Heavy baggage

So, on Sex and the City, Carrie started dating Berger, another author, soon realizing the Ex-Files would have to be opened. Ugh. Like Carrie, I so wish we could start a new relationship with a brand new slate. No background noise, no messy past.  Is it really necessary to go there? Really?  What good can happen from the discovery phase of old failed relationships?

Okay, I will give it a try. I will try to be open to the fact that heavy awkward baggage can be okay, if we communicate about it. I can’t see how we can dance around with baggage filled with unintended resentment and triggers and expect our partner to read our minds when we become ultra sensitive in a situation. I think we kind of have to discuss  the weirdness. And thus, unpack our messy baggage.   And here we go: alcoholics,  workaholics, fathers, mothers, and mentally unstable people come tumbling out waiting to shock, dismay and discourage us from exploring the further  depths that  our great new relationship can go, Sometimes I feel like our skeletons are scarier locked in those bulky  bags.

Since the beginning of our budding relationship, my boyfriend and I have brought the contents of our baggage to the forefront, into the light  We have to bring it up really, because our lives have become what they are because of our past. We can’t put our heads in the sand and pretend our past relationships never existed; they are part of who we are, for better or for worse.  I think the passage of our past relationships have made us better, stronger people, but they have also created triggers.  In order to understand why we react the way we do to certain situations,  we need to share our stories of the alcoholic, the workaholic, the mentally unstable partners of the past.  I guess we could start fresh and not talk about them and pretend that we don’t have any triggers or buttons that can be pressed. At my age, I think that’s a little unrealistic .  When my guy and I talk, it helps me diminish the power of past loves,  because its only in the dark where they seem to unleash their venom, if we were to keep their power (to upset us) secret.  We won’t let the past relationships ruin us when they are out in the open.

So, as much as I hate bringing up some of my past, I think it just may be the way to go in an open and honest relationship that is geared for a great and prosperous future, rich in love.

What I am listening to now: Hymnal by In The Valley Below

Over the hump…

Here I am again, over the hump! I am so excited to be back here in blogging world because I am here to stay. I had a tough professional exam to get through and getting settled post-move. But here I am, ready to write and share!

So when I bought my new townhouse, I suspected it would take me a few months to get settled. I was right. I have been in my home for about a month and a half and still need to hang my artwork and fix my closets and a bathroom toilet. I couldn’t be happier here though. It’s really peaceful : I  have green beautiful grass , a recreation center and park,  and various paths  to walk Max  It was a huge decision to buy and I am so relieved I made the right choice, for me & Max.

Now that the exam and the bulk of the move are out of the way, I can direct my focus and attention right here, where I belong. I have had so many inspirations and situations that I have wanted to write about and just couldn’t get this laptop open. My attention kept me with my studies and I really hope I passed that exam!!

A few inspirations that will find their way to my blog:

  1. My weight loss: I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am working on more! It hasn’t been easy and I have a few blog posts in mind to share the journey.
  2. Relationships and the matchmaking thing: what a disaster! I believe I just threw away a chunk of money on a dating /match making organization. I got one date out of a speed dating event, but I doubt that’s going anywhere. Posts are coming your way about this also!
  3. Loneliness vs being alone-there is a difference, yes? I say yes also. I say yes to the palpable loneliness that has us wishing we had plans on a Saturday night. I also say yes to the joy of being alone sometimes. The loneliness is there, whether I am by myself on Saturday night at 6:30pm in bed or in a setting with friends or other couple(s) being sans Significant Other.  More to come.

 

See you really soon. I mean it!

Off track…featuring gummy bears and lemon drop martinis

Why am I posting exercise and fitness rants when I am supposed to be writing about dating, relationships and communication between males and females as well as female friends?  That was the focus, right? Well, I have found that the relationship I have with myself is pretty damn important. If I can’t be happy with the way I look or feel, how can I exude confidence? I can’t. If I can’t, how can I expect others to be confident in me and experience an attract to someone they want to get to know (male or female)? I can’t do that either. I am going go to be successful in the adventures of relationships with guys and my female friends when I am successful in the relationship I have with myself. Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City character) said this pretty exactly in the last episode of Sex and the City Season six, part two.

