Category: Friendships

Colorado: a dating desert

I don’t know how anyone meets an emotionally available, non-drug using, single man in Denver. I have loved this city for decades, but the men? Not so much…. Since men are not a reason to stay or leave a city, I have stayed and loved most of what Colorado has to offer: beautiful mountains, good career, awesome friends and more! Those are the reasons I stay, but honestly, is too much to ask to meet a normal guy? One that doesn’t just want a hook up or lies about their divorce status?  Colorado is essentially a dating desert devoid of truly eligible men. I have heard this from women younger than I am, so I know this is not just me.

I have gone through my non judgmental phase. Sure. I dated a homeless guy (though I didn’t realize it at the time, I confess!) and a guy on public assistance (not that there’s anything wrong with this except I wasn’t allowed at his house because his case manager said its against the rules…this was a drag). How do you avoid guys like this? I did not meet those guys on a dating app. That was before Plenty of Fish, Bumble, Tinder, etc..

Is it so much to ask that the guy have natural teeth, not be accused of killing his wife and/or be free of any deep seeded addiction issues? I am not going to tell you if all these are my personal experiences, but let’s just say, I have the details to back up my experiences.  Scary, I tell you. I thought one of these guys I was starting to date was a nice Jewish guy ( as I happen to be Jewish, this was an interesting detail as there are not loads of single Jewish men in Denver). The guy took me to the synagogue on our first date. On our second date, I went to his house to swim and brought my dogs; how nice it was he invited them. It was great. There could be opinions on going to his house so soon, I am aware!  There were a few off limits topics and I just brushed them off as “maybe he needs to open up later when he knows me more”, but  it was already a red flag in my book that he couldn’t talk about some basic things that you talk about at the beginning of any dating situation; I’ve not come across this shut down before.

It was late at night when some of the topics were shelved and I almost felt like leaving.  I even texted a friend who encouraged me to leave. But I stayed. I had breakfast with him that morning. I left right after breakfast where we talked about my job. He seemed fascinated (because the topic was not him, I imagine). The next day, I shared some details with another friend who did some  digging. Lo and behold- this guy had a past. One too dangerous for me. I have my limits, despite my unlucky dating past.  I just couldn’t be a part of this drama. I texted him as much and never heard from him again, which was the goal as I requested no further contact. Within a minute, he deleted my Bumble profile. I am not sure to this day if he deleted my profile before I texted him but does it matter?

So, I was shocked and floored over the news of this guy’s past (and present, for that matter). I am taking a month or so break from the dating agency I signed up with. They encouraged me to look at other avenues of dating.  I did, and this is where I am. Ugh! So frustrating… but I am going to use this month to just take care of me, my fitness, my diet and healthy lifestyle and my good friends.

If any of you have had a scary dating story or frustrating, drop me a comment. I would LOVE to know I am not alone!!
PS: There is a new guy I met, but I need to do some research first….

MUSIC to listen by: Everything But The Girl’s Walking Wounded

When the skies aren’t so blue…

So, it’s been a while since my last post. Everything has been blue skies and no clouds for a while….this too shall past. Time for a storm to come in. Everything was going so smoothly. Then I started feeling conflict. I felt the first twinges about a week or two ago, during some political discussions. We had a little misunderstanding about politics and out values/opinions. During a period of time that I have been really evaluating my values and core beliefs, this was a critical issue. I think, if I remember right, this came about last week, still in the midst of the  decision regarding Kavanaugh’s fate. And THAT hearing was particularly sensitive for me. Then I found out the guy  was more or less aligned with my values. He makes no political Facebook posts, denouncing one party or another, which is something I respect also. But enough about politics. There was something else.

We live 1-2 hours apart (depending on when you’re traveling and in which direction).  And when we live in our respective towns, we have completely contrasting lifestyles. He took me on a small walk along the river. It was absolutely beautiful; there is no denying that. He took his fishing rod and we started out.  When he swung his rod ,the bait got stuck in my hair. I thought it was an overly aggressive massive bug and  I started messing with my hair; it was stuck. It was a bug, but not a real one….just the bait of a fly fisherman, the guy!  I could definitely laugh about it then, but it gave me pause. Could this life or anything like it be remotely interesting to me? Then we went near the river and I didnt want to go too close with my sneakers…and he suggested next time I get some river shoes. Excuse me? River shoes? Have we met? I am NOT a river shoes kinda gal. No Teva’s for me, or any thing like that!! Not I! I am more of a Tiffany & CO kinda woman.  Now I am all for hikes and dry mountainous adventures. Just no bugs or brush please!  It was then that I realized I do not fit in here. I totally respect that this life style is perfect for him. It’s just not for me.  I may be messing up the time line regarding the river shoes incident and the political/values misunderstanding, but everything started causing me self-doubt about this relationship. I mean, where can this really go?

