Alyssa

No more treadmill….

I am writing for the first time in quite some time. So much that in this time, I joined a gym, got a personal trainer, again, and got my treadmill recalled. They picked it up and now no more treadmill. I have been going to the gym fairly faithfully to meet up with my trainer and to work out on my own.

I haven’t been motivated to write in a while because while I am working out, I have been struggling with the food piece of fitness and a healthy lifestyle. I am recommitting to fix that starting June 1st; my goal is to stress veggies and protein in each of my meals and to eat every 2-3 hours. I am just being honest, but I do think once I make a firm change in the food component of healthy living, I will see weight loss and feeling better on a daily basis. It’s pretty obvious that is what it takes, so why is it so hard for me?

Treadmill 2.0

So, I haven’t been on my treadmill for months. Four months to be exact. Till about Saturday. I realized after stepping on the scale to see my “biggest number ever” that something was going to have to change. I had knee issues. I used that as an excuse to just stop altogether. Why try when you can just quit?! Well, we know that’s just stupid. But that’s how I regarded my Peloton for months. Now, I had to get it together. I will do anything to never see that number again. Ever.

Because of my knees, I am starting slow. I am going to walk 15 minutes every other day. After one to two weeks, I will work up to 20-25minutes and keep going every two weeks up to 45 minute walks. Then I will add the incline.

My short term goal is to notice some weight loss (my food choices are changing too and that will be another post) in the next month. I hope to keep that going every week. I have gained a lot. My weight loss goal is 45-50 pounds. I will not stoop until I get there. That’s where I was 2-4 years ago when I had lost with another fitness/food plan. I had goals and guidelines in February that I plan to live by.

My long term goal for the Spring of 2021: the Manitou Incline. Readers: I welcome you to take a look at this trail in Colorado. It is not a 14’er, but it is my goal and accomplishing this will make me truly proud.

I’ll keep you all posted!!

Larger than life.

Okay, so I was told, or rather texted that I was the most shallow person ever. That I should be ashamed of myself for how horrible I was for ultimately having to confess I was not attracted to him after meeting him. I thought I could get there (attraction), but I just could not.

Let’s back up a second. I guess I should begin at the beginning. We didn’t talk that long before we met, but our first night of talking was a marathon. Yes, a marathon of 5.5 hours. Jesus. I was attracted to his face. I asked for more pics because well, I needed to get the full picture! He warned me that he had back surgery almost 2 years ago and had gained some weight then got sick, so his weight loss has not really taken off. He sent me some vague pics, but they didn’t seem so bad. So bad is an understatement. I agreed to visit him in the Springs. So we decided on last Tuesday. I was pretty excited, because our conversations have been great and we were looking for the same things; I didn’t see anything that could go wrong, except physical attraction and I was hoping I would not be disappointed.

I got to his house. I knocked on the door. It was kind of downhill from there. He warned me his house was going to be a mess because he had been sick a few weeks ago and had not cleaned his kitchen yet (even though he was sick weeks ago and fine now). And while his kitchen was fairly atrocious with dishes everywhere and crap food sitting on the counter tops (does he even eat healthfully?), the biggest issue was staring back right at me. He was much bigger than he led me to believe. His photos that he sent to me were very vague and hid a lot, as it turned out. My face didn’t lie. Apparently, he could tell right away that I was taken aback by his appearance. I know this is downright horrible, but I feel this is misleading advertising. I feel that while beauty is skin deep (I really do), physical attraction is a huge part to a spark.

I know I need to lose weight too, so this is the part that is so hard. I had full pics on my profile though from the last few months. So we talked about it …the weight. We talked about weight being temporary and how we can both lose weight; I just couldn’t keep the disappointment off my face. I wasn’t convinced, but I was trying to rationalize my long trip down to the Springs and my investment in this very short lived relationship. We came to the conclusion that we would try to lose weight together. So I felt that would satisfy me for a while. I spent the night with him, which was a huge mistake. Huge mistake. It just brought the fact home that I absolutely COULD NOT do this. I didn’t sleep at all that night. I don’t know if it was the strange bed, the strange man, or simply the size of the man sleeping next to me. I couldn’t wait to get out of there in the morning.

The next day, I barely texted; he asked me what was up and I said all was fine, but I was busy working. The truth. And not the truth. Yes, I was on the clock, but that never stopped me from spending time texting with him through out the day. He could tell there was something different. When he asked me what was going on, I was vague. I was kind. I didn’t see the need to be blunt, but in all honesty that was at the recommendation of my good friend. I really just wanted to be done with it. He pressured me and dug for answers. He told me to not give him riddles.. Tell him like it is. So I told him there was no sexual chemistry for me; I was not physically attracted to him. It was then I got the text. The horrifying text that I was indeed shallow. I was awful and should be ashamed of myself. This was the shittiest thing that ever happened to him. I apologized. He said to stop messaging him. So I stopped. But I couldn’t stop thinking how I made him feel. Even though he sent me misleading photos. Even though I invested a lot of time into the beginning of this relationship.

