I have the right to

I must admit: I am in a creative slump. I want to write and I felt that I had nothing to say. Until now.  Last year I had an unforgettable experience. I attended a very short segment of  the first annual Washington Area Independent School Institute on Sexual Assault and Consent at Georgetown Day School in Washington, DC (where I went to high school).  I was going to blog about it when I got back home. Then I lost my nerve. I am just being honest. My blog was new and I was just not sure how honest I was capable of being with such a current subject that deserves attention and respect.

Then this week I finished Amy Schumer’s book, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo. She wrote about consent in one of her chapters. Just as I was finishing her book, I got the GDS magazine in the mail. One of the students had written on the Summit from last year. I read it, and combined with Schumer’s book, I was completely inspired.

I decided that my mistakes, my decisions, and my experiences were mine, yes,  but perhaps someone could learn from my deficits in judgement back in the day.  So, I feel compelled to share a few of these stories.  So if they make ONE person not feel so alone, so isolated and misunderstood, then I have no problem subjecting myself to judgment and the haters that are going to see something wrote with anything anyone does.  Let the haters hate and the judges judge. I am here to be honest Share what I know and have experienced with relationships: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

If I write on the subjects of consent or sexual assault, I may drop a hashtag. That’s not my norm, but I do want to recognize the work being done to bring this subject to light  I want to be part of the movement to allow people to understand what consent means. And what it means to me.

Look for a post about this in the coming week. In the future, I may share some ugly stories about this subject, mostly to let it live in the light, not the dark.

#Consentsummit16

#Ihavetherightto

#PAVE

Have a great rest of your weekend!

 

Imaginary boyfriend

via Daily Prompt: Imaginary

I have an Imaginary Boyfriend. You got it! A figment of my imagination, because my Imaginary Boyfriend could never exist in the real world. Talk about unicorns. My IB knows when to call me out, doesn’t cosign any bullshit. He is smart and funny so I don’t have to explain anything to him. Because that’s exhausting. I hate that. He’s tall, so I can wear any shoes I want and not run into the danger of stepping on his manhood with my heels. I’m only 5’8″; I still need my heels! He has awesome teeth and that’s important. I am the daughter of an oral surgeon. I learned well. My  IB gives me space and has his own friends, but he is emotionally available. What more can I ask for?

My IB is awesome in so many ways I can’t even list them now. When he comes walking down the street and becomes real, in the flesh, I certainly don’t want to miss it. I better be aware. I can’t be messing around with guys who are a waste of my time, frauds who can’t deliver on half their promises. I’ll miss the transformation of my IB.  I can’t do that. I won’t.

 

Have a great day!!

Symbiosis: Are the scales ever balanced?

via Daily Prompt: Symbiosis

Am I too cynical? When is symbiosis beneficial to both parties? I haven’t seen this often enough.  There is always some power play. Maybe we could be symbiotic in some equal-ish transfer of different contributions, money, emotional support, intellect, sex….the list goes on. The transfer can be fluid. I suppose if both people absolutely are equal in their need for the other’s contributions  to the relationship, then the symbiosis is copacetic. All good.

But when is it EVER a perfect balance of power? When we are so invested in the others success? Is it because our success depends too heavily on the others?  I wish I could think about all the lovely ecosystems and symbiosis in nature. That would be so cool here in the world of human behavior in relationships. It’s just now where my head goes.  My head goes to dysfunction in the so-called symbiosis of relationships I have seen (not just my own, mind you).

In human relationships (take your pick), when are the scaled perfectly balanced to create a genuine symbiosis?

 

Back after extended holiday…

Did everyone have a good holiday? Or at least a decent one? Was it hard with family?

I know I have not blogged in a week. I was all ready to post a few updates and new topics last weekend and I had the worst headache. Ugh. After missing two days of work, I started to feel better and started to think about a few things I would like to address here.

