Where did my work -out go?

In all my preparation for Paris and figuring out my dating situation, I misplaced my ambition to work out. Where in the hell did I put it? I swear it was somewhere up in the closet with my myriad of work-out gear and clothes. Damn. I have looked for it half -assed, I have to admit lately. I have taken a real liking to focusing on Paris and where I will go, what will I see, how long will I stay out each day….that I totally forgot to maintain my exercise schedule, so all that walking in Paris will be easy peasy.

I need to reassign my ambition, but with the blisters on my heels from yesterday’s selection of brand new shoes, this is going to be a little challenging. It’s my own fault for not putting on bandaids before I put the shoes on. Back to ambition. See, I lost it again. So close, yet so far away.  I even have a work-out playlist and really cute things to wear. I even went on a short hike Saturday. So why is it so short-lived when I lost 30 pounds with awesome dedication in 2016? It is so odd! I’m still trying to figure it out.

I am supposed to on the treadmill now per my agreement with my hiking buddy. But I am not. The blisters. I need to heal the blisters and get on with it!

Let’s work out!!

 

 

A break from Paris…

 

I know I am kinda obsessed about talking about Paris. I mean it, so excited. I can’t wait. Is there any possibility that I am putting off discussing and talking about what my blog is really about, friendships, relationships,etc? That something about being friends with someone important to me and moving on to see if there is someone else that brings me exceptional happiness. My guess, based on my six years of post divorce internet dating, is no.

Through all my experiences with online dating, no one really out there truly available is honest, funny, attractive and intelligent. Sure, these words are pouring all over the profiles. So are the words “looking for relationship”, etc.

In the last week at least, I have found people who state they live in Denver, but they are actually posted overseas for whatever reason for whatever time period. They promise to keep writing back and forth for an indeterminate amount of time. Last time I saw this a year ago, two guys tried to scam me. Of course I got pulled in to emailing them, but once the scam started, I got right out. And of course never heard from them again. The other half of the alleged “relationship seekers” use that as bait and as soon as you sound interested, they start asking about sexual positions and bed size. While a man may feel these are legitimate interview questions, I will maintain that there are other things I’d like to know about a perfect stranger that don’t include their sheet count or how many inches they are blessed or punished with…Jesus, boys. Reign it in a little bit. If you are looking for an actual relationship, these things can come a little later. If you are really about the FWB, it all makes perfect sense. Just be honest…. and this is why I have so much trouble with all this..

I operate on honesty as the highest premise. Sometimes, I don’t like the answer or what is reflected in honesty, but I would take integrity any day of the week. Sometimes knowing something to be true has me thinking about it, obsessed about it and unable to effectively move on. Then I remember, I asked for honesty. And yes, I am blessed when I am gifted with it (even in the dark hours of pretending ignorance is bliss).

Getting myself lost in Parisian thoughts

I got my Paris Pass yesterday! The more I look at all the travel in central Paris that will be required to visit everywhere I want to go, I realize one thing: I could get seriously lost!! It all looks so easy with color coded Metro stops and maps, so how could I get lost, right??? I’ll find a way to lose sight of the touristy spot I was headed toward. I am sure of it! And it will be an adventure. I am not new to doing things solo. I AM  new to doing things in areas I am not 100% confident of where I am going. So breaking out of the comfort zone will be a huge undertaking, but I am so excited. A little nervous, but mostly excited. This is one of the most adventurous things I have planned so far. My last adventure was driving cross-country solo. Twice. Six months apart. And that’s a different story for a different time.

You may think that my blog is about relationships, so why would I start writing about travel. You could be on to something. However, the relationship I have with myself is probably the most important for me right now. If I am ultimately confident with myself  (being okay with possibly getting lost in  Paris) and  feel worthy of spending the money to go all by myself, a boosted self-esteem by the end of my holiday can’t be too far behind, right?

In the meantime, stay posted for my blog posts here in Denver.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vacationitis and a month to go…

So, I am going on my vacation next month. You got it-September! I have vacationitis now, damn it! I must keep my focus on my work outs (which have significantly diminished unfortunately) and my work project for October’s conference. So hard, so hard. All I can think about is my trip. I am taking it solo, so I am a bit nervous, but overwhelmingly ecstatic!!!

