I think many of us have felt the difference between being alone and the stench of loneliness. I think most of us would much rather feel the peace of the downtime we get being alone. I can definitely do alone. I know not everyone can. I am fine with it much of the time. I can’t imagine the idea of living with anyone right now. I would have to be engaged or married, just like I was last time when I moved in with some one, my ex-husband. When I am alone, I am at peace; I can do what I want, no one else is invited to my alone time. It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is. Well, I guess sometimes it does. Usually, though, I can go to the movies alone, go for lunch alone and have absolutely no issue. But sometimes, just sometimes, loneliness rears its ugly, pitiful head. It’s then where being single is a state of affairs full of remorse.
Loneliness sucks. It just does. I can feel it on my own usually when something just inspires me to feel less than in my current single status. I feel it all around at random times that are so hard to predict. Like now, I am in a coffee shop, watching all these couples walk in and think “I wish I was part of that”. I wish I had someone to hang out with at night and first thing in the morning. I feel less than, knowing that if i had what it took to be part of a couple, I would be. So what’s missing. I used to be part of a couple lots of times, mostly through my early twenties and part of my 30s and then when I was married at the end of my 30’s. That’s when I snap out of it typically. I think of how I want to spend my time, with someone I can’t predict, or alone, in the peace of my own hobbies, reading and downtime. Is it that I am so set in my ways, that I can’t make room for someone at my age? Is it that I am sooo hardened, I can not let go and just be vulnerable for the right person. Have I passed by the right person and just been too rigid and uninviting. I am a pretty nice person, but I know that lately its been really hard to just let go. I am rigid with my boundaries and maybe I am keeping out the right person. I am creating my own loneliness, perhaps? The irony of this makes me laugh out loud.
I will try to be less guarded, but aren’t we supposed to be a little guarded? Where’s the balance? Drop me a comment…tell me about your experience.
Music I am listening to: Depeche Mode’s Black Celebration
And she said “Please stop talking”.
When we go our separate ways in any relationship, it is possible to gain insight, left over belongings, and various shrapnel in the form of hurtful words and unsolicited brutal honesty. In this case, I was told we never actually had anything in common and we were not really friends anyway. Which is so interesting because I have long time friendships that are not always built on commonalities, but an actual bond stronger than hobbies and professional and personal ventures. But I digress.
So here I am, just told by this person that we were never really friends because of the way I conduct my life (mind you, I am not a felon or anything like this). I had asked him for the truth about what he thought (were we friends at one point, but not now? What gives?). I need closure, dude!
Did he tell me the truth, yes, and oh so much more! To use an AA term, he completely took my inventory (think Step Four). He pointed out every single shortcoming with brutal, uncompromising, and unfiltered honesty. It’s funny, because I thought we were not even friends. Where does this come from? Insecurities of his own. He’d flat out deny that. I would not air his dirty laundry here, but I can tell you, I restrained during this texting battle with him on offense and me on a weakened defense (I was half asleep). While he had some valid points, they lost credibility with me in part because he admitted he lied to me earlier in the conversation and also because he was not very accurate or relevant on the other points.
This was my last parting gift in a ‘not so real’ friendship. Next time I get into a relationship, I will be more cautious about divulging my hopes, fears, and vented complaints. My lesson in this gift, the gift itself so to speak, is that I need to get to know someone better before divulging all of these emotions. I don’t need to bleed emotion all over someone only to have them criticize me during the messy clean up.
I know I am kinda obsessed about talking about Paris. I mean it, so excited. I can’t wait. Is there any possibility that I am putting off discussing and talking about what my blog is really about, friendships, relationships,etc? That something about being friends with someone important to me and moving on to see if there is someone else that brings me exceptional happiness. My guess, based on my six years of post divorce internet dating, is no.
Through all my experiences with online dating, no one really out there truly available is honest, funny, attractive and intelligent. Sure, these words are pouring all over the profiles. So are the words “looking for relationship”, etc.
In the last week at least, I have found people who state they live in Denver, but they are actually posted overseas for whatever reason for whatever time period. They promise to keep writing back and forth for an indeterminate amount of time. Last time I saw this a year ago, two guys tried to scam me. Of course I got pulled in to emailing them, but once the scam started, I got right out. And of course never heard from them again. The other half of the alleged “relationship seekers” use that as bait and as soon as you sound interested, they start asking about sexual positions and bed size. While a man may feel these are legitimate interview questions, I will maintain that there are other things I’d like to know about a perfect stranger that don’t include their sheet count or how many inches they are blessed or punished with…Jesus, boys. Reign it in a little bit. If you are looking for an actual relationship, these things can come a little later. If you are really about the FWB, it all makes perfect sense. Just be honest…. and this is why I have so much trouble with all this..
I operate on honesty as the highest premise. Sometimes, I don’t like the answer or what is reflected in honesty, but I would take integrity any day of the week. Sometimes knowing something to be true has me thinking about it, obsessed about it and unable to effectively move on. Then I remember, I asked for honesty. And yes, I am blessed when I am gifted with it (even in the dark hours of pretending ignorance is bliss).
I mentioned at the end of Part I that I did not date for a year. I don’t think I could have if I tried. I was a mess. I knew I had to get things settled and resolved in my head before I could seem somewhat appropriate for dating. That was a hard fucking year. My newly estranged husband, soon to be my ex-husband broke a majority, or maybe all, of his promises to me (and my parents). Those broken promises are what put me in bankruptcy. I would have never needed bankruptcy protection because of my own choices (except the choice I made to fall in love and marry him). But that’s neither here not there for this tale. Once I started counseling, hiring a mediocre lawyer (from Florida), and generally getting my life back on track, I decided it was okay to start considering dating.
