To Settle or Not To Settle?

Is settling as bad as it sounds? Does it mean we are compromising our ideals and expectations? To me, that’s how it sounds. It sounds nothing like ‘settling down’. Which seems to mean more of a ‘putting down roots’ type of thing. Maybe?  I feel like no one wants to settle, but I think people are doing it  all the time in the name of instant gratification;  it cures loneliness and an insatiable need for companionship. Does that mean that independent people who don’t have that need will never settle because they really don’t need that  constant companionship?

I just don’t know right now. I am fairly independent, complete with a newly purchased townhouse (on my own, no roommates, unless you count my puggle Max), vacations done solo,  and dinners and movies with no requisite date. These things really don’t bother me. Most of the time. There are times (mostly the weekends) where I long for some companionship.  And in those periods of time, I find myself bored and looking in places that have never provided much promise, like dating online. So there I am, settling. Is setting that bad? All of the time? Or is it just looked down upon if you are settling for long term solutions?  So this brings a new question…Short term v. long term settling? Is either “worse”? Do you find yourself doing this? What is that?

Am I guilty of short term settling? It’s highly likely. Which sets me up for losing opportunities for a more worthy partner in the long term…. if I am not looking at the big picture and parlaying my patience in the short term for more rewarding relationships in the long term. Is it because as I get older, I assume the dating pool is more like a wee little pond and there are not, in fact, plenty of fish? Thus, being in a hurry and bored is an unfortunate cocktail for not so satisfying relationships.  I get the idea patience will get me through boredom. Then I won’t have to settle in the long term, much less the short term. Boredom is a bitch!  More time to blog, less time for boredom!!

 

Drop a comment and let me know: Is settling the worst thing ever? Is there a difference between short term and long term settling?

 

Listening to Depeche Mode’s Some Great Reward…specifically Somebody… Depeche Mode can be a little depressing sometimes, but sometimes the perfect sentiment.

 

 

Kiss that frog

So, I’ve kissed a lot of frogs. Some toads, some poisonous frogs, and even some cleverly disguised toads appearing to be cute appealing frogs. But no Prince Charming in sight. And now I am wondering if that is my fault. If I am in more control of that than I once thought.  Is it my expectations or anxieties that direct my successes and failures? I am beginning to think that could be true.

I have little bits of anxieties, likely triggered by insecurities. I think we all have them, but I think that sooner I take control of them, the more successful I will be at not self-sabotaging worthwhile opportunities for viable relationships. I don’t know if control is the right word, but perhaps anxiety management. The anxiety I have seems to only manifest where relationships are concerned. I don’t seem to have as much anxiety in other areas of my life. I’m working to figure that one out, but for now, I want to manage the relationship anxiety. One way I KNOW it manifests is with my insecurities and I end up texting too much, talking too much about shit that shouldn’t be brought up in the name of “honesty”. And then oh crap, there goes a perfectly good relationship! Damn! The insecurities are either obvious or not so obvious. I think many of us struggle with the whole “Am I lovable?”, “Am I worth waiting for?”, “Am I funny enough? Interesting enough? Funny enough?”……And it goes on and on. We can either give up or remain hopeful that perhaps we are all of these things if we just believe in ourselves a little bit m more. Way easier said than done, I know. Of all people, I certainly get this. So what do we do to control or manage this anxiety? I think we just have to get a handle on these insecurities. Personally, I am having a fortunate period of NO drama in my life. Not much going on in the way of crisis. So if you don’t mind, I will probably keep you updated on my self-discovery of these insecurities cropping up in the relationship area of my life. If I can possibly identify them, thereby reducing my anxieties or better managing them, perhaps it could help someone else. AND that is why I need to write more.

Then, of course, there are the expectations. How do I manage expectations? And do I need to rearrange or lessen my expectations? This is such a hard question. I mean if I don’t think I am asking much, but maybe I am.

Let’s see:

  • Intelligent
  • Gainfully employed
  • Funny
  • Taller than I am if possible (not a hard rule, but must be my height)
  • Kind to people and animals
  • and lastly, physically attractive to me

That’s it! Ha!

When people tell me to manage my expectations, I hear: “Settle Alyssa, you’re not going to find all that in one guy. Your dating pool is too small to expect much more”. I can’t help it. So what do I do? Settle in the looks department, in the intelligence department?  Or I don’t settle, but I relax in the intensity department. I am a bit intense. I know it’s scared a few people off. But is the intensity caused by insecurity? Is it a form of anxiety? I think it could be. I am working on that as well. I think the management of  expectations is a tough nut to crack. I need to work on this and I think it may take some time.

If anyone has experience in the management of anxiety/insecurities or expectations, please, please, please drop a comment! I think we could all learn a thing or two.  In the meantime, I will update my blog with progress on the anxiety and expectations arena.

This is my first post in a while, but I have re-established my passion for writing/blogging and you’ll hear much more from me!

