Getting honest…

Sooo, I have turned a corner in my life. I am ready to blog about my former marriage and divorce and  its hard. Oh so hard to even think about.  I have procrastinated too long; and by too long, I simply mean since October. This is going to unfold slowly.  I want to share the experience of my marriage and divorce and what happened to land me back in the world of dating and single life.

Bear with me. I will work on posting about this relationship, not only the marriage and divorce and life post-divorce, but also the courtship in the beginning.  I will  still post about fitness, current relationships, etc in between. When you’re reading my posts, I invite you to comment or email me about what I have written. I won’t fall apart or get upset.. I got divorced in 2011; things are much better for me now.. I just want to be as raw and honest and in the moment as I possibly can to express the palpable fear and stress I lived with almost daily.  There was no physical abuse. The fear comes from emotional mistreatment and my ex-husband’s anger issues.  And I will be explicit in my story of getting through it all. And how that happened. I’ll give you a hint: family and friends. But I am getting way ahead of myself.  These posts will reveal personal information about those other than me, but I will be keeping their identity completely anonymous as I have on this blog thus far. My hope is that my story will not only help people realize they are not alone, but the telling of my experience will be liberating as well.

Also, please please please: If you have any advice on how to get this on a blog or how I should proceed, by all means, drop me a line  by email or comment below.

On that note, I will let all my readers know that I am going back east to visit family this weekend and won’t return till Wednesday; I haven’t decided if i am bringing my iPad, so you may hear from me.

Have a fantastic week and I will definitely be back next week!!

TRX, treadmills and yoga, oh my!

So, I’m finally getting in the rhythm of a good work out schedule. My trainer gave me a great app that holds me accountable. Or tries to at least! I am trying to work out three to four times a week. Three times a week is much more doable because of my 10 hour shifts at work. I work 4 days, so at least I can carve out time on my days off and maybe get to yoga in the morning of a noon start time at work.

I have a strength endurance day, hypertrophy day, and a stability day…then yoga. I think this week I will be able to get in two days of work out and yoga in between. I am going away Friday morning for a work conference and won’t get my  normal Friday and Saturday work outs. With each of these works outs, I have a metabolic conditioning cardio walk on the treadmill.  As for the different types of exercise, I am still getting used to the routines and sometimes feel self-conscious completing the exercises at the gym, but feel so good when I am done. I just did tomorrow’s regimen last Friday with my trainer, so I think I feel comfortable with that.  The machines come this Thursday for me and that’s my hypertrophy day. I am not quite comfortable with the machines; I think I may be intimidated on them because of all the people working on them that seem to know exactly what they are doing. I guess practice makes perfection.  Progress, not perfection….

Then I get yoga  this Wednesday! Yay! Yoga at my gym is available for free every day. There are different types of yoga and I am really enjoying Surrender and Root yoga. I am not yet ready for Flow. Flow moves very fast and I am not quite comfy with the different poses and by the time I get the poses nailed, they are moving quickly to the next pose I don’t know very well. With Surrender and Root, I get to hold the poses for a while. I get to be very acquainted with each movement and each breath.  It really works my core, my focus, my breathing. I love it. It can be really challenging – yoga almost always pushes me past my comfort  level each and every time.

Overall, things are going mostly well at the gym, as you can see. What is lacking in my health journey is my nutrition. I was doing well and then I just got lazy; there is not another good explanation that wouldn’t just sound like the excuse that it s.  SO yes, lazy. I want to return to a healthy living style and leave out the carbs and the sugar. Those are my biggest offensive areas of my diet that screw me over every time; Since the spring, I have gained back 18 pounds. I would like to lose them again. You see, I know exactly what I have to do here. It is not rocket science. Veggies and protein have always worked for me with minimal fats and carbs (not totally absent).  I need to just cut out sugar and be done with it. No more candy corns, no more gummy bears.

I have a resting metabolic assessment on November 3rd and I’d really like to get some good eating habits in before then that will show up on the assessment. Wish me luck!!

Any comments, advice or ideas? Drop me a line or leave a comment!!

When the skies aren’t so blue…

So, it’s been a while since my last post. Everything has been blue skies and no clouds for a while….this too shall past. Time for a storm to come in. Everything was going so smoothly. Then I started feeling conflict. I felt the first twinges about a week or two ago, during some political discussions. We had a little misunderstanding about politics and out values/opinions. During a period of time that I have been really evaluating my values and core beliefs, this was a critical issue. I think, if I remember right, this came about last week, still in the midst of the  decision regarding Kavanaugh’s fate. And THAT hearing was particularly sensitive for me. Then I found out the guy  was more or less aligned with my values. He makes no political Facebook posts, denouncing one party or another, which is something I respect also. But enough about politics. There was something else.