You see, I am going to Paris. Yep, my first time. I have so much to see and do in 7 days, I hope I can soak it all in.  I have gotten my Lonely Planet book, my day excursion and Eiffel Tower tickets, as well as my Paris Pass.  I am faithfully reading my book as I am very much the planner. I wish I could just wing it and land in Paris and figure it all out. That’s just not me though. I have had my flights and flat (7th district) set up for almost a year. I felt like I was procrastinating when I just made the local attractions plans. I’m the person who will study the Paris Metro system and where I am going on the Hop on hop off Big Bus tour. I know that is exceptionally touristy. Guess what?  I am a tourist! I know better than to dress and act like one. I am studying my basic French phrases, but I think I need to master the accent and my pronunciation is horrible. Effort counts right?

I am slowly organizing my itinerary. Like I said, I am a planner. Anyone who has been to Paris  and  has any “Must Do” suggestions, please leave me a comment. Some of my must do’s are below and I realize there is SOOOO much to see; there is no way I can do it in 7 days and nights:

  • Eiffel Tower (duh)
  • Musee d’Orsay
  • Musee Louvre (but, of course)
  • Notre Dame
  • Champs Elysees (missing the accents, I am aware)
  • the tuileries
  • Arc de Triomphe
  • Pere Lachaise Cemetary (think Jim Morrison, Oscar Wilde, Edith Piaf and more)
  • and sooo much more.

For the actual trip, I have used Pinterest to get ideas regarding the actual travel, packing & what NOT to do. Please drop me a line if you have any thing at all to suggest!

 

Music pairing: Tabou by Les Nubians

 

There’s something missing: Part II

I mentioned at the end of Part I that I did not date for a year. I don’t think I could have if I tried. I was a mess. I knew I had to get things settled and resolved in my head before I could seem somewhat appropriate for dating.  That was a hard fucking year. My newly estranged husband, soon to be my ex-husband broke a majority, or maybe all, of his promises to me (and my parents).  Those broken promises are what put me in bankruptcy. I would have never needed bankruptcy protection because of my own choices (except the choice I made to fall in love and marry him).  But that’s neither here not there for this tale.  Once I started counseling, hiring a mediocre lawyer (from Florida), and generally getting my life back on track, I decided it was okay to start considering dating.

In 2011, I started up again. WIth dating. While no one seemed quite as dramatic as the ex, there was still some crazy decisions I made. I made some choices that led to humorous exchanges online within the dating sites. I made some questionable choices that led me to some new dramatic episodes. Some choices led to quite UN-dramatic dates. I didn’t feel a spark. It’s as if my spark only ignited with the deranged dramatic ones. Recently (in the last two years or so),  there was the prison guard who turned into a supreme douchebag after the second date. Perhaps I should not have spent the night with him. Jus’ saying. And being honest in the process. He kept texting then stopping and then reappearing online messaging me. I would tell him to text me; he kept messaging me that he lost his phone and lost all his contacts (three times?). I told him it was done.  I was sending him to the island of lost douchebags. Never to be heard from again (at least not from me).  Then after that was the whole ordeal I blogged about last year around October:  Relationship Quandary I realized after that ordeal  that drama comes in many shapes and sizes. I  have a part in  all of it. If I don’t recognize this, I am damned and destined to repeat the failure of dating men who bring out the worst in me: insecurity, self -doubt,  and neediness. I know these are all pretty much the same thing, but they have their individual qualities in their own shortcomings. I needed to be done with it all. I needed to know outside my friend circle that I could meet a guy and attract him to me. I needed that guy NOT to be someone who I felt these things around.

I have not talked about romantic relationships in a long time because I just didn’t know where my life would go. And plus, the  guy from the post above made it patently obvious I fucked things up because I wrote about our relationship on my blog. He had a point. For sure. Except that I had told him each time I blogged and he was like “great, cool. I will have to read that sometime”; only, he never read any posts till the end. That’s when the shit hit the fan with him.

In this past year, I was eventually able to attract a guy that was very un-drama as they came. Smooth sailing. No rip tides.  I swore something was absent from the relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. Of that, I was absolutely sure. We ended up just being true good friends, but there’s a moral here.

The moral, the take home message is this: When you are sick and tired of where you have been in relationships, you will have to do something different. I did a few things differently. I was NOT going to be destined for failure. While that relationship ended up in friendship and not the Happily Ever After, it was a MAJOR gift. One that told me a drama-free life with a guy is possible.  The only thing missing from that experience was drama.

