And she said “Please stop talking”.
When we go our separate ways in any relationship, it is possible to gain insight, left over belongings, and various shrapnel in the form of hurtful words and unsolicited brutal honesty. In this case, I was told we never actually had anything in common and we were not really friends anyway. Which is so interesting because I have long time friendships that are not always built on commonalities, but an actual bond stronger than hobbies and professional and personal ventures. But I digress.
So here I am, just told by this person that we were never really friends because of the way I conduct my life (mind you, I am not a felon or anything like this). I had asked him for the truth about what he thought (were we friends at one point, but not now? What gives?). I need closure, dude!
Did he tell me the truth, yes, and oh so much more! To use an AA term, he completely took my inventory (think Step Four). He pointed out every single shortcoming with brutal, uncompromising, and unfiltered honesty. It’s funny, because I thought we were not even friends. Where does this come from? Insecurities of his own. He’d flat out deny that. I would not air his dirty laundry here, but I can tell you, I restrained during this texting battle with him on offense and me on a weakened defense (I was half asleep). While he had some valid points, they lost credibility with me in part because he admitted he lied to me earlier in the conversation and also because he was not very accurate or relevant on the other points.
This was my last parting gift in a ‘not so real’ friendship. Next time I get into a relationship, I will be more cautious about divulging my hopes, fears, and vented complaints. My lesson in this gift, the gift itself so to speak, is that I need to get to know someone better before divulging all of these emotions. I don’t need to bleed emotion all over someone only to have them criticize me during the messy clean up.
First of all I owe you all an apology. I said I would be publishing these Paris posts about a week or two after my trip and its been a month and I have only gotten one out. So here we are, over a month later and I absolutely miss Paris!!!!
I thought I would be able to easily describe Paris because I loved the experience so much. I’ll try to put it into words that will express my awe and wonder about this amazing city.
I arrived Sunday morning in Paris. I was so excited that even reading the French traffic signs and directions on the highways was fascinating. When I got in the cab and called my landlady, she spoke with my cabbie to clarify directions. I then called our old family friend to arrange our lunch. Everything I had dreamed about and worked my ass off for was finally becoming a reality and I bathed in that ALL WEEK long. Believe me, I never spent a moment taking this for granted. This was going to be the most amazing trip I had ever had in my adult life.
I arrived at my flat on Rue de Grenelle and my landlady was waiting for me. She was so nice. She helped me set up my WiFi and gave me the lay of the land. Then she invited me for tea up the street. I knew my family friend would wait and understand. So I went to this cute little place, the Cafe du Marche with her and we had tea and wonderful bread. She invited me to join her for a drink around 7 p.m. at the Cafe. I said “yes” of course. I headed back to my flat and texted our family friend that I was ready and she picked me up and gave me an amazing driving tour of downtown Paris going from the Left Bank (where I was staying) to the Right Bank and back and forth. It was pretty awesome and the architecture is just fabulous. I was in awe; I just couldn’t stop staring at everything Paris. We then parked the car and walked to a fantastic little cafe. Of course, I thought everything was pretty damn fantastic. I looked over the menu and had to have my favorite type of soup, onion soup, French style and a chicken Caesar salad. To make my first Parisian meal more decadent, we had champagne. For dessert: crepe brûlée. We chatted about old days back in Washington, DC (where I grew up). She gave me very useful tips on getting around Paris. It was as amazing of a first experience in Paris as I could hope for!
She gave me walking instructions from the cafe to my flat, passing the Eiffel Tower. I found the Eiffel Tower to be more incredible than I would have imagined; this may be just because it represented Paris to me and here I was!! I was so happy that I was a bit overwhelmed that I was actually in Paris.
The next six days were a blur of metro, museums, and memories. This was my first big international trip and it was amazing. I didn’t make it to some of the sites I was hoping to hit, but my adventures fulfilled and took me beyond my expectations.
So sorry for the radio silence, but I made a decision not to bring my iPad to Paris and blog. Honestly speaking, I am so glad I made that decision, because I had quite the adventure. I am going to share my experience in three parts: pre-Paris, Paris, and my last night and travels back to the States.
You can expect to read these in the next week or two. This was one of my biggest adventures in my life (particularly going solo) and I can’t wait to share it with all of you!!
So why are there so many men looking for princesses and queens on POF… other dating sites, for that matter? You’d think they would know princesses and queens are for Disney or some far off country. Or are there really a lot of women here in the US of A that want to be treated like a princess? I really don’t know the answer to that. I can’t imagine wanting to be treated like a princess and it leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth. Like Tab from the 80’s.
