The love pie….finite or infinite?

I have always wondered about this in a battle of philosophical ideas of love vs.  the pragmatic expression of love. Are we able to love to our heart’s content and able to have boundless love for many of our close family and friends? Are we able to un-prioritize our love, allowing  enough to go around, thereby expanding  what I will call  the love pie? Roll out more dough and make the crust just a bit bigger and add more filling  to allow more into  love our lives? We don’t have to limit this….it can go on forever and essentially feel  exponentially amazing in the way we give and receive love? There are so many ways to express this love and so many people to express our feelings with on any given day.

There there is the pragmatic love pie: this pie has slices. This pie has a self-limiting size: the 24 hour day. This pie tells us we can only do so much for ourselves and loved ones in this given period of time. So depending on the obligations on any set day, there is only so much we can do to show this love. And when we start determining how we are going to share and demonstrate this love, it starts becoming hard to show love to everyone and respond to everyone trying to share theirs with you: it’s the school play, the family dinner, the friend time, the texts to “check in” with those we care about. It’s everything we do in a 24 hour day to reach those around us. We can certainly assert that those we love will definitely understand life gets a bit crazy. We know texts don’t get answered and lunches get cancelled and it doesn’t make us love any less.  But we have to make sure  when we get our daily pie, we don’t keep forgetting to give the same  people a piece of it each day. This gets almost impossible pragmatically. So we prioritize. How do we prioritize love?  How do we determine who gets pie slices today? Do we keep making the pie slices smaller and smaller till everyone gets a slice, understanding some people continue to feel not quite fed? I think this pragmatism of having enough of us/our pie is what causing so much conflict about “I have enough love to go around”….

Am I still being a hopeful cynic, or a constant contradiction? Is that really just the same thing?

Just another hopeful cynic?

What happens when you are an optimist who sees the worst and the best in people? Do you get jaded? Do you get frustrated and resentful? Do you just figure their bad day is not connected to you? They are having a bad day and that’s okay because things are generally all good? Are you past your nonjudgmental phase,  resigned to the fact that everyone must have sufficient baggage to sink a battleship?

I think at one time or another I have felt  all of these things more or less simultaneously. Is this a  study in contradictions or just an understanding of simple human nature? Are we  not some balance of both tendencies, depending the day, hour, or minute? Are we convinced the next great thing/relationship/job is out there for the taking? Or are resigned to the fact there is no great thing  or it will turn to shit or sabotage anyway and why bother?  I think this is where we make up our mind and when we flip the coin and predict, it determines our overall general inclination. And I think that is what makes me somewhat optimistic.   I know when I see the next great thing, I  go out and grab it. Because its amazing. Because it’s there.  A Scot once said to me “what’s meant for you won’t go by you” (I am paraphrasing this sentiment, this   Scottish saying). I believe it’s there because I have seen it and it has been tangible and the sensation of  its possession is palpable; I am cynical  with the whole carpe diem  thing, however: I am pretty convinced I may not see anything like it again.  Nothing this good happens twice.

Yep, I am just another hopeful cynic….

Back after extended holiday…

Did everyone have a good holiday? Or at least a decent one? Was it hard with family?

I know I have not blogged in a week. I was all ready to post a few updates and new topics last weekend and I had the worst headache. Ugh. After missing two days of work, I started to feel better and started to think about a few things I would like to address here.

Out of respect to my last relationship, I promised no more talk of that. I learned something about that and writing about a current relationship. I have so much to share, that I am not too worried if the significant other wants me to keep our relationship private and white anonymous, wants me to keep it all together  off the internet. That was my last lesson learned. I will bring that with me going forward. I will still talk about the lessons learned, the heart ache of every good and bad relationship. It just may not be the one I happen to be in at the time. It will be up to that person and with utmost respect, I will follow his lead to determine where the content goes.

I want to hear from other bloggers who write non fiction narrative and memoir like posts. Is it hard to write that content and keep people out of the limelight? I thought I was writing anonymously, but it can be a bit peculiar when you see yourself online, I am sure, even when no one else knows it’s you, except  perhaps close family and friends. Please comment and share with me your experiences regarding real life  events and expressing them here for all to see.

I look forward to hearing your comments and could definitely use the feed back!

 

 

 

Thanksgiving

I want to tell you something really fantastic about Thanksgiving. Something that makes us all inspired.  Something about  our gratitude and good fortune when we eat our turkey and other food in excess. Some of us watch football all day. I don’t, but hey, there it is, a great day off to eat a ton and watch football in the middle of the week.  I absolutely know, at the least, I have the privilege of good fortune  and good food and a roof over my head during m post divorce Hell (five years to be exact, six if you count when I had to leave my home).  I know friends and family have helped immensely. And that’s an incredible start to my Thanksgiving story.

It is in those simple times in my life  that I asked for  help and received it with unconditional love that i am most humble and grateful. It is  during those 364 other days of the year that I have depended on loved ones to hold me up during hard times. It is those days that I felt the most thankful.

