No drama, no problem

As I got ready for bed, I was playing around Facebook. I posted an old picture of me as a blonde. Check out my About Me Page: I am clearly not blonde. I was feeling nostalgic for circa 2009.  I guess as I got ready to actually sleep, I found that I couldn’t. More nostalgic than ever, I guess.  And now just realizing that I may just be plagued with a writer’s mind. Why is it that my most intense thoughts come late at night? Why do I not trust my self to remember them in the morning at a more post-appropriate hour? I am SO NOT a night person. However, I am compelled to write now. I keep hearing “don’t write it later,  censored by a good night’s sleep and a will to kindly protect those who crushed me”…So I trudge on.

Instead of counting sheep tonight, I found myself counting all the past relationships (female friends, male friends, boyfriends, husband, girl I mentored) that were so toxic for me that I had to leave them in the past. Leaving those relationships behind , as venomous to my spirit as they were, were some of my most difficult and turbulent moments in the last 5-6 years. The most interesting thing is that the memories are coming back into my thoughts at a time where I am developing a very nice healthy relationship. It’s as if I am setting out to sabotage myself with still-too-vivid memories of disappointment, betrayal, distrust, sadness, perpetual anxiety, and loss. Basically  a Pandora’s box of misery. Why, oh why? Why are they coming to the surface now?  I have a  really awesome  thing going here.

What.Am.I.Doing.To.Myself?  I would almost think if I was some psychologist, that  I just suffer from low self-esteem, that perhaps I don’t know how to deal with a great thing when it comes, perpetually destined to  think: “do I deserve this?”. Maybe the damage is done. The horrid years of being bullied/harrassed/perpetually teased  and no way back.  How would I know smooth sailing if the sailboat’s boom hit me in the face?  I wouldn’t.  Or at least I haven’t. That needs to change. Now.  What I can tell you, after quite  a few years of self discovery, is that I know that I, do in fact, deserve good and amazing things.  I know  my diet and exercise achievements, my acquisition of French as a foreign language, and blogging are a great start. A healthy relationship is here. It is my job not to royally  fuck it up.

So I am learning. Learning from a very good guy that there can be life with out drama, anxiety, sabotage, frequently broken hearts or abundant tears. Why in Hell did it take me so damn long?  I seriously hope you are not planning on telling me that perhaps I wasn’t ready for it.  Yet, I would probably end up agreeing with you in the end.  My life could potentially and finally be so much better than it was 5-7 years ago. I am starting to feel great and if I don’t watch out, I am going to turn into my worst enemy and really mess up a fantastic thing.

Be your own advocate. Be your own support system and accept the wisdom of your friends around you. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, they know you pretty damn well. I guess I have been blessed this whole time,  after all!

And, yes, you ARE worth it. You ALWAYS were.  Don’t fuck it up!

 

 

Nobody will love you like me

 

I had a very interesting short-term texting relationship lately. I met this guy on POF. Many of the guys on this site very interested in being pen-pals or texting friends. Every time I mention an actual meeting with someone I meet, it’s as if I run into absolute aversion. “Not that! Don’t make me actually  have contact,” they seem to be saying. When I question their ability to meet and why they are so uninterested in an actual date, they are unable to come up with really good reasons. I am not looking for a pen-pal or text friend, but I ran into one anyway.

I don’t even know how to describe this guy. The first night we actually texted  (mind  you, never a phone call), I asked him if his profile was true, that he was actually looking for a wife. He said yes and that he talked about me fulfilling the wife role. When I asked him about that, he said he was just joking. What started as a weird beginning got way more bizarre.

I explained to him in a subsequent texting conversation  the next day about my drug/no marijuana stance. He then went on a judgmental tirade against all marijuana users and their lifestyle. Which is not exactly what I was getting at. But anyway, I trudge on to determine why he is so judgmental.  This would have been the first time I should have actually ceased the relationship. Period. He acts as if I should be insulting the marijuana  users simply because I do not date those who use. He called me a hypocrite. Not totally accurate there. I discern who is in my social circle, but I don’t need to judge every marijuana user on the planet. When he starts adding in that he does not hang out with any “sickly” people in general, it begs the question of “physical, mental, all ages…really?”. When he texted back “all of the above”, I told him this  really won’t work. I have friends and relatives with different medical and mental health disorders, and I have had my share of medical melodrama as well.  I  stop texting him. Which is all good and fine until that evening.