Out of respect to my last relationship, I promised no more talk of that. I learned something about that and writing about a current relationship. I have so much to share, that I am not too worried if the significant other wants me to keep our relationship private and white anonymous, wants me to keep it all together  off the internet. That was my last lesson learned. I will bring that with me going forward. I will still talk about the lessons learned, the heart ache of every good and bad relationship. It just may not be the one I happen to be in at the time. It will be up to that person and with utmost respect, I will follow his lead to determine where the content goes.

I want to hear from other bloggers who write non fiction narrative and memoir like posts. Is it hard to write that content and keep people out of the limelight? I thought I was writing anonymously, but it can be a bit peculiar when you see yourself online, I am sure, even when no one else knows it’s you, except  perhaps close family and friends. Please comment and share with me your experiences regarding real life  events and expressing them here for all to see.

I look forward to hearing your comments and could definitely use the feed back!

 

 

 

Remembering me?

So I had a great walk with a male  friend I have known for over a decade. We talked about our current relationships, both of which were initiated on the internet. Both of our relationships are flourishing. They are so different though. It is amazing to get a reminder from the people we know well to remember ourselves and our needs. I must tell you, because it may matter to some of you, but my friend and I have been platonic from the get go. Nothing, no hook up, no kiss, no first date. Never happened. He’s just more like a slightly older brother who will talk to me real like and give me the hard truth.

I tell him about some of the things my guy told me in the beginning and things I learned about what to talk about and not talk about (he didn’t tell me, he just reported what went well and not so well in past relationships where his kids were concerned–I just took note). My friend had to remind me “but you do love your dog and love to talk about him? Are you changing who you are and what you talk about  because of him?”. He was being kind, not harsh. My friend knows me. For over ten years. New guy has known me for maybe ten dates.  I told my friend, as I truly believed it yesterday, that it is not a big deal…I can go slow and be careful of what I talk about with he kids. I barely talk to them anyway, because one of them feels I am overbearing when I barrage her with questions. I can’t even think of a double barreled interrogation at this time, but whatever. Now its just “hi” or “can you pass the parmesan cheese”…minimal.  I take the lead from him. My friend reminds to be my own person.  We need friends like this.  And of course, I tell him my truths and perceptions about this relationships.  Because that’s the kind of friendship we have.

 

Remember YOU in the relationship. What do you need? Who are you? I posted last time about considering the other person’s feelings. For sure. We definitely need to learn and remember that. But never lose yourself in the process. Never.

 

I would love to hear from all of you about your experience navigating a new relationship (even and especially if you are married or still with them now), learning more about yourself and what happened when you temporarily forgot YOU? And if you can straighten out my whole language conundrum between Like & Love in French. That would be cool too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nobody will love you like me

 

I had a very interesting short-term texting relationship lately. I met this guy on POF. Many of the guys on this site very interested in being pen-pals or texting friends. Every time I mention an actual meeting with someone I meet, it’s as if I run into absolute aversion. “Not that! Don’t make me actually  have contact,” they seem to be saying. When I question their ability to meet and why they are so uninterested in an actual date, they are unable to come up with really good reasons. I am not looking for a pen-pal or text friend, but I ran into one anyway.

I don’t even know how to describe this guy. The first night we actually texted  (mind  you, never a phone call), I asked him if his profile was true, that he was actually looking for a wife. He said yes and that he talked about me fulfilling the wife role. When I asked him about that, he said he was just joking. What started as a weird beginning got way more bizarre.

I explained to him in a subsequent texting conversation  the next day about my drug/no marijuana stance. He then went on a judgmental tirade against all marijuana users and their lifestyle. Which is not exactly what I was getting at. But anyway, I trudge on to determine why he is so judgmental.  This would have been the first time I should have actually ceased the relationship. Period. He acts as if I should be insulting the marijuana  users simply because I do not date those who use. He called me a hypocrite. Not totally accurate there. I discern who is in my social circle, but I don’t need to judge every marijuana user on the planet. When he starts adding in that he does not hang out with any “sickly” people in general, it begs the question of “physical, mental, all ages…really?”. When he texted back “all of the above”, I told him this  really won’t work. I have friends and relatives with different medical and mental health disorders, and I have had my share of medical melodrama as well.  I  stop texting him. Which is all good and fine until that evening.

