Friendships – Page 2 – Brilliant Distraction

Symbiosis: Are the scales ever balanced?

Am I too cynical? When is symbiosis beneficial to both parties? I haven’t seen this often enough. There is always some power play. Maybe we could be symbiotic in some equal-ish transfer of different contributions, money, emotional support, intellect, sex….the list goes on. The transfer can be fluid. I suppose if both people absolutely are equal in their need for the other’s contributions to the relationship, then the symbiosis is copacetic. All good.

But when is it EVER a perfect balance of power? When we are so invested in the others success? Is it because our success depends too heavily on the others? I wish I could think about all the lovely ecosystems and symbiosis in nature. That would be so cool here in the world of human behavior in relationships. It’s just now where my head goes. My head goes to dysfunction in the so-called symbiosis of relationships I have seen (not just my own, mind you).

In human relationships (take your pick), when are the scaled perfectly balanced to create a genuine symbiosis?

So happy I could cry…

I am in a most most interesting mood. I feel like the most surreal thing is about to happen. I remember five years ago starting trudging the worst financial hill I have ever faced: a Chapter 13 bankruptcy. You know, the kind where you pay back a portion in monthly amounts equaling about 40% of your take home pay? I’m not kidding. I wasn’t sure if I had the fortitude to get through this . It was going to be tough.

Despite advice, I moved to live more cheaply. Did I save any more money? Of course not. I did however breathe and able to make ends meet with the help of support from friends and family. I am not just talking about financial support. I couldn’t believe them when they said “it will be over before you know it”, “five years is not forever”, “you’ll be fine”….the platitudes were sweet, but no, I didn’t believe any of it. It was the worst financial black cloud ever.

Did I get through it? YES! I am here to tel you, it is possible to get through a very dark period and finally be done with everything. Sure, I still have to wait for the discharge from the court which will come in a few months. But I am making my last payment Tuesday. I am ecstatic. My friends and family were right! I made it. It wasn’t forever. Yeah, it sucked. I am not to going to lie. It was hard, especially when I wouldn’t be in this position if it weren’t for my ex-husband. He happened to announce last summer to the court and all everyone interested that he was spending the summer in Antigua. I am working full-time to give 40% of my take home income to pay for something he never took responsibility for. Am I bitter? Yes, but I should be. I get to these points recently where I just want to put the whole thing behind me, but I get angry sometimes. I get resentful.And him going to Antigua, not owning up to his responsibility (the reason I am in bankruptcy) is hard to hear sometimes. Just saying.

Do I share these feelings of bitterness and resentment with friends and family? Yes. A therapist? Absolutely yes. The end is near and they were all right….its going to be just fine. In fact, it already is.

If you are facing something that you don’t think you can possibly muster up the strength for, leave me a comment. Perhaps I can share specific things I did to get through this five-year dark cloud.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Music paring: The soundtrack from the remake of The Saint (1997). You can listen to the likes of Moby, Sneaker Pimps, Luscious Jackson and others.

A new series: Throwback Thursdays

I think that it may be nice to have a regular series to look forward to every week. Throwback Thursdays are going to be exactly what you expect, a walk down memory lane every Thursday. Some humor, some ridiculous insanity, and a little romance… sometimes.

I’ll try to dig up a photo of myself back in the day and post it. If I can find one suitable for print! I would like to start my series looking at all kinds of relationships and reflecting on how they shaped my view on friendships with men and women and dating the guys that come into my life highly irregularly.

I hope to see you all everyday, but I look forward to hearing feedback about Throwback Thursdays!

Have an awesome weekend!

Me, Myself & I: my relationship with alone time

So, I have to confess that quite some time ago, the notion of having a weekend of no plans was terrifying. A 48 hour plus period of time where I need to spend time just with myself would have forced me into a tizzy of “What do I do, where can I go? Who should I call?” and a most uncomfortable, unsettling feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin would set in a self-imposed sense of doom. Maybe it brought back memories of being unpopular, alone, and scared. Back in the day, I went out all the time, even by myself to clubs etc….just to be with others and NOT all by myself. Because what could I possibly do on my own that could have value?

