Colorado: a dating desert 2.5

And here we are again! I met a very nice guy on OKCupid almost a month ago. We went out maybe three or four times. In my old ways, I probably would have realized I was not interested immediately. I just was not physically attracted to him. He was so nice though and we got along well and he was fun to be with. So why not? I will give it a chance. It almost seemed reminiscent of last year when I went to Belize with a guy that I realized was also a nonviable relationship. We had gone too fast too soon and booked a vacation a month in.  Anyway, I continued to make some new dates with this new guy; when I left to see family over Thanksgiving, my plans to watch my dogs fell through 2 days before I was supposed to leave. The new guy stepped up. I had no choice, but I did kinda trust him. I was pretty much forced to trust him. He took great care of my pups; he even picked me up from the airport with dogs and a dozen pink roses (they are my favorite and he knew it).  When he came back to the house we made dinner and one of my close friends came over for dinner. She liked him. Which is always nice when the people you trust like the new guy.  What was my problem? That night we went to bed and talked. Nothing happened because I couldn’t  put up with more than a single kiss, more like a peck if I am being honest.

So we reconvened Saturday night. He was very excited; he wanted to meet my friends who ended up having to take a rain check. I Ubered up there to the jazz bar close by, He met me and I knew it was going to be quite a night. I started drinking fairly immediately; maybe I’d loosen up and feel some chemistry. Earlier in the week when  he texted me “Are you excited for me to meet your friends?”, I realized I wasn’t at that moment. And that’s when the doubts really set in.  So here I am Saturday night, drinking.  A lot. We are having fun, but I feel no connection. No desire for touch or flirting. I ask again: what is my problem? He is a perfect gentleman. He wasn’t trying anything, yet he paid the whole bill. He kept saying how good I looked and how he liked me. I was starting to feel uneasy. I couldn’t return the compliments. I am concrete and very honest; I couldn’t just “be polite”.  Even when drunk.  We had fun, but I felt like i was having lots of drinks with a fun friend. Not a prospective boyfriend. We Ubered back to my place. Again, NOTHING happened and I fell asleep. The next morning……was an awkward disaster.

I woke up after 5 hours of sleep and he asked “Are you attracted to me?”. Whoa!!  I have to be brutally honest as I just had my eyes opened for like a minute. Okay , maybe ten. So I asked him if he really wanted me to answer that. He rolled over away from me and turned over a few minutes later  and said “Yes”.  So I was my barely awake,  but concretely and very honestly gave him my 8 AM response.  “ I don’t think so”. Okay so 98% honest. If I am being honest, I didn’t have to “think” about it; the answer was no. That morning was awkward and quiet. He challenged me and asked why I didn’t end things at the first date (like I probably should have) and I told him I wanted to give it a chance and see if there was chemistry.  I just told him it never happened for me. He had invited me for an expense paid trip over Valentine’s Day to the hot springs with my dogs. When I told him I thought we were taking it slowly and I can’t commit to that, I thought he would have caught on that. I should have ended it there as well. But for some reason, I thought I would give it one last in person date to see. I did. I drank. It is definitely over.

We ended up still going to breakfast that morning. He wants to be friends and still work out with me and make chili for me, etc….I wouldn’t mind being friends with him, but I think he’s going to be hurt when I start dating and find it inappropriate to do things with someone I used to date. I told him that. He didn’t quite understand. I dropped him off at his car at the bar (from last night). I told him to take a day to think about things, but I did not think it would be the best idea to work out Tuesday.  I think he needs time to see if he still wants to be friends.

And I trudge forward in the dating desert that is Colorado.

Stay tuned!!

 

Colorado: a dating desert 2.0

I am floored. I thought my text was firm, confident. I thought I left it with him on no uncertain terms, that I never wanted to talk to the guy again. You know, the dangerous guy with all kinds of red flags. Now he wants to meet at services today. As it is Shabbat. And talk. Talk? Talk! What is there to talk about? You are accused of terrible things and are standing trial in early 2020. What do I want with you?  After leaving what I thought was a distinct text to leave me alone, he waited a few weeks.

