Deep in the world of dating

Sorry, its been a while. If you remember, I was unclear in my intentions with the last guy I dated. I realized and questioned whether our lifestyles were viable, not to mention the distance between us. Physical distance, I mean. Turns out, it just wasn’t going to work for me. It’s going to be even more awkward when we go to Belize together. In honor of myself and dating, I felt it only appropriate to get my own room.  When you’re  dating, you  can’t expect these new guys to understand that you are sharing a room with someone you have no interest in dating or otherwise. Can you? I didn’t think so. Not appropriate. At all. The guy was saying “the guy you’re dating should understand you’re just friends with me.”. NIce try, but no go.  So I got my own room and it was expensive, but a peace of mind is priceless. Am I right?

So yes, while the Belize  guy just assumes I am dating, I have officially started wading in the dating pool once again. Deeply wading. Online. The scammers are still there; in fact, I talked to one the other day. They are so easy to spot, then you can call them out on it. I have told two so far they are absolute frauds. However, I have been out with two people and like one in particular. I have a second date this Saturday, so we shall see; My boundary that I  am firm on is monogamy .I have even told this new guy that I am fine if he is not ready for the move toward monogamy ,but he knows there will be no sex till then. It’s just my thing. I feel like if I value myself, i am going to not only tell them my boundary, but at least as importantly, I am going to stick to it! This guy is hard to read, but he seems interesting and interested. He could be really genuine and honest about not being ready,. And/or he could be a total player and wants to not give that up till the last minute.  I don’t know. But if I take it slow (what a concept!), these things will figure themselves out. I’ll find out more Saturday evening while we cook some dinner and drink some Cabernet.  This is the deal; I know what I want. I am going to be patient and wait for him to figure it out for himself. I have time.  He told me the other day “You’re sexy as fuck and you’re really pretty”. Are these two mutually exclusive qualities?  Is this a compliment or what?! I think it is, but I will wait that out also. And last night he even admitted  that he’s glad we waited on our first date. Since it was .our first date after all. I told him it can wait and I am worth it. Because I am.

 

 

When the skies aren’t so blue…

So, it’s been a while since my last post. Everything has been blue skies and no clouds for a while….this too shall past. Time for a storm to come in. Everything was going so smoothly. Then I started feeling conflict. I felt the first twinges about a week or two ago, during some political discussions. We had a little misunderstanding about politics and out values/opinions. During a period of time that I have been really evaluating my values and core beliefs, this was a critical issue. I think, if I remember right, this came about last week, still in the midst of the  decision regarding Kavanaugh’s fate. And THAT hearing was particularly sensitive for me. Then I found out the guy  was more or less aligned with my values. He makes no political Facebook posts, denouncing one party or another, which is something I respect also. But enough about politics. There was something else.

We live 1-2 hours apart (depending on when you’re traveling and in which direction).  And when we live in our respective towns, we have completely contrasting lifestyles. He took me on a small walk along the river. It was absolutely beautiful; there is no denying that. He took his fishing rod and we started out.  When he swung his rod ,the bait got stuck in my hair. I thought it was an overly aggressive massive bug and  I started messing with my hair; it was stuck. It was a bug, but not a real one….just the bait of a fly fisherman, the guy!  I could definitely laugh about it then, but it gave me pause. Could this life or anything like it be remotely interesting to me? Then we went near the river and I didnt want to go too close with my sneakers…and he suggested next time I get some river shoes. Excuse me? River shoes? Have we met? I am NOT a river shoes kinda gal. No Teva’s for me, or any thing like that!! Not I! I am more of a Tiffany & CO kinda woman.  Now I am all for hikes and dry mountainous adventures. Just no bugs or brush please!  It was then that I realized I do not fit in here. I totally respect that this life style is perfect for him. It’s just not for me.  I may be messing up the time line regarding the river shoes incident and the political/values misunderstanding, but everything started causing me self-doubt about this relationship. I mean, where can this really go?

