There’s something missing: Part II

I mentioned at the end of Part I that I did not date for a year. I don’t think I could have if I tried. I was a mess. I knew I had to get things settled and resolved in my head before I could seem somewhat appropriate for dating.  That was a hard fucking year. My newly estranged husband, soon to be my ex-husband broke a majority, or maybe all, of his promises to me (and my parents).  Those broken promises are what put me in bankruptcy. I would have never needed bankruptcy protection because of my own choices (except the choice I made to fall in love and marry him).  But that’s neither here not there for this tale.  Once I started counseling, hiring a mediocre lawyer (from Florida), and generally getting my life back on track, I decided it was okay to start considering dating.

In 2011, I started up again. WIth dating. While no one seemed quite as dramatic as the ex, there was still some crazy decisions I made. I made some choices that led to humorous exchanges online within the dating sites. I made some questionable choices that led me to some new dramatic episodes. Some choices led to quite UN-dramatic dates. I didn’t feel a spark. It’s as if my spark only ignited with the deranged dramatic ones. Recently (in the last two years or so),  there was the prison guard who turned into a supreme douchebag after the second date. Perhaps I should not have spent the night with him. Jus’ saying. And being honest in the process. He kept texting then stopping and then reappearing online messaging me. I would tell him to text me; he kept messaging me that he lost his phone and lost all his contacts (three times?). I told him it was done.  I was sending him to the island of lost douchebags. Never to be heard from again (at least not from me).  Then after that was the whole ordeal I blogged about last year around October:  Relationship Quandary I realized after that ordeal  that drama comes in many shapes and sizes. I  have a part in  all of it. If I don’t recognize this, I am damned and destined to repeat the failure of dating men who bring out the worst in me: insecurity, self -doubt,  and neediness. I know these are all pretty much the same thing, but they have their individual qualities in their own shortcomings. I needed to be done with it all. I needed to know outside my friend circle that I could meet a guy and attract him to me. I needed that guy NOT to be someone who I felt these things around.

I have not talked about romantic relationships in a long time because I just didn’t know where my life would go. And plus, the  guy from the post above made it patently obvious I fucked things up because I wrote about our relationship on my blog. He had a point. For sure. Except that I had told him each time I blogged and he was like “great, cool. I will have to read that sometime”; only, he never read any posts till the end. That’s when the shit hit the fan with him.

In this past year, I was eventually able to attract a guy that was very un-drama as they came. Smooth sailing. No rip tides.  I swore something was absent from the relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. Of that, I was absolutely sure. We ended up just being true good friends, but there’s a moral here.

The moral, the take home message is this: When you are sick and tired of where you have been in relationships, you will have to do something different. I did a few things differently. I was NOT going to be destined for failure. While that relationship ended up in friendship and not the Happily Ever After, it was a MAJOR gift. One that told me a drama-free life with a guy is possible.  The only thing missing from that experience was drama.

And you know what? I didn’t miss it at all.  The future is promising!

There’s something missing…: Part I

So, I have had enough drama to last a very long time. I feel that every single minute of dating and married life carries with it some kind of drama. I get so involved in the intrigue of it all. Then, things seems to go so quickly, so damn hot and heavy, I can hardly keep up. Then what  happens? What do you think happens? Routine and expectations. What the hell…they just come out of nowhere.. For me,  it usually involves expectations that I set unreasonably. The bar is so high, an Olympic pole vaulter would have no change for Gold. Yet, I put it there, up high in the sky. Am I sabotaging myself? Am I ruining any possibility for a viable relationship? Probably. As soon as expectations are in place, things go bad. Very bad. Is it because I start perseverating on details that are not critical, because I want  things my way, I  wanted things to go well. I didn’t know why they  never did.