Last night I got a voice mail asking to meet him at Shabbat services and talk. He mentioned that I am amazing. Great! What does that mean coming from an accused man? I am so conflicted. The obvious choice  would be to absolutely ignore his requests. But I find it hard to blow off people, treating them like scum and not human beings.  Here in the United States, where people are innocent until proven guilty, where do I stand? Do I treat him as an innocent in the Dating Court and at least respond? Or for the sake of my safety, do I blow him off? I believe the term is “ghosting”?! If he is really found guilty, in real court in 2020, I will be so glad I stayed away. I think for my personal safety and peace of mind, I am going to treat him as guilty. Guilty of not explaining things through BEFORE I discovered all the news items about him. Guilty of making me feel uncomfortable asking totally normal questions about his kids, work, etc…

Okay, I think I know my answer. I just need to leave it alone. The curious blogging woman wants to know what he would say. The forgiving woman is wanting to see how he would say it. But no, I need to start my new path.

I’ll keep you posted. Any comments or suggestions? Please leave them for me? I could definitely use some input. My friends have been great, but its been a bit embarrassing. I am blogging about this experience because it’s important that people know there are some dangerous people out there on the dating apps. It all sounds so cliche, but I am here to tell you, its OUT THERE! Be careful!!

Music I am listening to: Searching for a Devil by In The Valley Below

Colorado: a dating desert

I don’t know how anyone meets an emotionally available, non-drug using, single man in Denver. I have loved this city for decades, but the men? Not so much…. Since men are not a reason to stay or leave a city, I have stayed and loved most of what Colorado has to offer: beautiful mountains, good career, awesome friends and more! Those are the reasons I stay, but honestly, is too much to ask to meet a normal guy? One that doesn’t just want a hook up or lies about their divorce status?  Colorado is essentially a dating desert devoid of truly eligible men. I have heard this from women younger than I am, so I know this is not just me.

I have gone through my non judgmental phase. Sure. I dated a homeless guy (though I didn’t realize it at the time, I confess!) and a guy on public assistance (not that there’s anything wrong with this except I wasn’t allowed at his house because his case manager said its against the rules…this was a drag). How do you avoid guys like this? I did not meet those guys on a dating app. That was before Plenty of Fish, Bumble, Tinder, etc..

Is it so much to ask that the guy have natural teeth, not be accused of killing his wife and/or be free of any deep seeded addiction issues? I am not going to tell you if all these are my personal experiences, but let’s just say, I have the details to back up my experiences.  Scary, I tell you. I thought one of these guys I was starting to date was a nice Jewish guy ( as I happen to be Jewish, this was an interesting detail as there are not loads of single Jewish men in Denver). The guy took me to the synagogue on our first date. On our second date, I went to his house to swim and brought my dogs; how nice it was he invited them. It was great. There could be opinions on going to his house so soon, I am aware!  There were a few off limits topics and I just brushed them off as “maybe he needs to open up later when he knows me more”, but  it was already a red flag in my book that he couldn’t talk about some basic things that you talk about at the beginning of any dating situation; I’ve not come across this shut down before.

It was late at night when some of the topics were shelved and I almost felt like leaving.  I even texted a friend who encouraged me to leave. But I stayed. I had breakfast with him that morning. I left right after breakfast where we talked about my job. He seemed fascinated (because the topic was not him, I imagine). The next day, I shared some details with another friend who did some  digging. Lo and behold- this guy had a past. One too dangerous for me. I have my limits, despite my unlucky dating past.  I just couldn’t be a part of this drama. I texted him as much and never heard from him again, which was the goal as I requested no further contact. Within a minute, he deleted my Bumble profile. I am not sure to this day if he deleted my profile before I texted him but does it matter?

So, I was shocked and floored over the news of this guy’s past (and present, for that matter). I am taking a month or so break from the dating agency I signed up with. They encouraged me to look at other avenues of dating.  I did, and this is where I am. Ugh! So frustrating… but I am going to use this month to just take care of me, my fitness, my diet and healthy lifestyle and my good friends.

