To Settle or Not To Settle?

Is settling as bad as it sounds? Does it mean we are compromising our ideals and expectations? To me, that’s how it sounds. It sounds nothing like ‘settling down’. Which seems to mean more of a ‘putting down roots’ type of thing. Maybe?  I feel like no one wants to settle, but I think people are doing it  all the time in the name of instant gratification;  it cures loneliness and an insatiable need for companionship. Does that mean that independent people who don’t have that need will never settle because they really don’t need that  constant companionship?

I just don’t know right now. I am fairly independent, complete with a newly purchased townhouse (on my own, no roommates, unless you count my puggle Max), vacations done solo,  and dinners and movies with no requisite date. These things really don’t bother me. Most of the time. There are times (mostly the weekends) where I long for some companionship.  And in those periods of time, I find myself bored and looking in places that have never provided much promise, like dating online. So there I am, settling. Is setting that bad? All of the time? Or is it just looked down upon if you are settling for long term solutions?  So this brings a new question…Short term v. long term settling? Is either “worse”? Do you find yourself doing this? What is that?

Am I guilty of short term settling? It’s highly likely. Which sets me up for losing opportunities for a more worthy partner in the long term…. if I am not looking at the big picture and parlaying my patience in the short term for more rewarding relationships in the long term. Is it because as I get older, I assume the dating pool is more like a wee little pond and there are not, in fact, plenty of fish? Thus, being in a hurry and bored is an unfortunate cocktail for not so satisfying relationships.  I get the idea patience will get me through boredom. Then I won’t have to settle in the long term, much less the short term. Boredom is a bitch!  More time to blog, less time for boredom!!

 

Drop a comment and let me know: Is settling the worst thing ever? Is there a difference between short term and long term settling?

 

Listening to Depeche Mode’s Some Great Reward…specifically Somebody… Depeche Mode can be a little depressing sometimes, but sometimes the perfect sentiment.

 

 

Kiss that frog

So, I’ve kissed a lot of frogs. Some toads, some poisonous frogs, and even some cleverly disguised toads appearing to be cute appealing frogs. But no Prince Charming in sight. And now I am wondering if that is my fault. If I am in more control of that than I once thought.  Is it my expectations or anxieties that direct my successes and failures? I am beginning to think that could be true.

I have little bits of anxieties, likely triggered by insecurities. I think we all have them, but I think that sooner I take control of them, the more successful I will be at not self-sabotaging worthwhile opportunities for viable relationships. I don’t know if control is the right word, but perhaps anxiety management. The anxiety I have seems to only manifest where relationships are concerned. I don’t seem to have as much anxiety in other areas of my life. I’m working to figure that one out, but for now, I want to manage the relationship anxiety. One way I KNOW it manifests is with my insecurities and I end up texting too much, talking too much about shit that shouldn’t be brought up in the name of “honesty”. And then oh crap, there goes a perfectly good relationship! Damn! The insecurities are either obvious or not so obvious. I think many of us struggle with the whole “Am I lovable?”, “Am I worth waiting for?”, “Am I funny enough? Interesting enough? Funny enough?”……And it goes on and on. We can either give up or remain hopeful that perhaps we are all of these things if we just believe in ourselves a little bit m more. Way easier said than done, I know. Of all people, I certainly get this. So what do we do to control or manage this anxiety? I think we just have to get a handle on these insecurities. Personally, I am having a fortunate period of NO drama in my life. Not much going on in the way of crisis. So if you don’t mind, I will probably keep you updated on my self-discovery of these insecurities cropping up in the relationship area of my life. If I can possibly identify them, thereby reducing my anxieties or better managing them, perhaps it could help someone else. AND that is why I need to write more.

Then, of course, there are the expectations. How do I manage expectations? And do I need to rearrange or lessen my expectations? This is such a hard question. I mean if I don’t think I am asking much, but maybe I am.

Let’s see:

  • Intelligent
  • Gainfully employed
  • Funny
  • Taller than I am if possible (not a hard rule, but must be my height)
  • Kind to people and animals
  • and lastly, physically attractive to me

That’s it! Ha!

