A light relationship equals light effort, I guess?

I’m not used to these light, easy going things. I guess I am  always headed toward these intense serious things, that I don’t know what to expect with a light relationship.  Perhaps the expectations are minimal.

I am not sure what to make of it all and I am pretty sure I can’t do it. But damn, I am going to try since i want a light summer with not too much seriousness. Does this mean, however, that there is no respect for my time? Does this mean not putting much effort into making plans?  Generally, does a light relationship equate to minimal consideration to the other person? I am thinking yes to all of the above. This has been my recent experience. So I am learning. I started making my own plans and if he is not available, then I guess I won’t be seeing him. He’s doing this, so I will as well, at his request even.

So this holiday week, I had options; i thought he had a potential of July 4th free, so in the back of my head, I still kept that open and made plans for the other days this week. My error. Apparently,  he had plans that he ‘had to confirm’ so he didn’t bother to mention.  Apparently, he was available the other days, but he didn’t tell me and felt we shouldn’t plan them (just in case he got a better offer, who knows?). Well, too bad. I am now getting educated in the “little effort relationship”.  I live my own life and see if we fit into them. No advance plans, really. No open communication.

Turns out, i won’t be seeing him this week since he confirmed his July 4th plans with his ‘friends’; he claims he’ll try to ‘move something around’, but what’s the point really? He’s going away for a month  the day after my birthday next week and I am not waiting for that. I am moving on. i mean this is a light relationship. It requires little effort.. Next.

Just do it.

I have been in such a stagnant mess about my nutrition. I don’t know what it is, but I am half-assed about my diet plan and eating lifestyle. I think I want to eat well; I even try on many occasions by grabbing one of my fueling on this lifestyle plan I am on.  But it is NOT working. I end up going out and being half-assed: eating a big cheeseburger with out the bun and salad on the side instead of fries. Healthy-ish at best. It would be best to get a salad with grilled protein.  Taco salads are not real salads either when you consider the sour cream and cheese. Or Chipotle for the same reason, even when I go with out the tortilla and with black beans and brown rice. First of all, I need to lose the rice. And the cheese and sour cream. What am I talking about? I need to just not walk into Chipotle. Nothing personal Chipotle, but you are not healthy eating for me.  I am doing okay on the fitness part of weight loss, but the nutrition is so difficult right now for me. Weight loss is mostly about nutrition. Once I lose this weight, my awesome core from my good fitness practice will show through!

I need to just stick with proteins and veggies. That’s really it. I lost 32 pounds this way. I am going to use the rest of my fuelings from this diet/lifestyle plan I started again (I had lost some weight temporarily with the plan in the beginning of 2018 or end of 2017 I think). Then I will go 100% to proteins and veggies. .I think my biggest thing is I need to jump in 100% and just do it. I can’t overthink all the reasons why I am not choosing to jump in 100%. I just need to DO IT!. What is my problem? I can’t even think about it. Just do it.  What is stopping me? Not important.  Just do it.

Get the idea?

A new hopeful

Back into the dating scene and completely exhausted. I’ve met a few guys so far. The first two were not viable options; the second of the two was downright obnoxious. He reminded me too much of the live in. This third one is definitely viable, though our relationship is as developed as a zygote.

I think I want to keep it as light as possible this time around compared with my last disaster! For one, the guy is laid back and there’s no pressure. That helps. I won’t lie. There are some other factors that play into the whole situation which makes this guy so appealing. He is 1 hour form me which means he won’t be over all the time. I enjoy his company very much; don’t get me wrong, but I want the summer to enjoy my friends and going out as well. He has his shit together and loves where he lives, so he won’t want to move in anytime soon……or ever. Bonus!  He also goes away for travel quite a bit, business and pleasure.  Sometimes on the weekend. This gives me time to get stuff done. With all this being said there are a few drawbacks to the whole situation.

There are times that I would have liked to see him, just to spend time getting to know each other in this initial phase. With the time differences in travel, its been awkward. I mean we got off to a good start then with time away and an inability to keep the spark when the spark needs to stay lit is a bit frustrating. I am thinking I can get over this soon,  He’ll be home this week and we may see each other for dinner toward the end of the week and spending some much needed quality time on Saturday.  I like that the relationship is light for now. I don’t know what he thinks of it; he’s so laid back, I imagine he thinks it is a pretty casual  situation. I think this is dating sans the intense togetherness. We have decided to be monogamous after sleeping together (after the FOURTH date),  I think. Maybe I need more clarification on the details, but that does not mean serious per se. More like safe. I think I will find out more this weekend. But for the first time in a very long time, I am NOT in a rush. It feels good. I think this is going to shape up to be a very fun summer!

Another thing: He knows I blog, but  he does not ask me about it. Ever. Never. I am not sure if this means he doesn’t care or if he lets me be with the privacy to write what I want, uncensored.

Relationships that come to an end…

So, I guess for me, relationships come to an end. That’s what they do. I honestly thought that this one would last. I thought I could handle the heavy baggage. I really did. And to an extent, I could: the ex, the past, poor judgement. I think it was the present that was too much for me.

So, in the beginning I got to know the past and I absorbed it and moved on. Great. But what I wasn’t focusing on was the present. What started out as him having OCD (in his words) ended up being some very controlling behavior. Controlling every little detail. In the beginning it was simple stuff, switching leashes on the dogs. No big deal. I didn’t like it, but it wasn’t worth a battle or even a discussion. Or was I too intimidated to speak up? I don’t really know. At this point, I may say maybe. Then, it was the eating; that got to be a bigger deal. We brought food into the house in quantities that were enormous and we split the bill because after all, I was eating too. BUT: not quite as much, yet I paid for half. Again, I didn’t say anything. We ate a lot. I ate more than I have really eaten in a really really long time. Like ever? I don’t know about that…I ate lots in my 20’s and 30’s. You get the idea. I didn’t speak up, thus my acceptance of these behaviors were interpreted as approval. This is on me, I realize now.