If any of you have had a scary dating story or frustrating, drop me a comment. I would LOVE to know I am not alone!!
PS: There is a new guy I met, but I need to do some research first….

MUSIC to listen by: Everything But The Girl’s Walking Wounded

Pilates vs. The Gym

So I am actively working on fitness as a daily practice; even walking the dog counts if it keeps me moving! I was going to work on pilates five times a week, but then I was informed of the end of my promotional period which was expensive enough.  I just could not afford the new $199 a month! So I went back to my gym that I loved last year. I started that membership last week and I am so glad I am back. Once I am done with my Pilates this Saturday, I will start the gym 3-5 days a week. I am going away for work next week, but when I get back it will be all cardio and weights with some of their free classes in there!!  At $79 a month, I can handle that commitment a little easier!

The gym is full service and I think I will continue to enjoy it as much as I enjoyed it before I switched (because of a guy…yes I know) to a gym I didn’t like so much.  Today I did both pilates and the gym and it felt great!!  I will make the most of pilates, but knowing I wont have to pay for it in October makes me feel so much happier!! I have three classes scheduled till the end of month.

PS: I have lost almost 15 pounds so far!  My goal is 40 for the end of this year, so 25 more to go!!

Life gets in the way 1.5

So after hearing that I had a stroke at the hospital, I made a prompt call to the neurologist on Monday.  They were able to get me in the next day and in I went. The PA put me on a high dose cholesterol medication and a daily 81mg aspirin as preventative medicines for stroke control. I proceeded to get headaches daily. I would get them for the next two to three weeks daily, some days worse than others. I had a note to get a special screen cover for my work computer monitors at home. They are still working on that order.  I have missed about three days of work because of headaches that made  it to hard to focus on anything safely, especially at work.

In the next week following the neurologist appointment, my neurologist PA wrote an order for a MRI and angiogram, both with out contrast.  Fine. Then in the next week after that, I got a mammogram results call stating I need to come in as they found a small mass. Of course I had that ultrasound/special mammogram test scheduled for the same day I was going up anyway for the neurology tests.  So, I scheduled myself for a super stressed Tuesday in about a month from then.  It seemed so far away back then.  Time went by, and the headaches started to subside slowly. It took at least a month to be able to blog as screen work was hard. I had to reserve my screen work energy for my job, so the blogging had to take a back seat.  I worked on my Pilates and my eating regimen with Weight Watchers.

Soo the weeks passed and I had great friends who were there for both the mammogram and the brain tests.  It was nice to get through stress with friends. It definitely took my mind off the actual tests and results. It turned out the mammogram just revealed cysts (two) and they were no big deal according to the radiologist. Yay! So I had magazines to keep me company when my first friend left after those results were read.  Then a couple great friends came to meet me for an early dinner.  One of them  actually stayed with me for the tests.  Then  we celebrated the end of Stress Day with a beer down on Broadway.  Life is so much better with friends. I am so blessed. I certainly could have gotten through the day on my own, but having irreplaceable  friends to take my mind off the stress of the anticipated results made the day  that much better.  Days later, I got the results and they basically just confirmed I had a stroke, but couldn’t detail for me when it happened.

Since then, I have been told my cholesterol levels are way down (well, duh!!) and my headaches remain under control for the most part.  As mentioned in my previous post, I never heard from the virtual reality game player again. I never contacted him either.  Maybe things are best left in the past. As for the future, nothing much changed from hearing about the stroke and having the concussion, except I am super aware of how fragile a good health history is when you get older.

Stay tuned for me to get back in the saddle on my fitness/health and relationship posts.  I just  wanted to explain to all of you why I had been so out of touch lately!!

Life gets in the way, 1.0

I had a rough end of the summer. It was not what I expected.  I expected to continue my Pilates and lose weight. That  did happen. Just a lot slower.  Life gets in the way, doesn’t it?

