Armed with my incredible friends, experts in different areas of life and death, I am learning to ask for help in the arena of managing expectations.
I have always felt that the low hanging fruit were now behind me. I have started to feel that by setting the bar high is good, I was exuding higher self-esteem, standards, expectations (job, hair, clothes, income, car, housing, really ridiculous….). I began elevating the standards so high, that it almost became impossible for me not to be disappointed. And putting a list on paper really became my downfall. I started judging everyone from the get go.
Until this guy I am dating now. I was immediately attracted to him and we got along great. My stupid mental checklist didn’t exclude the big things: honesty, integrity, character, but it also required the absurd and superficial components. They disappeared when I met this guy. Period. End of story.
So, advance 2-3 weeks: We were perhaps moving too fast (planning a getaway); I started out so well, minimizing and managing expectations that were really unreasonable to begin with (the mental list). Then my ego snuck back in. The ego started developing a different version of a mental list. This list described what I wanted to hear or thought I needed to hear at certain times.This is NEVER GOOD. NEVER. EVER. GOOD. Yes, we can expect a modicum of respect and honor, but if the honesty and integrity are there, I have to ask myself, what else do I absolutely need to hear, on my time, no less? This insight comes directly courtesy of one of those great friends with experiences I have not yet gained. When saying I am patient, I need to mean it.Then when the things I want to hear are said, I am hearing them from a truly honest place, not a place based enabling my insecurities.
Have I sabotaged myself? When he told me this morning I was being insecure (though the circumstance was a bit unusual and the source of my insecurity very specific), I had not had time to process the origin of my insecurity, but I owned it because it was the truth. I felt insecure, but it was not until later did I realize how situation specific it was. My insecurity started earlier in the week. I told him that I didn’t deny the insecure feelings lately and thought we needed some more time alone together (which he agreed) to get back to the really good real conversations we had in the first 1-2 weeks. He agreed. emotional intimacy is what I want and I think he agrees, even though we did not quite title it that way exactly. When it was time to go home this morning, I told him it would be great to see him in a few days and I couldn’t wait (sentiment he usually returned). He said nothing other than “see you then” with a kiss and I left for home. I texted him a brief bit later to mention something trivial and “have a great day!”. No word. So no more texting, no more insecurity. I know my self-worth. I know I am intelligent, caring, intense, big-hearted, intuitive, sensitive and trusting. Right this minute, I am trying to recover from this transient insecurity.
How do you manage expectations? Do you remain hopeful, but some how have some incredible skill for removing the expectation from the hope of an outcome? Or is hope or wishful thinking just a euphemism for “setting up expectations”? How is that you achieve that balance?
Leave a comment and thank you in advance for your input!
Have a great week everyone!