Getting honest…

Sooo, I have turned a corner in my life. I am ready to blog about my former marriage and divorce and  its hard. Oh so hard to even think about.  I have procrastinated too long; and by too long, I simply mean since October. This is going to unfold slowly.  I want to share the experience of my marriage and divorce and what happened to land me back in the world of dating and single life.

Bear with me. I will work on posting about this relationship, not only the marriage and divorce and life post-divorce, but also the courtship in the beginning.  I will  still post about fitness, current relationships, etc in between. When you’re reading my posts, I invite you to comment or email me about what I have written. I won’t fall apart or get upset.. I got divorced in 2011; things are much better for me now.. I just want to be as raw and honest and in the moment as I possibly can to express the palpable fear and stress I lived with almost daily.  There was no physical abuse. The fear comes from emotional mistreatment and my ex-husband’s anger issues.  And I will be explicit in my story of getting through it all. And how that happened. I’ll give you a hint: family and friends. But I am getting way ahead of myself.  These posts will reveal personal information about those other than me, but I will be keeping their identity completely anonymous as I have on this blog thus far. My hope is that my story will not only help people realize they are not alone, but the telling of my experience will be liberating as well.

Also, please please please: If you have any advice on how to get this on a blog or how I should proceed, by all means, drop me a line  by email or comment below.

On that note, I will let all my readers know that I am going back east to visit family this weekend and won’t return till Wednesday; I haven’t decided if i am bringing my iPad, so you may hear from me.

Have a fantastic week and I will definitely be back next week!!

When the skies aren’t so blue…

So, it’s been a while since my last post. Everything has been blue skies and no clouds for a while….this too shall past. Time for a storm to come in. Everything was going so smoothly. Then I started feeling conflict. I felt the first twinges about a week or two ago, during some political discussions. We had a little misunderstanding about politics and out values/opinions. During a period of time that I have been really evaluating my values and core beliefs, this was a critical issue. I think, if I remember right, this came about last week, still in the midst of the  decision regarding Kavanaugh’s fate. And THAT hearing was particularly sensitive for me. Then I found out the guy  was more or less aligned with my values. He makes no political Facebook posts, denouncing one party or another, which is something I respect also. But enough about politics. There was something else.

We live 1-2 hours apart (depending on when you’re traveling and in which direction).  And when we live in our respective towns, we have completely contrasting lifestyles. He took me on a small walk along the river. It was absolutely beautiful; there is no denying that. He took his fishing rod and we started out.  When he swung his rod ,the bait got stuck in my hair. I thought it was an overly aggressive massive bug and  I started messing with my hair; it was stuck. It was a bug, but not a real one….just the bait of a fly fisherman, the guy!  I could definitely laugh about it then, but it gave me pause. Could this life or anything like it be remotely interesting to me? Then we went near the river and I didnt want to go too close with my sneakers…and he suggested next time I get some river shoes. Excuse me? River shoes? Have we met? I am NOT a river shoes kinda gal. No Teva’s for me, or any thing like that!! Not I! I am more of a Tiffany & CO kinda woman.  Now I am all for hikes and dry mountainous adventures. Just no bugs or brush please!  It was then that I realized I do not fit in here. I totally respect that this life style is perfect for him. It’s just not for me.  I may be messing up the time line regarding the river shoes incident and the political/values misunderstanding, but everything started causing me self-doubt about this relationship. I mean, where can this really go?

So, I started to shut down, really not wanting anything with this. I started to come up with the realization that this relationship is completely NOT viable. How can I waste time traveling to and fro a place where I don’t fit in and I am not sure I even want to? I am 49 years old. I can’t just spend time in a relationship that has no future; he has a 3-5 year plan in his town, career wise; and plus, he loves it there. I totally and utterly respect that. I just have no desire to live there, if it should ever come to that. And he really has no plans to leave and come my way. We are at a stalemate-there is no future.

Then I basically ended it on this premise of no future and said we should just be friends and  still go back East in November together and a trip we booked for December as friends. This was a very hard conversation, one of the hardest I have had since my divorce.  I thought I would be relieved and have a load off my mind. Then this budding relationship with no future would be behind me; on to the next, per usual routine.

Damn, was I wrong. So wrong. This was the most painful thing ever and all I could do was cry every day and I was sad. Like really crushed. And I was doing the crushing, flipping the script on this guy when I had previously been so into the relationship. How in the world could this be happening? I talked to friends and a therapist. After crying and  feeling horrible and a LOT of self-reflection, I realized a few key things.

I am scared. I have never had a relationship go so right from the get go. Go right and hold off on physical intimacy and be successful.  While I am not sabotaging this because I feel I don’t deserve this and ending it because I am not worthy ( I know I am), this relationship flow is completely out of my comfort zone. Out of bounds. Not in the ball park of any relationship in the last 25 years. Even and especially my former marriage. So  maybe I didn’t realize I was so much in fear of something like this happening. I like being in control of a situation and I definitely am not experienced with a non-physical successful relationship. So I shut down. Ruling out any and all the possibilities based on distance and life style,  convincing myself I was just being true to myself. Which maybe I am/was, but how can things be right with this if I am crying and hysterically sad daily.  I loved when we talked the first thing in the morning and last thing at night. When I could tell him everything and he actually is interested and engaged in my day.