So, I started to shut down, really not wanting anything with this. I started to come up with the realization that this relationship is completely NOT viable. How can I waste time traveling to and fro a place where I don’t fit in and I am not sure I even want to? I am 49 years old. I can’t just spend time in a relationship that has no future; he has a 3-5 year plan in his town, career wise; and plus, he loves it there. I totally and utterly respect that. I just have no desire to live there, if it should ever come to that. And he really has no plans to leave and come my way. We are at a stalemate-there is no future.

Then I basically ended it on this premise of no future and said we should just be friends and  still go back East in November together and a trip we booked for December as friends. This was a very hard conversation, one of the hardest I have had since my divorce.  I thought I would be relieved and have a load off my mind. Then this budding relationship with no future would be behind me; on to the next, per usual routine.

Damn, was I wrong. So wrong. This was the most painful thing ever and all I could do was cry every day and I was sad. Like really crushed. And I was doing the crushing, flipping the script on this guy when I had previously been so into the relationship. How in the world could this be happening? I talked to friends and a therapist. After crying and  feeling horrible and a LOT of self-reflection, I realized a few key things.

I am scared. I have never had a relationship go so right from the get go. Go right and hold off on physical intimacy and be successful.  While I am not sabotaging this because I feel I don’t deserve this and ending it because I am not worthy ( I know I am), this relationship flow is completely out of my comfort zone. Out of bounds. Not in the ball park of any relationship in the last 25 years. Even and especially my former marriage. So  maybe I didn’t realize I was so much in fear of something like this happening. I like being in control of a situation and I definitely am not experienced with a non-physical successful relationship. So I shut down. Ruling out any and all the possibilities based on distance and life style,  convincing myself I was just being true to myself. Which maybe I am/was, but how can things be right with this if I am crying and hysterically sad daily.  I loved when we talked the first thing in the morning and last thing at night. When I could tell him everything and he actually is interested and engaged in my day.

So we talked. A lot. We will see if this can be worked through. I have hope. I like him an awful lot; and I kinda think he likes me also.

 

I’m listening to : Stars all seem to weep by Beth Orton

Skies are blue, not a cloud in sight…

So I have always wondered if this is a thing in relationships. Not forever, obviously, but at least for mere moments at a time. I have asked myself if things can just be normal and smooth sailing, no sudden wind changes, no sudden black clouds out of no where for some solid period of space and time. I honestly saw it in other people’s lives with their significant others. I just didn’t think it would be possible for me.

But yet, it is! It’s all possible. I shared  a few weeks ago in  this  post:There’s a nice guy out there, right? that there may be a real guy out there who is respectful, honest, funny, nice and not afraid to commit. And still not the pressuring type.  Not only did he commit to hanging out with  just me, but to a vacation in December. Yeah, I know! Three whole months away!! I am so excited. Now, between now and then there may be a gray sky now and then, but with a month of no gray skies, I am hopeful the trend will continue, for at least a while.  By this, I don’t mean that every day is perfect in itself. But shared with him, I don’t have the anxiety the comes from distrust or bad instincts. I don’t have the frustration from expectations placed too high. Things have been good with equal give and take on both sides.  And what I shared in my first post about this guy still stands. All of it!

And if it’s possible for me, it’s possible for you too!!

 

Being alone is not a “Plus One” event

I think many of us have felt the difference between being alone and the stench of loneliness. I think most of us would much rather feel the peace of the downtime we get being alone. I can definitely do alone. I know not everyone can. I am fine with it much of the time. I can’t imagine the idea of living with anyone right now. I would have to be engaged or married, just like I was last time when I moved in with some one, my ex-husband.  When I am alone, I am at peace; I can do what I want, no one else is invited to my alone time. It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is.  Well, I guess sometimes it does. Usually, though, I can go to the movies alone, go for lunch alone and have absolutely no issue.  But sometimes, just sometimes, loneliness rears its ugly, pitiful head. It’s then where being single is a state of affairs full of remorse.

Loneliness sucks. It just does.  I can feel it on my own usually when something just inspires me to feel less than in my current single status. I feel it  all around at random times that are so hard to predict. Like now, I am in a coffee shop, watching all these couples walk in and think “I wish I was part of that”. I wish I had someone to hang out with at night and first thing in the morning.  I feel less than, knowing that if i had what it took to be part of a couple, I  would be. So what’s missing. I used to be part of a couple lots of times, mostly through my early twenties and part of my 30s and then when I was married at the end of my 30’s. That’s when I snap out of it typically. I think of how I want to spend my time, with someone I can’t predict, or alone, in the peace of my own hobbies,  reading and downtime. Is it that I am so set in my ways, that I can’t make room for someone at my age? Is it that I am sooo hardened, I can not let go and just be vulnerable for the right person. Have I passed by the right person and just been too rigid and uninviting. I am a pretty nice person, but I know that lately its been really hard to just let go. I am rigid with my boundaries and maybe I am keeping out the right person. I am creating my own loneliness, perhaps? The irony of this makes me laugh out loud.