Enter fitness and exercise.  And diet (seemingly my albatross). When I have the tools in my tool chest, I have no excuses. Especially when I have used the tools with success in the last year. I have no one to blame but myself when I am to happy with the way things are going. I love the fitness part. I hate the healthy eating part.  Except, I love the way I feel and look when I am successful with healthy eating patterns and habits. I hate the way I feel after eating at  McDonalds. Why is it so hard? It makes total sense that I should be fully on board with the “eating right” thing. But I am not. So far from it. This weekend I have consumed the following in no particular order:

  • gummy bears
  • hot wings and sweet potato fries
  • two IPAs
  • movie popcorn
  • lemon drop martini
  • red wine
  • omelet with bacon and cheese (don’t forget the potatoes and bread with that please)
  • and some other stuff I can’t get remember.

So why is this so hard this year? If I could break through that, I think I could get to the crux of the problem. Just Saturday, I was reminded of my fat content when my personal trainer said “today, we are doing measurements”. Uh? What? I thought the fat caliper measurement was all that we needed to determine how out of shape I was. Clearly, not so much.

I have done the diet, the eating right, the changing of the paradigm. What happened over this last holiday season that got me so far off track? I am going to work on answerig that one, right after I grab a rice cake.  Seriously, they are not so bad when you  put some white cheddar cheese on top. Just kidding….Not.

 

Symbiosis: Are the scales ever balanced?

via Daily Prompt: Symbiosis

Am I too cynical? When is symbiosis beneficial to both parties? I haven’t seen this often enough.  There is always some power play. Maybe we could be symbiotic in some equal-ish transfer of different contributions, money, emotional support, intellect, sex….the list goes on. The transfer can be fluid. I suppose if both people absolutely are equal in their need for the other’s contributions  to the relationship, then the symbiosis is copacetic. All good.

But when is it EVER a perfect balance of power? When we are so invested in the others success? Is it because our success depends too heavily on the others?  I wish I could think about all the lovely ecosystems and symbiosis in nature. That would be so cool here in the world of human behavior in relationships. It’s just now where my head goes.  My head goes to dysfunction in the so-called symbiosis of relationships I have seen (not just my own, mind you).

In human relationships (take your pick), when are the scaled perfectly balanced to create a genuine symbiosis?

 

Conquer!

via Daily Prompt: Conquer

While I feel that this past Tuesday I did conquer my biggest financial hill, a chapter 13 bankruptcy, it felt so much truer when I saw the check clear in my checking account. I knew I had really done it. With a few people making sure someone paid (me), I now showed the its done. That battle is complete and I came out of it so much stronger than I ever could have hoped in a million years.  Honestly, I thought it would conquer me. I felt so broken, so desperate for taking that route. Now I have one more battle; someone owes me some money. To make me quasi whole (financially). I realize today, I am whole and amazingly a better version of myself 5 years ago. I am going to fight the financial battle on principle. I didn’t give up before. I sure as hell won’t be giving up now.

I will CONQUER again!

 

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Throwback Thursday 4: The Jesus Complex

So when I tell you this little story, understand I couldn’t be this creative. Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction, and not to be as cliché as that sounds, but it is absolutely the case here.  This ex-boyfriend is a special case. There are so many special little tales I could tell, from his delusions, his stealing my medicine to get whatever high he was looking for, from dreaming about having sex with his cousin  (yes, at least that’s what he told me he dreamt about) to THIS.  This story is  more true than I could possibly want to admit.

I had heard stories about his ex, the mother of his children. I had heard his trash talking, his regrets, a lot of it. Drama seemed to follow this dude. All over  the damn place in this Mile High City. But to his credit, I followed him, so it was NOT one of my proudest dating choices. I’ll be 100% honest there. After all the complaints and bitching about the ex, his newest request came as quite  a shock, despite being aware of some of his delusions (there would be no sex with the cousin or art show starring him, etc.).

 

Sooo, the ex is coming to town (from out-of-state). Okay.  I spend a lot of time over there with him and his son, so I figured I may meet her. No one is supposed to stay over there as I found out he had some special funding and a case manager (Section 8, I have no clue). Anyway, I owned my condo at the time; I could care less about his special housing situation. Except when I can’t go over at all.  A few days prior to her arrival he said he had to talk to me about her coming. He told me, “you won’t be able to come over for a few days”. I asked why as this was very new.  He explained that his ex was coming, to which I relied that I was well aware of the fact. I was LESS aware that she would be staying with him.  I told him that there is no where for her to stay really as his daughter will stay on the couch. He explained the situation according to him. And that the ex will be sleeping with him (but “nothing will happen”).