He texts me later that evening and starts in on some mighty bizarre topics about his ability to find women with no effort, sending me an example of some such woman. We all know he didn’t send me a real photo of someone he knows, but of some horrid stock  photo from the internet. Not surprising as there are pics for the taking. But if you are going to brag about the women you are able to “get”, why wouldn’t you choose an attractive woman? Beautiful even? Not some skanky photo of some woman’s hip in lingerie being caressed by her own overgrown nasty manicured fingers. When I asked why this is what he is attracted to, he states in some disjointed non sequitur way: “I get more p***y than the law allows” (I am serious. I think he is in cahoots with Trump). I have no clue what that has to do with anything. He also stated “I’m usually only single for 10 minutes in my life” and  “I hate being alone….”. I kid you not. I explain to him that I am looking for someone who is independent, who knows how to be alone and comfortable with that.

This is right about the time my friends are telling me to stop even dealing with such a lunatic. Just leave the dude alone! I can not do that…this is too much fun, engaging in this creepy nonsense. What a waste of time, they said. True.

So I continue to text him and state and I quote myself:

“I would never meet you. Your lack of self-knowledge and brutal honesty about yourself is something I could never deal with. Your lack of even understanding about divorced women/”damaged” in your coworker’s eyes (and possibly your own) and your inability to be alone for longer than a month or “ten minutes” is not attractive to me at all.”.

Yes, I know, why am I even texting him? Why am i giving this guy any time or attention at all? Quite simply: I couldn’t let it go. He was such an ass, I couldn’t let him get away with this!  His immediate response to the above text?

“Yea it is ….nobody with lobe you like me”? Ear lobes? what? Of course he texted back “love”.

Okay, so nobody will love me like he will? Is this not one of the emotional abuse anthems? Does he even know what a red flag he just waved high up in the sky?  I informed him of this red flag and he just told me he looked forward to seeing me this weekend, as if I had said nothing (which in itself is saying a mouthful).  I told him that I would not be contacting him and said “no more”. He texted more. I had to finally text back “blocking now”. And I did.

The lesson: I don’t need to engage with every creep just to prove a point. I could have left that alone and blocked him way earlier. Was it wrong to have fun and push buttons at his expense, even if he didn’t notice.

What do you think? I should leave well enough (or in this case “bad enough”) alone and not spend time with someone just to prove a point or push their button?

Note: When editing this post this morning,  I realized it created a new post, at the top. Let’s be clear- this guy is definitely NOT the guy  I am speaking of in this new current relationship! Thank God!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relationship Quandary

I have been single for quite some time; amidst all the dating and meeting people who are, well, not for me. I write, I power walk, I learn French. I keep busy. It’s all good. I generally am comfortable in my own skin and don’t mind being alone. I am extremely independent and have been single a lot of my adult life.

Then I meet this guy. I don’t want to jinx anything, so I don’t want to say too much right now! I am very happy and I like him very much. I have not said that about ANYBODY in a long time. A.Very.Long.Time. Honestly, I don’t even know when, since my divorce. I have a guy I really like and who has said he really likes me. So I should be feeling awesome and full of butterflies. Which I do feel. 100%. So why do I also  feel more lonely at home alone now than when I was single and did not have any body that feels this way about me? I feel like I need to stop the level of neediess I feel to hear from him and be with him.This is SO NOT the post-Hell, post-War, post-Divorce me. It’s just not.

I have come too far to  feel this lonely.
If anyone has insight on how an independent, confident, intelligent woman could survive Hell, then get lonely the minute she meets someone she could really be happy with? I can’t sabotage this.

Please comment and help me out if you have any insight or can relate to what this whole mess of a real healthy relationship is, because its my first chance at this kind of happiness in a long time and I don’t want to mess it up.