A few months into our relationship, I was gaining weight. An obvious effect from bigger than life eating. Seemingly a lot of weight. But I justified it as our ‘honeymoon’ period of eating and drinking a lot I was in denial somewhat that this was a problem. Two months, three months in, I started to get bothered by it. He started on behavior that bothered me as well. Was it new behavior? I really don’t know. I am sure to an extent it was always there, but how is it that I recognized it 2-3 months and not right away? It really started to wear on me. The obnoxious boyfriend was more than just obnoxious.

This behavior that started out as his quirky, slightly obnoxious OCD behavior became more controlling. He commented on everything it seemed. What I wore. What I ate. How much I drank when we went out. So I would pay to Uber to happy hours to meet him so I wouldn’t have to drink and drive, but he insisted on driving us home.. And believe me, that wasn’t always safe. I will leave that right here. I chose to let his behavior dictate my judgement. What became the final fall of our relationship was the weekend before I left for London and Paris.

We went out with my friend and her husband. It was 4/20 in Denver. I hope you understand what that means! My boyfriend was very excited and we met our friends downtown. It was a crazy scene, but all was fine. We then went out to dinner. At that point, I kind of wanted a few drinks with dinner, but I was trying to eat healthy. But being that I was out for dinner and was going to start my life style change AFTER London and. Paris, I ordered truffle fries and a cocktail to start. He, in front of my friend and her husband, started to criticize my food choices. Yes, I will say truffle fries are not the hallmark of health food, but I was not trying to be healthy that night. I was having fun. He also commented that he hoped that would be my last drink. Well, folks, it was not. And to balance out the truffle fries, I ordered a salad. Yep, a salad and a cocktail. This caused a lot of frustration for my boyfriend who felt that this was publicly inappropriate food choices and let me know in front of my friends. He was mad that my friend’s husband was trying to help me get my second cocktail. You know, since I should not have had more than one. So that’s it for that night. I never had more than two cocktails, but he was pretty pissed.

The next night we had a huge argument that was born from that last evening and really festered when I chose to eat some deli meat and cheese with no bread. He said that was wrong and I needed to have bread to make a proper meal, even though i didn’t want all the carbs. I really woke up that night. I woke up to all the controlling. My food , my clothes, being told I was overweight and I needed bigger clothes. Were these simple facts the truth? Perhaps, partially. Was it necessary that he control my behavior and criticize my every move through justifying that it happened to be the truth? I think not.

I was done. I woke up from the dream of our ‘happy at first’ relationship and I was just plain done. I could only see things for what they were. I couldn’t put on the rose colored glasses. They didn’t fit anymore. It just didn’t work. I am not the type to be controlled. One thing led to another and I just couldn’t be myself. Turned out it had been a while since I was truly myself. I had to stand up for myself. He knew it was the end. He was on better behavior after that night following the evening out with my friends. It was never the same. It was just too late then.

I left for London and Paris the weekend after. I ended things while I was in Paris. He moved out the day after I came back.

I’m not going to say I am not sad. Because I am…or I was….but I am free.I have my space back, physically and mentally. He was very good to respect my wishes and move out with no drama. I definitely am grateful for that. I would even consider being friends with him. Maybe. But nothing more. I just can not take the feeling of being controlled and criticized. If this is what being friends is like, that probably won’t last long either.

I gave it four months. I needed me back. I needed me back badly. Even within a week of being back on my own, a close friend said to me “I am so glad you are back to your old self!”…..wow! Was it that obvious?

Heavy baggage

So, on Sex and the City, Carrie started dating Berger, another author, soon realizing the Ex-Files would have to be opened. Ugh. Like Carrie, I so wish we could start a new relationship with a brand new slate. No background noise, no messy past.  Is it really necessary to go there? Really?  What good can happen from the discovery phase of old failed relationships?

Okay, I will give it a try. I will try to be open to the fact that heavy awkward baggage can be okay, if we communicate about it. I can’t see how we can dance around with baggage filled with unintended resentment and triggers and expect our partner to read our minds when we become ultra sensitive in a situation. I think we kind of have to discuss  the weirdness. And thus, unpack our messy baggage.   And here we go: alcoholics,  workaholics, fathers, mothers, and mentally unstable people come tumbling out waiting to shock, dismay and discourage us from exploring the further  depths that  our great new relationship can go, Sometimes I feel like our skeletons are scarier locked in those bulky  bags.

Since the beginning of our budding relationship, my boyfriend and I have brought the contents of our baggage to the forefront, into the light  We have to bring it up really, because our lives have become what they are because of our past. We can’t put our heads in the sand and pretend our past relationships never existed; they are part of who we are, for better or for worse.  I think the passage of our past relationships have made us better, stronger people, but they have also created triggers.  In order to understand why we react the way we do to certain situations,  we need to share our stories of the alcoholic, the workaholic, the mentally unstable partners of the past.  I guess we could start fresh and not talk about them and pretend that we don’t have any triggers or buttons that can be pressed. At my age, I think that’s a little unrealistic .  When my guy and I talk, it helps me diminish the power of past loves,  because its only in the dark where they seem to unleash their venom, if we were to keep their power (to upset us) secret.  We won’t let the past relationships ruin us when they are out in the open.

So, as much as I hate bringing up some of my past, I think it just may be the way to go in an open and honest relationship that is geared for a great and prosperous future, rich in love.

What I am listening to now: Hymnal by In The Valley Below