You see, I want a partner, not a pedestal. I want someone to walk side by side with me, someone I can discuss things with across the table at dinner. I am not helpless. I don’t need a proverbial pedestal to know my worth. I want to be able to be respected and treated as an equal partner. I am not some princess that needs “things”, much less a pedestal for my ego. What is it with guys today? What do they think we want?
A princess, I guess….
I know I am kinda obsessed about talking about Paris. I mean it, so excited. I can’t wait. Is there any possibility that I am putting off discussing and talking about what my blog is really about, friendships, relationships,etc? That something about being friends with someone important to me and moving on to see if there is someone else that brings me exceptional happiness. My guess, based on my six years of post divorce internet dating, is no.
Through all my experiences with online dating, no one really out there truly available is honest, funny, attractive and intelligent. Sure, these words are pouring all over the profiles. So are the words “looking for relationship”, etc.
In the last week at least, I have found people who state they live in Denver, but they are actually posted overseas for whatever reason for whatever time period. They promise to keep writing back and forth for an indeterminate amount of time. Last time I saw this a year ago, two guys tried to scam me. Of course I got pulled in to emailing them, but once the scam started, I got right out. And of course never heard from them again. The other half of the alleged “relationship seekers” use that as bait and as soon as you sound interested, they start asking about sexual positions and bed size. While a man may feel these are legitimate interview questions, I will maintain that there are other things I’d like to know about a perfect stranger that don’t include their sheet count or how many inches they are blessed or punished with…Jesus, boys. Reign it in a little bit. If you are looking for an actual relationship, these things can come a little later. If you are really about the FWB, it all makes perfect sense. Just be honest…. and this is why I have so much trouble with all this..
I operate on honesty as the highest premise. Sometimes, I don’t like the answer or what is reflected in honesty, but I would take integrity any day of the week. Sometimes knowing something to be true has me thinking about it, obsessed about it and unable to effectively move on. Then I remember, I asked for honesty. And yes, I am blessed when I am gifted with it (even in the dark hours of pretending ignorance is bliss).
I mentioned at the end of Part I that I did not date for a year. I don’t think I could have if I tried. I was a mess. I knew I had to get things settled and resolved in my head before I could seem somewhat appropriate for dating. That was a hard fucking year. My newly estranged husband, soon to be my ex-husband broke a majority, or maybe all, of his promises to me (and my parents). Those broken promises are what put me in bankruptcy. I would have never needed bankruptcy protection because of my own choices (except the choice I made to fall in love and marry him). But that’s neither here not there for this tale. Once I started counseling, hiring a mediocre lawyer (from Florida), and generally getting my life back on track, I decided it was okay to start considering dating.
In 2011, I started up again. WIth dating. While no one seemed quite as dramatic as the ex, there was still some crazy decisions I made. I made some choices that led to humorous exchanges online within the dating sites. I made some questionable choices that led me to some new dramatic episodes. Some choices led to quite UN-dramatic dates. I didn’t feel a spark. It’s as if my spark only ignited with the deranged dramatic ones. Recently (in the last two years or so), there was the prison guard who turned into a supreme douchebag after the second date. Perhaps I should not have spent the night with him. Jus’ saying. And being honest in the process. He kept texting then stopping and then reappearing online messaging me. I would tell him to text me; he kept messaging me that he lost his phone and lost all his contacts (three times?). I told him it was done. I was sending him to the island of lost douchebags. Never to be heard from again (at least not from me). Then after that was the whole ordeal I blogged about last year around October: Relationship Quandary I realized after that ordeal that drama comes in many shapes and sizes. I have a part in all of it. If I don’t recognize this, I am damned and destined to repeat the failure of dating men who bring out the worst in me: insecurity, self -doubt, and neediness. I know these are all pretty much the same thing, but they have their individual qualities in their own shortcomings. I needed to be done with it all. I needed to know outside my friend circle that I could meet a guy and attract him to me. I needed that guy NOT to be someone who I felt these things around.
I have not talked about romantic relationships in a long time because I just didn’t know where my life would go. And plus, the guy from the post above made it patently obvious I fucked things up because I wrote about our relationship on my blog. He had a point. For sure. Except that I had told him each time I blogged and he was like “great, cool. I will have to read that sometime”; only, he never read any posts till the end. That’s when the shit hit the fan with him.
In this past year, I was eventually able to attract a guy that was very un-drama as they came. Smooth sailing. No rip tides. I swore something was absent from the relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. Of that, I was absolutely sure. We ended up just being true good friends, but there’s a moral here.
The moral, the take home message is this: When you are sick and tired of where you have been in relationships, you will have to do something different. I did a few things differently. I was NOT going to be destined for failure. While that relationship ended up in friendship and not the Happily Ever After, it was a MAJOR gift. One that told me a drama-free life with a guy is possible. The only thing missing from that experience was drama.
And you know what? I didn’t miss it at all. The future is promising!