Turns out I LOVE alone time. I love the freedom of no accountability for 48 hours. Well, that’s not completely true. I don’t totally disconnect these days. I just merely love the idea of not making plans or feeling like I have to do any specific thing. Today, I am blessed with a few friends. I don’t feel the need to make a ton of superficial contacts just so I have someone to do something with. Being comfortable being alone does not mean I like to isolate. It does not. It means I walk confidently into a restaurant and say “Table for one please” or go to the movies: “One for Manchester By The Sea please” (that was my most recent solo venture)…..I’ve done this for a long time and it feels uttlery grafiying and supremely fantastic.

Being comfortable in my own skin to stay home or go out and do when I want when I want is freedom that I did not previously allow myself until I entered my early 30’s. My first solo vacation (not family oriented) was when I was about 30 and traveled to Mexico on my own. That liberated me. It was the turning point. “If I can travel to Mexico alone, I can do anything in Denver alone,” was my thinking. And damn. That was just the beginning. After countless restaurants and movies and trips alone to Mexico since, I can safely say I can’t imagine being restricted by having a mate to travel with or see movies with. I can be alone at home and watch what I want or go out to the movies solo and not wait for someone to want to see the exact same thing. I don’t have to go to bar just to be near people. I am fine. On my own. Any time of the day. Whether my friend travels with me to Paris this year (which would be the best girl’s trip ever) or not, I know I am good on my own, which liberates me and my friend at the same time. Paris is possible all on my own.

Now, I’m not going to pretend I don’t need people, period. OF COURSE I DO. I think it’s more of a question of wanting people in my life. To an extent, I need people for normal socialization. I generally just feel I want certain people in my life. I don’t per se, need them to have my own value as a person. I value myself as myself, solo. People I choose to have in my life are there because I want them. Whether they are family, different female friends, work friends or relationships of a romantic nature. I choose them and I hope they choose me. Last year, I unfriended and blocked a lot of people on Facebook because I realized they really chose to not be friends with me or I didn’t have a genuine relationship with them. It was so liberating to know that Facebook is now full of people I want in my life. There are more to add and more to subtract, but its liberating to know I choose what I want in my life and don’t need to have someone in my life for whatever reason.

So what to do this weekend? Besides blogging, I think I would like to catch up on a movie or two. Hanging out with my puggle on the couch with popcorn rewatching “Amy” sounds cool also. I have so many options!

Have a fantastic weekend, whether you are flying solo or with great friends and family!

Townie

I have these memories of different experiences that get brought up to the surface when I watch movies and listen to music. So there’s this one movie that actually makes me think of many, many different experiences and relationships in the span of less than 2 hours. Yep: Good Will Hunting. The most predominant memory is from college. The geography isn’t identical, but I can definitely relate. There are a few people I am still friends with that may have some relationship to this story; like all of my experiences, I keep everything anonymous. I loved this movie, but when the parts that make me cry come on the screen, I realize it’s a combination of different parts of my life are simply culminating simultaneously. It is mostly the memory of the townie (as we called the Will Hunting types)?

I went to a small liberal arts college in eastern PA. In a slightly economically depressed area (at least then). Somehow, my friends and I met up with a guy about town. He did not go to our college. I am pretty confident he didn’t go to any college or school near by. In our little college area, he was what we called a townie. It’s not the nicest term. Or judgement free. I am well aware of that. This is my 18ish year old mind and not quite open to the people who had chosen another path. There was a lot to say about this guy C. And nothing at all. We spent some time with him. I think I hooked up with him a few times, at least once in my vague memory. I don’t think he EVER came to my dorm, but I remember sneaking in his house. He was not allowed to be there. We snuck in late at night and had to leave by the window, I think. This seems insane, I know. And the fact I may have done this more than once. It was a most foreign idea that you wouldn’t have access to your own bedroom, being kicked out of your home. It kind of seemed foreign that you didn’t want to go to college. It didn’t occur to me that some people maybe weren’t provided the choice or it wasn’t an option. I honestly was so closed up in a bubble and going to an independent college with ivy growing on the walls that it didn’t occur to me. That didn’t mean I wasn’t open to learning about people and having interesting experiences. I engaged in so many new experiences. I was too young for regrets. This townie taught me magic tricks. This townie introduced me to an alternate universe. A universe in which parents were not generally present in their children’s lives or supportive. Possibly, looking back, this was the universe of tough love. Perhaps C. was a fuck-up. After spring break that year, he forever disappeared forever. But by then my life was forever changed by this guy C., the mysterious townie.

