With a very heavy heart…

To the loving mom of my first love,

This is so very hard to write, but as I was writing my letter of heart-felt loss to your son, I realized it is really you I need to reach. I am glad he was able to tell me about your health before now, so that I was able to reach out to you once more. I regret deeply that I haven’t reached out more often since then. And now, this is my only chance. And still, too late. I want to thank you for everything. Everything you have been since I met you more than a half a life time ago. Yes, do you remember? I was barely 20 years old. I did not have a driver’s license, so I think I came up there by bus. I remember so much. Some of the finer points are a bit fuzzy, but I remember the important things and many of  the little details.

I want to thank you, but when I want to let you know I haven’t forgotten all the little things, it doesn’t seem so eloquent in a long drawn out paragraph. Perhaps a list will get the point across in some way.  I know you were somewhat private about your health toward the end, so I am making this thank you note anonymous. Perhaps that doesn’t much matter now, but it is a mitzvah in your rememberence .  I want to learn how it feels to grieve someone so wonderful who is not related to me by blood/legal family.  I want to learn  how it feels to lose that deeply.  I wish it was written to someone else. I wish the lessons of grief and loss weren’t  because you had to leave all of us way too soon..  I have always known I had to learn things the hard way. I can’t just read a big old book on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross  on death and the five stages of grief and just “get it”.

Someone like you had to come along and show me unconditional love with an open heart and open door to your home to show me it wouldn’t be easy. When I first met you, in my early 20’s, I was just beginning my life. I was learning about everything in books. I met your son at some crazy party and he brought me up north to meet you and your husband and other son. You made me great food and always had soda and fun snacks (these were fun facts for a young woman who did not have soda and chips at any time for the taking!). I ate with paper napkins. I saw a cross  hung in your kitchen. Until then, I had never seen an actual cross in any home. You opened my eyes that people live  different lives than the ones in my little Beltway Bubble. I am eternally grateful for those little things, the paper napkins, the cross on the wall, the marriage and intact family you offered. So, without going further, there’s just too many things for a run-on sentence or long-lost paragraph, so here’s your list:

Thank you for:

  • showing me different religions and paths simply by showing me your cross in the kitchen.
  • letting me eat with paper napkins
  • inviting me each and every time into your home
  • showing me a loving intact family (being from a child of divorce)
  • making me chicken pot pie that was more like a soup
  • always having food and soda and fun snacks
  • always making sure I was taken care of at your home
  • when I arrived all shaky after  driving into the median on a highway and calling with a quarter from a payphone, you made sure I got to your place safely
  • showing me that no matter what, you can always love people who aren’t in your immediate family.
  • showing me that when people make other choices with their, there’s no need to judge.
  •  having your first son so that I could know what that innocent first love is all about and of course, thank you for raising your sons so well so that I could even have this letter to write.
  • supporting us in our choices to consider other places to live and letting me take him across the country to start the next chapter of  my life with him.
  • letting me be a part of your life tangentially (Facebook, holiday cards) even after my life with your son was over.
  • being unforgettable.
  • teaching me a lesson in grief of parent loss before I have to experience this with  my own parents. It sounds so selfish, but I am telling you really how selfless you are and you didn’t even know it!

I am sure I am missing so much over the past 27 years that I have known  you. I know paper napkins and crosses seem trivial to you, but they are not. They show me how people live amazing, but different lives than the one I lived up to that point.  It taught me tolerance at a young age, when I did not have much experience in much at all for that matter. In a time of feeling immortal when I was young, I am all grown up now and very much in touch with our mortality.  Thank you for showing me what counts.

You are so special. I am listening to Adele’s ’21’ as I wrote this. I am not sure if you ever listened to her, but it’s what I chose.

Thank you..

Wait for it….wait for it….

And there it is! So in my last post, I described the absolutely lightning speed recovery from a month-long relationship. I was somewhat blindsided by some of the guy’s break up speech, but was kind of aware of the insecurity (because of course, I felt it).  I  had a great Sunday morning and got to the Bronco’s game. By the end of my brat and diet coke lunch, came the second shock of my weekend.  HE TEXTED.AN APOLOGY. Yes, people would certainly say, calling is better. However, being at the game, I was totally fine with the text amidst the loud noises in our amazing seats! He admitted “you were right” and said he was sorry. He did NOT end the apology with a ‘but’ trailed by anything else negating the apology’s authenticity. He didn’t defend his awful behavior Saturday. He just apologized. Well, I was floored. But there is still work to be done. Words are cheap. They were words I have not heard often, if ever, from a guy I was dating. The words of “you were right”. We texted a bit more and he said he’d like to start over and admitted we went too fast , but he’d like to make that right as well.