We live 1-2 hours apart (depending on when you’re traveling and in which direction).  And when we live in our respective towns, we have completely contrasting lifestyles. He took me on a small walk along the river. It was absolutely beautiful; there is no denying that. He took his fishing rod and we started out.  When he swung his rod ,the bait got stuck in my hair. I thought it was an overly aggressive massive bug and  I started messing with my hair; it was stuck. It was a bug, but not a real one….just the bait of a fly fisherman, the guy!  I could definitely laugh about it then, but it gave me pause. Could this life or anything like it be remotely interesting to me? Then we went near the river and I didnt want to go too close with my sneakers…and he suggested next time I get some river shoes. Excuse me? River shoes? Have we met? I am NOT a river shoes kinda gal. No Teva’s for me, or any thing like that!! Not I! I am more of a Tiffany & CO kinda woman.  Now I am all for hikes and dry mountainous adventures. Just no bugs or brush please!  It was then that I realized I do not fit in here. I totally respect that this life style is perfect for him. It’s just not for me.  I may be messing up the time line regarding the river shoes incident and the political/values misunderstanding, but everything started causing me self-doubt about this relationship. I mean, where can this really go?

So, I started to shut down, really not wanting anything with this. I started to come up with the realization that this relationship is completely NOT viable. How can I waste time traveling to and fro a place where I don’t fit in and I am not sure I even want to? I am 49 years old. I can’t just spend time in a relationship that has no future; he has a 3-5 year plan in his town, career wise; and plus, he loves it there. I totally and utterly respect that. I just have no desire to live there, if it should ever come to that. And he really has no plans to leave and come my way. We are at a stalemate-there is no future.

Then I basically ended it on this premise of no future and said we should just be friends and  still go back East in November together and a trip we booked for December as friends. This was a very hard conversation, one of the hardest I have had since my divorce.  I thought I would be relieved and have a load off my mind. Then this budding relationship with no future would be behind me; on to the next, per usual routine.

Damn, was I wrong. So wrong. This was the most painful thing ever and all I could do was cry every day and I was sad. Like really crushed. And I was doing the crushing, flipping the script on this guy when I had previously been so into the relationship. How in the world could this be happening? I talked to friends and a therapist. After crying and  feeling horrible and a LOT of self-reflection, I realized a few key things.

I am scared. I have never had a relationship go so right from the get go. Go right and hold off on physical intimacy and be successful.  While I am not sabotaging this because I feel I don’t deserve this and ending it because I am not worthy ( I know I am), this relationship flow is completely out of my comfort zone. Out of bounds. Not in the ball park of any relationship in the last 25 years. Even and especially my former marriage. So  maybe I didn’t realize I was so much in fear of something like this happening. I like being in control of a situation and I definitely am not experienced with a non-physical successful relationship. So I shut down. Ruling out any and all the possibilities based on distance and life style,  convincing myself I was just being true to myself. Which maybe I am/was, but how can things be right with this if I am crying and hysterically sad daily.  I loved when we talked the first thing in the morning and last thing at night. When I could tell him everything and he actually is interested and engaged in my day.

So we talked. A lot. We will see if this can be worked through. I have hope. I like him an awful lot; and I kinda think he likes me also.

 

I’m listening to : Stars all seem to weep by Beth Orton

Getting off track!

So I have been good with working out. Honest! Then I went out of town toward end of August and then right after Labor Day. Made it pretty easy to get off course. I am not happy about that. The good thing is that I exercised a lot during both vacations! I did plenty of water aerobics in California (I can’t believe I did water aerobics!) and a plethora of walking around Nashville! I loved both vacations, but it is time to get with the program!

My new schedule is Sunday, Wednesday & Friday. Sunday I closed my exercise ring on my exercise app on my phone. If you work out and own an iPhone, you probably know what I am talking about. Almost every other day in Nashville I came very close to closing that red ring and I am pleased (considering I didn’t get my normal workout in). One of those days will be a recovery day for yoga.  The other days will be strength/resistance/weight with Metabolic Conditioning in my Cardio work out. It will be good to get back to my normal routine. And I am a creature of habit….so routine is good!

