When the skies aren’t so blue…

So, it’s been a while since my last post. Everything has been blue skies and no clouds for a while….this too shall past. Time for a storm to come in. Everything was going so smoothly. Then I started feeling conflict. I felt the first twinges about a week or two ago, during some political discussions. We had a little misunderstanding about politics and out values/opinions. During a period of time that I have been really evaluating my values and core beliefs, this was a critical issue. I think, if I remember right, this came about last week, still in the midst of the  decision regarding Kavanaugh’s fate. And THAT hearing was particularly sensitive for me. Then I found out the guy  was more or less aligned with my values. He makes no political Facebook posts, denouncing one party or another, which is something I respect also. But enough about politics. There was something else.

We live 1-2 hours apart (depending on when you’re traveling and in which direction).  And when we live in our respective towns, we have completely contrasting lifestyles. He took me on a small walk along the river. It was absolutely beautiful; there is no denying that. He took his fishing rod and we started out.  When he swung his rod ,the bait got stuck in my hair. I thought it was an overly aggressive massive bug and  I started messing with my hair; it was stuck. It was a bug, but not a real one….just the bait of a fly fisherman, the guy!  I could definitely laugh about it then, but it gave me pause. Could this life or anything like it be remotely interesting to me? Then we went near the river and I didnt want to go too close with my sneakers…and he suggested next time I get some river shoes. Excuse me? River shoes? Have we met? I am NOT a river shoes kinda gal. No Teva’s for me, or any thing like that!! Not I! I am more of a Tiffany & CO kinda woman.  Now I am all for hikes and dry mountainous adventures. Just no bugs or brush please!  It was then that I realized I do not fit in here. I totally respect that this life style is perfect for him. It’s just not for me.  I may be messing up the time line regarding the river shoes incident and the political/values misunderstanding, but everything started causing me self-doubt about this relationship. I mean, where can this really go?

So, I started to shut down, really not wanting anything with this. I started to come up with the realization that this relationship is completely NOT viable. How can I waste time traveling to and fro a place where I don’t fit in and I am not sure I even want to? I am 49 years old. I can’t just spend time in a relationship that has no future; he has a 3-5 year plan in his town, career wise; and plus, he loves it there. I totally and utterly respect that. I just have no desire to live there, if it should ever come to that. And he really has no plans to leave and come my way. We are at a stalemate-there is no future.

Then I basically ended it on this premise of no future and said we should just be friends and  still go back East in November together and a trip we booked for December as friends. This was a very hard conversation, one of the hardest I have had since my divorce.  I thought I would be relieved and have a load off my mind. Then this budding relationship with no future would be behind me; on to the next, per usual routine.

Damn, was I wrong. So wrong. This was the most painful thing ever and all I could do was cry every day and I was sad. Like really crushed. And I was doing the crushing, flipping the script on this guy when I had previously been so into the relationship. How in the world could this be happening? I talked to friends and a therapist. After crying and  feeling horrible and a LOT of self-reflection, I realized a few key things.

I am scared. I have never had a relationship go so right from the get go. Go right and hold off on physical intimacy and be successful.  While I am not sabotaging this because I feel I don’t deserve this and ending it because I am not worthy ( I know I am), this relationship flow is completely out of my comfort zone. Out of bounds. Not in the ball park of any relationship in the last 25 years. Even and especially my former marriage. So  maybe I didn’t realize I was so much in fear of something like this happening. I like being in control of a situation and I definitely am not experienced with a non-physical successful relationship. So I shut down. Ruling out any and all the possibilities based on distance and life style,  convincing myself I was just being true to myself. Which maybe I am/was, but how can things be right with this if I am crying and hysterically sad daily.  I loved when we talked the first thing in the morning and last thing at night. When I could tell him everything and he actually is interested and engaged in my day.

So we talked. A lot. We will see if this can be worked through. I have hope. I like him an awful lot; and I kinda think he likes me also.

 

I’m listening to : Stars all seem to weep by Beth Orton

Skies are blue, not a cloud in sight…

So I have always wondered if this is a thing in relationships. Not forever, obviously, but at least for mere moments at a time. I have asked myself if things can just be normal and smooth sailing, no sudden wind changes, no sudden black clouds out of no where for some solid period of space and time. I honestly saw it in other people’s lives with their significant others. I just didn’t think it would be possible for me.

