Douchebag #3: Me, my son and you…

I thought I have seen quite a lot of scenarios in the Internet dating world. I had seen all sorts: polyamorous, open relationships, long distance,  (way) younger guys and cougar-dom,  whatever. I even came across a guy that wanted to look and not touch; that guy wanted a woman to travel to southern California about 1-3 times a month at his expense. The woman would be sexy and just sit for him while he did nothing, but perhaps contemplate the woman he could never attain. He stated he had a bad experience not being able to attain a woman on a beach when he was young. He felt invisible and undesired. He is now seeking that type woman to sit for him so he can relive the memory of rejection.

Yes, there is a woman for everyone out there. I guess. No judgment. This time it was different. That was intriguing, but I couldn’t bring my self to respond to that man’s requests to sit still for him.   What I am about to share with you is something new for me, even with that experience of sitting  pretty for someone who wants to feel rejected all over again.

I saw a cute guy online, POF to be exact. I even sent an email to see what would come back. He sent a message back pretty quickly.  Almost too quickly. He complimented my profile pictures. Probably didn’t read the text at all. Nothing new. I just politely returned the message and asked how he was doing. He shoots back a message just as rapidly. “Are you open-minded?”…..Sometimes. He texts back that he wants someone open minded and does want to find someone to marry. I asked him what he had in mind as i am admittedly open minded about some things, not about others. Like drugs, excessive alcohol use, or criminal activity in past or present. Ever.  So he states that’s fine because what he has in mind is a bit different.

I can not remember the exact words, but he said something like this: “I would like you to help my son. He was recently dumped by his girlfriend for not being able to please him. Would you show him everything about pleasing a woman? And you would be with me also. Not always at the same time. But sometimes. Sometimes just him. Sometimes just me and other times, both of us”.
Whoa!! WTF? I was quite horrified just then. I had NEVER come across this in my life.  I honestly just wanted to hit the BLOCK button. Something, however, told me this could be a bloggable moment.  I would never consider this, not even for a nanosecond. As a bloggable moment, priceless. I pretended to be intrigued. So I engaged.

“Wow! I am intrigued! Tell me more. You said he is how old?’ Jesus …not a minor please.
“Oh he’s 20 years old. See him in the picture?”. Yeah. I did. He looks about 12.
He went on to explain how this would be totally worth it as they are so well-endowed. Oh My God. This is an OMG moment for sure. I am positive this qualifies.
“I am definitely intrigued…so you said you wanted to get married. How would that work with your son? This would all stop if  we got married, right? We should meet in person with your son to talk more.” ….I intended to do nothing of the sort.
“Oh no. That would not stop at all. Its much more naughty when he’s your step son”. Holy shit. This had to be a joke. Or the “to catch a predator” people will be hunting me by the time I get ready for bed.  So 15 minutes go by with no response. I asked him if this was a  test or if he changed his mind. 10 minutes later he delete this profile and no record of any emails or any profile remains.

Ha! The joke could be on me. Or not. Hard to know. No one has been knocking down my door to raid my Internet history yet.l
Be careful out there!
And yes, creepy things happened in threes this year….

Tell me your creepy stories and leave me a comment with your experiences!!

Douchebag #2: The Shake-Up

Ironically, these douchebags could not have come at a better time; back to back they came and snuck up on me, and perhaps, due to my most recent experience, I had way less tolerance for douchebaggery in my future. I met this person actually before my last text to Mr. Cairo. I had never met Mr. Cairo, so honestly, I felt it was perfectly acceptable to move forward.
This is another quasi-long post: enjoy the ride!!