 

Let’s start this work out tomorrow!! Time for toning, weight loss and heart pumping…and most of all, feeling great!!

 

A challenge: I can do it!

My health club is running a 60 day challenge. I joined the club because I wanted to push myself, so it seems obvious that this is the thing to do! I am not sure what exactly is involved, but they seem to be doing free classes to help support growth and learning during this challenge.  I am excited to commit myself to more. I need as much accountability as I can handle. Lots of people can do this work out business on their own. Hats off!! I can’t. I love it when I get there, but I need to stay committed. That mostly happens by being ultra accountable in some way to some one or something (a challenge) other than myself. I admit it! I figure that as long as I am doing the work, does it really matter how I get there?

Tomorrow, I go for my weigh in and registration. There are classes offered weekly specifically for the participants of the challenge and I am going to go every Saturday before or after my work out. I will find out more tomorrow. I think I will learn a lot through this process. My goal is to eat better and work out most efficiently. The results will be there if I focus on the journey I think. I am going to try NOT to obsess about the weight and speed at which I lose weight and progress with my work out. It is hard, because I know I want to do the best I can. Without driving myself crazy.

There is a winner (out of all the clubs in the country) and I am thinking that individual is eligible due to the most progress made.  My trainer mentioned partly it ties into the individual’s personal story. I don’t have anything particularly earth shattering about my story-it’s pretty average.   The contest portion of the challenge certainly gets me going though;  I can’t wait to see what it’s all about. Since my trainer is sick today, the substitute happens to be the trainer that will be registering me tomorrow,. I will meet her today at 1:00pm!  I hope she works me hard today.  I need all the help I can get.

Any words of advice on staying motivated and committed?

Drop a comment or contact me on my contact page.

Have a great weekend readers!!

 

 

Back in the fitness game!

I’ve been working on my health plan for weight loss and realized nutrition is a huge part of it, more than I’d like to admit. But eating healthy feels better; Not going to lie: It’s not as much fun sometimes. Saying no to brownies and mostly salty food, like nachos and wings.  Smaller numbers on the  scale makes it all worth it. I am getting ready to leave the plan that I have been on and go in a different direction. We will see what happens. I failed at the transition plan miserably the first time and gained ten pounds, thinking one brownie or one order of wings wouldn’t matter. They do matter. A lot. I need to be on my game.  I felt that to be more on top of things, I would add fitness to the recipe for success.

So after last year of trying a personal trainer, I thought I would try a different approach. A different gym. And wow, is it different! I’d be more likely to call this a health club, not just a gym.  The philosophy is different and the fitness coaches/trainers appear to be more educated, or at least mine is. My old trainer was good, don’t get me wrong. This trainer just has a lot more information and education for me. There is so much to know about working out to maximize my metabolism. I went through some metabolic assessments and learned a lot about how my body specifically responds to oxygen demands and how it burns fats v. carbs compared with  typical and optimal burn patterns. No doubt, I have put some money into this. It makes me accountable and sometimes I need that, if i am being totally honest. I just can’t always do it without a little kick in the ass.  A firm kick in the ass was definitely in order when my trainer asked me how often I plan to work out. Accountability, hello!  “Three times a week is something I can commit to” rolled somewhat easily off my tongue. Wow, okay Alyssa.  I guess I am working out three times  a week. At least I can pick my own days. So we created a program for me which I think will really set me up for success. This is one step further than I took at the other gym; today,  I am making a commitment for Tuesday, Friday and Saturday each week. I never committed to specific days last year,  just a vague promise of “I”ll be here”. Tuesday will be my recovery day and I will take yoga. It will definitely get my breathing and heart rate in gear, but it won’t  be as intense as the metabolic conditioning/strength training that I will be doing the other days.  I have a feeling, however, that yoga will be hard work for me. At least in the beginning. It’s been years since I worked on my yoga practice at an actual yoga studio. I have signed up for my first class for this Tuesday evening. It’s great, because they have yoga classes in the morning and evening, so whatever my shift I can get in yoga as their morning class starts at 5:30AM!!

I’m excited to really show my commitment to my trainer and most of all, myself.  But I am actually slightly scared. I am in fear of failing. In fear of succeeding. No, not that…definitely a fear of failing. I’ve failed in sticking with a fitness regimen post -training (and all the money that went with that). I want to succeed, both in fitness health (efficiency in oxygen demands and cardiovascular health) as well as in weight loss. Which I guess is another branch of fitness health. Whatever it may be, I want it all.

