I know I am kinda obsessed about talking about Paris. I mean it, so excited. I can’t wait. Is there any possibility that I am putting off discussing and talking about what my blog is really about, friendships, relationships,etc? That something about being friends with someone important to me and moving on to see if there is someone else that brings me exceptional happiness. My guess, based on my six years of post divorce internet dating, is no.
Through all my experiences with online dating, no one really out there truly available is honest, funny, attractive and intelligent. Sure, these words are pouring all over the profiles. So are the words “looking for relationship”, etc.
In the last week at least, I have found people who state they live in Denver, but they are actually posted overseas for whatever reason for whatever time period. They promise to keep writing back and forth for an indeterminate amount of time. Last time I saw this a year ago, two guys tried to scam me. Of course I got pulled in to emailing them, but once the scam started, I got right out. And of course never heard from them again. The other half of the alleged “relationship seekers” use that as bait and as soon as you sound interested, they start asking about sexual positions and bed size. While a man may feel these are legitimate interview questions, I will maintain that there are other things I’d like to know about a perfect stranger that don’t include their sheet count or how many inches they are blessed or punished with…Jesus, boys. Reign it in a little bit. If you are looking for an actual relationship, these things can come a little later. If you are really about the FWB, it all makes perfect sense. Just be honest…. and this is why I have so much trouble with all this..
I operate on honesty as the highest premise. Sometimes, I don’t like the answer or what is reflected in honesty, but I would take integrity any day of the week. Sometimes knowing something to be true has me thinking about it, obsessed about it and unable to effectively move on. Then I remember, I asked for honesty. And yes, I am blessed when I am gifted with it (even in the dark hours of pretending ignorance is bliss).
I mentioned at the end of Part I that I did not date for a year. I don’t think I could have if I tried. I was a mess. I knew I had to get things settled and resolved in my head before I could seem somewhat appropriate for dating. That was a hard fucking year. My newly estranged husband, soon to be my ex-husband broke a majority, or maybe all, of his promises to me (and my parents). Those broken promises are what put me in bankruptcy. I would have never needed bankruptcy protection because of my own choices (except the choice I made to fall in love and marry him). But that’s neither here not there for this tale. Once I started counseling, hiring a mediocre lawyer (from Florida), and generally getting my life back on track, I decided it was okay to start considering dating.
In 2011, I started up again. WIth dating. While no one seemed quite as dramatic as the ex, there was still some crazy decisions I made. I made some choices that led to humorous exchanges online within the dating sites. I made some questionable choices that led me to some new dramatic episodes. Some choices led to quite UN-dramatic dates. I didn’t feel a spark. It’s as if my spark only ignited with the deranged dramatic ones. Recently (in the last two years or so), there was the prison guard who turned into a supreme douchebag after the second date. Perhaps I should not have spent the night with him. Jus’ saying. And being honest in the process. He kept texting then stopping and then reappearing online messaging me. I would tell him to text me; he kept messaging me that he lost his phone and lost all his contacts (three times?). I told him it was done. I was sending him to the island of lost douchebags. Never to be heard from again (at least not from me). Then after that was the whole ordeal I blogged about last year around October: Relationship Quandary I realized after that ordeal that drama comes in many shapes and sizes. I have a part in all of it. If I don’t recognize this, I am damned and destined to repeat the failure of dating men who bring out the worst in me: insecurity, self -doubt, and neediness. I know these are all pretty much the same thing, but they have their individual qualities in their own shortcomings. I needed to be done with it all. I needed to know outside my friend circle that I could meet a guy and attract him to me. I needed that guy NOT to be someone who I felt these things around.
I have not talked about romantic relationships in a long time because I just didn’t know where my life would go. And plus, the guy from the post above made it patently obvious I fucked things up because I wrote about our relationship on my blog. He had a point. For sure. Except that I had told him each time I blogged and he was like “great, cool. I will have to read that sometime”; only, he never read any posts till the end. That’s when the shit hit the fan with him.
In this past year, I was eventually able to attract a guy that was very un-drama as they came. Smooth sailing. No rip tides. I swore something was absent from the relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. Of that, I was absolutely sure. We ended up just being true good friends, but there’s a moral here.
The moral, the take home message is this: When you are sick and tired of where you have been in relationships, you will have to do something different. I did a few things differently. I was NOT going to be destined for failure. While that relationship ended up in friendship and not the Happily Ever After, it was a MAJOR gift. One that told me a drama-free life with a guy is possible. The only thing missing from that experience was drama.
And you know what? I didn’t miss it at all. The future is promising!
I have taken a week off and it feels so quiet to not be writing. I have also had a lull. I have had a case of writer’s block, or blogger’s block, as the case may be. Then I kept thinking of all these ideas during my attacks of insomnia. I am back!!
I hope no one thought I would be one of those bloggers that has a site up for 3-6 months and then just loses interest. Definitely not the case. I have been doing a lot of work out like posts and that’s because my relationship with myself has been first and foremost in my mind as far as really dedicating myself to self-care. I have some ideas about posts on friendships, because after all, this is a blog about relationships and I want to introduce all types, including the one I have with myself and my female and male friends. I wanted to also post about the importance of our reltatioinships and connections with our pets.
I have also been paying a lot of attention to the music I have been listening to, becoming inspired by those influences s well..
Please leave me a comment if there are any relationships I haven’t mentioned or you would like to hear about.