 

LISTENING TO: Peter Gabriel’s Kiss that Frog. Of course!

Being alone is not a “Plus One” event

I think many of us have felt the difference between being alone and the stench of loneliness. I think most of us would much rather feel the peace of the downtime we get being alone. I can definitely do alone. I know not everyone can. I am fine with it much of the time. I can’t imagine the idea of living with anyone right now. I would have to be engaged or married, just like I was last time when I moved in with some one, my ex-husband.  When I am alone, I am at peace; I can do what I want, no one else is invited to my alone time. It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is.  Well, I guess sometimes it does. Usually, though, I can go to the movies alone, go for lunch alone and have absolutely no issue.  But sometimes, just sometimes, loneliness rears its ugly, pitiful head. It’s then where being single is a state of affairs full of remorse.

Loneliness sucks. It just does.  I can feel it on my own usually when something just inspires me to feel less than in my current single status. I feel it  all around at random times that are so hard to predict. Like now, I am in a coffee shop, watching all these couples walk in and think “I wish I was part of that”. I wish I had someone to hang out with at night and first thing in the morning.  I feel less than, knowing that if i had what it took to be part of a couple, I  would be. So what’s missing. I used to be part of a couple lots of times, mostly through my early twenties and part of my 30s and then when I was married at the end of my 30’s. That’s when I snap out of it typically. I think of how I want to spend my time, with someone I can’t predict, or alone, in the peace of my own hobbies,  reading and downtime. Is it that I am so set in my ways, that I can’t make room for someone at my age? Is it that I am sooo hardened, I can not let go and just be vulnerable for the right person. Have I passed by the right person and just been too rigid and uninviting. I am a pretty nice person, but I know that lately its been really hard to just let go. I am rigid with my boundaries and maybe I am keeping out the right person. I am creating my own loneliness, perhaps? The irony of this makes me laugh out loud.

I will try to be less guarded, but aren’t we supposed to be a little guarded? Where’s the balance?  Drop me a comment…tell me about your experience.

 

Music I am listening to: Depeche Mode’s Black Celebration

Losing it!

I am in transition mode in my weight loss/healthy living program and I am loving it and losing weight at the same time!! I haven’t been perfect, of course. I have had a few cheat days, but mostly i have been on course. I have even lost a few pounds during my maintenance phase. I just watch all my labels and ensure that when I do eat a few more calories, I am cognizant of my choices. I have been exercising more with my puggle Max and we have both been enjoying the longer walks. I can’t lose weight and be in good health just on good diet alone (though that’s a huge thing); I need to work out.

My next step is to get to the gym. When I moved, I drove over to the rec center (when I could have easily walked there) and registered my membership (that comes with my pricy HOA). So, yes, i have been walking more with Max and getting the movement going  Now I need to step up my game. Like three steps! I am trying to walk Max at least 1 mile a day three-five days a week. Now, I need to get my fitness plan going at the gym. They have a gym and I am seriously getting motivated.  Seriously. Let’s go to the gym. I have my playlist on my iPhone ready to go. What day? How about tomorrow? I know the right answer is “TODAY”, but that’s not going to happen as I have a ton of errands and already walked Max on an extended walk. Why not both you say? That’s a very good question! Like I said , I need to step it up…. I will keep you posted!!

Over the hump…

Here I am again, over the hump! I am so excited to be back here in blogging world because I am here to stay. I had a tough professional exam to get through and getting settled post-move. But here I am, ready to write and share!

So when I bought my new townhouse, I suspected it would take me a few months to get settled. I was right. I have been in my home for about a month and a half and still need to hang my artwork and fix my closets and a bathroom toilet. I couldn’t be happier here though. It’s really peaceful : I  have green beautiful grass , a recreation center and park,  and various paths  to walk Max  It was a huge decision to buy and I am so relieved I made the right choice, for me & Max.

Now that the exam and the bulk of the move are out of the way, I can direct my focus and attention right here, where I belong. I have had so many inspirations and situations that I have wanted to write about and just couldn’t get this laptop open. My attention kept me with my studies and I really hope I passed that exam!!

A few inspirations that will find their way to my blog:

  1. My weight loss: I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am working on more! It hasn’t been easy and I have a few blog posts in mind to share the journey.
  2. Relationships and the matchmaking thing: what a disaster! I believe I just threw away a chunk of money on a dating /match making organization. I got one date out of a speed dating event, but I doubt that’s going anywhere. Posts are coming your way about this also!
  3. Loneliness vs being alone-there is a difference, yes? I say yes also. I say yes to the palpable loneliness that has us wishing we had plans on a Saturday night. I also say yes to the joy of being alone sometimes. The loneliness is there, whether I am by myself on Saturday night at 6:30pm in bed or in a setting with friends or other couple(s) being sans Significant Other.  More to come.

 

See you really soon. I mean it!

Forever. And a day.

WOW! I had no clue I abandoned my post, literally, for about three months. I am so sorry!