So we talked. A lot. We will see if this can be worked through. I have hope. I like him an awful lot; and I kinda think he likes me also.

 

I’m listening to : Stars all seem to weep by Beth Orton

Skies are blue, not a cloud in sight…

So I have always wondered if this is a thing in relationships. Not forever, obviously, but at least for mere moments at a time. I have asked myself if things can just be normal and smooth sailing, no sudden wind changes, no sudden black clouds out of no where for some solid period of space and time. I honestly saw it in other people’s lives with their significant others. I just didn’t think it would be possible for me.

But yet, it is! It’s all possible. I shared  a few weeks ago in  this  post:There’s a nice guy out there, right? that there may be a real guy out there who is respectful, honest, funny, nice and not afraid to commit. And still not the pressuring type.  Not only did he commit to hanging out with  just me, but to a vacation in December. Yeah, I know! Three whole months away!! I am so excited. Now, between now and then there may be a gray sky now and then, but with a month of no gray skies, I am hopeful the trend will continue, for at least a while.  By this, I don’t mean that every day is perfect in itself. But shared with him, I don’t have the anxiety the comes from distrust or bad instincts. I don’t have the frustration from expectations placed too high. Things have been good with equal give and take on both sides.  And what I shared in my first post about this guy still stands. All of it!

And if it’s possible for me, it’s possible for you too!!

 

There’s a nice guy out there, right?

Is there someone who doesn’t expect sex on the first date or even the third? How about the guy who doesn’t even ask when he’s going to get it?

Someone that doesn’t care at all if you wear glasses in the morning?

Or the guy who  possesses a sense of boundaries, for your weak or even his own?

And he’s super nice and considerate. Because he lets you be you?

What if I told you I met someone like this?

And he’s not my type. Because my type lately has been sleazy douchebag.

I have a new type…because good guys should finish first.

Stay tuned! This is a work in progress.

 

Blame it on the rain (a.k.a. A short texting relationship)

I met this guy on a dating website, POF, if you must know.  It’s been a while. Over the course of a year or three, we had exchanged messages and occasionally a cell text or two; it never amounted to much, mostly because he admitted he was not really interested in a Long Term Relationship. Fine. I respect his honesty at that time and nothing went forward although he tried to make plans. I’d then remind him he’s not looking for the same things I am.

Advance to last week. He now texts me (because we have advanced to cell phone texting exclusively) that he is definitely looking for a LTR. Great. We’re in business. He asks to make a date. Perfect. Then the true colors come out. Once again. “Do you have any sexy pics you can send me?”…Umm, NO?!  “I have to warn you a lot of women can’t handle my sex drive.” And why are you telling me this after you say you’re seeking something more meaningful and haven’t even met me? That’s in my head of course. I don’t say anything. Mostly because there is no point. I already know where this is going. I am going to try to NOT assume my suspicions are right. Not right away.

Wait for it. Wait.for.it. It’s coming:  Then it comes “I’ll bring an over night bag…you know, in case it goes well,” he texts. He texts in a kind of kidding way. Kind of. So I play along and say “Ha, no overnight bags at my  place!” in an equally kidding text. Kind of. I was clear though, that an overnight would not be happening after this first meeting. He acts like this is no biggie….Until the rain comes. “The rain is crazy here. I don’t think I will be able to make it”.  Really? Blame it on the rain?

I tell him this is no surprise; I knew he wasn’t ready for something real. Real relationships typically (not always, but typically) start with a meaningful foundation and good conversation.  Of special note, he has been peppering the conversation to references of us being adults and we can do what we want. What “we” want? And what’s your point? Do adults just going around sleeping with strangers? Why, of course they do, I am sure…somewhere.

I’ve been there. Yep, I have. But the word ‘been’ refers to past tense. Now, it seems there is more that I am looking for and sleeping with someone doesn’t seem to be helping me get there. So I don’t. It’s that simple. No judgement.  Just me trying something different to get to the LTR.  In a Sex and The City episode, Carrie Bradshaw questions “Delayed gratification is a sign of maturity, no?”….and I think she’s on to something.  You know for the rest of us adults out there…

So, I called him out on his half-assed desire for a LTR and how I am not planning on developing a relationship with sex as the foundation. I texted him that I wanted a far more substantial basis for our relationship. He said I was freaking him out and begged me  to  “just stop!”

I am done. Another guy who wants sex up front claiming they want a LTR. Really, he does. But sex first, because after all, “we” are consenting adults. Assuming I am consenting to a hook up and all.   He’s definitely not the first, but his agenda has been by far the most blatant.

So, I went to bed.

The next morning, he sends a brief friendly text. I sent back a polite one word answer “Thanks”.

And that’s the end to this chapter of dating on POF.

