Lessons learned make a long journey.
Back into the dating scene and completely exhausted. I’ve met a few guys so far. The first two were not viable options; the second of the two was downright obnoxious. He reminded me too much of the live in. This third one is definitely viable, though our relationship is as developed as a zygote.
I think I want to keep it as light as possible this time around compared with my last disaster! For one, the guy is laid back and there’s no pressure. That helps. I won’t lie. There are some other factors that play into the whole situation which makes this guy so appealing. He is 1 hour form me which means he won’t be over all the time. I enjoy his company very much; don’t get me wrong, but I want the summer to enjoy my friends and going out as well. He has his shit together and loves where he lives, so he won’t want to move in anytime soon……or ever. Bonus! He also goes away for travel quite a bit, business and pleasure. Sometimes on the weekend. This gives me time to get stuff done. With all this being said there are a few drawbacks to the whole situation.
There are times that I would have liked to see him, just to spend time getting to know each other in this initial phase. With the time differences in travel, its been awkward. I mean we got off to a good start then with time away and an inability to keep the spark when the spark needs to stay lit is a bit frustrating. I am thinking I can get over this soon, He’ll be home this week and we may see each other for dinner toward the end of the week and spending some much needed quality time on Saturday. I like that the relationship is light for now. I don’t know what he thinks of it; he’s so laid back, I imagine he thinks it is a pretty casual situation. I think this is dating sans the intense togetherness. We have decided to be monogamous after sleeping together (after the FOURTH date), I think. Maybe I need more clarification on the details, but that does not mean serious per se. More like safe. I think I will find out more this weekend. But for the first time in a very long time, I am NOT in a rush. It feels good. I think this is going to shape up to be a very fun summer!
Another thing: He knows I blog, but he does not ask me about it. Ever. Never. I am not sure if this means he doesn’t care or if he lets me be with the privacy to write what I want, uncensored.
So, I guess for me, relationships come to an end. That’s what they do. I honestly thought that this one would last. I thought I could handle the heavy baggage. I really did. And to an extent, I could: the ex, the past, poor judgement. I think it was the present that was too much for me.
So, in the beginning I got to know the past and I absorbed it and moved on. Great. But what I wasn’t focusing on was the present. What started out as him having OCD (in his words) ended up being some very controlling behavior. Controlling every little detail. In the beginning it was simple stuff, switching leashes on the dogs. No big deal. I didn’t like it, but it wasn’t worth a battle or even a discussion. Or was I too intimidated to speak up? I don’t really know. At this point, I may say maybe. Then, it was the eating; that got to be a bigger deal. We brought food into the house in quantities that were enormous and we split the bill because after all, I was eating too. BUT: not quite as much, yet I paid for half. Again, I didn’t say anything. We ate a lot. I ate more than I have really eaten in a really really long time. Like ever? I don’t know about that…I ate lots in my 20’s and 30’s. You get the idea. I didn’t speak up, thus my acceptance of these behaviors were interpreted as approval. This is on me, I realize now.
A few months into our relationship, I was gaining weight. An obvious effect from bigger than life eating. Seemingly a lot of weight. But I justified it as our ‘honeymoon’ period of eating and drinking a lot I was in denial somewhat that this was a problem. Two months, three months in, I started to get bothered by it. He started on behavior that bothered me as well. Was it new behavior? I really don’t know. I am sure to an extent it was always there, but how is it that I recognized it 2-3 months and not right away? It really started to wear on me. The obnoxious boyfriend was more than just obnoxious.
This behavior that started out as his quirky, slightly obnoxious OCD behavior became more controlling. He commented on everything it seemed. What I wore. What I ate. How much I drank when we went out. So I would pay to Uber to happy hours to meet him so I wouldn’t have to drink and drive, but he insisted on driving us home.. And believe me, that wasn’t always safe. I will leave that right here. I chose to let his behavior dictate my judgement. What became the final fall of our relationship was the weekend before I left for London and Paris.
We went out with my friend and her husband. It was 4/20 in Denver. I hope you understand what that means! My boyfriend was very excited and we met our friends downtown. It was a crazy scene, but all was fine. We then went out to dinner. At that point, I kind of wanted a few drinks with dinner, but I was trying to eat healthy. But being that I was out for dinner and was going to start my life style change AFTER London and. Paris, I ordered truffle fries and a cocktail to start. He, in front of my friend and her husband, started to criticize my food choices. Yes, I will say truffle fries are not the hallmark of health food, but I was not trying to be healthy that night. I was having fun. He also commented that he hoped that would be my last drink. Well, folks, it was not. And to balance out the truffle fries, I ordered a salad. Yep, a salad and a cocktail. This caused a lot of frustration for my boyfriend who felt that this was publicly inappropriate food choices and let me know in front of my friends. He was mad that my friend’s husband was trying to help me get my second cocktail. You know, since I should not have had more than one. So that’s it for that night. I never had more than two cocktails, but he was pretty pissed.
