Colorado: a dating desert 2.5

And here we are again! I met a very nice guy on OKCupid almost a month ago. We went out maybe three or four times. In my old ways, I probably would have realized I was not interested immediately. I just was not physically attracted to him. He was so nice though and we got along well and he was fun to be with. So why not? I will give it a chance. It almost seemed reminiscent of last year when I went to Belize with a guy that I realized was also a nonviable relationship. We had gone too fast too soon and booked a vacation a month in.  Anyway, I continued to make some new dates with this new guy; when I left to see family over Thanksgiving, my plans to watch my dogs fell through 2 days before I was supposed to leave. The new guy stepped up. I had no choice, but I did kinda trust him. I was pretty much forced to trust him. He took great care of my pups; he even picked me up from the airport with dogs and a dozen pink roses (they are my favorite and he knew it).  When he came back to the house we made dinner and one of my close friends came over for dinner. She liked him. Which is always nice when the people you trust like the new guy.  What was my problem? That night we went to bed and talked. Nothing happened because I couldn’t  put up with more than a single kiss, more like a peck if I am being honest.

So we reconvened Saturday night. He was very excited; he wanted to meet my friends who ended up having to take a rain check. I Ubered up there to the jazz bar close by, He met me and I knew it was going to be quite a night. I started drinking fairly immediately; maybe I’d loosen up and feel some chemistry. Earlier in the week when  he texted me “Are you excited for me to meet your friends?”, I realized I wasn’t at that moment. And that’s when the doubts really set in.  So here I am Saturday night, drinking.  A lot. We are having fun, but I feel no connection. No desire for touch or flirting. I ask again: what is my problem? He is a perfect gentleman. He wasn’t trying anything, yet he paid the whole bill. He kept saying how good I looked and how he liked me. I was starting to feel uneasy. I couldn’t return the compliments. I am concrete and very honest; I couldn’t just “be polite”.  Even when drunk.  We had fun, but I felt like i was having lots of drinks with a fun friend. Not a prospective boyfriend. We Ubered back to my place. Again, NOTHING happened and I fell asleep. The next morning……was an awkward disaster.

I woke up after 5 hours of sleep and he asked “Are you attracted to me?”. Whoa!!  I have to be brutally honest as I just had my eyes opened for like a minute. Okay , maybe ten. So I asked him if he really wanted me to answer that. He rolled over away from me and turned over a few minutes later  and said “Yes”.  So I was my barely awake,  but concretely and very honestly gave him my 8 AM response.  “ I don’t think so”. Okay so 98% honest. If I am being honest, I didn’t have to “think” about it; the answer was no. That morning was awkward and quiet. He challenged me and asked why I didn’t end things at the first date (like I probably should have) and I told him I wanted to give it a chance and see if there was chemistry.  I just told him it never happened for me. He had invited me for an expense paid trip over Valentine’s Day to the hot springs with my dogs. When I told him I thought we were taking it slowly and I can’t commit to that, I thought he would have caught on that. I should have ended it there as well. But for some reason, I thought I would give it one last in person date to see. I did. I drank. It is definitely over.

We ended up still going to breakfast that morning. He wants to be friends and still work out with me and make chili for me, etc….I wouldn’t mind being friends with him, but I think he’s going to be hurt when I start dating and find it inappropriate to do things with someone I used to date. I told him that. He didn’t quite understand. I dropped him off at his car at the bar (from last night). I told him to take a day to think about things, but I did not think it would be the best idea to work out Tuesday.  I think he needs time to see if he still wants to be friends.

And I trudge forward in the dating desert that is Colorado.

Stay tuned!!

 

Colorado: a dating desert 2.0

I am floored. I thought my text was firm, confident. I thought I left it with him on no uncertain terms, that I never wanted to talk to the guy again. You know, the dangerous guy with all kinds of red flags. Now he wants to meet at services today. As it is Shabbat. And talk. Talk? Talk! What is there to talk about? You are accused of terrible things and are standing trial in early 2020. What do I want with you?  After leaving what I thought was a distinct text to leave me alone, he waited a few weeks.

