self-awareness – Brilliant Distraction

Why so long???

I ask myself this….. why haven’t I posted in so long? I could say that I have been busy, but everyone is busy….excuses, excuses… Is it because I am afraid of getting stalked a little and my voice is self-censored because I don’t want to deal with that? Maybe. Is it because I don’t have anything to say right now? I don’t think so, I am always thinking of things to blog about at the most inopportune time.

I changed gyms and getting regular with a gym that I love; the problem has been food. Food gets in the way and we know you can’t outrun a bad diet. Not that I run….of course not, but you know what I mean. Over all, I have been better, but as I type, I am sipping on a calorie free iced tea paired with a polycaloric croissant. Why do I do this to myself? I have eaten slightly less sugary crap. Though, when that Cinnabon store opens at the mall, I will be in trouble.

What I need to do is carve out time for meal prep like I used to do. I prepared the week by making chicken on one day and a big salad and eating that during the week, This is what I need to be doing. I will blog more. And more often. That is my promise to you!

Till then….

I’m still writing…with thicker skin….

It has been quite a few months since my last post, six of so to be exact. I know I let something from last year hinder my progression on my site; while it’s not important what the reason was, it is critical that I move on. I need to move on in this world and remember the writing is still important. I keep hearing that I should write for myself, not for anyone else. If I write for someone else’s satisfaction, I may not get to my truth. If I don’t get to my truth, then what’s the point of writing or reading this, even?

I had a person who was very upset about what I had written a few years ago. He came on the scene over time in my messages and then made this very big hissy fit in late December of 2021. Even though no one knew who he was or where he came from. Even though no one could pick him from a line up-absolutely no identifying information was expressed in my post. I regretfully took down that post to meet his childish ego’s needs and wish I had just kept it. It was well written and funny. It was called “The Jesus Complex”. I took it down just to shut him up; I had drama when he was in my life and now that he has not been in my life for almost 2 decades, I just wanted to be done with it. I can write again, I thought. I can flow creatively at the drop of a hat, I thought. He won’t affect my ability to go forth and blog publicly, I thought….

Well, it turns out that it has been harder than I thought. I know I won’t be writing stories that involve that fool again, but I have not been able to freely write with out wondering if I will get any hate mail. I need to grow thicker skin and not worry about such criticism. People are going to be critical and judge mental. They are going to poke fun. I need to keep going and write my truth. I will write what I need to and not concern myself with the rest.

Stay tuned!

A spending problem….

What is a spending problem? A shopping spree? Is it really just a shopping spree? What if it happens when you go to the mall for said spree monthly? Weekly? When you know you deserve a nice perfume or new purse? Or if you’re feeling down because it’s fall and the holidays are coming? You’re lonely? You know you want those really cute boots? 2 pair? Go ahead and get them!!

I am pretty sure there is more to it. I am confident when I spend money I don’t really have, when I ask someone to hold on to my credit cards, except one, that I have more than a spending problem. Some people call that an addiction. I rationalize my decisions, entitle myself to material goods, ignore my debit and engage in the risky behavior of spending addiction. I know I need to stop.Today. Of course there is more to it.

There is the problem to stop and then there is the WHY of it. Why am I using spending to feel loved when I am having trouble feeling loved outside of my acquisition of new shiny things? The WHY will come; right now I need to stop the problem. One day at a time, I am told. Like any other addiction. What can I do to assuage my profound need for things? The need to feel empowered by pulling out my credit card and getting the new Louis Vuitton coin purse or Freebird boots? I have a few ideas…

1. Everyday I will look in the mirror and say no spending on unnecessary things today; I will do this one day at a time.

2. I will make a budge and commit to it.

3. If I am compelled to go to the mall (surprisingly my addiction does not involve Amazon or other online purchases at this time), I will go on a walk, blog, text a friend that is supportive and fully understands my plight.

4. Recommit to the budget and sit the fuck down and watch some tv, read a book, anything.

I think this is a start. I know what’s going on here now and I am ready to stop. Before you naysayers say that’s not a true addiction, let me ask you: does it cost money and at any cost I could end up hungry from now having food, does it cause me to go in debt, does it affect my mental and physical health, is it a compulsion that is rationalized by anything? Hell, yes..