That would be great if that was the end of the story, but its not. It’s not a good story without a little irony thrown in for good measure. So a few days after he told me I was extremely (he used a different word) shallow, I stepped on the scale.

I weighed more than I have ever weighed in my life. Ever.

Music I am listening to: Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette (think Ironic).

Stay tuned: I am now embarking on a new journey toward weight loss and fitness reminiscent of the others I have blogged about, but more permanent.

I am back!!

Hey everyone!!

I have no good excuse for not writing since Covid -19 hit us hard. I really don’t know what happened; you would think Denver’s Shelter In Place period would have been the perfect time to really catch up on writing as there was nothing else to do. Even when things opened up a bit, I should have opened up and started writing again. I am not sure what happened, but I have some ideas. And I want to share them as I start to explore more about myself and what’s keeping me from my ultimate personal success (relationships, fitness, work, etc)….

I deal with anxiety and insomnia on a fairly regular basis. Covid -19 made writing and being physically and mentally healthy much more difficult for me. It became almost impossible for me to find the creative energy to blog and then soon after writer’s block set in. Nothing bad happened to me; I never got really sick, but I did have some preliminary symptoms and got tested (negative).

I have been out and about and continuing to gain some bizarre experiences in the dating world. I have some stories to tell, but I have to play catch up first and bring you all up to date.

First of all, I sold the place I lived in suburbia; that was a sociological experiment gone wrong; I felt so out of place amongst the families and the chit chat that goes with being married with kids. I belong in the city. I moved back into Denver in the summer and I am so happy! Secondly, one of my closest friends is my roommate and we are having fun. I am settled, along with my two pups. I need to start blogging again (this is a good start) and exercising.

Between me and some good friends, I have experienced and heard some dating misadventures and I will be sharing those stories soon with you all. I am also going to restart my journey toward good health and fitness. Physical health also took a huge hiatus when I moved.

So, hang tight people, because I have finally emerged from my hiatus and I have plenty to share.

The Treadmill

Even when I didn’t feel like getting on it today with my sore knees, I made the commitment to walk for 30 minutes. I can walk slower with a lower incline. But I need to just do it. I need to lose 40 pounds by July.

So I got on the treadmill. I chose a less vigorous walk and did not expend as many calories, but I did use it and took it easy on my knees. I will push myself tomorrow as well. It feels good to have something I can easily accomplish. I don’t think I could be as consistent if I didn’t have this access to a treadmill in my basement.

And I trudge on!

The Man free zone: two months in….

So aside from the unsuccessful dates I am agreeing to through the matching making service I paid too much for, my man free zone is clear of the Y chromosome, for the most part. I do have lunch with a male friend from time to time, but in my personal space there is not a single Y chromosome. How am I doing with this?

I am a little lonely. I am so picky …I feel its going to take a miracle to find someone I can tolerate. I don’t want someone perfect; that just doesn’t even exist anyway…and I don’t think he necessarily needs to check all the boxes…but the basics please. I hope by now, at least, he’s learning how to wash his hands after using the bathroom. He has to care about exercise, eating right, and not drink excessively. He just needs to be physically attractive to me and mentally sharp. It’s been nice being free of the drama on the dating sites, but I feel that I have almost been more successful there than this matchmaking service. But I will hold off till the end of March. 90 days is enough, but may be longer, who knows?!

Are my expectations too high? How do I lower them? Should I lower them? After April starts, I will revisit this and contemplate my expectations again.

What I am listening to: Back to Black by Amy Winehouse.

Seeing the world….on my treadmill

So I have had this amazing treadmill for a month now. I have been enjoying it immensely. I have been ‘visiting’ many places all over the world….foreign lands I have never been to in my life. Today, it was Taiwan. The other day, it was Costa Rica and Hawaii (the places in Hawaii I haven’t been to yet). Before that, Sydney, Australia and Germany…..you get the idea. It’s been fabulous. The scenic ‘runs’ come with music that is easy to move to; the music totally motivates me to push myself. So enough about the treadmill. It’s what I do on it that really matters!