When people tell me to manage my expectations, I hear: “Settle Alyssa, you’re not going to find all that in one guy. Your dating pool is too small to expect much more”. I can’t help it. So what do I do? Settle in the looks department, in the intelligence department?  Or I don’t settle, but I relax in the intensity department. I am a bit intense. I know it’s scared a few people off. But is the intensity caused by insecurity? Is it a form of anxiety? I think it could be. I am working on that as well. I think the management of  expectations is a tough nut to crack. I need to work on this and I think it may take some time.

If anyone has experience in the management of anxiety/insecurities or expectations, please, please, please drop a comment! I think we could all learn a thing or two.  In the meantime, I will update my blog with progress on the anxiety and expectations arena.

This is my first post in a while, but I have re-established my passion for writing/blogging and you’ll hear much more from me!

 

LISTENING TO: Peter Gabriel’s Kiss that Frog. Of course!

Being alone is not a “Plus One” event

I think many of us have felt the difference between being alone and the stench of loneliness. I think most of us would much rather feel the peace of the downtime we get being alone. I can definitely do alone. I know not everyone can. I am fine with it much of the time. I can’t imagine the idea of living with anyone right now. I would have to be engaged or married, just like I was last time when I moved in with some one, my ex-husband.  When I am alone, I am at peace; I can do what I want, no one else is invited to my alone time. It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is.  Well, I guess sometimes it does. Usually, though, I can go to the movies alone, go for lunch alone and have absolutely no issue.  But sometimes, just sometimes, loneliness rears its ugly, pitiful head. It’s then where being single is a state of affairs full of remorse.

Loneliness sucks. It just does.  I can feel it on my own usually when something just inspires me to feel less than in my current single status. I feel it  all around at random times that are so hard to predict. Like now, I am in a coffee shop, watching all these couples walk in and think “I wish I was part of that”. I wish I had someone to hang out with at night and first thing in the morning.  I feel less than, knowing that if i had what it took to be part of a couple, I  would be. So what’s missing. I used to be part of a couple lots of times, mostly through my early twenties and part of my 30s and then when I was married at the end of my 30’s. That’s when I snap out of it typically. I think of how I want to spend my time, with someone I can’t predict, or alone, in the peace of my own hobbies,  reading and downtime. Is it that I am so set in my ways, that I can’t make room for someone at my age? Is it that I am sooo hardened, I can not let go and just be vulnerable for the right person. Have I passed by the right person and just been too rigid and uninviting. I am a pretty nice person, but I know that lately its been really hard to just let go. I am rigid with my boundaries and maybe I am keeping out the right person. I am creating my own loneliness, perhaps? The irony of this makes me laugh out loud.

I will try to be less guarded, but aren’t we supposed to be a little guarded? Where’s the balance?  Drop me a comment…tell me about your experience.

 

Music I am listening to: Depeche Mode’s Black Celebration

“They take this seriously”?

So I am sitting here incredulous. At the point of investing cash into this matchmaking/dating organization, the company insisted that the men take their search for a meaningful relationship seriously. It seemed logical, as they were putting down some serious cash, as was I. The first week I checked my options and selected a few members; of all the selected members, I got one rejection. Which is totally fine. I am not for everyone. That’s cool. However, I got not so much as a nod or a rejection from the other 8 or so. They were “active” on the site. What’s happening? So I talked to the member advisors at the site who informed me that possibly they were pursuing other relationships, but were not serious with them ,and thus still active. Hmm? So, over the next week or two, I selected another 8-9 in my wee little dating pool (45-55yo). Yes, it is old and I feel old just checking that box.  Again one or two rejections and absolutely nothing from the majority of them. I inquire again and they say, “It’s only a month in. Give it time! It only takes one!! Remember that!”. What??? It only takes one?? No,  I want to say. It does not take just one. It takes many frogs to find a prince. Many, many frogs. Usually toads. At best, frogs.