But yet, it is! It’s all possible. I shared  a few weeks ago in  this  post:There’s a nice guy out there, right? that there may be a real guy out there who is respectful, honest, funny, nice and not afraid to commit. And still not the pressuring type.  Not only did he commit to hanging out with  just me, but to a vacation in December. Yeah, I know! Three whole months away!! I am so excited. Now, between now and then there may be a gray sky now and then, but with a month of no gray skies, I am hopeful the trend will continue, for at least a while.  By this, I don’t mean that every day is perfect in itself. But shared with him, I don’t have the anxiety the comes from distrust or bad instincts. I don’t have the frustration from expectations placed too high. Things have been good with equal give and take on both sides.  And what I shared in my first post about this guy still stands. All of it!

And if it’s possible for me, it’s possible for you too!!

 

There’s a nice guy out there, right?

Is there someone who doesn’t expect sex on the first date or even the third? How about the guy who doesn’t even ask when he’s going to get it?

Someone that doesn’t care at all if you wear glasses in the morning?

Or the guy who  possesses a sense of boundaries, for your weak or even his own?

And he’s super nice and considerate. Because he lets you be you?

What if I told you I met someone like this?

And he’s not my type. Because my type lately has been sleazy douchebag.

I have a new type…because good guys should finish first.

Stay tuned! This is a work in progress.

 

Back in the fitness game!

I’ve been working on my health plan for weight loss and realized nutrition is a huge part of it, more than I’d like to admit. But eating healthy feels better; Not going to lie: It’s not as much fun sometimes. Saying no to brownies and mostly salty food, like nachos and wings.  Smaller numbers on the  scale makes it all worth it. I am getting ready to leave the plan that I have been on and go in a different direction. We will see what happens. I failed at the transition plan miserably the first time and gained ten pounds, thinking one brownie or one order of wings wouldn’t matter. They do matter. A lot. I need to be on my game.  I felt that to be more on top of things, I would add fitness to the recipe for success.

So after last year of trying a personal trainer, I thought I would try a different approach. A different gym. And wow, is it different! I’d be more likely to call this a health club, not just a gym.  The philosophy is different and the fitness coaches/trainers appear to be more educated, or at least mine is. My old trainer was good, don’t get me wrong. This trainer just has a lot more information and education for me. There is so much to know about working out to maximize my metabolism. I went through some metabolic assessments and learned a lot about how my body specifically responds to oxygen demands and how it burns fats v. carbs compared with  typical and optimal burn patterns. No doubt, I have put some money into this. It makes me accountable and sometimes I need that, if i am being totally honest. I just can’t always do it without a little kick in the ass.  A firm kick in the ass was definitely in order when my trainer asked me how often I plan to work out. Accountability, hello!  “Three times a week is something I can commit to” rolled somewhat easily off my tongue. Wow, okay Alyssa.  I guess I am working out three times  a week. At least I can pick my own days. So we created a program for me which I think will really set me up for success. This is one step further than I took at the other gym; today,  I am making a commitment for Tuesday, Friday and Saturday each week. I never committed to specific days last year,  just a vague promise of “I”ll be here”. Tuesday will be my recovery day and I will take yoga. It will definitely get my breathing and heart rate in gear, but it won’t  be as intense as the metabolic conditioning/strength training that I will be doing the other days.  I have a feeling, however, that yoga will be hard work for me. At least in the beginning. It’s been years since I worked on my yoga practice at an actual yoga studio. I have signed up for my first class for this Tuesday evening. It’s great, because they have yoga classes in the morning and evening, so whatever my shift I can get in yoga as their morning class starts at 5:30AM!!

I’m excited to really show my commitment to my trainer and most of all, myself.  But I am actually slightly scared. I am in fear of failing. In fear of succeeding. No, not that…definitely a fear of failing. I’ve failed in sticking with a fitness regimen post -training (and all the money that went with that). I want to succeed, both in fitness health (efficiency in oxygen demands and cardiovascular health) as well as in weight loss. Which I guess is another branch of fitness health. Whatever it may be, I want it all.

I’m hoping I can pull off all of it, the healthy eating transition and the fitness plan.  I have been definitely giving this all some attention in past posts. Next to blogging, it’s what I want to improve upon the most in my life. That’s basically it, writing and my health are my primary priorities. Sure, I write about relationships, and while that is a goal, maybe I should just focus on the things I am in more control of. Like writing and self-care /self-improvement. I think that will in turn make me relationship ready.

IF you have any tips for the balancing act of healthy eating and healthy fitness, drop me a comment or contact me on my contact page!! Thank you in advance.

Music I’m listening to: a playlist called Sexy. It’s got some really good songs and its great for working out!