Music pairing: as inspired by the movie, listen to Baker Street. I believe it is on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack.

Good secrets, bad secrets…: My introduction to a three part series on what my marriage taught me

Are secrets okay? Are we only as sick as our secrets? Why do we keep secrets? I feel that sometimes we keep other people’s secrets and some of our own to preserve a bit of privacy and dignity, some self-respect and a dash of mystery. We keep secrets about arriving baby gender, relationships (of any type), opinions on work, money and politics. We do this to keep the peace and keep our opinions and personal history to ourselves. Is there anything wrong with this? Other times, our secrets aren’t based in any nobility.

Our other secrets are not based on dignity, respect or privacy. These secrets build upon each other, slowly growing till they get so big. Then airing out these well-kept skeletons is so daunting, it’s scary. Super scary. If we wait long enough, the secrets create a solid icon clad wall. The wall is fused with pride, fear, and insecurity including financial and emotional. To get through this from the inside out we have to be strong. SO strong. This is the part that can really suck. Like.Really.Suck. We can’t expect others to get in if we can’t even get out. These are the secrets that make us sick and poisoned inside. Poisoned by the pride that makes us feel that we are better than you. The toxic insecurity that makes you NEVER as good as. These secrets that destroy us. Unless…..

Unless we can talk or write or get out alive. This is why I want to write about what my marriage taught me. I can write about it. I want to share it because if it gives you pause, if it makes you think about how you view something sour and wretched and awful, then I say thank you. I have done my job writing this three part post series:

Part I: What my marriage taught me about my relationship with money

Part II: What my marriage taught me about fear

Part III: What my marriage taught me about me and future interpersonal/romantic relationships

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I am going to ask for your input, your experience, how your last relationship prepared you for the next one!
Stay tuned!!

I continue to wear these jeans since my very first post about them. I think they are magical. They give me courage. They also make me cold as you can see the holes! Perhaps I will shelf them for a warmer season or even a warmer Colorado day! They are the jeans I wear when I self-doubt my ability to get through these next three measly months. They are the jeans I choose when I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. Miraculously, I am usually 99% comfortable as is, but sometimes I need to put something on that makes me feel I can do anything. These jeans are that “something”. Pending snow, I think I will wear them on my next day off. I could use an extra special something this week.

Have an amazing week and let this last week of 2016 be your inspiration for an impeccably awesome 2017. Nothing is perfect, but I strive to move forward! How about you?

What do you wear or bring with you to get a handle on comfort?

The “holidays”

I am Jewish, but I’m not religious. Since it’s hard to be a religious Jew with eight tattoos. The part during the “holidays” that makes me cringe is when people assume I resent being greeted with a “merry Christmas” because I am Jewish. How could I possibly resent a pleasant holiday greeting from a total stranger? How could I hate your generosity in thinking of saying “merry Christmas” to me? How could I possibly be offended by goodwill? Tis the season!

But then there are the people who may be aware that I may not be Christian or don’t care or know and they usually end up saying “happy holidays”; the holidays, being the ones that happen generally at the end of the year and nothing really specific. Okay, I’ll gladly take their friendly holiday wishes too! They are trying to not “offend” non Christians and I think that’s pretty cool, but it still doesn’t make a big difference; you thought of me and reached out to wish me a great holiday season. Thank you. I mean that sincerely.