I have to remember when we string each of the days, some tougher than others, we get something pretty awesome called LIFE. It’s not always fair. Its not always right or just.  We fall in love. Out of love. We feel wronged. We feel awesome and vindicated. But this is the deal:

We are feeling. Which means we are alive and get to start over the next day. And that’s pretty cool. We can be  thankful for that, right?  For me this is an affirmation. I am going to repeat this  affirmation for the next 48 hours and every hour after that, because really, we can NOT take this amazing life for granted.  This is NOT  a Debbie downer post. Not at all. I just want to stay humble and grateful for this life we are given every day. Sometimes that’s hard. Sometimes I feel entitled to more than just the notion of being alive. Maybe sometimes I feel I deserve something really awesome, above and beyond what I have worked for. Then I get right-sized and my ego gets bruised. A little. And I begin again. Humble. It keeps going like that.

Please let me know how your Thanksgiving week is…the anticipation of it, family angst, relationship angst, whatever it brings: Bring it on!

 

 

 

 

Remembering me?

So I had a great walk with a male  friend I have known for over a decade. We talked about our current relationships, both of which were initiated on the internet. Both of our relationships are flourishing. They are so different though. It is amazing to get a reminder from the people we know well to remember ourselves and our needs. I must tell you, because it may matter to some of you, but my friend and I have been platonic from the get go. Nothing, no hook up, no kiss, no first date. Never happened. He’s just more like a slightly older brother who will talk to me real like and give me the hard truth.

I tell him about some of the things my guy told me in the beginning and things I learned about what to talk about and not talk about (he didn’t tell me, he just reported what went well and not so well in past relationships where his kids were concerned–I just took note). My friend had to remind me “but you do love your dog and love to talk about him? Are you changing who you are and what you talk about  because of him?”. He was being kind, not harsh. My friend knows me. For over ten years. New guy has known me for maybe ten dates.  I told my friend, as I truly believed it yesterday, that it is not a big deal…I can go slow and be careful of what I talk about with he kids. I barely talk to them anyway, because one of them feels I am overbearing when I barrage her with questions. I can’t even think of a double barreled interrogation at this time, but whatever. Now its just “hi” or “can you pass the parmesan cheese”…minimal.  I take the lead from him. My friend reminds to be my own person.  We need friends like this.  And of course, I tell him my truths and perceptions about this relationships.  Because that’s the kind of friendship we have.

 

Remember YOU in the relationship. What do you need? Who are you? I posted last time about considering the other person’s feelings. For sure. We definitely need to learn and remember that. But never lose yourself in the process. Never.

 

I would love to hear from all of you about your experience navigating a new relationship (even and especially if you are married or still with them now), learning more about yourself and what happened when you temporarily forgot YOU? And if you can straighten out my whole language conundrum between Like & Love in French. That would be cool too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No drama, no problem

As I got ready for bed, I was playing around Facebook. I posted an old picture of me as a blonde. Check out my About Me Page: I am clearly not blonde. I was feeling nostalgic for circa 2009.  I guess as I got ready to actually sleep, I found that I couldn’t. More nostalgic than ever, I guess.  And now just realizing that I may just be plagued with a writer’s mind. Why is it that my most intense thoughts come late at night? Why do I not trust my self to remember them in the morning at a more post-appropriate hour? I am SO NOT a night person. However, I am compelled to write now. I keep hearing “don’t write it later,  censored by a good night’s sleep and a will to kindly protect those who crushed me”…So I trudge on.

Instead of counting sheep tonight, I found myself counting all the past relationships (female friends, male friends, boyfriends, husband, girl I mentored) that were so toxic for me that I had to leave them in the past. Leaving those relationships behind , as venomous to my spirit as they were, were some of my most difficult and turbulent moments in the last 5-6 years. The most interesting thing is that the memories are coming back into my thoughts at a time where I am developing a very nice healthy relationship. It’s as if I am setting out to sabotage myself with still-too-vivid memories of disappointment, betrayal, distrust, sadness, perpetual anxiety, and loss. Basically  a Pandora’s box of misery. Why, oh why? Why are they coming to the surface now?  I have a  really awesome  thing going here.

What.Am.I.Doing.To.Myself?  I would almost think if I was some psychologist, that  I just suffer from low self-esteem, that perhaps I don’t know how to deal with a great thing when it comes, perpetually destined to  think: “do I deserve this?”. Maybe the damage is done. The horrid years of being bullied/harrassed/perpetually teased  and no way back.  How would I know smooth sailing if the sailboat’s boom hit me in the face?  I wouldn’t.  Or at least I haven’t. That needs to change. Now.  What I can tell you, after quite  a few years of self discovery, is that I know that I, do in fact, deserve good and amazing things.  I know  my diet and exercise achievements, my acquisition of French as a foreign language, and blogging are a great start. A healthy relationship is here. It is my job not to royally  fuck it up.

So I am learning. Learning from a very good guy that there can be life with out drama, anxiety, sabotage, frequently broken hearts or abundant tears. Why in Hell did it take me so damn long?  I seriously hope you are not planning on telling me that perhaps I wasn’t ready for it.  Yet, I would probably end up agreeing with you in the end.  My life could potentially and finally be so much better than it was 5-7 years ago. I am starting to feel great and if I don’t watch out, I am going to turn into my worst enemy and really mess up a fantastic thing.

Be your own advocate. Be your own support system and accept the wisdom of your friends around you. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, they know you pretty damn well. I guess I have been blessed this whole time,  after all!

And, yes, you ARE worth it. You ALWAYS were.  Don’t fuck it up!