I sit here. I am trying to put together the last 7 days and just don’t know what to say. The last two weeks were so dramatically different. My relationship is experiencing growing pains. For equality’s sake, should I really be saying “our relationship”? Probably. I feel that the “hiccup” (his word) in our relationship last weekend shows me that we both need to learn about thinking about the feelings of the other person. I learned to be aware of personal and emotional space. Give certain people room with out barraging them with questions or in-your-face-closeness. Maybe this will work with the young, the shy, the introverted… I learned to stand up for myself and know that I am okay with him or by myself.All by myself. I can want him, but I don’t need him to feel complete. These seem to be the lessons I keep needing to learn. I hate that. So frustrating. Fuck. I would be lying though if I felt that I could just recover in an hour as I confidently posted last week. I felt like I did when I posted last week; I was being as truthful as I could have been back then. 7 long days ago. When he texted me an apology on Sunday, I realized how much I liked him. Is there some language that has a word between like and love? I have been learning French this year and when the cool app tells me to translate “j’aime”, I say “I love” and it tells me that it means “I like”, but then later I am asked to translate “I love” and I clearly am stumped now; the answer is “j’aime”. What?? How can the French so casually intermix the two. Way too confusing. When I go to Paris, I am certainly going to investigate this. But I digress.
Then Tuesday, I saw him and shared about this on a post on November 2. I know that I felt the same as he did when he shared his sentiments. I was a wimp and couldn’t say it back. For one, I was scared of the same thing happening and getting blindsided again, in any near future. Secondly, I did not think it would mean as much if it was just parroted back. Depending on what happens in a few days (our next date is Tuesday), I want to share with him today. This is a huge risk. I am so scared. I haven’t felt this way since my ex-husband. Yeah, and we know how that turned out. I am sure I have said that before, perhaps. It bears saying again, because its been a long assed six years. It was this time six years ago, I came back from Florida with nothing. I rebuilt my life. Slowly. And now this. This reminds me that things worth having are hard. Relationships are hard. I don’t want to sabotage this. I can only pray he doesn’t want to either.
This weekend is the seven day reminder of hime ending things for a 24 hour period (what he calls the hiccup). Tuesday, he assured me that we should not be starting over as we have gotten this far. At that point, we were together a month and two days. Assuring me that he does, in fact, want me to be a part of his life (with his kids). I want this too. I am terrified of getting my heart broken. It was almost there last week. I am not sure I can take it again. I think for sure I wouldn’t have another break up in me (with him). I doubt he knows this. In the spirit of positive thinking, I will not be mentioning this. But with all my experiences, I am trying to be positive and hopeful, and end up feeling all pragmatic and cynical . That sucks. I am so close to having a truly wonderful thing. I MUST NOT SABOTAGE. I know anything could happen today. I realize that he could cancel our date today. He had a horrible crappy day Friday and Saturday, when I saw him, he was sick and who knows what he will feel like today. So, I am fine with things not being perfect, I was a bit bummed to not hear fun nice things all day. But authentic relationships are like lie. We have bad days, we get sick, we feel sad (as I have this weekend with my memories that I posted yesterday). When he got off the phone with me so abruptly when someone was knocking at his door Friday night, I felt this doom. I can not allow the negative feelings he had yesterday to be about me. Saturday was okay and nice to know that hopefully we can get through the imperfect awkward days (of one of of being sick or not feeling tip-top). But this is really hard to do when he ended things just 7 days ago. This is the insecurity that absolutely SUCKS. I am working towards holding the lessons learned to heart….So hard to do.
Slowly. I will learn to trust again. Trust him to be strong and understand me and trust myself to keep a calm and still heart.