I even got off the Internet long enough to meet this new guy in person, at a Meet-Up no less. One would think we had common interests. A love of France anyway.  The first night I met this guy, we shared an instant interest in France, Paris specifically. After my first meet up there, we went out for a late bite to eat and talked about general life (work, life, Paris) and we talked for two hours.  Good start, or so I thought.  We even made plans for the next day’s planned Meet-Up. We would go to a movie afterward. So after two glasses of wine, we went to the movies and discovered the wrong time was on the site. We went back to his house in the general Cherry Creek area.  On paper, this guy was stable and well situated (nice car, nice career, great real estate). On paper. I will tell you, by the time we were watching The Godfather, there were small annoyances, though no deal breakers. He kept telling me facts about the Godfather and informed me this was an epic film (Really?). He informed me of other facts that every self-respecting film lover knows. When I got tired, I could not drive home that late with a few too many drinks (though I am sure that wine had already been metabolized and the beer at his place was not significant).  I spent the night and the next morning,  I left feeling in my gut, this was a mistake. I had no clue how big of a mistake that was. He was already critiquing me. Yeah, highly annoying.  I am totally fine with constructive criticism,  though it’s usually better coming from someone who actually knows me. But whatever.  So we decided that we would do something that next weekend on Saturday.  Despite that gut feeling,  I went ahead and thought, maybe I am being too sensitive. Maybe,  I am interrupting him too much when he told me that he is not done talking.  Well……

That next Saturday, I was in charge of bringing the wine. I decided to bring a nice red from Coppola’s collection, specifically as an homage to our  recent Godfather viewing.  I got to his house on time and as he opened the wine, he educated me that Coppola actually directed The Godfather that we had just seen. No shit Sherlock!Jesus!  Did he merely think that was a coincidence? I said “yeah, that’s why  I brought it”. I guess I could not let that go!  So we ended up watching The Godfather in its totality and started Apocalypse Now. We didn’t completely finish that, but with 1.5 long movies under our belts, I was quite sleepy.  What followed was fairly disappointing and not too impressive. I was really just wanting to sleep. The next morning,  I woke up literally  receiving a lecture about cancer with a side of autism at 0800 in the morming.  I had NO idea what was in store for me. I woke up with severe chest cold. Ugh, then I was unprepared for the lecture of a lifetime.

I have no clue who would think cancer and autism are appropriate topics for Sunday morning not even out of bed talk. So at 7:30 am, this man starts to talk about autism and cancer; it is all a blur now, so I can’t remember the order. I can tell you this was in no way a conversation. A lecture maybe with a limited Q & A session after. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. I get that. Though, I have to say most people don’t have an “opinion” on what cancer actually is. That’s typically agreed up on prior to a discussion on some type of medical diagnosis, biopsy, and treatment. According to the man, cancer is a lot of residue that just builds up. It builds up and you get cancer. Very simple. This explains why people who conduct lives that are not as healthy get cancer. We are not even talking about lung cancer causality with cigarette smoking and the like. We are talking about all the cancer “residue” that builds up and then you get cancer, usually based on lifestyle. However, “we” are not talking. He is. Only the man is talking. When I started to interject with something related to globally accepted fact about cancer, he reminded me to “not interrupt” while he is talking and I will “get an  opportunity when he is done”. Hmmm. At 8 in the morning, no less. This goes on maybe 30-45 minutes.  Fascinating. Fascinating how someone is so convinced their opinion of cancer is fact. Though doesn’t seem to be a fact accepted by any medical professional globally. It gets better. He has a “solution” for those battling cancer. Lucky them.

He continues to lecture that the powerful solution  is in his mind. He has a cure for cancer (the residue, remember). That solution is a “shake up drink”. It is “explosive”. It will really disrupt all the residue and remove it from the body. Over a course of days, weeks or a month.  He does not have the details at this point or even the ingredients of the shake up drink, for that matter. But, the man will tell  you that it will work. He informed me in the latter part of this lecture series that ‘those with cancer will need to know that this is explosive”. No pain, no gain, he says. Not sure if they will be able to “handle it”.  Seriously? Holy crap.  When he was done lecturing on the finer points of residue build up, lifestyle choices leading to cancer (from residue) and the shake up drink,  I was allowed to provide feedback. A rebuttal seemed like a more appropriate response.  Of course, I had to address the issues of lifestyles causing cancer. Sure smoking can lead to lung cancer, but this “discussion” was not about that particular and commomly documented causality.