So the next day, I sent one text of three words (I remember the text issue and plan to stick with small amounts of texting conversation, even with his apology). He texted back and we made a plan to play it by ear for Monday. I never saw him, but as it was Halloween, he had kid obligations. I went down south to spend time with my friend and her family, and he texted me later that evening.

 

Tuesday morning he texted me first and we sent a few texts. I was very surprised he wanted to come for dinner when I invited him over. Last night was quite amazing.He apologized in person again. To my face. He and I talked and talked. And talked. He told me that he felt like an asshole and said that either Saturday night or Sunday before he texted me, he realized “he was falling for this woman and just pushed her away”. He told me then he definitely wanted me to be a party of his life (and his kids).  We talked about spending more time together and strengthening our relationship. We discussed honesty. We discussed spending time with the kids once our relationship feels stronger. It was already getting stronger, just getting back to where we were, and then some.

I never imagined this would happen. I thought I was totally fine with out him. I think I realized that while I don’t need someone to feel whole, I did actually miss him a ton. Even just 24 hours taught me to keep true to me. To continue to work on me. No matter what. I do think that will be part of my success in all this.

So yes, I waited for something I didn’t even know was coming and that was pretty incredible. A first for me (a true apology with admission of wrong doing). I hope there are a lot of other awesome firsts. I think I could be falling for him also.

Scary. I will wait for the next time. As patiently as I can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oddly enough…

Oddly enough, the new relationship came to a screeching and abrupt end on Saturday around noon.  Apparently, my insecurity was too much for him. “We went too fast,” he said. Hell, I could have told  you that. As well as the overbearing physical closeness and over-texting. Funny, though, he had no problem with physical  closeness and being thisclose our first night getting to know each other. That’s when the going too fast part started. At the very very beginning. Before there was a beginning.  And oddly enough, after the first hour of venting to a friend, I was feeling much better already…an hour?  Okay, so if I am seriously feeling much better in an hour’s time of talking to a friend, then how heavy of a loss was it? I mean, yeah, I was upset when he told me today and in the aftermath of texting with a friend. An hour later, and I am over it? Maybe the relief of not stressing about texts or calls that never come.

I learned a few things  about myself. That’s huge. I think anytime we can be  what self-improvement is in order till I practice my imperfections. That’s the key to being open-minded though. We have to actually be willing to see those imperfections and have the volition to make positive changes. There’s the rub! We have to actually do something to effect change so that the disaster was not in vain.The disaster was just a tool to greater self awareness and a new improved you!

 

 

Two steps back

This week perfectly sucked. It certainly hasn’t been the suckiest week ever. Is that even a word? Probably not. Does not matter. It describes my week just that way.

I have taken a few steps backward in my mental and  physical health. I ate crap  and did not exercise. The lack of a proper diet and lack of exercise set me up for poor sleep hygiene. I owe it to myself to be kinder to my body; nothing and no one is worth ruining what I worked so hard to build for myself. I am pretty disappointed. I am hoping I can get a good power walk in after a nice birthday brunch with my good friend.

I am feeling torn between the virtue of patience and knowing this relationship is worth a bit of struggle with scheduling and the idea that I am worth it. That he is also frustrated and wants me to be a priority, but yet, the situation is just hard of him as well. I think I need to figure out whether I am entitled to know this? Is it normal that we just don’t know this? That this is the risk, the not knowing if it’s all worth it, that we just don’t know what we are getting into? If we are not “all in”, is it even worth it? I am an “all in” person. I am also a person that likes a plan, likes the intention. I am working on the healthy balance. I can be intense and I know it. I need to shed the insecurity.

Have  a good weekend & let me know your thoughts!

To The Max!

img_0004

Max is my amazing puggle. I want him to be recognized for the amazing, intuitive, caring and hilariously spoiled pup that he is. He licks my wounds when they are bleeding (sounds gross, but it’s very sweet), he licks my tears (I know, they’re salty!), and he sleeps touching me every night…….. He’s mine and I am in love!

Stripped…

I am just going to go and say it, straight up: I was inspired by the last lines of the last  episode of season six, part two of Sex and the City. Carrie talks about all of the relationships we have. But, then she says  the most important relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves.

I think the  relationship we have with ourselves  is one of the hardest we could ever hope to grow and mature, because we can’t hide from ourselves. Sure, we can try. We can hide behind our Paige jeans, that grad school degree, very decent wages, hot pizza, alcohol and/or drugs,  (good, bad and Prince-style) sex, and hell, I guess we can even hide behind our successes and failures. But, really, all that is really background noise.