I have a spending addiction and I am ready to stop..

Music I am listening to now: Addicted -Amy Winehouse

The end of the writer’s block—at least I hope so!

It’s been so many months since I have posted; I know that it’s not right, but I had a big dose of life going on. I finally got my place in Denver. I’ve always lived in Denver and the surrounding area, but this is ownership in the actual city! Amidst the homelessness, the violence, the substance abuse crisis, and many others ailments of Denver, I am the proud owner of a condo in a very established neighborhood. While I moved in August, I am just now feeling more settled.

I have been writing about relationships and exercise. Separately. Two different entities. I think its time to stop that. I think that I am ready to blend those tow areas of my life, because they have truly been intermixed this whole time. I think my weight has gotten in the way of my relationships and I think seeking a relationship has taken time from my time at the gym. They are indeed fused and I can’t compartmentalize them any more.

I think its also time I write about my valuable friendships, because they are the glue that holds me together sometimes; I think it’s only right that I make a few changes to my approach…mostly because its overdue, but also it may help me break my creative block. In the next posts to come, you will read about my life and adventures in staying fit, navigating the dating scene, and travel.

More to come….

Larger than life.

Okay, so I was told, or rather texted that I was the most shallow person ever. That I should be ashamed of myself for how horrible I was for ultimately having to confess I was not attracted to him after meeting him. I thought I could get there (attraction), but I just could not.

Let’s back up a second. I guess I should begin at the beginning. We didn’t talk that long before we met, but our first night of talking was a marathon. Yes, a marathon of 5.5 hours. Jesus. I was attracted to his face. I asked for more pics because well, I needed to get the full picture! He warned me that he had back surgery almost 2 years ago and had gained some weight then got sick, so his weight loss has not really taken off. He sent me some vague pics, but they didn’t seem so bad. So bad is an understatement. I agreed to visit him in the Springs. So we decided on last Tuesday. I was pretty excited, because our conversations have been great and we were looking for the same things; I didn’t see anything that could go wrong, except physical attraction and I was hoping I would not be disappointed.

I got to his house. I knocked on the door. It was kind of downhill from there. He warned me his house was going to be a mess because he had been sick a few weeks ago and had not cleaned his kitchen yet (even though he was sick weeks ago and fine now). And while his kitchen was fairly atrocious with dishes everywhere and crap food sitting on the counter tops (does he even eat healthfully?), the biggest issue was staring back right at me. He was much bigger than he led me to believe. His photos that he sent to me were very vague and hid a lot, as it turned out. My face didn’t lie. Apparently, he could tell right away that I was taken aback by his appearance. I know this is downright horrible, but I feel this is misleading advertising. I feel that while beauty is skin deep (I really do), physical attraction is a huge part to a spark.

I know I need to lose weight too, so this is the part that is so hard. I had full pics on my profile though from the last few months. So we talked about it …the weight. We talked about weight being temporary and how we can both lose weight; I just couldn’t keep the disappointment off my face. I wasn’t convinced, but I was trying to rationalize my long trip down to the Springs and my investment in this very short lived relationship. We came to the conclusion that we would try to lose weight together. So I felt that would satisfy me for a while. I spent the night with him, which was a huge mistake. Huge mistake. It just brought the fact home that I absolutely COULD NOT do this. I didn’t sleep at all that night. I don’t know if it was the strange bed, the strange man, or simply the size of the man sleeping next to me. I couldn’t wait to get out of there in the morning.

The next day, I barely texted; he asked me what was up and I said all was fine, but I was busy working. The truth. And not the truth. Yes, I was on the clock, but that never stopped me from spending time texting with him through out the day. He could tell there was something different. When he asked me what was going on, I was vague. I was kind. I didn’t see the need to be blunt, but in all honesty that was at the recommendation of my good friend. I really just wanted to be done with it. He pressured me and dug for answers. He told me to not give him riddles.. Tell him like it is. So I told him there was no sexual chemistry for me; I was not physically attracted to him. It was then I got the text. The horrifying text that I was indeed shallow. I was awful and should be ashamed of myself. This was the shittiest thing that ever happened to him. I apologized. He said to stop messaging him. So I stopped. But I couldn’t stop thinking how I made him feel. Even though he sent me misleading photos. Even though I invested a lot of time into the beginning of this relationship.