The good news is that I have been so busy with life and fitness with my optimal health plan, that my  short term fitness,  life goals and outcomes have been favorable!

1. EXERCISE: What a great thing to do! I am improving in this department. My healthy living (with a side of weight loss) program discouraged too much exercise when I was going through such a radical calorie reduction. I soon understood why. Now, in transition, I am getting back to the exercising/walking, both outside and on the treadmill. I am excited to get physically fit in shape in time for warm weather fun in the mountains!

2. LOST OVER 25 POUNDS: This was an amazing feat! I gained so much weight in the last 2 years since losing weight in 2016. WHY?! How did  I let that happen? I can tell you exactly what happened. Maybe this has happened to you. I did not transition into a way of healthy living. I did not set myself up for healthy maintenance eating and healthful and wise choices.  I  have now lost weight and looking to lose about 10 more.  Most importantly, I am learning how to live with daily healthy living with a slight bent toward losing a bit more weight. Once I get to my desired weight, I will admit that the healthy living will be a challenge. I want the healthy living and most of the time, its not that hard. But sometimes….. yes, sometimes I am craving nachos and nerds or gummy bears. I am not going to lie. I want to stay in this weight loss mode until I am secure in my healthy choices and know I am not going to yo-yo back to this weight from December.

3. NO MORE DATING ONLINE (doing something else that I will delve into a little later for all your curious people)….yay! I have joined more of a matchmaking thing. I guess we still have to put ourselves out there. This time, it seems different. It involves more work, but the outcome hopefully includes some more quality. With those free online sites, you get what you don’t pay for! You know what I am talking about: Plenty of Fish, Bumble, Tinder…the list goes on.  It’s also dramatically different because instead of getting into the time suck of these dating sites (yes, plural), I can live life and blog more, work more, and exercise more. I can check in on line with this different singles group after selecting certain people.  We’ll see how this goes. I don’t officially start being eligible online till after I finish my profile. Who knows that this singles group will bring!

4. BOUGHT A TOWNOUSE!! Okay, how did this just happen in three months? I wasn’t even looking for a place. The truth is I wasn’t looking at all. I went to an open house one weekend with a friend. I fell in love with the townhouse I saw. I called over my future realtor and talked to a lending officer right then and there. She was at the open house.  The unexpected and rare thing happened: a domino effect of contractual agreements just fell into place.  From the date the offer was accepted and the contract signed, I closed on my townhouse 30 days later. I had no clue  my life would change this much this soon or how much my life would change. I think part of this is because I am moving to the suburbs from the city. It’s going to be a big change; but I think I am ready.

Yes, I have done this all since my last post in December! Things have been crazy and overwhelming, but reassuring that I have been making progress in positive life changes.

I think with these new changes (and being house rich cash poor I am sure), I will be blogging a lot more and sharing my dating experiences once again. And this time, in the middle of suburbia. Dating in suburbia. I see that being one of my future posts.

Stay tuned!

Fitness, diet & optimal health in 2018

I am on my way to a more healthy way of living. My fitness regimen, admittingly, has been a bit lax.  I will make an affirmation: I am kicking my workouts into high gear after these first three weeks of resetting my body’s response to this new diet program.  I am totally  excited!

I have already lost 9.2 pounds in two weeks.  I think the weight loss will start to slow down, but I think I am on my way to meeting my goal of 40 pounds by May 1, 2018! I have been relatively happy with 2017. EXCEPT my weight, which was more than steadily creeping up and up until almost 3 weeks ago. Now, I have a new beginning! I know what you may be thinking…isn’t it hard to start in the middle of the holidays with all the food and drink? Well, I say to that: what better time? I would just be gaining more weight than usual during this period and I wanted to lose rather than gain. If I can lose weight during the holidays amongst a great amount of edible temptation, the rest of the  year will be cake! But I won’t eat the cake. I promise!

Once my body has adjusted  to these new low calorie intakes, I will go back to my work outs. My cardio/fitness exercise is very important to me and I don’t want to let it go. It was suggested that I may take a small break from it while my body is getting used to the new calorie intake. I am glad I took a break, but I am ready for a good work out!!

As for optimal health, I hope to reap  the benefits of good sleep, meditation (that will be a challenge), eating healthy, and making emotionally healthy choices. This program is designed to help me lead a life that will work not only on the diet plan for weight loss, but in a maintenance state as well. I think, no, I know that was my absolute downfall during my last diet and significant weight loss. I went back slowly to eating what ever I wanted and didn’t really exercise. I drank more alcohol regularly (never caring or counting those empty calories!!) and as a result, I ate more crap.  This is the time for an overhaul.

I am going home (back East will always be home in a sense) at the end of May. As May 1 is my target date, I should be in great shape when I head home to see family.

A note about relationships. I usually write a bit about that and I am NOT taking a break. I just haven’t met anyone worthy of spending time with. I will keep you posted!!