Being alone is not a “Plus One” event

I think many of us have felt the difference between being alone and the stench of loneliness. I think most of us would much rather feel the peace of the downtime we get being alone. I can definitely do alone. I know not everyone can. I am fine with it much of the time. I can’t imagine the idea of living with anyone right now. I would have to be engaged or married, just like I was last time when I moved in with some one, my ex-husband.  When I am alone, I am at peace; I can do what I want, no one else is invited to my alone time. It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is.  Well, I guess sometimes it does. Usually, though, I can go to the movies alone, go for lunch alone and have absolutely no issue.  But sometimes, just sometimes, loneliness rears its ugly, pitiful head. It’s then where being single is a state of affairs full of remorse.

Loneliness sucks. It just does.  I can feel it on my own usually when something just inspires me to feel less than in my current single status. I feel it  all around at random times that are so hard to predict. Like now, I am in a coffee shop, watching all these couples walk in and think “I wish I was part of that”. I wish I had someone to hang out with at night and first thing in the morning.  I feel less than, knowing that if i had what it took to be part of a couple, I  would be. So what’s missing. I used to be part of a couple lots of times, mostly through my early twenties and part of my 30s and then when I was married at the end of my 30’s. That’s when I snap out of it typically. I think of how I want to spend my time, with someone I can’t predict, or alone, in the peace of my own hobbies,  reading and downtime. Is it that I am so set in my ways, that I can’t make room for someone at my age? Is it that I am sooo hardened, I can not let go and just be vulnerable for the right person. Have I passed by the right person and just been too rigid and uninviting. I am a pretty nice person, but I know that lately its been really hard to just let go. I am rigid with my boundaries and maybe I am keeping out the right person. I am creating my own loneliness, perhaps? The irony of this makes me laugh out loud.

I will try to be less guarded, but aren’t we supposed to be a little guarded? Where’s the balance?  Drop me a comment…tell me about your experience.

 

Music I am listening to: Depeche Mode’s Black Celebration

“They take this seriously”?

So I am sitting here incredulous. At the point of investing cash into this matchmaking/dating organization, the company insisted that the men take their search for a meaningful relationship seriously. It seemed logical, as they were putting down some serious cash, as was I. The first week I checked my options and selected a few members; of all the selected members, I got one rejection. Which is totally fine. I am not for everyone. That’s cool. However, I got not so much as a nod or a rejection from the other 8 or so. They were “active” on the site. What’s happening? So I talked to the member advisors at the site who informed me that possibly they were pursuing other relationships, but were not serious with them ,and thus still active. Hmm? So, over the next week or two, I selected another 8-9 in my wee little dating pool (45-55yo). Yes, it is old and I feel old just checking that box.  Again one or two rejections and absolutely nothing from the majority of them. I inquire again and they say, “It’s only a month in. Give it time! It only takes one!! Remember that!”. What??? It only takes one?? No,  I want to say. It does not take just one. It takes many frogs to find a prince. Many, many frogs. Usually toads. At best, frogs.

So then, one afternoon, one of the member advisors calls me asking if I would like to go to a speed dating event up in Denver, free of charge. I said “Why not?”. So I went the next evening; four or five women showed up. Four men showed up. One man and one woman matched upon before the event even began and took off. That left well, almost no one. I was sitting with this guy who seemed nice enough and was miraculously from  my new town (45 minutes south). We talked before the even started and then during out 4-6 minutes. The other two men were totally not for me. The first one actually had some potential and we ended up grabbing drinks and dinner after. We headed into Cherry Creek in my little convertible (top down, nice night) and talked non stop for several hours. It’s hard to tell, but I will be honest: I may have done more of the talking! But we traded numbers. He then proceeded to cancel on me twice. that week; He lost momentum, almost. And I almost lost interest. He then texted when I didn’t expect he was still interested to get together. I agreed because he did seem nice. I couldn’t tell whether he was keeping the date because he felt bad or because he actually wanted to meet up.

So we finally met up and he picked me up. We headed downtown. We backed up into a bat -mobile (a black type of something that possibly resembled a  heavy-duty ATV).  A little damage, not too bad. We headed to the 16th Street Mall and hit the Rialto Cafe. Decent conversation. Decent food. We walked around after, but mostly just to find the car. I needed the exercise. We headed back to my place. We had been talking about our places in Parker, so I gave him a tour. He gave me a kiss, then said “Isn’t that what you wanted?”…. WHAT?  I replied “Don’t do me any favors”. He retorted: “I’m not” and continued. It continued for a while and then he took off; nothing much happened and barely a mention of hanging out again. Which is fine.