That would be great if that was the end of the story, but its not. It’s not a good story without a little irony thrown in for good measure. So a few days after he told me I was extremely (he used a different word) shallow, I stepped on the scale.

I weighed more than I have ever weighed in my life. Ever.

Music I am listening to: Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette (think Ironic).

Stay tuned: I am now embarking on a new journey toward weight loss and fitness reminiscent of the others I have blogged about, but more permanent.

I am back!!

Hey everyone!!

I have no good excuse for not writing since Covid -19 hit us hard. I really don’t know what happened; you would think Denver’s Shelter In Place period would have been the perfect time to really catch up on writing as there was nothing else to do. Even when things opened up a bit, I should have opened up and started writing again. I am not sure what happened, but I have some ideas. And I want to share them as I start to explore more about myself and what’s keeping me from my ultimate personal success (relationships, fitness, work, etc)….

I deal with anxiety and insomnia on a fairly regular basis. Covid -19 made writing and being physically and mentally healthy much more difficult for me. It became almost impossible for me to find the creative energy to blog and then soon after writer’s block set in. Nothing bad happened to me; I never got really sick, but I did have some preliminary symptoms and got tested (negative).

I have been out and about and continuing to gain some bizarre experiences in the dating world. I have some stories to tell, but I have to play catch up first and bring you all up to date.

First of all, I sold the place I lived in suburbia; that was a sociological experiment gone wrong; I felt so out of place amongst the families and the chit chat that goes with being married with kids. I belong in the city. I moved back into Denver in the summer and I am so happy! Secondly, one of my closest friends is my roommate and we are having fun. I am settled, along with my two pups. I need to start blogging again (this is a good start) and exercising.

Between me and some good friends, I have experienced and heard some dating misadventures and I will be sharing those stories soon with you all. I am also going to restart my journey toward good health and fitness. Physical health also took a huge hiatus when I moved.

So, hang tight people, because I have finally emerged from my hiatus and I have plenty to share.

Back in the fitness game!

I’ve been working on my health plan for weight loss and realized nutrition is a huge part of it, more than I’d like to admit. But eating healthy feels better; Not going to lie: It’s not as much fun sometimes. Saying no to brownies and mostly salty food, like nachos and wings. Smaller numbers on the scale makes it all worth it. I am getting ready to leave the plan that I have been on and go in a different direction. We will see what happens. I failed at the transition plan miserably the first time and gained ten pounds, thinking one brownie or one order of wings wouldn’t matter. They do matter. A lot. I need to be on my game. I felt that to be more on top of things, I would add fitness to the recipe for success.

So after last year of trying a personal trainer, I thought I would try a different approach. A different gym. And wow, is it different! I’d be more likely to call this a health club, not just a gym. The philosophy is different and the fitness coaches/trainers appear to be more educated, or at least mine is. My old trainer was good, don’t get me wrong. This trainer just has a lot more information and education for me. There is so much to know about working out to maximize my metabolism. I went through some metabolic assessments and learned a lot about how my body specifically responds to oxygen demands and how it burns fats v. carbs compared with typical and optimal burn patterns. No doubt, I have put some money into this. It makes me accountable and sometimes I need that, if i am being totally honest. I just can’t always do it without a little kick in the ass. A firm kick in the ass was definitely in order when my trainer asked me how often I plan to work out. Accountability, hello! “Three times a week is something I can commit to” rolled somewhat easily off my tongue. Wow, okay Alyssa. I guess I am working out three times a week. At least I can pick my own days. So we created a program for me which I think will really set me up for success. This is one step further than I took at the other gym; today, I am making a commitment for Tuesday, Friday and Saturday each week. I never committed to specific days last year, just a vague promise of “I”ll be here”. Tuesday will be my recovery day and I will take yoga. It will definitely get my breathing and heart rate in gear, but it won’t be as intense as the metabolic conditioning/strength training that I will be doing the other days. I have a feeling, however, that yoga will be hard work for me. At least in the beginning. It’s been years since I worked on my yoga practice at an actual yoga studio. I have signed up for my first class for this Tuesday evening. It’s great, because they have yoga classes in the morning and evening, so whatever my shift I can get in yoga as their morning class starts at 5:30AM!!