Last night I got a voice mail asking to meet him at Shabbat services and talk. He mentioned that I am amazing. Great! What does that mean coming from an accused man? I am so conflicted. The obvious choice  would be to absolutely ignore his requests. But I find it hard to blow off people, treating them like scum and not human beings.  Here in the United States, where people are innocent until proven guilty, where do I stand? Do I treat him as an innocent in the Dating Court and at least respond? Or for the sake of my safety, do I blow him off? I believe the term is “ghosting”?! If he is really found guilty, in real court in 2020, I will be so glad I stayed away. I think for my personal safety and peace of mind, I am going to treat him as guilty. Guilty of not explaining things through BEFORE I discovered all the news items about him. Guilty of making me feel uncomfortable asking totally normal questions about his kids, work, etc…

Okay, I think I know my answer. I just need to leave it alone. The curious blogging woman wants to know what he would say. The forgiving woman is wanting to see how he would say it. But no, I need to start my new path.

I’ll keep you posted. Any comments or suggestions? Please leave them for me? I could definitely use some input. My friends have been great, but its been a bit embarrassing. I am blogging about this experience because it’s important that people know there are some dangerous people out there on the dating apps. It all sounds so cliche, but I am here to tell you, its OUT THERE! Be careful!!

Music I am listening to: Searching for a Devil by In The Valley Below

Colorado: a dating desert

I don’t know how anyone meets an emotionally available, non-drug using, single man in Denver. I have loved this city for decades, but the men? Not so much…. Since men are not a reason to stay or leave a city, I have stayed and loved most of what Colorado has to offer: beautiful mountains, good career, awesome friends and more! Those are the reasons I stay, but honestly, is too much to ask to meet a normal guy? One that doesn’t just want a hook up or lies about their divorce status?  Colorado is essentially a dating desert devoid of truly eligible men. I have heard this from women younger than I am, so I know this is not just me.

I have gone through my non judgmental phase. Sure. I dated a homeless guy (though I didn’t realize it at the time, I confess!) and a guy on public assistance (not that there’s anything wrong with this except I wasn’t allowed at his house because his case manager said its against the rules…this was a drag). How do you avoid guys like this? I did not meet those guys on a dating app. That was before Plenty of Fish, Bumble, Tinder, etc..

Is it so much to ask that the guy have natural teeth, not be accused of killing his wife and/or be free of any deep seeded addiction issues? I am not going to tell you if all these are my personal experiences, but let’s just say, I have the details to back up my experiences.  Scary, I tell you. I thought one of these guys I was starting to date was a nice Jewish guy ( as I happen to be Jewish, this was an interesting detail as there are not loads of single Jewish men in Denver). The guy took me to the synagogue on our first date. On our second date, I went to his house to swim and brought my dogs; how nice it was he invited them. It was great. There could be opinions on going to his house so soon, I am aware!  There were a few off limits topics and I just brushed them off as “maybe he needs to open up later when he knows me more”, but  it was already a red flag in my book that he couldn’t talk about some basic things that you talk about at the beginning of any dating situation; I’ve not come across this shut down before.

It was late at night when some of the topics were shelved and I almost felt like leaving.  I even texted a friend who encouraged me to leave. But I stayed. I had breakfast with him that morning. I left right after breakfast where we talked about my job. He seemed fascinated (because the topic was not him, I imagine). The next day, I shared some details with another friend who did some  digging. Lo and behold- this guy had a past. One too dangerous for me. I have my limits, despite my unlucky dating past.  I just couldn’t be a part of this drama. I texted him as much and never heard from him again, which was the goal as I requested no further contact. Within a minute, he deleted my Bumble profile. I am not sure to this day if he deleted my profile before I texted him but does it matter?

So, I was shocked and floored over the news of this guy’s past (and present, for that matter). I am taking a month or so break from the dating agency I signed up with. They encouraged me to look at other avenues of dating.  I did, and this is where I am. Ugh! So frustrating… but I am going to use this month to just take care of me, my fitness, my diet and healthy lifestyle and my good friends.