The next two days we texted a little, but I initiated each time. Then the day he was taking off the weekend (Thursday), I decided to NOT initiate. At all. Nothing. And received NOTHING. And that was that.

The end. Till the next time! You know, because they take this seriously.

Music I’m thinking of here: Amy Winehouse’s Back To Black.

 

Over the hump…

Here I am again, over the hump! I am so excited to be back here in blogging world because I am here to stay. I had a tough professional exam to get through and getting settled post-move. But here I am, ready to write and share!

So when I bought my new townhouse, I suspected it would take me a few months to get settled. I was right. I have been in my home for about a month and a half and still need to hang my artwork and fix my closets and a bathroom toilet. I couldn’t be happier here though. It’s really peaceful : I  have green beautiful grass , a recreation center and park,  and various paths  to walk Max  It was a huge decision to buy and I am so relieved I made the right choice, for me & Max.

Now that the exam and the bulk of the move are out of the way, I can direct my focus and attention right here, where I belong. I have had so many inspirations and situations that I have wanted to write about and just couldn’t get this laptop open. My attention kept me with my studies and I really hope I passed that exam!!

A few inspirations that will find their way to my blog:

  1. My weight loss: I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am working on more! It hasn’t been easy and I have a few blog posts in mind to share the journey.
  2. Relationships and the matchmaking thing: what a disaster! I believe I just threw away a chunk of money on a dating /match making organization. I got one date out of a speed dating event, but I doubt that’s going anywhere. Posts are coming your way about this also!
  3. Loneliness vs being alone-there is a difference, yes? I say yes also. I say yes to the palpable loneliness that has us wishing we had plans on a Saturday night. I also say yes to the joy of being alone sometimes. The loneliness is there, whether I am by myself on Saturday night at 6:30pm in bed or in a setting with friends or other couple(s) being sans Significant Other.  More to come.

 

See you really soon. I mean it!

Forever. And a day.

WOW! I had no clue I abandoned my post, literally, for about three months. I am so sorry!

The good news is that I have been so busy with life and fitness with my optimal health plan, that my  short term fitness,  life goals and outcomes have been favorable!

1. EXERCISE: What a great thing to do! I am improving in this department. My healthy living (with a side of weight loss) program discouraged too much exercise when I was going through such a radical calorie reduction. I soon understood why. Now, in transition, I am getting back to the exercising/walking, both outside and on the treadmill. I am excited to get physically fit in shape in time for warm weather fun in the mountains!

2. LOST OVER 25 POUNDS: This was an amazing feat! I gained so much weight in the last 2 years since losing weight in 2016. WHY?! How did  I let that happen? I can tell you exactly what happened. Maybe this has happened to you. I did not transition into a way of healthy living. I did not set myself up for healthy maintenance eating and healthful and wise choices.  I  have now lost weight and looking to lose about 10 more.  Most importantly, I am learning how to live with daily healthy living with a slight bent toward losing a bit more weight. Once I get to my desired weight, I will admit that the healthy living will be a challenge. I want the healthy living and most of the time, its not that hard. But sometimes….. yes, sometimes I am craving nachos and nerds or gummy bears. I am not going to lie. I want to stay in this weight loss mode until I am secure in my healthy choices and know I am not going to yo-yo back to this weight from December.

3. NO MORE DATING ONLINE (doing something else that I will delve into a little later for all your curious people)….yay! I have joined more of a matchmaking thing. I guess we still have to put ourselves out there. This time, it seems different. It involves more work, but the outcome hopefully includes some more quality. With those free online sites, you get what you don’t pay for! You know what I am talking about: Plenty of Fish, Bumble, Tinder…the list goes on.  It’s also dramatically different because instead of getting into the time suck of these dating sites (yes, plural), I can live life and blog more, work more, and exercise more. I can check in on line with this different singles group after selecting certain people.  We’ll see how this goes. I don’t officially start being eligible online till after I finish my profile. Who knows that this singles group will bring!

4. BOUGHT A TOWNOUSE!! Okay, how did this just happen in three months? I wasn’t even looking for a place. The truth is I wasn’t looking at all. I went to an open house one weekend with a friend. I fell in love with the townhouse I saw. I called over my future realtor and talked to a lending officer right then and there. She was at the open house.  The unexpected and rare thing happened: a domino effect of contractual agreements just fell into place.  From the date the offer was accepted and the contract signed, I closed on my townhouse 30 days later. I had no clue  my life would change this much this soon or how much my life would change. I think part of this is because I am moving to the suburbs from the city. It’s going to be a big change; but I think I am ready.