I’m hoping I can pull off all of it, the healthy eating transition and the fitness plan.  I have been definitely giving this all some attention in past posts. Next to blogging, it’s what I want to improve upon the most in my life. That’s basically it, writing and my health are my primary priorities. Sure, I write about relationships, and while that is a goal, maybe I should just focus on the things I am in more control of. Like writing and self-care /self-improvement. I think that will in turn make me relationship ready.

IF you have any tips for the balancing act of healthy eating and healthy fitness, drop me a comment or contact me on my contact page!! Thank you in advance.

Music I’m listening to: a playlist called Sexy. It’s got some really good songs and its great for working out!

To Settle or Not To Settle?

Is settling as bad as it sounds? Does it mean we are compromising our ideals and expectations? To me, that’s how it sounds. It sounds nothing like ‘settling down’. Which seems to mean more of a ‘putting down roots’ type of thing. Maybe?  I feel like no one wants to settle, but I think people are doing it  all the time in the name of instant gratification;  it cures loneliness and an insatiable need for companionship. Does that mean that independent people who don’t have that need will never settle because they really don’t need that  constant companionship?

I just don’t know right now. I am fairly independent, complete with a newly purchased townhouse (on my own, no roommates, unless you count my puggle Max), vacations done solo,  and dinners and movies with no requisite date. These things really don’t bother me. Most of the time. There are times (mostly the weekends) where I long for some companionship.  And in those periods of time, I find myself bored and looking in places that have never provided much promise, like dating online. So there I am, settling. Is setting that bad? All of the time? Or is it just looked down upon if you are settling for long term solutions?  So this brings a new question…Short term v. long term settling? Is either “worse”? Do you find yourself doing this? What is that?

Am I guilty of short term settling? It’s highly likely. Which sets me up for losing opportunities for a more worthy partner in the long term…. if I am not looking at the big picture and parlaying my patience in the short term for more rewarding relationships in the long term. Is it because as I get older, I assume the dating pool is more like a wee little pond and there are not, in fact, plenty of fish? Thus, being in a hurry and bored is an unfortunate cocktail for not so satisfying relationships.  I get the idea patience will get me through boredom. Then I won’t have to settle in the long term, much less the short term. Boredom is a bitch!  More time to blog, less time for boredom!!

 

Drop a comment and let me know: Is settling the worst thing ever? Is there a difference between short term and long term settling?

 

Listening to Depeche Mode’s Some Great Reward…specifically Somebody… Depeche Mode can be a little depressing sometimes, but sometimes the perfect sentiment.

 

 

Kiss that frog

So, I’ve kissed a lot of frogs. Some toads, some poisonous frogs, and even some cleverly disguised toads appearing to be cute appealing frogs. But no Prince Charming in sight. And now I am wondering if that is my fault. If I am in more control of that than I once thought.  Is it my expectations or anxieties that direct my successes and failures? I am beginning to think that could be true.

I have little bits of anxieties, likely triggered by insecurities. I think we all have them, but I think that sooner I take control of them, the more successful I will be at not self-sabotaging worthwhile opportunities for viable relationships. I don’t know if control is the right word, but perhaps anxiety management. The anxiety I have seems to only manifest where relationships are concerned. I don’t seem to have as much anxiety in other areas of my life. I’m working to figure that one out, but for now, I want to manage the relationship anxiety. One way I KNOW it manifests is with my insecurities and I end up texting too much, talking too much about shit that shouldn’t be brought up in the name of “honesty”. And then oh crap, there goes a perfectly good relationship! Damn! The insecurities are either obvious or not so obvious. I think many of us struggle with the whole “Am I lovable?”, “Am I worth waiting for?”, “Am I funny enough? Interesting enough? Funny enough?”……And it goes on and on. We can either give up or remain hopeful that perhaps we are all of these things if we just believe in ourselves a little bit m more. Way easier said than done, I know. Of all people, I certainly get this. So what do we do to control or manage this anxiety? I think we just have to get a handle on these insecurities. Personally, I am having a fortunate period of NO drama in my life. Not much going on in the way of crisis. So if you don’t mind, I will probably keep you updated on my self-discovery of these insecurities cropping up in the relationship area of my life. If I can possibly identify them, thereby reducing my anxieties or better managing them, perhaps it could help someone else. AND that is why I need to write more.