“Imagine I am like Jesus Christ. Jesus had disciples”. Yes, I am familiar. And yes, he actually said this.  So he goes on, seriously. He explains that like Jesus, he has disciples and his ex and daughter are two examples. Hmmm. Okay. He has to bring them in to his place, and not turn them away in order to live a life like Jesus lived.  Who the hell said he had to sleep with them? Did Jesus sleep with his disciples? That part of the Bible is not familiar to me. Please explain. Perhaps if he did, this ex of mine was more like Jesus than he imagined. So what ended up happening?

My insecure self just accepted what he had to say. I stayed aware while  the ex stayed with their daughter. Soon after that, they decided to get back together. Surprise, surprise. I am so sure nothing happened in bed that week.  Between Jesus and his disciple.

I think I may have dodged a bullet there. I always have said Jesus is one of the top ten dead people I’d love to meet. I just pictured him a little differently.

 

Please share with me any bizarre dating stories. That’s what Throwback Thursdays are all about!!

 

Music pairing: Sympathy for the Devil by the Rolling Stones

 

 

Me, Myself & I: my relationship with alone time

So, I have to confess that quite some time ago, the notion of having a weekend of no plans was terrifying. A 48 hour plus period of time where I need to spend time just with myself would have forced me into a tizzy of “What do I do, where can I go? Who should I call?” and a most uncomfortable, unsettling feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin would set in a self-imposed sense of doom. Maybe it brought back memories of being unpopular, alone, and scared.  Back in the day, I went out all the time, even by myself  to clubs etc….just to be with others and NOT all by myself. Because what could I possibly do on my own that could have value?

Turns out I LOVE alone time. I love the freedom of no accountability for 48 hours. Well, that’s not completely true. I don’t totally disconnect these days. I just merely love the idea of not making plans or feeling like I have to do any specific thing. Today, I am blessed with a few friends.  I don’t feel the need to make a ton of superficial contacts just so I have someone to do something with.  Being comfortable being alone does not mean I like to isolate. It does not. It means I walk confidently into a restaurant and say “Table for one please” or go to the movies: “One for Manchester By The Sea please” (that was my most recent solo venture)…..I’ve done this for a long time and it feels  uttlery grafiying and supremely fantastic.

Being comfortable in my own skin to stay home or go out and do when I want when I want is  freedom that I did not previously allow myself until I entered my  early 30’s. My first solo vacation (not family oriented) was when I was about 30 and traveled to Mexico on my own. That liberated me. It was the turning point. “If I can travel to Mexico alone, I can do anything in Denver alone,” was my thinking. And damn. That was just the beginning. After countless restaurants and movies and trips alone to Mexico since, I can safely say I can’t imagine being restricted by having a mate to travel with or see movies with. I can be alone at home and watch what I want or go out to the movies solo and not wait for someone to want to see the exact same thing. I don’t have to go to bar just to be near people. I am fine. On my own. Any time of the day.  Whether my friend travels with me to Paris this year (which would be the best girl’s trip ever) or not, I know I am good on my own, which liberates me and my friend at the same time. Paris is possible all on my own.

Now, I’m not going to pretend I don’t need people, period. OF COURSE I DO. I think it’s more of a question of wanting people in my life. To an extent, I need people for normal socialization. I generally just feel I want certain people in my life. I don’t per se, need them to have my own value as a person. I value myself as myself, solo. People I choose to have in my life are there because I want them. Whether they are family, different female friends, work friends or relationships of a romantic nature.  I choose them and I hope they choose me. Last year, I unfriended and blocked a lot of people on Facebook because I realized they really chose to not be friends with me or I didn’t have a genuine relationship with them. It was so liberating to know that Facebook is now  full of people I want in my life. There are more to add and more to subtract, but its liberating to know I choose what I want in my life and don’t need to have someone in my life for whatever reason.

So what to do this weekend? Besides blogging, I think I would like to catch up on a movie or two. Hanging out with my puggle on the couch with popcorn rewatching “Amy” sounds  cool also. I have so many options!

 

Have a fantastic weekend, whether you are flying solo or with great friends and family!