If any of you have had a scary dating story or frustrating, drop me a comment. I would LOVE to know I am not alone!!
PS: There is a new guy I met, but I need to do some research first….

MUSIC to listen by: Everything But The Girl’s Walking Wounded

I’m not Samantha

I tried. I wanted a light and airy summer and I have had a nice summer. So far. But the light and airy part were the guys are concerned has been a little disappointing. I am thinking there are two reasons for this. First, the online dating thing does not work for innocent and good clean fun.  After you post on your profile you are not looking for anything serious, it is assumed by a great majority of men that you are looking for a hook up. There appears to be no middle ground. No dating, not meet ups or even a cocktail to see if there is some viable chemistry.  I am kind of incredulous that they actually expect to show up at your door and as one Aussie described “just kinda get right into it”. WTF?!  Not only is this horribly disrespectful for all parties involved, it is ludicrous in the safety department. Who actually thinks a woman is going to travel to a hotel room? With out even meeting for a drink or a cocktail (much less a few dates)? These guys think they just need your address for a good time right off the internet, without so much as a date, phone call, or even a text with an updated picture to ensure you’re not inviting someone on a date who is NOT the person you’ve been communicating with for any amount of time? This is craziness. I can ONLY surmise that guys try and succeed with this full throttle mission is because it actually works. If this is the case, as insane as it sounds, I would love to give these women a pep talk in safety online.  I don’t know if they are naive, lonely, or merely stupid?  What is going on today? I have tried, but just recently  realized a whole month  of exploring the light and airy option,  it simply won’t work for me. And that’s the second reason this ‘light and airy’ summer wasn’t going to work. I am just not set up that way.

I’m not Samantha. I can’t just meet guys and sleep with them. I can’t just have meaningless fun relationships (if you can call them that). I didn’t really try hard because I could not take these guys seriously. I tried to have fun with it, but it just seemed (to me) to be lonely and dangerous. I couldn’t partake. Instead, I learned a lesson that I am pretty sure I already knew. I don’t do one night stands and I prefer romance. That’s it. I need a real relationship. Not multiple. Just one real significant relationship that includes communication, respect, autonomy and teamwork all at the same time. I guess I am more of a Carrie and way less Samantha.

So, I joined a dating service that is a major investment, but its a matchmaking service that doesn’t work on algorithms and searches of empty and possibly fake profiles.  I already have a date for Tuesday, so I am pretty excited!

Stay Tuned!!

A light relationship equals light effort, I guess?

I’m not used to these light, easy going things. I guess I am  always headed toward these intense serious things, that I don’t know what to expect with a light relationship.  Perhaps the expectations are minimal.

I am not sure what to make of it all and I am pretty sure I can’t do it. But damn, I am going to try since i want a light summer with not too much seriousness. Does this mean, however, that there is no respect for my time? Does this mean not putting much effort into making plans?  Generally, does a light relationship equate to minimal consideration to the other person? I am thinking yes to all of the above. This has been my recent experience. So I am learning. I started making my own plans and if he is not available, then I guess I won’t be seeing him. He’s doing this, so I will as well, at his request even.

So this holiday week, I had options; i thought he had a potential of July 4th free, so in the back of my head, I still kept that open and made plans for the other days this week. My error. Apparently,  he had plans that he ‘had to confirm’ so he didn’t bother to mention.  Apparently, he was available the other days, but he didn’t tell me and felt we shouldn’t plan them (just in case he got a better offer, who knows?). Well, too bad. I am now getting educated in the “little effort relationship”.  I live my own life and see if we fit into them. No advance plans, really. No open communication.

Turns out, i won’t be seeing him this week since he confirmed his July 4th plans with his ‘friends’; he claims he’ll try to ‘move something around’, but what’s the point really? He’s going away for a month  the day after my birthday next week and I am not waiting for that. I am moving on. i mean this is a light relationship. It requires little effort.. Next.