Yes, I have done this all since my last post in December! Things have been crazy and overwhelming, but reassuring that I have been making progress in positive life changes.

I think with these new changes (and being house rich cash poor I am sure), I will be blogging a lot more and sharing my dating experiences once again. And this time, in the middle of suburbia. Dating in suburbia. I see that being one of my future posts.

Stay tuned!

Parting gift….

When we go our separate ways in any relationship, it is possible to gain insight, left over belongings, and various shrapnel in the form of hurtful words and unsolicited brutal honesty.  In this case, I was told we never actually had anything in common and we were not really friends anyway.  Which is so interesting because I have long time friendships that are not always built on commonalities, but an actual bond stronger than hobbies and professional and personal ventures.  But I digress.

So here I am, just told  by this person  that we were never really friends because of the way I conduct my life (mind you, I am not a felon or anything like this).  I had asked him for the truth about what he thought (were we friends at one point, but not now? What gives?). I need closure, dude!

Did he tell me the truth, yes,  and oh so much more! To use an AA term, he completely took my inventory (think Step Four).  He pointed out every single shortcoming with brutal, uncompromising, and unfiltered honesty. It’s funny, because I thought we were not even friends. Where does this come from? Insecurities of his own. He’d flat out deny that. I would not air his dirty laundry here, but I can tell you, I restrained during this texting battle with him on  offense and me on a weakened defense (I was half asleep).  While he had some valid points, they lost credibility with me in part because he admitted he lied to me earlier in the conversation and also because he was not very accurate or relevant on the other points.

This was my last parting gift in a ‘not so real’ friendship. Next time I get into a relationship, I will be more cautious  about divulging my hopes, fears, and vented complaints.  My lesson in this gift, the gift itself so to speak, is that I need to get to know someone better before divulging all of these emotions.  I don’t need to bleed emotion all over someone only to have them criticize me during the messy clean up.

Paris, Part Two: Arriving In Paris

First of all I owe you all an apology. I said I would be publishing these Paris posts about a week or two after my trip and its been a month and I have only gotten one out. So here we are, over a month later and I absolutely miss Paris!!!!

I thought I would be able to easily describe Paris because I loved the experience so much. I’ll try to put it into words that will express my awe and wonder about this amazing city.

I arrived Sunday morning in Paris. I was so excited that even reading the French traffic signs and directions on the highways was fascinating.  When I got in the cab and called my landlady, she spoke with my cabbie to clarify directions. I then called our old family friend  to arrange our lunch.  Everything I had dreamed about and worked my ass off for was finally becoming a reality and I bathed in that ALL WEEK long. Believe me, I never spent a moment taking this for granted.  This was going to be the most amazing trip I had ever had in my adult life.

I arrived at my flat on Rue de Grenelle and my landlady was waiting for me. She was so nice. She helped me set up my WiFi and gave me the lay of the land. Then she invited me for tea up the street. I knew my family friend would wait and understand. So I went to this cute little place, the Cafe du Marche with her and we had tea and wonderful bread.  She invited me to join her for a drink around 7 p.m. at the Cafe.  I said “yes” of course.  I headed back to my flat and texted our family friend that I was ready and she picked me up and gave me an amazing driving tour of downtown Paris going from the Left Bank (where I was staying) to the Right Bank and back and forth. It was pretty awesome and the architecture is just fabulous. I was in awe; I just couldn’t stop staring at everything Paris.  We then parked the car and walked to a fantastic little  cafe. Of course, I thought everything was pretty damn fantastic.  I looked over the menu and had to have my favorite  type of soup, onion soup, French style and a chicken Caesar salad. To make my first Parisian meal more decadent, we had champagne. For dessert: crepe brûlée.   We chatted about old days back in Washington, DC (where I grew up). She gave me very useful tips on getting around Paris. It was as amazing of a first experience in Paris as I could hope for!

She gave me walking instructions from the cafe to my flat, passing the Eiffel Tower. I found  the Eiffel Tower to be more incredible than I would have imagined; this may be just because it represented Paris to me and here I was!! I was so happy that I was a bit overwhelmed that I was actually in Paris.

The next six days were a blur of metro, museums, and memories. This was my first big international trip and it was amazing. I didn’t make it to some of the sites I was hoping to hit, but my adventures fulfilled and took me beyond my expectations.

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