So I proceeded to ask him: What about the healthy people who get cancer? What do you think people with cancer deal with when they endure chemotherapy and radiation? No pain, no gain. I told him that’s  ridiculous. I think most people battling cancer with chemo and radiation are familiar with hardships in treatment. I asked him if he understood that basic fact. Then what about the children with cancer? If this residue that accumulates to become cancer is a result of lifestyle choices, how are the children barely walking and still nursing and eating baby food getting cancer? From this residue that accumulates?

The man looked at me, formulating a response that made sense in his mind. Well,  he stated simply the residue is passed on from the child’s  mom before birth. It is the mom’s fault. Of course. Then of course,  I asked about the baby’s cancer solution “the shake up formula”? He said “exactly”. Then he started talking about autism. It is unacceptable to have pregnant women travel on airplanes as that causes autism. Obviously.

So I ended this whole diatribe and said “I think I need to go now. I think we will need to agree to disagree on all this discussion.”  He said “yes-for now”. Wow. Okay.  My chest cold just got worse.
Later that week….
After losing a few days of work and a very greedy narcissistic telephone  convo with the man on Thursday that week,  I was not sure I wanted to see him again…I determined that while he stated he was the “most considerate man on the planet” with respect to my being sick, I suspected that was not quite the truth. Particularly when said my throat really hurt and he kept me on the phone more than an hour. Granted, I should have just told him I  needed to get off the phone and hang up. I get that. Loud and clear. At the end of this most painful conversation to date (until my last one with the man), he tells me he is “capable of killing” with absolutely no context other than us talking about our exes. Then he said it again. “I am capable of killing”. I was quite uncomfortable and told him soon after, within minutes, that I really needed to get stuff done.  The next week, he called on Thursday and I had mustered up enough courage to break things off immediately upon answering the phone.

If only it was that easy. It should have been. I should have been able to say “I don’t think we should hang out anymore” with an ok, good luck” response. Instead I  was asked to describe the reasons for my decision. One by one. Cancer. autism, being capable of killing. That really got him. He really let me have it. After saying he was “joking” about that “…killing” comment, I said  I didn’t get the punchline.I told him I was not all clear on the hilarity of being capable of killing. Then he got very upset and went on a rant about a family tragedy and that if I wasn’t comfortable  with that comment, I should have asked him more questions. Honestly, at the time, I felt if someone is tellig me they are capable of killing, no more questions are needed. I am quite done. Quite. He then went to the other side of spectrum and said that killing is no laughing matter and that I should have asked him why he said that. I told him that it was not likely that I felt the need to explore this comment on killing and that, an hour after the start of this conversation, I felt I was very done with this conversation.

“You are making a very big mistake. I only hope that when you realize that, you will be able to apologize to me”. Awesome. I will get right on that.

Quite done.
That was my last conversation.
I really thought I was completely done with the creeps. I thought the douchebags were in my rear view mirror.
I was so wrong.
The next one creeped in  shortly after.
I guess douchebags, along with other bad things, happen in threes.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend all!

Douchebag #1: Mr. Cairo

This tale is one long chapter, but I could not keep you hanging, so bear with me!

Dating can be so so difficult when all the eligible fish in the ocean are dwindled down to some small stock in a large or even medium lake. I take that back. Small pond. Yes, more of a small pond for the eligible guys for me: educated, fully monogamous and heterosexual, tall, good teeth, open minded, considerate, funny, full of integrity and honesty, non-420 (yes, I live in Colorado, but still), no drug dependency issues, non-alcoholic….there must be more, but the other qualities are not coming to mind at this moment.

So when I went on OKCupid to try my hand at this option several years ago, I found a very select few nice guys. They were not for me, but nice enough for someone who likes grow men smoking pot, living rent free in basements and loving it, between careers, between jobs even…..THEN I ‘met’ Mr. Cairo in December 2015.  Mr. Cairo lives in Boulder, CO, or so he says. I briefly emailed back and forth on the site and then  we texted on our phones. Then I didn’t hear from him for a few days; no biggie. Then he reappeared and we set a date for about a week right before Christmas. We were supposed to meet that Sunday, the week of Christmas. The evening before he states he needs to go to Cairo (not Georgia, not Illinois, not New York, but TRULY the land of pharaohs and pyramids) on business THAT night right after his business meeting in Boulder that he had told me about. He said he would be gone 2-3 weeks at the most and did not want to lose contact with me. Great. That didn’t seem too bad. Right after the holidays, he would be back and all would be grand. I was thinking that’s not too far off and we can text as he said that he would text every day. Fabulous.