Things end. They always do.  I remember when I was dating my ex-husband. I didn’t mind it so much. I was at a period in my life where I was not drinking alcohol. I thought I had a problem with it (I didn’t), so I was in AA. I met him there (which I may have mentioned before). LIfe was NEVER boring.  I always was in a situation of some sort. This time,  it was the angry boyfriend from AA. Back then, during our dating period, I could just leave his home when he was being temperamental (and that’s being generous!).  Then I married the angry boyfriend in 2009. Never a dull moment. Mostly something was more or less always crashing around me: his patience, my patience, the refrigerator contents, the patio door, you name it.  It probably crashed.  Then he got sober. There was never a predictable moment. I must have had more expectations for this marriage that could not have been met. Then eventually, the only expectation I  always had was that I would always be safe and it would never get “that bad”.

Well, it got that bad. I was forced to lower my expectations and stay with someone who was bound to drink again or leave. I did not actually want to leave. I wanted to work out the problems, oddly enough. He didn’t.  And he didn’t want to be with me apparently. Fair enough. He was starting to scare me. There are a ton of details that will come in future posts, but right now, suffice it to say: The Drama Ended. At least for a minute. Don’t worry, it picked up right after I left and moved back to Denver.  Our relationship pretty much ended right there. The divorce came 6 months later.

I had enough of the relationship drama to last me a while (the other drama was financial messiness that had nothing to do with me). I did not date for a year. I needed time for me.  That was probably one of the smartest things I have done in a long time. For me. Besides quitting smoking of course, which happened two years later.

Stay tuned: the drama and expectations continue with dating stories that I have told here.  They will make more sense now that my propensity for drama was at an all time high. I thought it was low, so low, from what I had been through with my ex. My zero tolerance policy for drama did not come till later.

 

Music Pairing: Concrete Blonde’s Joey. Because it fits.

I have the right to

I must admit: I am in a creative slump. I want to write and I felt that I had nothing to say. Until now.  Last year I had an unforgettable experience. I attended a very short segment of  the first annual Washington Area Independent School Institute on Sexual Assault and Consent at Georgetown Day School in Washington, DC (where I went to high school).  I was going to blog about it when I got back home. Then I lost my nerve. I am just being honest. My blog was new and I was just not sure how honest I was capable of being with such a current subject that deserves attention and respect.

Then this week I finished Amy Schumer’s book, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo. She wrote about consent in one of her chapters. Just as I was finishing her book, I got the GDS magazine in the mail. One of the students had written on the Summit from last year. I read it, and combined with Schumer’s book, I was completely inspired.

I decided that my mistakes, my decisions, and my experiences were mine, yes,  but perhaps someone could learn from my deficits in judgement back in the day.  So, I feel compelled to share a few of these stories.  So if they make ONE person not feel so alone, so isolated and misunderstood, then I have no problem subjecting myself to judgment and the haters that are going to see something wrote with anything anyone does.  Let the haters hate and the judges judge. I am here to be honest Share what I know and have experienced with relationships: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

If I write on the subjects of consent or sexual assault, I may drop a hashtag. That’s not my norm, but I do want to recognize the work being done to bring this subject to light  I want to be part of the movement to allow people to understand what consent means. And what it means to me.

Look for a post about this in the coming week. In the future, I may share some ugly stories about this subject, mostly to let it live in the light, not the dark.

#Consentsummit16

#Ihavetherightto

#PAVE

Have a great rest of your weekend!

 

Imaginary boyfriend

via Daily Prompt: Imaginary

I have an Imaginary Boyfriend. You got it! A figment of my imagination, because my Imaginary Boyfriend could never exist in the real world. Talk about unicorns. My IB knows when to call me out, doesn’t cosign any bullshit. He is smart and funny so I don’t have to explain anything to him. Because that’s exhausting. I hate that. He’s tall, so I can wear any shoes I want and not run into the danger of stepping on his manhood with my heels. I’m only 5’8″; I still need my heels! He has awesome teeth and that’s important. I am the daughter of an oral surgeon. I learned well. My  IB gives me space and has his own friends, but he is emotionally available. What more can I ask for?

My IB is awesome in so many ways I can’t even list them now. When he comes walking down the street and becomes real, in the flesh, I certainly don’t want to miss it. I better be aware. I can’t be messing around with guys who are a waste of my time, frauds who can’t deliver on half their promises. I’ll miss the transformation of my IB.  I can’t do that. I won’t.

