I am just going to go and say it, straight up: I was inspired by the last lines of the last episode of season six, part two of Sex and the City. Carrie talks about all of the relationships we have. But, then she says the most important relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves.
I think the relationship we have with ourselves is one of the hardest we could ever hope to grow and mature, because we can’t hide from ourselves. Sure, we can try. We can hide behind our Paige jeans, that grad school degree, very decent wages, hot pizza, alcohol and/or drugs, (good, bad and Prince-style) sex, and hell, I guess we can even hide behind our successes and failures. But, really, all that is really background noise.
I feel that the more I have, the more I can try to hide behind. I am successful, I finally fit into real skinny jeans for the first time in a really long time, and I have a decent share of intellect. I feel that all that is stripped when emotions take over. Intellectually, I know NO material things are very useful armor when that insane insecurity possesses every fiber of strength I thought I had. And, I also know the distance between my head and heart is unbearably long. It is really fucking frustrating. Seriously. So much progress, so much building up of what I had lost right after my divorce. 5.5 years of reattaining the things I lost. I was strong. I had things. I got back on my feet with an apartment in a decent place, a nice bed again, weight loss when I was ready to eat well, new hobbies and passions and a bit of self-confidence, I thought. It only takes a new and real relationship to check the quality of my relationship with myself.
So there’s still work to be done. I hate, no….I loathe, knowing everything I attained to create security means nothing when I realize those are just THINGS.
What a reality check when you realize how stripped you can be when self-love is tested. Because really we have to love ourselves always. Not just when someone else does or when we love “things” or people we surround ourselves with.
Just a question: How long did it take you to lose the insecurity that caught you off guard?
and P.S.: Yes, I was listening to Stripped by Depeche Mode while I was writing this post. How did you know? One of my favorite albums, Black Celebration came out in 1986; I was in the UK that summer.I think that summer and the music I took back across the pond changed me forever. Tonight, I listen to it, transported back to 1986 in London. The summer I met Andrew McCarthy (and have a picture to show for it). When I find it, I’ll post it!
PPS: Tangentially speaking, Andrew McCarthy had just made one of my favorite movies of that time, St. Elmo’s Fire a year before, in 1985.