A new hopeful

Back into the dating scene and completely exhausted. I’ve met a few guys so far. The first two were not viable options; the second of the two was downright obnoxious. He reminded me too much of the live in. This third one is definitely viable, though our relationship is as developed as a zygote.

I think I want to keep it as light as possible this time around compared with my last disaster! For one, the guy is laid back and there’s no pressure. That helps. I won’t lie. There are some other factors that play into the whole situation which makes this guy so appealing. He is 1 hour form me which means he won’t be over all the time. I enjoy his company very much; don’t get me wrong, but I want the summer to enjoy my friends and going out as well. He has his shit together and loves where he lives, so he won’t want to move in anytime soon……or ever. Bonus!  He also goes away for travel quite a bit, business and pleasure.  Sometimes on the weekend. This gives me time to get stuff done. With all this being said there are a few drawbacks to the whole situation.

There are times that I would have liked to see him, just to spend time getting to know each other in this initial phase. With the time differences in travel, its been awkward. I mean we got off to a good start then with time away and an inability to keep the spark when the spark needs to stay lit is a bit frustrating. I am thinking I can get over this soon,  He’ll be home this week and we may see each other for dinner toward the end of the week and spending some much needed quality time on Saturday.  I like that the relationship is light for now. I don’t know what he thinks of it; he’s so laid back, I imagine he thinks it is a pretty casual  situation. I think this is dating sans the intense togetherness. We have decided to be monogamous after sleeping together (after the FOURTH date),  I think. Maybe I need more clarification on the details, but that does not mean serious per se. More like safe. I think I will find out more this weekend. But for the first time in a very long time, I am NOT in a rush. It feels good. I think this is going to shape up to be a very fun summer!

Another thing: He knows I blog, but  he does not ask me about it. Ever. Never. I am not sure if this means he doesn’t care or if he lets me be with the privacy to write what I want, uncensored.

Deep in the world of dating

Sorry, its been a while. If you remember, I was unclear in my intentions with the last guy I dated. I realized and questioned whether our lifestyles were viable, not to mention the distance between us. Physical distance, I mean. Turns out, it just wasn’t going to work for me. It’s going to be even more awkward when we go to Belize together. In honor of myself and dating, I felt it only appropriate to get my own room.  When you’re  dating, you  can’t expect these new guys to understand that you are sharing a room with someone you have no interest in dating or otherwise. Can you? I didn’t think so. Not appropriate. At all. The guy was saying “the guy you’re dating should understand you’re just friends with me.”. NIce try, but no go.  So I got my own room and it was expensive, but a peace of mind is priceless. Am I right?

So yes, while the Belize  guy just assumes I am dating, I have officially started wading in the dating pool once again. Deeply wading. Online. The scammers are still there; in fact, I talked to one the other day. They are so easy to spot, then you can call them out on it. I have told two so far they are absolute frauds. However, I have been out with two people and like one in particular. I have a second date this Saturday, so we shall see; My boundary that I  am firm on is monogamy .I have even told this new guy that I am fine if he is not ready for the move toward monogamy ,but he knows there will be no sex till then. It’s just my thing. I feel like if I value myself, i am going to not only tell them my boundary, but at least as importantly, I am going to stick to it! This guy is hard to read, but he seems interesting and interested. He could be really genuine and honest about not being ready,. And/or he could be a total player and wants to not give that up till the last minute.  I don’t know. But if I take it slow (what a concept!), these things will figure themselves out. I’ll find out more Saturday evening while we cook some dinner and drink some Cabernet.  This is the deal; I know what I want. I am going to be patient and wait for him to figure it out for himself. I have time.  He told me the other day “You’re sexy as fuck and you’re really pretty”. Are these two mutually exclusive qualities?  Is this a compliment or what?! I think it is, but I will wait that out also. And last night he even admitted  that he’s glad we waited on our first date. Since it was .our first date after all. I told him it can wait and I am worth it. Because I am.