 

Have a great day!!

Symbiosis: Are the scales ever balanced?

via Daily Prompt: Symbiosis

Am I too cynical? When is symbiosis beneficial to both parties? I haven’t seen this often enough.  There is always some power play. Maybe we could be symbiotic in some equal-ish transfer of different contributions, money, emotional support, intellect, sex….the list goes on. The transfer can be fluid. I suppose if both people absolutely are equal in their need for the other’s contributions  to the relationship, then the symbiosis is copacetic. All good.

But when is it EVER a perfect balance of power? When we are so invested in the others success? Is it because our success depends too heavily on the others?  I wish I could think about all the lovely ecosystems and symbiosis in nature. That would be so cool here in the world of human behavior in relationships. It’s just now where my head goes.  My head goes to dysfunction in the so-called symbiosis of relationships I have seen (not just my own, mind you).

In human relationships (take your pick), when are the scaled perfectly balanced to create a genuine symbiosis?

 

Back after extended holiday…

Did everyone have a good holiday? Or at least a decent one? Was it hard with family?

I know I have not blogged in a week. I was all ready to post a few updates and new topics last weekend and I had the worst headache. Ugh. After missing two days of work, I started to feel better and started to think about a few things I would like to address here.

Out of respect to my last relationship, I promised no more talk of that. I learned something about that and writing about a current relationship. I have so much to share, that I am not too worried if the significant other wants me to keep our relationship private and white anonymous, wants me to keep it all together  off the internet. That was my last lesson learned. I will bring that with me going forward. I will still talk about the lessons learned, the heart ache of every good and bad relationship. It just may not be the one I happen to be in at the time. It will be up to that person and with utmost respect, I will follow his lead to determine where the content goes.

I want to hear from other bloggers who write non fiction narrative and memoir like posts. Is it hard to write that content and keep people out of the limelight? I thought I was writing anonymously, but it can be a bit peculiar when you see yourself online, I am sure, even when no one else knows it’s you, except  perhaps close family and friends. Please comment and share with me your experiences regarding real life  events and expressing them here for all to see.

I look forward to hearing your comments and could definitely use the feed back!

 

 

 

Remembering me?

So I had a great walk with a male  friend I have known for over a decade. We talked about our current relationships, both of which were initiated on the internet. Both of our relationships are flourishing. They are so different though. It is amazing to get a reminder from the people we know well to remember ourselves and our needs. I must tell you, because it may matter to some of you, but my friend and I have been platonic from the get go. Nothing, no hook up, no kiss, no first date. Never happened. He’s just more like a slightly older brother who will talk to me real like and give me the hard truth.

I tell him about some of the things my guy told me in the beginning and things I learned about what to talk about and not talk about (he didn’t tell me, he just reported what went well and not so well in past relationships where his kids were concerned–I just took note). My friend had to remind me “but you do love your dog and love to talk about him? Are you changing who you are and what you talk about  because of him?”. He was being kind, not harsh. My friend knows me. For over ten years. New guy has known me for maybe ten dates.  I told my friend, as I truly believed it yesterday, that it is not a big deal…I can go slow and be careful of what I talk about with he kids. I barely talk to them anyway, because one of them feels I am overbearing when I barrage her with questions. I can’t even think of a double barreled interrogation at this time, but whatever. Now its just “hi” or “can you pass the parmesan cheese”…minimal.  I take the lead from him. My friend reminds to be my own person.  We need friends like this.  And of course, I tell him my truths and perceptions about this relationships.  Because that’s the kind of friendship we have.

 

Remember YOU in the relationship. What do you need? Who are you? I posted last time about considering the other person’s feelings. For sure. We definitely need to learn and remember that. But never lose yourself in the process. Never.

 

I would love to hear from all of you about your experience navigating a new relationship (even and especially if you are married or still with them now), learning more about yourself and what happened when you temporarily forgot YOU? And if you can straighten out my whole language conundrum between Like & Love in French. That would be cool too!