There’s something missing: Part II

I mentioned at the end of Part I that I did not date for a year. I don’t think I could have if I tried. I was a mess. I knew I had to get things settled and resolved in my head before I could seem somewhat appropriate for dating.  That was a hard fucking year. My newly estranged husband, soon to be my ex-husband broke a majority, or maybe all, of his promises to me (and my parents).  Those broken promises are what put me in bankruptcy. I would have never needed bankruptcy protection because of my own choices (except the choice I made to fall in love and marry him).  But that’s neither here not there for this tale.  Once I started counseling, hiring a mediocre lawyer (from Florida), and generally getting my life back on track, I decided it was okay to start considering dating.

In 2011, I started up again. WIth dating. While no one seemed quite as dramatic as the ex, there was still some crazy decisions I made. I made some choices that led to humorous exchanges online within the dating sites. I made some questionable choices that led me to some new dramatic episodes. Some choices led to quite UN-dramatic dates. I didn’t feel a spark. It’s as if my spark only ignited with the deranged dramatic ones. Recently (in the last two years or so),  there was the prison guard who turned into a supreme douchebag after the second date. Perhaps I should not have spent the night with him. Jus’ saying. And being honest in the process. He kept texting then stopping and then reappearing online messaging me. I would tell him to text me; he kept messaging me that he lost his phone and lost all his contacts (three times?). I told him it was done.  I was sending him to the island of lost douchebags. Never to be heard from again (at least not from me).  Then after that was the whole ordeal I blogged about last year around October:  Relationship Quandary I realized after that ordeal  that drama comes in many shapes and sizes. I  have a part in  all of it. If I don’t recognize this, I am damned and destined to repeat the failure of dating men who bring out the worst in me: insecurity, self -doubt,  and neediness. I know these are all pretty much the same thing, but they have their individual qualities in their own shortcomings. I needed to be done with it all. I needed to know outside my friend circle that I could meet a guy and attract him to me. I needed that guy NOT to be someone who I felt these things around.

I have not talked about romantic relationships in a long time because I just didn’t know where my life would go. And plus, the  guy from the post above made it patently obvious I fucked things up because I wrote about our relationship on my blog. He had a point. For sure. Except that I had told him each time I blogged and he was like “great, cool. I will have to read that sometime”; only, he never read any posts till the end. That’s when the shit hit the fan with him.

In this past year, I was eventually able to attract a guy that was very un-drama as they came. Smooth sailing. No rip tides.  I swore something was absent from the relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. Of that, I was absolutely sure. We ended up just being true good friends, but there’s a moral here.

The moral, the take home message is this: When you are sick and tired of where you have been in relationships, you will have to do something different. I did a few things differently. I was NOT going to be destined for failure. While that relationship ended up in friendship and not the Happily Ever After, it was a MAJOR gift. One that told me a drama-free life with a guy is possible.  The only thing missing from that experience was drama.

And you know what? I didn’t miss it at all.  The future is promising!

There’s something missing…: Part I

So, I have had enough drama to last a very long time. I feel that every single minute of dating and married life carries with it some kind of drama. I get so involved in the intrigue of it all. Then, things seems to go so quickly, so damn hot and heavy, I can hardly keep up. Then what  happens? What do you think happens? Routine and expectations. What the hell…they just come out of nowhere.. For me,  it usually involves expectations that I set unreasonably. The bar is so high, an Olympic pole vaulter would have no change for Gold. Yet, I put it there, up high in the sky. Am I sabotaging myself? Am I ruining any possibility for a viable relationship? Probably. As soon as expectations are in place, things go bad. Very bad. Is it because I start perseverating on details that are not critical, because I want  things my way, I  wanted things to go well. I didn’t know why they  never did.

Things end. They always do.  I remember when I was dating my ex-husband. I didn’t mind it so much. I was at a period in my life where I was not drinking alcohol. I thought I had a problem with it (I didn’t), so I was in AA. I met him there (which I may have mentioned before). LIfe was NEVER boring.  I always was in a situation of some sort. This time,  it was the angry boyfriend from AA. Back then, during our dating period, I could just leave his home when he was being temperamental (and that’s being generous!).  Then I married the angry boyfriend in 2009. Never a dull moment. Mostly something was more or less always crashing around me: his patience, my patience, the refrigerator contents, the patio door, you name it.  It probably crashed.  Then he got sober. There was never a predictable moment. I must have had more expectations for this marriage that could not have been met. Then eventually, the only expectation I  always had was that I would always be safe and it would never get “that bad”.

Well, it got that bad. I was forced to lower my expectations and stay with someone who was bound to drink again or leave. I did not actually want to leave. I wanted to work out the problems, oddly enough. He didn’t.  And he didn’t want to be with me apparently. Fair enough. He was starting to scare me. There are a ton of details that will come in future posts, but right now, suffice it to say: The Drama Ended. At least for a minute. Don’t worry, it picked up right after I left and moved back to Denver.  Our relationship pretty much ended right there. The divorce came 6 months later.