Music pairing: The music I have been listening during my waking hours the last week or two is from In The Valley Below and their debut album “The Belt”.
Why am I posting exercise and fitness rants when I am supposed to be writing about dating, relationships and communication between males and females as well as female friends? That was the focus, right? Well, I have found that the relationship I have with myself is pretty damn important. If I can’t be happy with the way I look or feel, how can I exude confidence? I can’t. If I can’t, how can I expect others to be confident in me and experience an attract to someone they want to get to know (male or female)? I can’t do that either. I am going go to be successful in the adventures of relationships with guys and my female friends when I am successful in the relationship I have with myself. Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City character) said this pretty exactly in the last episode of Sex and the City Season six, part two.
Enter fitness and exercise. And diet (seemingly my albatross). When I have the tools in my tool chest, I have no excuses. Especially when I have used the tools with success in the last year. I have no one to blame but myself when I am to happy with the way things are going. I love the fitness part. I hate the healthy eating part. Except, I love the way I feel and look when I am successful with healthy eating patterns and habits. I hate the way I feel after eating at McDonalds. Why is it so hard? It makes total sense that I should be fully on board with the “eating right” thing. But I am not. So far from it. This weekend I have consumed the following in no particular order:
- gummy bears
- hot wings and sweet potato fries
- two IPAs
- movie popcorn
- lemon drop martini
- red wine
- omelet with bacon and cheese (don’t forget the potatoes and bread with that please)
- and some other stuff I can’t get remember.
So why is this so hard this year? If I could break through that, I think I could get to the crux of the problem. Just Saturday, I was reminded of my fat content when my personal trainer said “today, we are doing measurements”. Uh? What? I thought the fat caliper measurement was all that we needed to determine how out of shape I was. Clearly, not so much.
I have done the diet, the eating right, the changing of the paradigm. What happened over this last holiday season that got me so far off track? I am going to work on answerig that one, right after I grab a rice cake. Seriously, they are not so bad when you put some white cheddar cheese on top. Just kidding….Not.
via Daily Prompt: Symbiosis
Am I too cynical? When is symbiosis beneficial to both parties? I haven’t seen this often enough. There is always some power play. Maybe we could be symbiotic in some equal-ish transfer of different contributions, money, emotional support, intellect, sex….the list goes on. The transfer can be fluid. I suppose if both people absolutely are equal in their need for the other’s contributions to the relationship, then the symbiosis is copacetic. All good.
But when is it EVER a perfect balance of power? When we are so invested in the others success? Is it because our success depends too heavily on the others? I wish I could think about all the lovely ecosystems and symbiosis in nature. That would be so cool here in the world of human behavior in relationships. It’s just now where my head goes. My head goes to dysfunction in the so-called symbiosis of relationships I have seen (not just my own, mind you).
In human relationships (take your pick), when are the scaled perfectly balanced to create a genuine symbiosis?
I am in a most most interesting mood. I feel like the most surreal thing is about to happen. I remember five years ago starting trudging the worst financial hill I have ever faced: a Chapter 13 bankruptcy. You know, the kind where you pay back a portion in monthly amounts equaling about 40% of your take home pay? I’m not kidding. I wasn’t sure if I had the fortitude to get through this . It was going to be tough.
Despite advice, I moved to live more cheaply. Did I save any more money? Of course not. I did however breathe and able to make ends meet with the help of support from friends and family. I am not just talking about financial support. I couldn’t believe them when they said “it will be over before you know it”, “five years is not forever”, “you’ll be fine”….the platitudes were sweet, but no, I didn’t believe any of it. It was the worst financial black cloud ever.
Did I get through it? YES! I am here to tel you, it is possible to get through a very dark period and finally be done with everything. Sure, I still have to wait for the discharge from the court which will come in a few months. But I am making my last payment Tuesday. I am ecstatic. My friends and family were right! I made it. It wasn’t forever. Yeah, it sucked. I am not to going to lie. It was hard, especially when I wouldn’t be in this position if it weren’t for my ex-husband. He happened to announce last summer to the court and all everyone interested that he was spending the summer in Antigua. I am working full-time to give 40% of my take home income to pay for something he never took responsibility for. Am I bitter? Yes, but I should be. I get to these points recently where I just want to put the whole thing behind me, but I get angry sometimes. I get resentful.And him going to Antigua, not owning up to his responsibility (the reason I am in bankruptcy) is hard to hear sometimes. Just saying.
Do I share these feelings of bitterness and resentment with friends and family? Yes. A therapist? Absolutely yes. The end is near and they were all right….its going to be just fine. In fact, it already is.
If you are facing something that you don’t think you can possibly muster up the strength for, leave me a comment. Perhaps I can share specific things I did to get through this five-year dark cloud.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Music paring: The soundtrack from the remake of The Saint (1997). You can listen to the likes of Moby, Sneaker Pimps, Luscious Jackson and others.
I think that it may be nice to have a regular series to look forward to every week. Throwback Thursdays are going to be exactly what you expect, a walk down memory lane every Thursday. Some humor, some ridiculous insanity, and a little romance… sometimes.
I’ll try to dig up a photo of myself back in the day and post it. If I can find one suitable for print! I would like to start my series looking at all kinds of relationships and reflecting on how they shaped my view on friendships with men and women and dating the guys that come into my life highly irregularly.
I hope to see you all everyday, but I look forward to hearing feedback about Throwback Thursdays!
Have an awesome weekend!