And you know what? I didn’t miss it at all.  The future is promising!

There’s something missing…: Part I

So, I have had enough drama to last a very long time. I feel that every single minute of dating and married life carries with it some kind of drama. I get so involved in the intrigue of it all. Then, things seems to go so quickly, so damn hot and heavy, I can hardly keep up. Then what  happens? What do you think happens? Routine and expectations. What the hell…they just come out of nowhere.. For me,  it usually involves expectations that I set unreasonably. The bar is so high, an Olympic pole vaulter would have no change for Gold. Yet, I put it there, up high in the sky. Am I sabotaging myself? Am I ruining any possibility for a viable relationship? Probably. As soon as expectations are in place, things go bad. Very bad. Is it because I start perseverating on details that are not critical, because I want  things my way, I  wanted things to go well. I didn’t know why they  never did.

Things end. They always do.  I remember when I was dating my ex-husband. I didn’t mind it so much. I was at a period in my life where I was not drinking alcohol. I thought I had a problem with it (I didn’t), so I was in AA. I met him there (which I may have mentioned before). LIfe was NEVER boring.  I always was in a situation of some sort. This time,  it was the angry boyfriend from AA. Back then, during our dating period, I could just leave his home when he was being temperamental (and that’s being generous!).  Then I married the angry boyfriend in 2009. Never a dull moment. Mostly something was more or less always crashing around me: his patience, my patience, the refrigerator contents, the patio door, you name it.  It probably crashed.  Then he got sober. There was never a predictable moment. I must have had more expectations for this marriage that could not have been met. Then eventually, the only expectation I  always had was that I would always be safe and it would never get “that bad”.

Well, it got that bad. I was forced to lower my expectations and stay with someone who was bound to drink again or leave. I did not actually want to leave. I wanted to work out the problems, oddly enough. He didn’t.  And he didn’t want to be with me apparently. Fair enough. He was starting to scare me. There are a ton of details that will come in future posts, but right now, suffice it to say: The Drama Ended. At least for a minute. Don’t worry, it picked up right after I left and moved back to Denver.  Our relationship pretty much ended right there. The divorce came 6 months later.

I had enough of the relationship drama to last me a while (the other drama was financial messiness that had nothing to do with me). I did not date for a year. I needed time for me.  That was probably one of the smartest things I have done in a long time. For me. Besides quitting smoking of course, which happened two years later.

Stay tuned: the drama and expectations continue with dating stories that I have told here.  They will make more sense now that my propensity for drama was at an all time high. I thought it was low, so low, from what I had been through with my ex. My zero tolerance policy for drama did not come till later.

 

Music Pairing: Concrete Blonde’s Joey. Because it fits.

I have the right to

I must admit: I am in a creative slump. I want to write and I felt that I had nothing to say. Until now.  Last year I had an unforgettable experience. I attended a very short segment of  the first annual Washington Area Independent School Institute on Sexual Assault and Consent at Georgetown Day School in Washington, DC (where I went to high school).  I was going to blog about it when I got back home. Then I lost my nerve. I am just being honest. My blog was new and I was just not sure how honest I was capable of being with such a current subject that deserves attention and respect.

Then this week I finished Amy Schumer’s book, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo. She wrote about consent in one of her chapters. Just as I was finishing her book, I got the GDS magazine in the mail. One of the students had written on the Summit from last year. I read it, and combined with Schumer’s book, I was completely inspired.

I decided that my mistakes, my decisions, and my experiences were mine, yes,  but perhaps someone could learn from my deficits in judgement back in the day.  So, I feel compelled to share a few of these stories.  So if they make ONE person not feel so alone, so isolated and misunderstood, then I have no problem subjecting myself to judgment and the haters that are going to see something wrote with anything anyone does.  Let the haters hate and the judges judge. I am here to be honest Share what I know and have experienced with relationships: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

If I write on the subjects of consent or sexual assault, I may drop a hashtag. That’s not my norm, but I do want to recognize the work being done to bring this subject to light  I want to be part of the movement to allow people to understand what consent means. And what it means to me.

Look for a post about this in the coming week. In the future, I may share some ugly stories about this subject, mostly to let it live in the light, not the dark.

#Consentsummit16

#Ihavetherightto

#PAVE

Have a great rest of your weekend!