So then, one afternoon, one of the member advisors calls me asking if I would like to go to a speed dating event up in Denver, free of charge. I said “Why not?”. So I went the next evening; four or five women showed up. Four men showed up. One man and one woman matched upon before the event even began and took off. That left well, almost no one. I was sitting with this guy who seemed nice enough and was miraculously from  my new town (45 minutes south). We talked before the even started and then during out 4-6 minutes. The other two men were totally not for me. The first one actually had some potential and we ended up grabbing drinks and dinner after. We headed into Cherry Creek in my little convertible (top down, nice night) and talked non stop for several hours. It’s hard to tell, but I will be honest: I may have done more of the talking! But we traded numbers. He then proceeded to cancel on me twice. that week; He lost momentum, almost. And I almost lost interest. He then texted when I didn’t expect he was still interested to get together. I agreed because he did seem nice. I couldn’t tell whether he was keeping the date because he felt bad or because he actually wanted to meet up.

So we finally met up and he picked me up. We headed downtown. We backed up into a bat -mobile (a black type of something that possibly resembled a  heavy-duty ATV).  A little damage, not too bad. We headed to the 16th Street Mall and hit the Rialto Cafe. Decent conversation. Decent food. We walked around after, but mostly just to find the car. I needed the exercise. We headed back to my place. We had been talking about our places in Parker, so I gave him a tour. He gave me a kiss, then said “Isn’t that what you wanted?”…. WHAT?  I replied “Don’t do me any favors”. He retorted: “I’m not” and continued. It continued for a while and then he took off; nothing much happened and barely a mention of hanging out again. Which is fine.

The next two days we texted a little, but I initiated each time. Then the day he was taking off the weekend (Thursday), I decided to NOT initiate. At all. Nothing. And received NOTHING. And that was that.

The end. Till the next time! You know, because they take this seriously.

Music I’m thinking of here: Amy Winehouse’s Back To Black.

 

Losing it!

I am in transition mode in my weight loss/healthy living program and I am loving it and losing weight at the same time!! I haven’t been perfect, of course. I have had a few cheat days, but mostly i have been on course. I have even lost a few pounds during my maintenance phase. I just watch all my labels and ensure that when I do eat a few more calories, I am cognizant of my choices. I have been exercising more with my puggle Max and we have both been enjoying the longer walks. I can’t lose weight and be in good health just on good diet alone (though that’s a huge thing); I need to work out.

My next step is to get to the gym. When I moved, I drove over to the rec center (when I could have easily walked there) and registered my membership (that comes with my pricy HOA). So, yes, i have been walking more with Max and getting the movement going  Now I need to step up my game. Like three steps! I am trying to walk Max at least 1 mile a day three-five days a week. Now, I need to get my fitness plan going at the gym. They have a gym and I am seriously getting motivated.  Seriously. Let’s go to the gym. I have my playlist on my iPhone ready to go. What day? How about tomorrow? I know the right answer is “TODAY”, but that’s not going to happen as I have a ton of errands and already walked Max on an extended walk. Why not both you say? That’s a very good question! Like I said , I need to step it up…. I will keep you posted!!

Over the hump…

Here I am again, over the hump! I am so excited to be back here in blogging world because I am here to stay. I had a tough professional exam to get through and getting settled post-move. But here I am, ready to write and share!

So when I bought my new townhouse, I suspected it would take me a few months to get settled. I was right. I have been in my home for about a month and a half and still need to hang my artwork and fix my closets and a bathroom toilet. I couldn’t be happier here though. It’s really peaceful : I  have green beautiful grass , a recreation center and park,  and various paths  to walk Max  It was a huge decision to buy and I am so relieved I made the right choice, for me & Max.

Now that the exam and the bulk of the move are out of the way, I can direct my focus and attention right here, where I belong. I have had so many inspirations and situations that I have wanted to write about and just couldn’t get this laptop open. My attention kept me with my studies and I really hope I passed that exam!!

A few inspirations that will find their way to my blog:

  1. My weight loss: I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am working on more! It hasn’t been easy and I have a few blog posts in mind to share the journey.
  2. Relationships and the matchmaking thing: what a disaster! I believe I just threw away a chunk of money on a dating /match making organization. I got one date out of a speed dating event, but I doubt that’s going anywhere. Posts are coming your way about this also!
  3. Loneliness vs being alone-there is a difference, yes? I say yes also. I say yes to the palpable loneliness that has us wishing we had plans on a Saturday night. I also say yes to the joy of being alone sometimes. The loneliness is there, whether I am by myself on Saturday night at 6:30pm in bed or in a setting with friends or other couple(s) being sans Significant Other.  More to come.

 

See you really soon. I mean it!