I’m excited to really show my commitment to my trainer and most of all, myself. But I am actually slightly scared. I am in fear of failing. In fear of succeeding. No, not that…definitely a fear of failing. I’ve failed in sticking with a fitness regimen post -training (and all the money that went with that). I want to succeed, both in fitness health (efficiency in oxygen demands and cardiovascular health) as well as in weight loss. Which I guess is another branch of fitness health. Whatever it may be, I want it all.

I’m hoping I can pull off all of it, the healthy eating transition and the fitness plan. I have been definitely giving this all some attention in past posts. Next to blogging, it’s what I want to improve upon the most in my life. That’s basically it, writing and my health are my primary priorities. Sure, I write about relationships, and while that is a goal, maybe I should just focus on the things I am in more control of. Like writing and self-care /self-improvement. I think that will in turn make me relationship ready.

IF you have any tips for the balancing act of healthy eating and healthy fitness, drop me a comment or contact me on my contact page!! Thank you in advance.

Music I’m listening to: a playlist called Sexy. It’s got some really good songs and its great for working out!

How many Louis Vuitton bags do I need anyway?

Sorry, but its been a minute since my last blog. I have made strides in my spending habit since my last post. I have some money saved now and I am ready to make payments on my credit cards. I just had a conversation with my close friend about money and financial freedom. She is so amazing when it comes to that type of discipline that it gives me hope that I too can get there. Don’t get me wrong: I want so many things and I feel like I deserve them. I work hard and I have a right to enjoy nice things. BUT, and a big but, I will enjoy these things for a short time, like a week. Then it will likely go back to the far reaches of my closet. How many Louis Vuitton bag does one need anyway? Seriously. If I haven’t said it before, I think two is sufficient.

Intellectually, I know all of this and it all makes perfect sense. My friend also suggested I make a list of all thing things I want to have RIGHT now. Keep that list for reference and see how those things are just things. That if I want them down the line, I can save up money. Buy the cash, not credit. I think this is a fabulous idea. It’s like a bucket list of the shit I really honestly don’t need; hopefully, its a bucket list of material crap that won’t enrich my life…

Instead, I think I am going to use some of that cash for a vacation. Which is still spending money, yes, but on something that will give me unforgettable forever memories. It’s not a piece of expensive leather or even vinyl that will live in my closet indefinitely. Baby steps, people! So AFTER paying off a chunk of my credit cards, I am going to buy my vacation with cash, not credit. It’s a start, right? And that’s where I need to begin.

Healing power

via Daily Prompt: Heal

So I remember a long time ago, back when I had my other blog, I wrote about the healing process because it is something any honest person can relate to. I say honest because it really takes someone who can be true to themselves, and less importantly to others, to admit she (or he) is healing from something, that there was something broken to begin with. That’s ego. If the ego can make way for healing, then we have half a chance, don’t we.

Physical illness is a process, but a sympathetic process. People can get behind that. There are those who have the disease of addiction and healing from that. Who’s supporting them, encouraging the healing and sobering process (although it is ultimately up to the addict). People seem slightly little less sympathetic. “Oh you’re clean and sober? That’s great”… Healing from years of the disease of addiction is not easy. I am not an addict, but I know those who have died from the disease. I even heard someone say of those having difficulty of the healing process: “if they die from overdosing its just natural selection” . It was a bit shocking to hear this. I guess I am naive to think that the general public could have sympathy for those with addiction. From my experience with people close to me, it is probably one of the hardest diseases to recover from and heal successfully from the ravages of addiction. I was slightly more shocked at the statement about natural selection as my stepbrother died from an overdose and the person who said this may or may not have known this. It really doesn’t matter whether he knew it or not.

Everyone is trying to heal from something. You never know who is working on some path to recovery, Whether someone is healing from a physical injury, a broken heart, or depression, it really doesn’t matter does it?

Have some compassion people and let us heal ourselves in the best way we can. We are not infallible; we are mere mortals.

Music pairing: Hold on by Sarah McLachlan