Then, of course, there are the expectations. How do I manage expectations? And do I need to rearrange or lessen my expectations? This is such a hard question. I mean if I don’t think I am asking much, but maybe I am.

Let’s see:

  • Intelligent
  • Gainfully employed
  • Funny
  • Taller than I am if possible (not a hard rule, but must be my height)
  • Kind to people and animals
  • and lastly, physically attractive to me

That’s it! Ha!

When people tell me to manage my expectations, I hear: “Settle Alyssa, you’re not going to find all that in one guy. Your dating pool is too small to expect much more”. I can’t help it. So what do I do? Settle in the looks department, in the intelligence department?  Or I don’t settle, but I relax in the intensity department. I am a bit intense. I know it’s scared a few people off. But is the intensity caused by insecurity? Is it a form of anxiety? I think it could be. I am working on that as well. I think the management of  expectations is a tough nut to crack. I need to work on this and I think it may take some time.

If anyone has experience in the management of anxiety/insecurities or expectations, please, please, please drop a comment! I think we could all learn a thing or two.  In the meantime, I will update my blog with progress on the anxiety and expectations arena.

This is my first post in a while, but I have re-established my passion for writing/blogging and you’ll hear much more from me!

 

LISTENING TO: Peter Gabriel’s Kiss that Frog. Of course!

Being alone is not a “Plus One” event

I think many of us have felt the difference between being alone and the stench of loneliness. I think most of us would much rather feel the peace of the downtime we get being alone. I can definitely do alone. I know not everyone can. I am fine with it much of the time. I can’t imagine the idea of living with anyone right now. I would have to be engaged or married, just like I was last time when I moved in with some one, my ex-husband.  When I am alone, I am at peace; I can do what I want, no one else is invited to my alone time. It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is.  Well, I guess sometimes it does. Usually, though, I can go to the movies alone, go for lunch alone and have absolutely no issue.  But sometimes, just sometimes, loneliness rears its ugly, pitiful head. It’s then where being single is a state of affairs full of remorse.

Loneliness sucks. It just does.  I can feel it on my own usually when something just inspires me to feel less than in my current single status. I feel it  all around at random times that are so hard to predict. Like now, I am in a coffee shop, watching all these couples walk in and think “I wish I was part of that”. I wish I had someone to hang out with at night and first thing in the morning.  I feel less than, knowing that if i had what it took to be part of a couple, I  would be. So what’s missing. I used to be part of a couple lots of times, mostly through my early twenties and part of my 30s and then when I was married at the end of my 30’s. That’s when I snap out of it typically. I think of how I want to spend my time, with someone I can’t predict, or alone, in the peace of my own hobbies,  reading and downtime. Is it that I am so set in my ways, that I can’t make room for someone at my age? Is it that I am sooo hardened, I can not let go and just be vulnerable for the right person. Have I passed by the right person and just been too rigid and uninviting. I am a pretty nice person, but I know that lately its been really hard to just let go. I am rigid with my boundaries and maybe I am keeping out the right person. I am creating my own loneliness, perhaps? The irony of this makes me laugh out loud.

I will try to be less guarded, but aren’t we supposed to be a little guarded? Where’s the balance?  Drop me a comment…tell me about your experience.

 

Music I am listening to: Depeche Mode’s Black Celebration

Losing it!

I am in transition mode in my weight loss/healthy living program and I am loving it and losing weight at the same time!! I haven’t been perfect, of course. I have had a few cheat days, but mostly i have been on course. I have even lost a few pounds during my maintenance phase. I just watch all my labels and ensure that when I do eat a few more calories, I am cognizant of my choices. I have been exercising more with my puggle Max and we have both been enjoying the longer walks. I can’t lose weight and be in good health just on good diet alone (though that’s a huge thing); I need to work out.

My next step is to get to the gym. When I moved, I drove over to the rec center (when I could have easily walked there) and registered my membership (that comes with my pricy HOA). So, yes, i have been walking more with Max and getting the movement going  Now I need to step up my game. Like three steps! I am trying to walk Max at least 1 mile a day three-five days a week. Now, I need to get my fitness plan going at the gym. They have a gym and I am seriously getting motivated.  Seriously. Let’s go to the gym. I have my playlist on my iPhone ready to go. What day? How about tomorrow? I know the right answer is “TODAY”, but that’s not going to happen as I have a ton of errands and already walked Max on an extended walk. Why not both you say? That’s a very good question! Like I said , I need to step it up…. I will keep you posted!!