So, I started to shut down, really not wanting anything with this. I started to come up with the realization that this relationship is completely NOT viable. How can I waste time traveling to and fro a place where I don’t fit in and I am not sure I even want to? I am 49 years old. I can’t just spend time in a relationship that has no future; he has a 3-5 year plan in his town, career wise; and plus, he loves it there. I totally and utterly respect that. I just have no desire to live there, if it should ever come to that. And he really has no plans to leave and come my way. We are at a stalemate-there is no future.

Then I basically ended it on this premise of no future and said we should just be friends and  still go back East in November together and a trip we booked for December as friends. This was a very hard conversation, one of the hardest I have had since my divorce.  I thought I would be relieved and have a load off my mind. Then this budding relationship with no future would be behind me; on to the next, per usual routine.

Damn, was I wrong. So wrong. This was the most painful thing ever and all I could do was cry every day and I was sad. Like really crushed. And I was doing the crushing, flipping the script on this guy when I had previously been so into the relationship. How in the world could this be happening? I talked to friends and a therapist. After crying and  feeling horrible and a LOT of self-reflection, I realized a few key things.

I am scared. I have never had a relationship go so right from the get go. Go right and hold off on physical intimacy and be successful.  While I am not sabotaging this because I feel I don’t deserve this and ending it because I am not worthy ( I know I am), this relationship flow is completely out of my comfort zone. Out of bounds. Not in the ball park of any relationship in the last 25 years. Even and especially my former marriage. So  maybe I didn’t realize I was so much in fear of something like this happening. I like being in control of a situation and I definitely am not experienced with a non-physical successful relationship. So I shut down. Ruling out any and all the possibilities based on distance and life style,  convincing myself I was just being true to myself. Which maybe I am/was, but how can things be right with this if I am crying and hysterically sad daily.  I loved when we talked the first thing in the morning and last thing at night. When I could tell him everything and he actually is interested and engaged in my day.

So we talked. A lot. We will see if this can be worked through. I have hope. I like him an awful lot; and I kinda think he likes me also.

 

I’m listening to : Stars all seem to weep by Beth Orton

Skies are blue, not a cloud in sight…

So I have always wondered if this is a thing in relationships. Not forever, obviously, but at least for mere moments at a time. I have asked myself if things can just be normal and smooth sailing, no sudden wind changes, no sudden black clouds out of no where for some solid period of space and time. I honestly saw it in other people’s lives with their significant others. I just didn’t think it would be possible for me.

But yet, it is! It’s all possible. I shared  a few weeks ago in  this  post:There’s a nice guy out there, right? that there may be a real guy out there who is respectful, honest, funny, nice and not afraid to commit. And still not the pressuring type.  Not only did he commit to hanging out with  just me, but to a vacation in December. Yeah, I know! Three whole months away!! I am so excited. Now, between now and then there may be a gray sky now and then, but with a month of no gray skies, I am hopeful the trend will continue, for at least a while.  By this, I don’t mean that every day is perfect in itself. But shared with him, I don’t have the anxiety the comes from distrust or bad instincts. I don’t have the frustration from expectations placed too high. Things have been good with equal give and take on both sides.  And what I shared in my first post about this guy still stands. All of it!

And if it’s possible for me, it’s possible for you too!!

 

There’s a nice guy out there, right?

Is there someone who doesn’t expect sex on the first date or even the third? How about the guy who doesn’t even ask when he’s going to get it?

Someone that doesn’t care at all if you wear glasses in the morning?

Or the guy who  possesses a sense of boundaries, for your weak or even his own?

And he’s super nice and considerate. Because he lets you be you?

What if I told you I met someone like this?

And he’s not my type. Because my type lately has been sleazy douchebag.

I have a new type…because good guys should finish first.

Stay tuned! This is a work in progress.

 

To Settle or Not To Settle?