So, in the past month I have worked on my speed and incline. I never used the incline feature in the gym unless my trainer made me…never on my own. I bought this expensive treadmill, so I figure I better use it all, every feature! So I have been pushing myself every time I am on the tread. I try to use it 3-5 days a week. I go for the highest speed at highest incline I can (currently 4.0mph and 6.0%) for as long as I can. Then I settle down to 3.5 mph at 6% for the majority of my walk. Then when I have about 2 minutes left of my work out, I slow down and relax at 2.0 mph and 2.5%. It’s invigorating and it feels good. The trick is that I want to push myself with out hurting myself. When I feel a burn in my shins due to speed, I will slow it down and increase the incline.

This has been a great purchase. I have been able to use my treadmill during some of our really snowy weather. While I usually workout for 30 minutes, I will do 15-20 minute walks just to get on the treadmill rather than not at all just because I don’t have the full 30 minutes. I just do it. It feels amazing. Tomorrow, I am pushing for 45 minutes! Who knows where I will travel to!

A new treadmill, a new journey…

So, here I am, rededicating my life (once again) to a healthier lifestyle. I made a list of goals in this area of my life. I hope I can meet or maintain them by July 1, 2020. I bought a beautiful treadmill after 2 months of contemplation. Is it worth it? Will I use it? Do I need it? I decided I am worth it. I will use it at least 5/7 days a week. Do I need it? I am not sure , but I think if having my own tread will help me use it 5/7 days per week, I do need it for my wellbeing. Because I am worth it.

I discontinued my gym membership right after I had the tread. In the first week of owning my treadmill, I used it 5 days the first week. I need to push myself. I am working on 30 minutes for each workout at least 3 days a week and the other two days, i will do 15min. I want to extend this in the next months to 45 and 30 respectively. Ive been getting a burning sensation in my shins and wondering if stretching will help this? If I can’t increase my speed, I will work on my incline, then eventually both speed and incline. I didn’t really use anything else at the gym, so I feel justified in just focusing on the tread at home. This one comes with yoga, stretch meditation, boot camps and other classes. I intend to make the most of it Of course its an additional membership, but so far it’s been worth it. My biggest goal on the treadmill is to PUSH MYSELF. I don’t run, so I am going to intensify my walk with increased speed, incline, and frequency of extended work outs.

As far as eating, the holiday season was insane. Too much crap: candy, carbs and chips, among other things. I want to get back to my breakfast shakes, carrots and celery for snacks, and proteins and veggies for meals. I am going to eat less when I go out and no desserts. It’s the little things…and big things that will make a difference. So my goals really combine fitness and health;

1. Lose 30 pounds by July 1,2020.

2. Continue 5/7 days per week using treadmill: at least 3 days maximum workout I am capable of.

3. No desserts or candy (these are not needed at all for any diet and thus, I will make an absolute rule as far as these items).

4. Blog weekly about my progress

5. Limit alcoholic beverages to 3/week maximum.

Do or not do. There is no try- Yoda

Wish me luck. With respect to my previous post about not dating for 90 days, I will have a lot more time to devote to these goals.

Stay tuned! Drop me a line if you have any advice!!

Man-free zone: 90 day trial period

So its been a while. I am so sorry, but the holiday season was crazy busy and I should have written more…..but, I didn’t and I apologize. Here’s the deal: Something very bizarre occurred on New Year’s Eve. This has never happened to me before, so I am going to share it. It’s a new one, even for me!

So New Year’s Eve. I headed out with one of my close friends and my date. He’s someone I went out with twice last year and totally flaked on me then. I thought we had great chemistry, so when we reconnected on Bumble, I thought I would take a chance and see what happens. In the week before we met, he was back east for Christmas. We texted; he even called once, which surprised me. Signals were strong for a good reunion. He said he was ready to date. He said that he’d really like to see me again So, here we go.

We met up at my house and headed out for dinner and met up with a mutual friend. From there we headed out to a bar with a huge New Years Eve party. The mutual friend got us a table (table service was pricey, yes!!) and we all sat there and hung out for about an hour. We took selfies. We drank. We were having fun. I thought. I was holding my date’s cell phone in my purse at his request. Then he asked to take a selfie off us. Then he just took back his phone. Moments later, he gave me a kiss and said he’d be right back. Just going to the restroom he had said. I should have seen it coming (with the taking back of the phone), but I didn’t. He had kissed me and gone out for a smoke 30 min before that, so I really didn’t think anything of it

Twenty minutes later, I started to wonder what’s going on. I texted him to see what was going on. Then I told my friend I hadn’t seen him and that’s when we checked (for some reason) the parking lot. His truck was gone. He left. He fucking left. I was shocked ,I was upset. I was livid. I started texting him and asked how he could do that to me after everything he had recently said. The texts came back as text messages instead of IMessages that go between two iPhones. He either turned off his phone or more likely, just blocked me. Then I checked my Bumble account (he was a match up to that night-I had looked at his profile before he came over). He deleted my profile. You can tell those things on Bumble. I kept wondering why he just left with no warning, no reason. He could have said “Hey, I’m going to just bail. I am not into this.” Something. But no. Instead, I got nothing. I ended up having a decent night, fueled by vodka cranberries and good friends.