Blame it on the rain (a.k.a. A short texting relationship)

I met this guy on a dating website, POF, if you must know.  It’s been a while. Over the course of a year or three, we had exchanged messages and occasionally a cell text or two; it never amounted to much, mostly because he admitted he was not really interested in a Long Term Relationship. Fine. I respect his honesty at that time and nothing went forward although he tried to make plans. I’d then remind him he’s not looking for the same things I am.

Advance to last week. He now texts me (because we have advanced to cell phone texting exclusively) that he is definitely looking for a LTR. Great. We’re in business. He asks to make a date. Perfect. Then the true colors come out. Once again. “Do you have any sexy pics you can send me?”…Umm, NO?!  “I have to warn you a lot of women can’t handle my sex drive.” And why are you telling me this after you say you’re seeking something more meaningful and haven’t even met me? That’s in my head of course. I don’t say anything. Mostly because there is no point. I already know where this is going. I am going to try to NOT assume my suspicions are right. Not right away.

Wait for it. Wait.for.it. It’s coming:  Then it comes “I’ll bring an over night bag…you know, in case it goes well,” he texts. He texts in a kind of kidding way. Kind of. So I play along and say “Ha, no overnight bags at my  place!” in an equally kidding text. Kind of. I was clear though, that an overnight would not be happening after this first meeting. He acts like this is no biggie….Until the rain comes. “The rain is crazy here. I don’t think I will be able to make it”.  Really? Blame it on the rain?

I tell him this is no surprise; I knew he wasn’t ready for something real. Real relationships typically (not always, but typically) start with a meaningful foundation and good conversation.  Of special note, he has been peppering the conversation to references of us being adults and we can do what we want. What “we” want? And what’s your point? Do adults just going around sleeping with strangers? Why, of course they do, I am sure…somewhere.

I’ve been there. Yep, I have. But the word ‘been’ refers to past tense. Now, it seems there is more that I am looking for and sleeping with someone doesn’t seem to be helping me get there. So I don’t. It’s that simple. No judgement.  Just me trying something different to get to the LTR.  In a Sex and The City episode, Carrie Bradshaw questions “Delayed gratification is a sign of maturity, no?”….and I think she’s on to something.  You know for the rest of us adults out there…

So, I called him out on his half-assed desire for a LTR and how I am not planning on developing a relationship with sex as the foundation. I texted him that I wanted a far more substantial basis for our relationship. He said I was freaking him out and begged me  to  “just stop!”

I am done. Another guy who wants sex up front claiming they want a LTR. Really, he does. But sex first, because after all, “we” are consenting adults. Assuming I am consenting to a hook up and all.   He’s definitely not the first, but his agenda has been by far the most blatant.

So, I went to bed.

The next morning, he sends a brief friendly text. I sent back a polite one word answer “Thanks”.

And that’s the end to this chapter of dating on POF.

 

Listening to Amy Winehouse’s Back To Black.

To Settle or Not To Settle?

Is settling as bad as it sounds? Does it mean we are compromising our ideals and expectations? To me, that’s how it sounds. It sounds nothing like ‘settling down’. Which seems to mean more of a ‘putting down roots’ type of thing. Maybe?  I feel like no one wants to settle, but I think people are doing it  all the time in the name of instant gratification;  it cures loneliness and an insatiable need for companionship. Does that mean that independent people who don’t have that need will never settle because they really don’t need that  constant companionship?

I just don’t know right now. I am fairly independent, complete with a newly purchased townhouse (on my own, no roommates, unless you count my puggle Max), vacations done solo,  and dinners and movies with no requisite date. These things really don’t bother me. Most of the time. There are times (mostly the weekends) where I long for some companionship.  And in those periods of time, I find myself bored and looking in places that have never provided much promise, like dating online. So there I am, settling. Is setting that bad? All of the time? Or is it just looked down upon if you are settling for long term solutions?  So this brings a new question…Short term v. long term settling? Is either “worse”? Do you find yourself doing this? What is that?

Am I guilty of short term settling? It’s highly likely. Which sets me up for losing opportunities for a more worthy partner in the long term…. if I am not looking at the big picture and parlaying my patience in the short term for more rewarding relationships in the long term. Is it because as I get older, I assume the dating pool is more like a wee little pond and there are not, in fact, plenty of fish? Thus, being in a hurry and bored is an unfortunate cocktail for not so satisfying relationships.  I get the idea patience will get me through boredom. Then I won’t have to settle in the long term, much less the short term. Boredom is a bitch!  More time to blog, less time for boredom!!

 

Drop a comment and let me know: Is settling the worst thing ever? Is there a difference between short term and long term settling?

 

Listening to Depeche Mode’s Some Great Reward…specifically Somebody… Depeche Mode can be a little depressing sometimes, but sometimes the perfect sentiment.