We texted pretty much every day. We even started talking on the phone, coordinating good phone call times with the nine hour  difference. The reception was horrible. Most of the time, we had to repeat ourselves over and over, making a 10 minute convo last 40 minutes. I will now admit full heartily that I really liked this British guy. He said he was from Manchester, England and he holds two passports, US & UK. He said he owns his home in Boulder, CO and lives close by two his children, two teens: a girl and a boy. He’s been divorced some years and that’s always a plus as newly divorced drama is too much for me. I learned that the hard way.As usual.  Anyway, we learned about each other and never once did he ask me anything inappropriate as most guys do. The two to three weeks passed so quickly. Then I started asking a lot more questions.

Advance a month (mid-January 2016): It has now been a month and the road blocks are coming up. The reg flags started to wave furiously. While he is telling me he’d love to take me to Mexico of my time off work  in February, he just can’t seem to get away.  I do understand that offering to take a stranger to Mexico after a month and  no actual  physical meeting seems odd, dangerous, red-flag raising. I got caught up in the moment and actually for a minute thought this was  a viable and reasonable way to spend some PTO time. With a total stranger that has two passports that I have never met.  A man currently in Cairo with no clear return date.  I came back to earth shortly after that, several weeks even. A bit too long for my personal liking, in retrospect. Being taken in by this invitation came slightly before his new road block that I  am about to tell you about.

Then a week or two later, another road block pops up. This time, it’s about tariffs for some construction in Cairo (where he is working and has his own apartment, but no car). This gets resolved, but for the first time in weeks, I don’t hear from him for several days; you would think this is not a big deal for long distance with him being in Cairo after all. For us, it was very odd. We talked or texted every single day.  After the weekend, a new road block comes up after he got the tariff. Now he has to raise 50K dollars  “or so” to buy some machines; then everything “will be done” and he can come “home”  to Boulder. At this point, red flags have been clearly  raised. Flying sky high. The more I ask, the less answers I find. Things are NOT adding up. He has said he put 500K dollars into this project to get more than 1.3 million dollars back.

I started doing a little research on this man. He put up a Face Book page with nothing  on it but his photos and a nickname. He had no Facebook page until  I asked why there is nothing I can google on him. It’s his picture, but no other posts. Nothing. He has no links or hits when I google him. By our age , I expect we can google someone and there will be some reference to something. NOTHING. I even looked up Cairo construction projects and did not see any clear information about construction in Cairo  over the Dec/January 2016 time period. He has NO proof of ownership of a home under the name he gave me.  The assessor’s office has public records, but to no avail. I couldn’t find any hits on the people finder websites either that matched the name he told me. I know he lived in Michigan and California previously. Nothing.  Things started to send up flags at every turn.

