I have been single for quite some time; amidst all the dating and meeting people who are, well, not for me. I write, I power walk, I learn French. I keep busy. It’s all good. I generally am comfortable in my own skin and don’t mind being alone. I am extremely independent and have been single a lot of my adult life.
Then I meet this guy. I don’t want to jinx anything, so I don’t want to say too much right now! I am very happy and I like him very much. I have not said that about ANYBODY in a long time. A.Very.Long.Time. Honestly, I don’t even know when, since my divorce. I have a guy I really like and who has said he really likes me. So I should be feeling awesome and full of butterflies. Which I do feel. 100%. So why do I also feel more lonely at home alone now than when I was single and did not have any body that feels this way about me? I feel like I need to stop the level of neediess I feel to hear from him and be with him.This is SO NOT the post-Hell, post-War, post-Divorce me. It’s just not.
I have come too far to feel this lonely.
If anyone has insight on how an independent, confident, intelligent woman could survive Hell, then get lonely the minute she meets someone she could really be happy with? I can’t sabotage this.
Please comment and help me out if you have any insight or can relate to what this whole mess of a real healthy relationship is, because its my first chance at this kind of happiness in a long time and I don’t want to mess it up.
Brilliant Distraction 
Hi Alyssa, I haven’t seen you in a very very long time, and I don’t know what kind of hell you went through, but I do know a little something about relationship hell, and I know that it is a very special kind of pain that results. And I think I have an idea of what happens in this scenario you described. Getting over relationship hurt is really hard, and once you have finally gotten over the hump, there is a sense of accomplishment. I am strong! I can do anything! I don’t need anyone else to be happy! But there is still a world out there that pushes people into couples and makes us feel less worthy if we are not in one. There is also something really nice about having those feelings for someone (I think a neuroscientist would chalk it up to oxytocin, but it always feels like more than that to me. Something felt at a much deeper level.) So getting a taste of that is enticing and can remind you of what you’re missing,making it harder to tolerate the moments that were previously so much easier. It feels a little addictive, which can make for feelings of neediness. For me, the key is being in the moment. Noticing that pain when it comes up being alone, but not making the mistake of thinking that I have to DO something about it. Practicing just sitting with it, and remembering that I’m fine just how I am, and that I don’t need anyone else to make me complete. It sounds really cliche, but I coach myself with statements like “I am enough. I can take care of myself. I am whole.” I am in a committed relationship now, but I still have to tell myself those things when I am alone, because the health of my relationship depends partly upon my believing those statements.
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Completely awesome pep talk and I needed to hear that! I want to develop this blog into a sense of community and so I appreciate comments that are insightful and personal! Thank you and I hope you tune in and “follow” or “like” it! My short term goal is to write about all types of relationships here and share it all and invite comments like yours! My long term goal and dream is to write a memoir.
Thank you again!
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