Then there are those few people who know me. They wish me a “happy Chanukah”. They know me. And that’s pretty cool.

Whatever you celebrate, have an amazing end of year! I plan to blog a lot in these last few weeks. I am feeling inspired. I almost wished you all a happy Chanukah, but I lost my nerve during spell check!

Please please please share your thoughts on the holiday spirit and how you express it with others, especially strangers!

With a little help from my friends

Its been a crazy week, but I am glad to be back here. I have been working on a very special project, my gift to myself in 2017. I am going to Paris in September (sounds amazing just writing it…makes it real, palpable). I just spent the last week or so arranging flights that were gifted to me. For that, I am beyond beholden to a few people; they know who they are. I have no words beyond that pure gratitude expressed to those people. I then arranged to lease an apartment through a personal Parisian connection. Things are coming together nicely and I couldn’t be happier. After a five-year bankruptcy due to a marriage that I’ve alluded to here and there, I realize I do have wings. I am going to fly.

The last five years have been rough. I am not going to lie. Its been hard. Yes, that hard and then a little more. I have worked meticulously to not live in misery and resentment. I vowed that I wouldn’t give my ex-husband that much power.I refuse to let him ruin my whole life. Financially, yes, I was screwed. I did not allow him to cloud my behavior, my judgment, my opportunities because he captured my pocketbook. I refused. I wasn’t going to stand for it. This five-year period ends March 31, 2017. Yes, I think I am going to celebrate it. I worked hard for the party, so why not!

So clearly, I didn’t do this on my own. There is no way I could have sustained a workable, breathable, and tolerable existence seeking simple vindication and complex and continuous court orders without the help of family and friends….and yes… a pretty decent therapist. I told you from this blog’s inception that I would be as honest I could be here. The provenance of its inspiration is my heart and sometimes my mind if my heart doesn’t see clearly. I don’t get to say I did this on my own. I did it. Yes, I did. But with a little , no, a lot of help from my friends.

My voyage to Paris is the culmination of my focus in this last year: travel dreams, new language acquisition, and new goals.

Thank you everyone for being here and reading and joining in my experience.

Please comment and let me and my readers know where you went on your most meaningful geographic journey. Tell me why it was so meaningful.

I am here and can’t wait to read!

THINK: It’s the wave of the future (we can only hope)!

I have inherited this bit of wisdom from someone who shared this at an AA meeting. Yes, I thought at one time that I was an alcoholic; I was dreadfully wrong and that’s a completely different post and probably a book. Stay tuned on that!

When we think we are being honest, we can think of brutal honesty: “Your Christmas sweater is kinda hideous”. We think of rigorous honesty: “I think we should return this lost wallet to lost and found”. Then we have the honesty that comes with trust. All in all, these are more or less levels of trust that grow with time. However, the everyday honesty that flies out of our mouth in the name of integrity could use a little help. I know when I heard this acronym at the meeting, I would never forget it. I have been honest to a fault. And I don’t mean that false modesty honesty…”Oh, I just tell people all my personal thoughts” type of thing that comes with regret. I share with rigorous honesty here as I do try to keep things anonymous.
This is the deal; THINK before you talk. THINK before you post on Facebook or Tweet on Twitter. Nike says “Just do it” and I think they are on to something!

T: Is it Thoughtful? Have you formed an insightful idea on why this needs to be said?

H: Is it Honest (Is it really?) or something else with other motives?

I:Is it Important? Does it need to be said?

N: Is it Necessary? Will your statement help someone in a positive way?

K: Is it Kind? Do you really need to make someone feel less than with your intended statement?

This checklist was invaluable for a former “little miss can’t be wrong” like my self. It is humbling. It creates an idea of pure humility and intention. We think twice and say it once. We think carefully and it becomes second nature. This worked for me. I don’t take myself as seriously when I know I am not trying to teach people lessons with lectures that are neither Necessary or Kind. I don’t think that my clothes are better than someone else’s choices when I am being Thoughtful and Kind. It works if you work it: That’s just one more thing I learned in my time at AA.