In 2011, I started up again. WIth dating. While no one seemed quite as dramatic as the ex, there was still some crazy decisions I made. I made some choices that led to humorous exchanges online within the dating sites. I made some questionable choices that led me to some new dramatic episodes. Some choices led to quite UN-dramatic dates. I didn’t feel a spark. It’s as if my spark only ignited with the deranged dramatic ones. Recently (in the last two years or so), there was the prison guard who turned into a supreme douchebag after the second date. Perhaps I should not have spent the night with him. Jus’ saying. And being honest in the process. He kept texting then stopping and then reappearing online messaging me. I would tell him to text me; he kept messaging me that he lost his phone and lost all his contacts (three times?). I told him it was done. I was sending him to the island of lost douchebags. Never to be heard from again (at least not from me). Then after that was the whole ordeal I blogged about last year around October: Relationship Quandary I realized after that ordeal that drama comes in many shapes and sizes. I have a part in all of it. If I don’t recognize this, I am damned and destined to repeat the failure of dating men who bring out the worst in me: insecurity, self -doubt, and neediness. I know these are all pretty much the same thing, but they have their individual qualities in their own shortcomings. I needed to be done with it all. I needed to know outside my friend circle that I could meet a guy and attract him to me. I needed that guy NOT to be someone who I felt these things around.
I have not talked about romantic relationships in a long time because I just didn’t know where my life would go. And plus, the guy from the post above made it patently obvious I fucked things up because I wrote about our relationship on my blog. He had a point. For sure. Except that I had told him each time I blogged and he was like “great, cool. I will have to read that sometime”; only, he never read any posts till the end. That’s when the shit hit the fan with him.
In this past year, I was eventually able to attract a guy that was very un-drama as they came. Smooth sailing. No rip tides. I swore something was absent from the relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. Of that, I was absolutely sure. We ended up just being true good friends, but there’s a moral here.
The moral, the take home message is this: When you are sick and tired of where you have been in relationships, you will have to do something different. I did a few things differently. I was NOT going to be destined for failure. While that relationship ended up in friendship and not the Happily Ever After, it was a MAJOR gift. One that told me a drama-free life with a guy is possible. The only thing missing from that experience was drama.
And you know what? I didn’t miss it at all. The future is promising!
I have taken a week off and it feels so quiet to not be writing. I have also had a lull. I have had a case of writer’s block, or blogger’s block, as the case may be. Then I kept thinking of all these ideas during my attacks of insomnia. I am back!!
I hope no one thought I would be one of those bloggers that has a site up for 3-6 months and then just loses interest. Definitely not the case. I have been doing a lot of work out like posts and that’s because my relationship with myself has been first and foremost in my mind as far as really dedicating myself to self-care. I have some ideas about posts on friendships, because after all, this is a blog about relationships and I want to introduce all types, including the one I have with myself and my female and male friends. I wanted to also post about the importance of our reltatioinships and connections with our pets.
I have also been paying a lot of attention to the music I have been listening to, becoming inspired by those influences s well..
Please leave me a comment if there are any relationships I haven’t mentioned or you would like to hear about.
Music pairing: The music I have been listening during my waking hours the last week or two is from In The Valley Below and their debut album “The Belt”.
Why am I posting exercise and fitness rants when I am supposed to be writing about dating, relationships and communication between males and females as well as female friends? That was the focus, right? Well, I have found that the relationship I have with myself is pretty damn important. If I can’t be happy with the way I look or feel, how can I exude confidence? I can’t. If I can’t, how can I expect others to be confident in me and experience an attract to someone they want to get to know (male or female)? I can’t do that either. I am going go to be successful in the adventures of relationships with guys and my female friends when I am successful in the relationship I have with myself. Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City character) said this pretty exactly in the last episode of Sex and the City Season six, part two.
Enter fitness and exercise. And diet (seemingly my albatross). When I have the tools in my tool chest, I have no excuses. Especially when I have used the tools with success in the last year. I have no one to blame but myself when I am to happy with the way things are going. I love the fitness part. I hate the healthy eating part. Except, I love the way I feel and look when I am successful with healthy eating patterns and habits. I hate the way I feel after eating at McDonalds. Why is it so hard? It makes total sense that I should be fully on board with the “eating right” thing. But I am not. So far from it. This weekend I have consumed the following in no particular order:
- gummy bears
- hot wings and sweet potato fries
- two IPAs
- movie popcorn
- lemon drop martini
- red wine
- omelet with bacon and cheese (don’t forget the potatoes and bread with that please)
- and some other stuff I can’t get remember.
So why is this so hard this year? If I could break through that, I think I could get to the crux of the problem. Just Saturday, I was reminded of my fat content when my personal trainer said “today, we are doing measurements”. Uh? What? I thought the fat caliper measurement was all that we needed to determine how out of shape I was. Clearly, not so much.
I have done the diet, the eating right, the changing of the paradigm. What happened over this last holiday season that got me so far off track? I am going to work on answerig that one, right after I grab a rice cake. Seriously, they are not so bad when you put some white cheddar cheese on top. Just kidding….Not.