Is settling as bad as it sounds? Does it mean we are compromising our ideals and expectations? To me, that’s how it sounds. It sounds nothing like ‘settling down’. Which seems to mean more of a ‘putting down roots’ type of thing. Maybe?  I feel like no one wants to settle, but I think people are doing it  all the time in the name of instant gratification;  it cures loneliness and an insatiable need for companionship. Does that mean that independent people who don’t have that need will never settle because they really don’t need that  constant companionship?

I just don’t know right now. I am fairly independent, complete with a newly purchased townhouse (on my own, no roommates, unless you count my puggle Max), vacations done solo,  and dinners and movies with no requisite date. These things really don’t bother me. Most of the time. There are times (mostly the weekends) where I long for some companionship.  And in those periods of time, I find myself bored and looking in places that have never provided much promise, like dating online. So there I am, settling. Is setting that bad? All of the time? Or is it just looked down upon if you are settling for long term solutions?  So this brings a new question…Short term v. long term settling? Is either “worse”? Do you find yourself doing this? What is that?

Am I guilty of short term settling? It’s highly likely. Which sets me up for losing opportunities for a more worthy partner in the long term…. if I am not looking at the big picture and parlaying my patience in the short term for more rewarding relationships in the long term. Is it because as I get older, I assume the dating pool is more like a wee little pond and there are not, in fact, plenty of fish? Thus, being in a hurry and bored is an unfortunate cocktail for not so satisfying relationships.  I get the idea patience will get me through boredom. Then I won’t have to settle in the long term, much less the short term. Boredom is a bitch!  More time to blog, less time for boredom!!

 

Drop a comment and let me know: Is settling the worst thing ever? Is there a difference between short term and long term settling?

 

Listening to Depeche Mode’s Some Great Reward…specifically Somebody… Depeche Mode can be a little depressing sometimes, but sometimes the perfect sentiment.

 

 

“They take this seriously”?

So I am sitting here incredulous. At the point of investing cash into this matchmaking/dating organization, the company insisted that the men take their search for a meaningful relationship seriously. It seemed logical, as they were putting down some serious cash, as was I. The first week I checked my options and selected a few members; of all the selected members, I got one rejection. Which is totally fine. I am not for everyone. That’s cool. However, I got not so much as a nod or a rejection from the other 8 or so. They were “active” on the site. What’s happening? So I talked to the member advisors at the site who informed me that possibly they were pursuing other relationships, but were not serious with them ,and thus still active. Hmm? So, over the next week or two, I selected another 8-9 in my wee little dating pool (45-55yo). Yes, it is old and I feel old just checking that box.  Again one or two rejections and absolutely nothing from the majority of them. I inquire again and they say, “It’s only a month in. Give it time! It only takes one!! Remember that!”. What??? It only takes one?? No,  I want to say. It does not take just one. It takes many frogs to find a prince. Many, many frogs. Usually toads. At best, frogs.

So then, one afternoon, one of the member advisors calls me asking if I would like to go to a speed dating event up in Denver, free of charge. I said “Why not?”. So I went the next evening; four or five women showed up. Four men showed up. One man and one woman matched upon before the event even began and took off. That left well, almost no one. I was sitting with this guy who seemed nice enough and was miraculously from  my new town (45 minutes south). We talked before the even started and then during out 4-6 minutes. The other two men were totally not for me. The first one actually had some potential and we ended up grabbing drinks and dinner after. We headed into Cherry Creek in my little convertible (top down, nice night) and talked non stop for several hours. It’s hard to tell, but I will be honest: I may have done more of the talking! But we traded numbers. He then proceeded to cancel on me twice. that week; He lost momentum, almost. And I almost lost interest. He then texted when I didn’t expect he was still interested to get together. I agreed because he did seem nice. I couldn’t tell whether he was keeping the date because he felt bad or because he actually wanted to meet up.