 

Listening to Amy Winehouse’s Back To Black.

To Settle or Not To Settle?

Is settling as bad as it sounds? Does it mean we are compromising our ideals and expectations? To me, that’s how it sounds. It sounds nothing like ‘settling down’. Which seems to mean more of a ‘putting down roots’ type of thing. Maybe?  I feel like no one wants to settle, but I think people are doing it  all the time in the name of instant gratification;  it cures loneliness and an insatiable need for companionship. Does that mean that independent people who don’t have that need will never settle because they really don’t need that  constant companionship?

I just don’t know right now. I am fairly independent, complete with a newly purchased townhouse (on my own, no roommates, unless you count my puggle Max), vacations done solo,  and dinners and movies with no requisite date. These things really don’t bother me. Most of the time. There are times (mostly the weekends) where I long for some companionship.  And in those periods of time, I find myself bored and looking in places that have never provided much promise, like dating online. So there I am, settling. Is setting that bad? All of the time? Or is it just looked down upon if you are settling for long term solutions?  So this brings a new question…Short term v. long term settling? Is either “worse”? Do you find yourself doing this? What is that?

Am I guilty of short term settling? It’s highly likely. Which sets me up for losing opportunities for a more worthy partner in the long term…. if I am not looking at the big picture and parlaying my patience in the short term for more rewarding relationships in the long term. Is it because as I get older, I assume the dating pool is more like a wee little pond and there are not, in fact, plenty of fish? Thus, being in a hurry and bored is an unfortunate cocktail for not so satisfying relationships.  I get the idea patience will get me through boredom. Then I won’t have to settle in the long term, much less the short term. Boredom is a bitch!  More time to blog, less time for boredom!!

 

Drop a comment and let me know: Is settling the worst thing ever? Is there a difference between short term and long term settling?

 

Listening to Depeche Mode’s Some Great Reward…specifically Somebody… Depeche Mode can be a little depressing sometimes, but sometimes the perfect sentiment.

 

 

Kiss that frog

So, I’ve kissed a lot of frogs. Some toads, some poisonous frogs, and even some cleverly disguised toads appearing to be cute appealing frogs. But no Prince Charming in sight. And now I am wondering if that is my fault. If I am in more control of that than I once thought.  Is it my expectations or anxieties that direct my successes and failures? I am beginning to think that could be true.

I have little bits of anxieties, likely triggered by insecurities. I think we all have them, but I think that sooner I take control of them, the more successful I will be at not self-sabotaging worthwhile opportunities for viable relationships. I don’t know if control is the right word, but perhaps anxiety management. The anxiety I have seems to only manifest where relationships are concerned. I don’t seem to have as much anxiety in other areas of my life. I’m working to figure that one out, but for now, I want to manage the relationship anxiety. One way I KNOW it manifests is with my insecurities and I end up texting too much, talking too much about shit that shouldn’t be brought up in the name of “honesty”. And then oh crap, there goes a perfectly good relationship! Damn! The insecurities are either obvious or not so obvious. I think many of us struggle with the whole “Am I lovable?”, “Am I worth waiting for?”, “Am I funny enough? Interesting enough? Funny enough?”……And it goes on and on. We can either give up or remain hopeful that perhaps we are all of these things if we just believe in ourselves a little bit m more. Way easier said than done, I know. Of all people, I certainly get this. So what do we do to control or manage this anxiety? I think we just have to get a handle on these insecurities. Personally, I am having a fortunate period of NO drama in my life. Not much going on in the way of crisis. So if you don’t mind, I will probably keep you updated on my self-discovery of these insecurities cropping up in the relationship area of my life. If I can possibly identify them, thereby reducing my anxieties or better managing them, perhaps it could help someone else. AND that is why I need to write more.

Then, of course, there are the expectations. How do I manage expectations? And do I need to rearrange or lessen my expectations? This is such a hard question. I mean if I don’t think I am asking much, but maybe I am.

Let’s see:

  • Intelligent
  • Gainfully employed
  • Funny
  • Taller than I am if possible (not a hard rule, but must be my height)
  • Kind to people and animals
  • and lastly, physically attractive to me

That’s it! Ha!

When people tell me to manage my expectations, I hear: “Settle Alyssa, you’re not going to find all that in one guy. Your dating pool is too small to expect much more”. I can’t help it. So what do I do? Settle in the looks department, in the intelligence department?  Or I don’t settle, but I relax in the intensity department. I am a bit intense. I know it’s scared a few people off. But is the intensity caused by insecurity? Is it a form of anxiety? I think it could be. I am working on that as well. I think the management of  expectations is a tough nut to crack. I need to work on this and I think it may take some time.

If anyone has experience in the management of anxiety/insecurities or expectations, please, please, please drop a comment! I think we could all learn a thing or two.  In the meantime, I will update my blog with progress on the anxiety and expectations arena.

This is my first post in a while, but I have re-established my passion for writing/blogging and you’ll hear much more from me!

 

LISTENING TO: Peter Gabriel’s Kiss that Frog. Of course!