He texts me later that evening and starts in on some mighty bizarre topics about his ability to find women with no effort, sending me an example of some such woman. We all know he didn’t send me a real photo of someone he knows, but of some horrid stock  photo from the internet. Not surprising as there are pics for the taking. But if you are going to brag about the women you are able to “get”, why wouldn’t you choose an attractive woman? Beautiful even? Not some skanky photo of some woman’s hip in lingerie being caressed by her own overgrown nasty manicured fingers. When I asked why this is what he is attracted to, he states in some disjointed non sequitur way: “I get more p***y than the law allows” (I am serious. I think he is in cahoots with Trump). I have no clue what that has to do with anything. He also stated “I’m usually only single for 10 minutes in my life” and  “I hate being alone….”. I kid you not. I explain to him that I am looking for someone who is independent, who knows how to be alone and comfortable with that.

This is right about the time my friends are telling me to stop even dealing with such a lunatic. Just leave the dude alone! I can not do that…this is too much fun, engaging in this creepy nonsense. What a waste of time, they said. True.

So I continue to text him and state and I quote myself:

“I would never meet you. Your lack of self-knowledge and brutal honesty about yourself is something I could never deal with. Your lack of even understanding about divorced women/”damaged” in your coworker’s eyes (and possibly your own) and your inability to be alone for longer than a month or “ten minutes” is not attractive to me at all.”.

Yes, I know, why am I even texting him? Why am i giving this guy any time or attention at all? Quite simply: I couldn’t let it go. He was such an ass, I couldn’t let him get away with this!  His immediate response to the above text?

“Yea it is ….nobody with lobe you like me”? Ear lobes? what? Of course he texted back “love”.

Okay, so nobody will love me like he will? Is this not one of the emotional abuse anthems? Does he even know what a red flag he just waved high up in the sky?  I informed him of this red flag and he just told me he looked forward to seeing me this weekend, as if I had said nothing (which in itself is saying a mouthful).  I told him that I would not be contacting him and said “no more”. He texted more. I had to finally text back “blocking now”. And I did.

The lesson: I don’t need to engage with every creep just to prove a point. I could have left that alone and blocked him way earlier. Was it wrong to have fun and push buttons at his expense, even if he didn’t notice.

What do you think? I should leave well enough (or in this case “bad enough”) alone and not spend time with someone just to prove a point or push their button?

Note: When editing this post this morning,  I realized it created a new post, at the top. Let’s be clear- this guy is definitely NOT the guy  I am speaking of in this new current relationship! Thank God!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blue Jeans

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These jeans  are only six years old, but they look older than they are. I bought them in 2010 as I was leaving a particularly difficult chapter in my life. I was living in Florida and had a shopping bag full of clothes, but only tank tops and shorts. My mother came down to help me with some personal things (like finding a divorce attorney, obtaining temporary housing, etc). My mom and  I knew I was headed toward a very difficult transition in my life. I had spent a few days at a friend’s place after being forced to leave my home where I lived for 9 months. She gave us a few nights in a gorgeous hotel in Sarasota. She took me to the mall to get a few things. Most of my things would be in a locked storage center till I saved money to get my own place in Denver (where I belonged). This pair of jeans was one of the few items of clothes I picked out. I brought them back to Denver with me. I did have a chance to grab more clothes, but these jeans made the move with me.

Six years later:  I am not a sentimental person as far as material goods go. So why with all these rips and tattered seams am I holding on to these jeans? If I thought it was because I never worked through the events that went down in Florida before I left, that would be easy. But I did that, thoroughly. I wish it was as easy as that. I went through Hell toward the end in Florida..and even for the first several years after I left that house in September 2010. I am pretty much on the other side now. I am very good at purging “stuff” that doesn’t fit, torn, stained, even 25-year-old college t-shirts.

So what’s with the jeans???  Should I hold  on to them since they are pretty cool and they fit me perfectly and just release the emotional baggage attached? Or do I pitch them in the trash?