So,  in the very beginning of August, I was hanging out with an acquaintance and he suggested he introduce me to virtual reality.  It was fun…until it wasn’t. I chose two games that were quite tame. I couldn’t believe it. I was immersed in a video game. I was such a novice. I still am and always will be, now. The second game was nearing the close and I was ending the game by handing the robot his game back. The next thing I knew, my head made contact with the tempered glass entertainment center.  I was bleeding in a few places. Not gushing, but definitely some blood. I got up and was instantly nauseated and had a horrible headache. The guy patched me up with some gauze, then said “it’s probably time to go now”. Yeah sure….I wanted to get out of there all right. I was not likely fit to drive. My head was pulsating and my heart was racing. I drove home anyway,  totally forgetting my sunglasses. He bought them to my house a few minutes after I got home. He left just as quickly; that would be the last I would ever see of him.

The next day, I had to work. I made it halfway through my shift and I told a coworker about my horrible headache and blurred vision. She said, given my previous day’s adventure, that I needed to go to an emergency department. So I stopped working (fortunately, I work from home) and Ubered my way to the closest emergency department.

I got to the ED and got triaged then waited in the waiting room for about 1.5 hours. I finally got called back and given my symptoms, they xrayed my wrist (which was not broken) and got a CT ordered.  I waited. And I waited. They said I probably had a concussion. Then just a little later, the PA comes in and says “Did you know you have a history of a stroke?”. “Oh a stroke? Wait. What? A stroke?”…. I was blown away and you can bet I was going to get to the bottom of this. They said it was likely an ‘old’ stroke and they couldn’t determine when it happened.

I finally left the ED that night shocked and overwhelmed. With a little bit of a residual headache. The next two to three weeks would be full of daily headaches as I soon learned. It was dreadful.

The next day I called the neurologist’s office. I had a history of headaches and migraines, so I had a specialist already.

In my next post, I will share what happened next.

I’m not Samantha

I tried. I wanted a light and airy summer and I have had a nice summer. So far. But the light and airy part were the guys are concerned has been a little disappointing. I am thinking there are two reasons for this. First, the online dating thing does not work for innocent and good clean fun.  After you post on your profile you are not looking for anything serious, it is assumed by a great majority of men that you are looking for a hook up. There appears to be no middle ground. No dating, not meet ups or even a cocktail to see if there is some viable chemistry.  I am kind of incredulous that they actually expect to show up at your door and as one Aussie described “just kinda get right into it”. WTF?!  Not only is this horribly disrespectful for all parties involved, it is ludicrous in the safety department. Who actually thinks a woman is going to travel to a hotel room? With out even meeting for a drink or a cocktail (much less a few dates)? These guys think they just need your address for a good time right off the internet, without so much as a date, phone call, or even a text with an updated picture to ensure you’re not inviting someone on a date who is NOT the person you’ve been communicating with for any amount of time? This is craziness. I can ONLY surmise that guys try and succeed with this full throttle mission is because it actually works. If this is the case, as insane as it sounds, I would love to give these women a pep talk in safety online.  I don’t know if they are naive, lonely, or merely stupid?  What is going on today? I have tried, but just recently  realized a whole month  of exploring the light and airy option,  it simply won’t work for me. And that’s the second reason this ‘light and airy’ summer wasn’t going to work. I am just not set up that way.

I’m not Samantha. I can’t just meet guys and sleep with them. I can’t just have meaningless fun relationships (if you can call them that). I didn’t really try hard because I could not take these guys seriously. I tried to have fun with it, but it just seemed (to me) to be lonely and dangerous. I couldn’t partake. Instead, I learned a lesson that I am pretty sure I already knew. I don’t do one night stands and I prefer romance. That’s it. I need a real relationship. Not multiple. Just one real significant relationship that includes communication, respect, autonomy and teamwork all at the same time. I guess I am more of a Carrie and way less Samantha.

So, I joined a dating service that is a major investment, but its a matchmaking service that doesn’t work on algorithms and searches of empty and possibly fake profiles.  I already have a date for Tuesday, so I am pretty excited!

Stay Tuned!!