Advance to the beginning of February 2016: he is now hoping to be home by the time I go on my PTO in February, but states he is having a hard time getting back. Weeks later, he is still talking about finding people for the 50K that he needs to get back “home” to Boulder. By now, I just said “I surely hope you are not going to ask me”. He said ” I’d never ask you for that”. By the weekend of February 14th, I am hearing from him less and less and texted him on 2/14  telling him how disappointing it was not to hear from him. On Valentine’s Day. Yes,  I texted many times. I  am fully culpable. This is after a period of time we texted and talked on the phone every day. Nothing now, within about a week after it was clear I was not giving him a cent. Then a few days later on 2/17, he texts me “Hey babe. Are you there. Are you getting this”.  I texted him many times to check as reception can be pretty crappy. I give him the benefit of the doubt for that reason ALONE. I then thought as he texted me that day at around 9pm or so his time, he may have fallen asleep, with his 10-12hours days and all. So I text a bit more the next day. Nothing. Yes, I should have definitely stopped there.  One more text on 2/24/2016 and you guessed it: Nothing.
That was my last text to him. I will be honest. This was  so disappointing. I honestly felt that because he wasn’t asking me for explicit information about me, no monetary conversations other than his own business needs, no demands for phones and laptops and iTunes cards like others have tried to scam me in the past, he seemed okay. Until things weren’t. Until he mentioed the 50K several times, denying my “need” to send him anythig. Until I just couldn’t get past the fact he couldn’t verify his identity in any real way at all beside some half-assed FaceBook page with his nickname only.  It was truly a let down. I think he tried the most perfect scam. The others didn’t invest time or effort with their obvious scams; they made demands pretty quickly (within a week or two, which I didn’t fall for then or now). His was a pretty perfect scam. Let her really like me and offer me the money. Let her come to me with offers to get me “home” to Boulder.
I must tell you his name. I know it has to be fake. I know there is nothing verifiable about this name after a google search and searches on three different people search sites. I think the reason I am going to tell you his name is that if he is enough of a douchebag to try to scam another intelligent woman who will google his name, maybe this will come up on a search for them and they can know the truth.

Or maybe it is just me that believed some of this crap before it stopped really adding up.
I could be the idiot. Writing this definitely felt good, though!

His name (as given to me): James Austen.

Hang tight for douchebag #2. What an ass!

A Tale of 2 Douchebags: where do I begin?

So how do I begin this tale? I promised myself I must  be honest. I tried to consider a better word than douchebag. I even consulted the thesaurus for a more suitable substitute. It turns out there is no substitute deserving of these two men. I like guys, truly, I do. It is usually what gets me in trouble; this is no kind of man-hating rant. I am going to just tell the story of an attempt to meet and date a guy who seemed perfectly awesome, then turned into a potential scam. A perfect mirage.  The second experience I had (douchebag #2 for the lack of a better word) was a different animal altogether. I will try to share both with the utmost of honesty and anonymity, all at the same time. Everything is true. Everything is my actual experience.

In truth, these events happened  a bit ago (in the last 12 months), but I am wanting to post the most honest experiences and here they are!

I am hoping that women my age all around this planet will have better luck than I did with these two! I am almost positive that these two are so unique, one could not have any other type of luck.  Like I said, I will leave out names and overly identifying information, but some information defines my experience and must not be left out. With Mr. Cairo, I felt that as a scam and facade, his “name” was unsearchable, unprovable. I feel  that sharing the name he gave me may help others avoid any time spent with him, so I will share that one ONLY!

 

 

Blue Jeans

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These jeans  are only six years old, but they look older than they are. I bought them in 2010 as I was leaving a particularly difficult chapter in my life. I was living in Florida and had a shopping bag full of clothes, but only tank tops and shorts. My mother came down to help me with some personal things (like finding a divorce attorney, obtaining temporary housing, etc). My mom and  I knew I was headed toward a very difficult transition in my life. I had spent a few days at a friend’s place after being forced to leave my home where I lived for 9 months. She gave us a few nights in a gorgeous hotel in Sarasota. She took me to the mall to get a few things. Most of my things would be in a locked storage center till I saved money to get my own place in Denver (where I belonged). This pair of jeans was one of the few items of clothes I picked out. I brought them back to Denver with me. I did have a chance to grab more clothes, but these jeans made the move with me.

Six years later:  I am not a sentimental person as far as material goods go. So why with all these rips and tattered seams am I holding on to these jeans? If I thought it was because I never worked through the events that went down in Florida before I left, that would be easy. But I did that, thoroughly. I wish it was as easy as that. I went through Hell toward the end in Florida..and even for the first several years after I left that house in September 2010. I am pretty much on the other side now. I am very good at purging “stuff” that doesn’t fit, torn, stained, even 25-year-old college t-shirts.

So what’s with the jeans???  Should I hold  on to them since they are pretty cool and they fit me perfectly and just release the emotional baggage attached? Or do I pitch them in the trash?