So, I guess for me, relationships come to an end. That’s what they do. I honestly thought that this one would last. I thought I could handle the heavy baggage. I really did. And to an extent, I could: the ex, the past, poor judgement. I think it was the present that was too much for me.
So, in the beginning I got to know the past and I absorbed it and moved on. Great. But what I wasn’t focusing on was the present. What started out as him having OCD (in his words) ended up being some very controlling behavior. Controlling every little detail. In the beginning it was simple stuff, switching leashes on the dogs. No big deal. I didn’t like it, but it wasn’t worth a battle or even a discussion. Or was I too intimidated to speak up? I don’t really know. At this point, I may say maybe. Then, it was the eating; that got to be a bigger deal. We brought food into the house in quantities that were enormous and we split the bill because after all, I was eating too. BUT: not quite as much, yet I paid for half. Again, I didn’t say anything. We ate a lot. I ate more than I have really eaten in a really really long time. Like ever? I don’t know about that…I ate lots in my 20’s and 30’s. You get the idea. I didn’t speak up, thus my acceptance of these behaviors were interpreted as approval. This is on me, I realize now.
A few months into our relationship, I was gaining weight. An obvious effect from bigger than life eating. Seemingly a lot of weight. But I justified it as our ‘honeymoon’ period of eating and drinking a lot I was in denial somewhat that this was a problem. Two months, three months in, I started to get bothered by it. He started on behavior that bothered me as well. Was it new behavior? I really don’t know. I am sure to an extent it was always there, but how is it that I recognized it 2-3 months and not right away? It really started to wear on me. The obnoxious boyfriend was more than just obnoxious.
This behavior that started out as his quirky, slightly obnoxious OCD behavior became more controlling. He commented on everything it seemed. What I wore. What I ate. How much I drank when we went out. So I would pay to Uber to happy hours to meet him so I wouldn’t have to drink and drive, but he insisted on driving us home.. And believe me, that wasn’t always safe. I will leave that right here. I chose to let his behavior dictate my judgement. What became the final fall of our relationship was the weekend before I left for London and Paris.
We went out with my friend and her husband. It was 4/20 in Denver. I hope you understand what that means! My boyfriend was very excited and we met our friends downtown. It was a crazy scene, but all was fine. We then went out to dinner. At that point, I kind of wanted a few drinks with dinner, but I was trying to eat healthy. But being that I was out for dinner and was going to start my life style change AFTER London and. Paris, I ordered truffle fries and a cocktail to start. He, in front of my friend and her husband, started to criticize my food choices. Yes, I will say truffle fries are not the hallmark of health food, but I was not trying to be healthy that night. I was having fun. He also commented that he hoped that would be my last drink. Well, folks, it was not. And to balance out the truffle fries, I ordered a salad. Yep, a salad and a cocktail. This caused a lot of frustration for my boyfriend who felt that this was publicly inappropriate food choices and let me know in front of my friends. He was mad that my friend’s husband was trying to help me get my second cocktail. You know, since I should not have had more than one. So that’s it for that night. I never had more than two cocktails, but he was pretty pissed.
The next night we had a huge argument that was born from that last evening and really festered when I chose to eat some deli meat and cheese with no bread. He said that was wrong and I needed to have bread to make a proper meal, even though i didn’t want all the carbs. I really woke up that night. I woke up to all the controlling. My food , my clothes, being told I was overweight and I needed bigger clothes. Were these simple facts the truth? Perhaps, partially. Was it necessary that he control my behavior and criticize my every move through justifying that it happened to be the truth? I think not.
I was done. I woke up from the dream of our ‘happy at first’ relationship and I was just plain done. I could only see things for what they were. I couldn’t put on the rose colored glasses. They didn’t fit anymore. It just didn’t work. I am not the type to be controlled. One thing led to another and I just couldn’t be myself. Turned out it had been a while since I was truly myself. I had to stand up for myself. He knew it was the end. He was on better behavior after that night following the evening out with my friends. It was never the same. It was just too late then.
I left for London and Paris the weekend after. I ended things while I was in Paris. He moved out the day after I came back.
I’m not going to say I am not sad. Because I am…or I was….but I am free.I have my space back, physically and mentally. He was very good to respect my wishes and move out with no drama. I definitely am grateful for that. I would even consider being friends with him. Maybe. But nothing more. I just can not take the feeling of being controlled and criticized. If this is what being friends is like, that probably won’t last long either.
I gave it four months. I needed me back. I needed me back badly. Even within a week of being back on my own, a close friend said to me “I am so glad you are back to your old self!”…..wow! Was it that obvious?