I will try to be less guarded, but aren’t we supposed to be a little guarded? Where’s the balance?  Drop me a comment…tell me about your experience.

 

Music I am listening to: Depeche Mode’s Black Celebration

Parting gift….

When we go our separate ways in any relationship, it is possible to gain insight, left over belongings, and various shrapnel in the form of hurtful words and unsolicited brutal honesty.  In this case, I was told we never actually had anything in common and we were not really friends anyway.  Which is so interesting because I have long time friendships that are not always built on commonalities, but an actual bond stronger than hobbies and professional and personal ventures.  But I digress.

So here I am, just told  by this person  that we were never really friends because of the way I conduct my life (mind you, I am not a felon or anything like this).  I had asked him for the truth about what he thought (were we friends at one point, but not now? What gives?). I need closure, dude!

Did he tell me the truth, yes,  and oh so much more! To use an AA term, he completely took my inventory (think Step Four).  He pointed out every single shortcoming with brutal, uncompromising, and unfiltered honesty. It’s funny, because I thought we were not even friends. Where does this come from? Insecurities of his own. He’d flat out deny that. I would not air his dirty laundry here, but I can tell you, I restrained during this texting battle with him on  offense and me on a weakened defense (I was half asleep).  While he had some valid points, they lost credibility with me in part because he admitted he lied to me earlier in the conversation and also because he was not very accurate or relevant on the other points.

This was my last parting gift in a ‘not so real’ friendship. Next time I get into a relationship, I will be more cautious  about divulging my hopes, fears, and vented complaints.  My lesson in this gift, the gift itself so to speak, is that I need to get to know someone better before divulging all of these emotions.  I don’t need to bleed emotion all over someone only to have them criticize me during the messy clean up.

A break from Paris…

 

I know I am kinda obsessed about talking about Paris. I mean it, so excited. I can’t wait. Is there any possibility that I am putting off discussing and talking about what my blog is really about, friendships, relationships,etc? That something about being friends with someone important to me and moving on to see if there is someone else that brings me exceptional happiness. My guess, based on my six years of post divorce internet dating, is no.

Through all my experiences with online dating, no one really out there truly available is honest, funny, attractive and intelligent. Sure, these words are pouring all over the profiles. So are the words “looking for relationship”, etc.

In the last week at least, I have found people who state they live in Denver, but they are actually posted overseas for whatever reason for whatever time period. They promise to keep writing back and forth for an indeterminate amount of time. Last time I saw this a year ago, two guys tried to scam me. Of course I got pulled in to emailing them, but once the scam started, I got right out. And of course never heard from them again. The other half of the alleged “relationship seekers” use that as bait and as soon as you sound interested, they start asking about sexual positions and bed size. While a man may feel these are legitimate interview questions, I will maintain that there are other things I’d like to know about a perfect stranger that don’t include their sheet count or how many inches they are blessed or punished with…Jesus, boys. Reign it in a little bit. If you are looking for an actual relationship, these things can come a little later. If you are really about the FWB, it all makes perfect sense. Just be honest…. and this is why I have so much trouble with all this..

I operate on honesty as the highest premise. Sometimes, I don’t like the answer or what is reflected in honesty, but I would take integrity any day of the week. Sometimes knowing something to be true has me thinking about it, obsessed about it and unable to effectively move on. Then I remember, I asked for honesty. And yes, I am blessed when I am gifted with it (even in the dark hours of pretending ignorance is bliss).

There’s something missing: Part II

I mentioned at the end of Part I that I did not date for a year. I don’t think I could have if I tried. I was a mess. I knew I had to get things settled and resolved in my head before I could seem somewhat appropriate for dating.  That was a hard fucking year. My newly estranged husband, soon to be my ex-husband broke a majority, or maybe all, of his promises to me (and my parents).  Those broken promises are what put me in bankruptcy. I would have never needed bankruptcy protection because of my own choices (except the choice I made to fall in love and marry him).  But that’s neither here not there for this tale.  Once I started counseling, hiring a mediocre lawyer (from Florida), and generally getting my life back on track, I decided it was okay to start considering dating.