The next night we had a huge argument that was born from that last evening and really festered when I chose to eat some deli meat and cheese with no bread. He said that was wrong and I needed to have bread to make a proper meal, even though i didn’t want all the carbs. I really woke up that night. I woke up to all the controlling. My food , my clothes, being told I was overweight and I needed bigger clothes. Were these simple facts the truth? Perhaps, partially. Was it necessary that he control my behavior and criticize my every move through justifying that it happened to be the truth? I think not.
I was done. I woke up from the dream of our ‘happy at first’ relationship and I was just plain done. I could only see things for what they were. I couldn’t put on the rose colored glasses. They didn’t fit anymore. It just didn’t work. I am not the type to be controlled. One thing led to another and I just couldn’t be myself. Turned out it had been a while since I was truly myself. I had to stand up for myself. He knew it was the end. He was on better behavior after that night following the evening out with my friends. It was never the same. It was just too late then.
I left for London and Paris the weekend after. I ended things while I was in Paris. He moved out the day after I came back.
I’m not going to say I am not sad. Because I am…or I was….but I am free.I have my space back, physically and mentally. He was very good to respect my wishes and move out with no drama. I definitely am grateful for that. I would even consider being friends with him. Maybe. But nothing more. I just can not take the feeling of being controlled and criticized. If this is what being friends is like, that probably won’t last long either.
I gave it four months. I needed me back. I needed me back badly. Even within a week of being back on my own, a close friend said to me “I am so glad you are back to your old self!”…..wow! Was it that obvious?
What a possibility!
So, on Sex and the City, Carrie started dating Berger, another author, soon realizing the Ex-Files would have to be opened. Ugh. Like Carrie, I so wish we could start a new relationship with a brand new slate. No background noise, no messy past. Is it really necessary to go there? Really? What good can happen from the discovery phase of old failed relationships?
Okay, I will give it a try. I will try to be open to the fact that heavy awkward baggage can be okay, if we communicate about it. I can’t see how we can dance around with baggage filled with unintended resentment and triggers and expect our partner to read our minds when we become ultra sensitive in a situation. I think we kind of have to discuss the weirdness. And thus, unpack our messy baggage. And here we go: alcoholics, workaholics, fathers, mothers, and mentally unstable people come tumbling out waiting to shock, dismay and discourage us from exploring the further depths that our great new relationship can go, Sometimes I feel like our skeletons are scarier locked in those bulky bags.
Since the beginning of our budding relationship, my boyfriend and I have brought the contents of our baggage to the forefront, into the light We have to bring it up really, because our lives have become what they are because of our past. We can’t put our heads in the sand and pretend our past relationships never existed; they are part of who we are, for better or for worse. I think the passage of our past relationships have made us better, stronger people, but they have also created triggers. In order to understand why we react the way we do to certain situations, we need to share our stories of the alcoholic, the workaholic, the mentally unstable partners of the past. I guess we could start fresh and not talk about them and pretend that we don’t have any triggers or buttons that can be pressed. At my age, I think that’s a little unrealistic . When my guy and I talk, it helps me diminish the power of past loves, because its only in the dark where they seem to unleash their venom, if we were to keep their power (to upset us) secret. We won’t let the past relationships ruin us when they are out in the open.
So, as much as I hate bringing up some of my past, I think it just may be the way to go in an open and honest relationship that is geared for a great and prosperous future, rich in love.
What I am listening to now: Hymnal by In The Valley Below
The nightlife, the first dates, the first kisses…Will he call or more or less likely, text? Do I miss the ability to do what I want when I want? Which could possibly mean eating a bag of licorice deep in cycling through six seasons of Sex and the City? Without judgment? Do I miss douchebags cancelling or just blowing off a date? What do you think?? But the licorice eating and Sex and the City? Well, that’s a trick question.
Honestly, I don’t know how or why I could miss the majority of single life. It was lonely and unrewarding. The last guy I dated before I met my current boyfriend was an absolute douchebag. He was a great actor/player. He only kept two dates with me and one he was two hours late for. So, he just wasn’t that into me. That’s absolutely fine. Then grow a pair and tell me….don’t string me along. Yes, Patton, I am talking about you The guy before him? We just weren’t compatible; he wasn’t a douchebag, but it would have never worked. Belize had been a disaster.
By the end of the Belize vacation, I was resigned to being single for a long time. I just wasn’t going to sell out to anyone who happened to be interested in me or someone I was interested in (but the feeling wasn’t mutual). I was so thankful I had scheduled my 12 day vacation in the spring. It would be a celebration of my independence and singlehood. Then Christmas Day happened. I couldn’t resist the chemistry that happened. We just seemed to belong together.