So we finally met up and he picked me up. We headed downtown. We backed up into a bat -mobile (a black type of something that possibly resembled a  heavy-duty ATV).  A little damage, not too bad. We headed to the 16th Street Mall and hit the Rialto Cafe. Decent conversation. Decent food. We walked around after, but mostly just to find the car. I needed the exercise. We headed back to my place. We had been talking about our places in Parker, so I gave him a tour. He gave me a kiss, then said “Isn’t that what you wanted?”…. WHAT?  I replied “Don’t do me any favors”. He retorted: “I’m not” and continued. It continued for a while and then he took off; nothing much happened and barely a mention of hanging out again. Which is fine.

The next two days we texted a little, but I initiated each time. Then the day he was taking off the weekend (Thursday), I decided to NOT initiate. At all. Nothing. And received NOTHING. And that was that.

The end. Till the next time! You know, because they take this seriously.

Music I’m thinking of here: Amy Winehouse’s Back To Black.

 

Forever. And a day.

WOW! I had no clue I abandoned my post, literally, for about three months. I am so sorry!

The good news is that I have been so busy with life and fitness with my optimal health plan, that my  short term fitness,  life goals and outcomes have been favorable!

1. EXERCISE: What a great thing to do! I am improving in this department. My healthy living (with a side of weight loss) program discouraged too much exercise when I was going through such a radical calorie reduction. I soon understood why. Now, in transition, I am getting back to the exercising/walking, both outside and on the treadmill. I am excited to get physically fit in shape in time for warm weather fun in the mountains!

2. LOST OVER 25 POUNDS: This was an amazing feat! I gained so much weight in the last 2 years since losing weight in 2016. WHY?! How did  I let that happen? I can tell you exactly what happened. Maybe this has happened to you. I did not transition into a way of healthy living. I did not set myself up for healthy maintenance eating and healthful and wise choices.  I  have now lost weight and looking to lose about 10 more.  Most importantly, I am learning how to live with daily healthy living with a slight bent toward losing a bit more weight. Once I get to my desired weight, I will admit that the healthy living will be a challenge. I want the healthy living and most of the time, its not that hard. But sometimes….. yes, sometimes I am craving nachos and nerds or gummy bears. I am not going to lie. I want to stay in this weight loss mode until I am secure in my healthy choices and know I am not going to yo-yo back to this weight from December.

3. NO MORE DATING ONLINE (doing something else that I will delve into a little later for all your curious people)….yay! I have joined more of a matchmaking thing. I guess we still have to put ourselves out there. This time, it seems different. It involves more work, but the outcome hopefully includes some more quality. With those free online sites, you get what you don’t pay for! You know what I am talking about: Plenty of Fish, Bumble, Tinder…the list goes on.  It’s also dramatically different because instead of getting into the time suck of these dating sites (yes, plural), I can live life and blog more, work more, and exercise more. I can check in on line with this different singles group after selecting certain people.  We’ll see how this goes. I don’t officially start being eligible online till after I finish my profile. Who knows that this singles group will bring!

4. BOUGHT A TOWNOUSE!! Okay, how did this just happen in three months? I wasn’t even looking for a place. The truth is I wasn’t looking at all. I went to an open house one weekend with a friend. I fell in love with the townhouse I saw. I called over my future realtor and talked to a lending officer right then and there. She was at the open house.  The unexpected and rare thing happened: a domino effect of contractual agreements just fell into place.  From the date the offer was accepted and the contract signed, I closed on my townhouse 30 days later. I had no clue  my life would change this much this soon or how much my life would change. I think part of this is because I am moving to the suburbs from the city. It’s going to be a big change; but I think I am ready.

Yes, I have done this all since my last post in December! Things have been crazy and overwhelming, but reassuring that I have been making progress in positive life changes.

I think with these new changes (and being house rich cash poor I am sure), I will be blogging a lot more and sharing my dating experiences once again. And this time, in the middle of suburbia. Dating in suburbia. I see that being one of my future posts.

Stay tuned!