In 2011, I started up again. WIth dating. While no one seemed quite as dramatic as the ex, there was still some crazy decisions I made. I made some choices that led to humorous exchanges online within the dating sites. I made some questionable choices that led me to some new dramatic episodes. Some choices led to quite UN-dramatic dates. I didn’t feel a spark. It’s as if my spark only ignited with the deranged dramatic ones. Recently (in the last two years or so),  there was the prison guard who turned into a supreme douchebag after the second date. Perhaps I should not have spent the night with him. Jus’ saying. And being honest in the process. He kept texting then stopping and then reappearing online messaging me. I would tell him to text me; he kept messaging me that he lost his phone and lost all his contacts (three times?). I told him it was done.  I was sending him to the island of lost douchebags. Never to be heard from again (at least not from me).  Then after that was the whole ordeal I blogged about last year around October:  Relationship Quandary I realized after that ordeal  that drama comes in many shapes and sizes. I  have a part in  all of it. If I don’t recognize this, I am damned and destined to repeat the failure of dating men who bring out the worst in me: insecurity, self -doubt,  and neediness. I know these are all pretty much the same thing, but they have their individual qualities in their own shortcomings. I needed to be done with it all. I needed to know outside my friend circle that I could meet a guy and attract him to me. I needed that guy NOT to be someone who I felt these things around.

I have not talked about romantic relationships in a long time because I just didn’t know where my life would go. And plus, the  guy from the post above made it patently obvious I fucked things up because I wrote about our relationship on my blog. He had a point. For sure. Except that I had told him each time I blogged and he was like “great, cool. I will have to read that sometime”; only, he never read any posts till the end. That’s when the shit hit the fan with him.

In this past year, I was eventually able to attract a guy that was very un-drama as they came. Smooth sailing. No rip tides.  I swore something was absent from the relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. Of that, I was absolutely sure. We ended up just being true good friends, but there’s a moral here.

The moral, the take home message is this: When you are sick and tired of where you have been in relationships, you will have to do something different. I did a few things differently. I was NOT going to be destined for failure. While that relationship ended up in friendship and not the Happily Ever After, it was a MAJOR gift. One that told me a drama-free life with a guy is possible.  The only thing missing from that experience was drama.

And you know what? I didn’t miss it at all.  The future is promising!

Sorry for the radio silence…new ideas are percolating!

I have taken a week off and it feels so quiet to not be writing. I have also had a lull. I have had a case of writer’s block, or blogger’s block, as the case may be.  Then I kept thinking of all these ideas during my attacks of insomnia. I am back!!

I hope no one thought I would be one of those bloggers that has a site up for 3-6 months and then just loses interest. Definitely not the case.  I have been doing a lot of work out like posts and that’s because my relationship with myself has been first and foremost in my mind as far as really dedicating myself to self-care.  I have some ideas about posts on friendships, because after all, this is a blog about relationships and I want to introduce all types, including the one I have with myself and my female and male friends.  I wanted to also post about the importance of our reltatioinships and connections with our pets.  

I have also been paying a lot of attention to the music I have been listening to, becoming inspired by those influences s well.. 

Please leave me a comment if there are any relationships I haven’t mentioned or you would like to hear about.
Music pairing: The music I have been listening during my waking hours the last week or two is from In The Valley Below and their debut album “The Belt”. 

Off track…featuring gummy bears and lemon drop martinis

Why am I posting exercise and fitness rants when I am supposed to be writing about dating, relationships and communication between males and females as well as female friends?  That was the focus, right? Well, I have found that the relationship I have with myself is pretty damn important. If I can’t be happy with the way I look or feel, how can I exude confidence? I can’t. If I can’t, how can I expect others to be confident in me and experience an attract to someone they want to get to know (male or female)? I can’t do that either. I am going go to be successful in the adventures of relationships with guys and my female friends when I am successful in the relationship I have with myself. Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City character) said this pretty exactly in the last episode of Sex and the City Season six, part two.

Enter fitness and exercise.  And diet (seemingly my albatross). When I have the tools in my tool chest, I have no excuses. Especially when I have used the tools with success in the last year. I have no one to blame but myself when I am to happy with the way things are going. I love the fitness part. I hate the healthy eating part.  Except, I love the way I feel and look when I am successful with healthy eating patterns and habits. I hate the way I feel after eating at  McDonalds. Why is it so hard? It makes total sense that I should be fully on board with the “eating right” thing. But I am not. So far from it. This weekend I have consumed the following in no particular order:

  • gummy bears
  • hot wings and sweet potato fries
  • two IPAs
  • movie popcorn
  • lemon drop martini
  • red wine
  • omelet with bacon and cheese (don’t forget the potatoes and bread with that please)
  • and some other stuff I can’t get remember.

So why is this so hard this year? If I could break through that, I think I could get to the crux of the problem. Just Saturday, I was reminded of my fat content when my personal trainer said “today, we are doing measurements”. Uh? What? I thought the fat caliper measurement was all that we needed to determine how out of shape I was. Clearly, not so much.

I have done the diet, the eating right, the changing of the paradigm. What happened over this last holiday season that got me so far off track? I am going to work on answerig that one, right after I grab a rice cake.  Seriously, they are not so bad when you  put some white cheddar cheese on top. Just kidding….Not.