So today, I am so happy to be where I am. I had mixed feelings about leaving my boyfriend to go Europe, I was anxious about whether our relationship was solid enough to be leaving the country for almost two weeks. Or what he would do when I was gone. That’s my insecurity talking, by the way. I completely trust him and that did take a minute to develop. I have to remember to celebrate my independent nature even if I am ecstatically saying good-bye to the single lifestyle. I need to do me once in a great while; this European vacation has not an iota to do with saying so long to monogamy. That’s a no brainer I am extremely committed to my guy and I have absolutely no desire to even entertain flirting. This is taking some time to celebrate 50 years on this planet. That’s all. I don’t think I need to be single and sacrifice my relationship to do some me time. It just happens to be 12 days out of the country.
So, do I miss being single? Not one bit. Not even a little. I still eat licorice and watch Sex and the City, by the way.
What I’m listening to: Single by Everything But The Girl
So its been a while. A long while; I think its been at least. I got back from Belize on December 18. I have not seen that guy since I returned to Denver. The next week, my life really got a new start.
I was on Plenty of Fish again. With not much luck. As usual…The guys were all the same. Except one. For some reason, I responded to his message. I didn’t respond to most. He seemed nice and not totally inappropriate. It’s kind of a blur now, but I’ll tell you the story as best as I remember! We went from POF messages to texting on the phone pretty quickly. I had Christmas off which I never usually did in the past. I told him I know Christmas may be a weird day to meet, but I am off. He said he may have plans with family that afternoon, but we could do a morning date and see what happens. I was a little bummed because I thought he just wanted an exit plan. But who doesn’t on the first date…I probably wanted one myself. He was pretty cool and never made any inappropriate requests of me. So far so good. So Christmas day at the IHOP! It’s not the place, its the company you’re with, right?!
So Christmas day…its 8:3am and I am in my car. He’s punctual. Score one for the guy! He’s really cute and tall, just like his pictures. Score another point! Things are looking in the right direction. Finally, some hope. I think he gave me a hug, but looking back on Christmas Day, I am not sure I remember everything. We sat down and we just stared at each other. And talked Yes, no shortage of conversation. Going so so well Then, he reached out for my hand. I knew then we were not parting ways anytime soon. We basically decided right then and there that our first date was going to last all day. I could have told you right there that it was the end of first dates for me. I don’t know how I knew that. I have NEVER had that feeling before. I’ve always had hope, sure. But never THAT feeling.
We left IHOP and decided we would spend the first days of many together. That day. Christmas day. What a great day for an anniversary date! I am Jewish, but still a fantastic day to remember that first date. We kind of knew…no….we definitely knew it was just us then. At least that’s how I remember it. We saw our first movie together and many more firsts followed that day. Yeah, you can use your imagination. Ha!
Our first date ended at 5:30pm that day. He never kept his plans with family that day. There was no need for an exit plan for either one of us. We were together. We knew it.. Now to explain that to our friends and family. Well, that would come soon enough.
So, the next week was filled with daily talks or texts and I think we saw each other a few times. I went out with my friend in Denver and we danced and had fun all night. I sent him a text of a selfie from the club and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Then New years came soon enough and we spent the night together with good friends and had a blast. I had the next day off and we spent the whole day together. We went out for Old Chicago and he dropped me off at my home. Now this is when it gets a little crazy…..
We spent a lot of time together in the following weeks. Then toward the end of January, he spent the week with me. He was living with his brother (who was out of town) and we didn’t see the point in having him go home every day to no one. I told him I could watch his dog (who got a long great with mine) when he left for work as I work from home. He said “why not?”. Yeah, this is the crazy part. He never left.
Yeah, I told you. Crazy!! But I wouldn’t want it any other way. And I don’t think he wants it any other way either. In that first month, we knew it was love. That doesn’t mean you move in together. We both totally get that. We knew it was just us in love. We both had long left POF in the first two weeks. He even gave me his password to it to help him delete the account and discontinue his membership. In that first two weeks we even posted that we were in a relationship on FaceBook It’s for real. I have not posted my relationship status since I was married.
What does the future hold? I don’t know, but our future right now is solid and we communicate really well; we have total physical chemistry. We have trust and security. It works for us living together and we have so much in common, considering we have completely different backgrounds. I don’t always get why this happened for us, but I am not second guessing it or trying to over think it I am just accepting that after the last few years, I definitely deserve this amazing man.
ITs almost been three months and things are awesome. I think the only thing that we need to work on is our diet/nutrition and exercise regimen. I have gained a lot of weight during this ‘honeymoon’ period, just eating whatever. I haven’t been working out as much But that’s going to change.
There you have it: my newest huge update. I will be keeping everyone posted with how thing is going Something is bound to happen. I did have a little blip in my security/insecurity radar this week. I will fill you in next time Its resolved already but I will share with you that hurdle in my next post.
Until then!! Have a great week!!