It was that week that I decided that I need to take a break from dating.I have a membership to a matchmaking service I paid way too much for, so I will go on dates from that group. I’m already way invested. For everything else though? I deleted my profile off three different apps and deleted those apps off my iPhone. I know I need to spend that time differently, at least for the next 90 days. Then I will see where I am.

In these 90 days, I want to work on blogging more frequently, working out, getting back to a healthy lifestyle: eating less and more healthfully and less alcohol. I don’t drink a lot of alcohol, but I would like to cut back the amount and frequency even so. Because I won’t be likely to have any relationship posts (unless matchmaking date takes my breath away), I am going to focus more on my lifestyle and fitness posts.

Please join me on my journey and drop a comment if you would, if you have any advice or an anecdote to add.

What I’m listening to: Amy Winehouse-Back to Black.

Stay tuned!

Colorado: a dating desert 2.5

And here we are again! I met a very nice guy on OKCupid almost a month ago. We went out maybe three or four times. In my old ways, I probably would have realized I was not interested immediately. I just was not physically attracted to him. He was so nice though and we got along well and he was fun to be with. So why not? I will give it a chance. It almost seemed reminiscent of last year when I went to Belize with a guy that I realized was also a nonviable relationship. We had gone too fast too soon and booked a vacation a month in. Anyway, I continued to make some new dates with this new guy; when I left to see family over Thanksgiving, my plans to watch my dogs fell through 2 days before I was supposed to leave. The new guy stepped up. I had no choice, but I did kinda trust him. I was pretty much forced to trust him. He took great care of my pups; he even picked me up from the airport with dogs and a dozen pink roses (they are my favorite and he knew it). When he came back to the house we made dinner and one of my close friends came over for dinner. She liked him. Which is always nice when the people you trust like the new guy. What was my problem? That night we went to bed and talked. Nothing happened because I couldn’t put up with more than a single kiss, more like a peck if I am being honest.

So we reconvened Saturday night. He was very excited; he wanted to meet my friends who ended up having to take a rain check. I Ubered up there to the jazz bar close by, He met me and I knew it was going to be quite a night. I started drinking fairly immediately; maybe I’d loosen up and feel some chemistry. Earlier in the week when he texted me “Are you excited for me to meet your friends?”, I realized I wasn’t at that moment. And that’s when the doubts really set in. So here I am Saturday night, drinking. A lot. We are having fun, but I feel no connection. No desire for touch or flirting. I ask again: what is my problem? He is a perfect gentleman. He wasn’t trying anything, yet he paid the whole bill. He kept saying how good I looked and how he liked me. I was starting to feel uneasy. I couldn’t return the compliments. I am concrete and very honest; I couldn’t just “be polite”. Even when drunk. We had fun, but I felt like i was having lots of drinks with a fun friend. Not a prospective boyfriend. We Ubered back to my place. Again, NOTHING happened and I fell asleep. The next morning……was an awkward disaster.

I woke up after 5 hours of sleep and he asked “Are you attracted to me?”. Whoa!! I have to be brutally honest as I just had my eyes opened for like a minute. Okay , maybe ten. So I asked him if he really wanted me to answer that. He rolled over away from me and turned over a few minutes later and said “Yes”. So I was my barely awake, but concretely and very honestly gave him my 8 AM response. “ I don’t think so”. Okay so 98% honest. If I am being honest, I didn’t have to “think” about it; the answer was no. That morning was awkward and quiet. He challenged me and asked why I didn’t end things at the first date (like I probably should have) and I told him I wanted to give it a chance and see if there was chemistry. I just told him it never happened for me. He had invited me for an expense paid trip over Valentine’s Day to the hot springs with my dogs. When I told him I thought we were taking it slowly and I can’t commit to that, I thought he would have caught on that. I should have ended it there as well. But for some reason, I thought I would give it one last in person date to see. I did. I drank. It is definitely over.

We ended up still going to breakfast that morning. He wants to be friends and still work out with me and make chili for me, etc….I wouldn’t mind being friends with him, but I think he’s going to be hurt when I start dating and find it inappropriate to do things with someone I used to date. I told him that. He didn’t quite understand. I dropped him off at his car at the bar (from last night). I told him to take a day to think about things, but I did not think it would be the best idea to work out Tuesday. I think he needs time to see if he still wants to be friends.

And I trudge forward in the dating desert that is Colorado.

Stay tuned!!