I had enough of the relationship drama to last me a while (the other drama was financial messiness that had nothing to do with me). I did not date for a year. I needed time for me.  That was probably one of the smartest things I have done in a long time. For me. Besides quitting smoking of course, which happened two years later.

Stay tuned: the drama and expectations continue with dating stories that I have told here.  They will make more sense now that my propensity for drama was at an all time high. I thought it was low, so low, from what I had been through with my ex. My zero tolerance policy for drama did not come till later.

 

Music Pairing: Concrete Blonde’s Joey. Because it fits.

(Not so stellar) blogger behavior

I have been a very bad blogger! Disappearing off the face ;of the earth for a monnth is not stellar blogger behavior. I apologize! Lots of things happening here in Denver. I moved, for one thing. I was in Denver, technically, but now I am more in the city. I love it.  I went on vacation and just got back in the middle of last week.  I have seen and done things that have inspired me over and over to head back to my blog. Then I get distracted. Why! Argh!  

Working out has been challenging.  I have kept up (kinda)  with it this last month, but I have not worked out in between my  personal trainer sessions. I’ve had  weight loss. Then comes the weight gain. I possessed motivation  at times; at other times, there’s been a complete lack of ambition to get where I want to be fitness and diet wise. After getting back from my vacation, I am realizing that I am going to really need to get my ambition in high gear if I am going to ever fit into those skinny jeans (folded in my closet from back when I lost 30 pounds). I realize diet and cardio is going to have to dominate my lifestyle for now.   My most recent check in (yesterday) showed a 2.5 pound loss. I will take what I can get and keep my goals  and motivation in constant motion. 

I have given a lot of thought about why I haven’t blogged in over a month, despite sometimes deep and inspirational and sometimes hysterical inspirations.  I am staying focused now. I am going to stay close to my blog and all of you. I wanted to get in touch with all of you again, despite a slightly disorganized post. 

I hope you haven’t forgotten about me and thanks for checking in! I will definitely be blogging more regularly now and I am grateful for your patience!!
What I have been listening to all month (on constant repeat) in my blog’s absence:

Back in Black by Amy Winehouse

Belt by In The Valley Below

I have the right to

I must admit: I am in a creative slump. I want to write and I felt that I had nothing to say. Until now.  Last year I had an unforgettable experience. I attended a very short segment of  the first annual Washington Area Independent School Institute on Sexual Assault and Consent at Georgetown Day School in Washington, DC (where I went to high school).  I was going to blog about it when I got back home. Then I lost my nerve. I am just being honest. My blog was new and I was just not sure how honest I was capable of being with such a current subject that deserves attention and respect.

Then this week I finished Amy Schumer’s book, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo. She wrote about consent in one of her chapters. Just as I was finishing her book, I got the GDS magazine in the mail. One of the students had written on the Summit from last year. I read it, and combined with Schumer’s book, I was completely inspired.

I decided that my mistakes, my decisions, and my experiences were mine, yes,  but perhaps someone could learn from my deficits in judgement back in the day.  So, I feel compelled to share a few of these stories.  So if they make ONE person not feel so alone, so isolated and misunderstood, then I have no problem subjecting myself to judgment and the haters that are going to see something wrote with anything anyone does.  Let the haters hate and the judges judge. I am here to be honest Share what I know and have experienced with relationships: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

If I write on the subjects of consent or sexual assault, I may drop a hashtag. That’s not my norm, but I do want to recognize the work being done to bring this subject to light  I want to be part of the movement to allow people to understand what consent means. And what it means to me.

Look for a post about this in the coming week. In the future, I may share some ugly stories about this subject, mostly to let it live in the light, not the dark.

#Consentsummit16

#Ihavetherightto

#PAVE

Have a great rest of your weekend!

 

Silent all these weeks…but still very much alive and kicking!

These last few weeks have been crazy. I have been sick, working a nine-day stretch, and just generally busy. I prioritized blogging not so high and I am sorry for that. I love being here and talking about what’s going on in my life and sharing any tidbits with you, my readers!  I have lots going on and grateful for a full life.

I am still working out and I have a great personal trainer, but time with my PT is going to be done sometime in July (no mas dinero). I need to continue my good food habits (and get wayyyy better) so that I can lose 6 pounds and 2% body fat.  That’s my fitness goal in June.  I’m getting pushed harder to get past my comfort zone and I am grateful I have someone to help me do that. I need to push myself around the lake doing my cardio/walks. I used to walk about 14-15 minute miles. Now it takes me 16-17 minutes.  I’ve definitely lost my groove from last year and I want to get it back. I am going to walk 5.5 miles if it kills me tomorrow before work. I have NO EXCUSE, except the one I make. And that doesn’t count.

It’s good to be back to blogging. I can’t wait to see you all soon!!