I feel that the more I have, the more I can try to hide behind. I am successful, I finally fit into real skinny jeans for the first time in a really long time, and I have a decent share of intellect. I feel that all that is stripped when emotions take over. Intellectually,  I know NO material things are very useful armor when that insane insecurity possesses every fiber of strength I thought I had.  And, I also know the distance between my head and heart is unbearably long.  It is really fucking frustrating. Seriously. So much progress, so much building up of what I had lost right after my divorce. 5.5 years of reattaining the things I lost. I was strong. I had things. I got back on my feet with an apartment in a decent place, a nice bed again, weight loss when I was ready to eat well,   new hobbies and passions and a bit of self-confidence, I thought.   It only takes a new  and real relationship to check the quality of my relationship with myself.

So there’s still work to be done. I hate, no….I loathe, knowing  everything  I attained to create security means nothing when I realize those are just THINGS.

What a reality check when you realize how stripped you can be when self-love is tested. Because really we have to love ourselves always. Not just when someone else does or when we love “things” or people  we surround ourselves with.

Just a question: How  long did it take  you to lose the insecurity that caught you off guard?

and P.S.: Yes, I was  listening to Stripped  by Depeche Mode while I was writing this post. How did you know? One of my favorite albums, Black Celebration came out in 1986; I was in the UK that summer.I think that summer and the music I took back across the pond changed me forever. Tonight, I listen to it, transported back to 1986 in London. The summer I met Andrew McCarthy (and have a picture to show for it). When I find it, I’ll post it!

PPS: Tangentially speaking, Andrew McCarthy had just made one of my favorite movies of that time, St. Elmo’s Fire a year before, in 1985.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Great Expectations

Armed with my  incredible friends, experts in different areas of life and death, I am learning to ask for help in the arena of managing expectations.

I have always felt that the low hanging fruit were now  behind me. I have started to feel that  by setting the bar high is good, I was exuding higher self-esteem, standards, expectations (job, hair, clothes, income, car, housing, really ridiculous….).  I began elevating the standards so high, that it almost became impossible for me not  to be disappointed. And putting a list on paper really became my downfall. I started judging everyone from the get go.

Until this guy  I am dating now. I was immediately attracted to him and we got along great. My stupid mental checklist didn’t exclude the big things: honesty, integrity, character, but it  also required the  absurd  and superficial components. They disappeared when I met this guy. Period. End of story.

So, advance 2-3 weeks: We were perhaps moving too fast (planning a getaway);  I started out so well, minimizing and managing expectations that were really unreasonable to begin with (the mental list). Then my ego snuck back in. The ego started developing a different version of a  mental list. This list described  what I wanted to hear or thought I needed to hear at certain times.This is NEVER GOOD. NEVER. EVER. GOOD. Yes, we can expect a modicum of respect and honor, but if the honesty and integrity are there, I have to ask myself, what else do I absolutely need to hear, on my time, no less? This insight comes directly courtesy of one of those great friends with experiences I have not yet gained. When saying I am patient, I need to mean it.Then when the things I want to hear are said, I am hearing them from a truly honest place, not a place based enabling my insecurities.

Have I sabotaged myself? When he told me this morning I was being  insecure (though the circumstance was a bit unusual and the source of my insecurity  very specific), I had not had time to process the origin of my insecurity, but I owned it because it was the truth. I felt insecure, but  it was not until  later did I realize how situation specific it was. My insecurity started earlier in the week. I told him that I didn’t deny the insecure feelings lately and  thought  we needed some  more time alone together (which he agreed) to get back to the really good  real conversations we had in the first 1-2 weeks. He agreed.   emotional intimacy is what I want and I think he agrees, even though we did not quite title it that way exactly.  When it was time to go home this morning, I told him it would be great to see him in a few days and I couldn’t wait (sentiment he usually returned). He said nothing other than “see you then” with a kiss and I left for home.  I texted him a brief bit later to mention something trivial and “have a great day!”.  No word. So no more texting, no more insecurity.  I know my self-worth. I know I am intelligent, caring, intense,  big-hearted, intuitive, sensitive and trusting. Right this minute, I am trying to recover from this transient insecurity.

How do you manage expectations? Do you remain hopeful, but some how have some incredible skill for removing the expectation from the hope of an outcome? Or  is hope or wishful thinking just a euphemism for “setting up expectations”?  How is that you achieve that balance?

Leave a comment and thank you in advance for your input!

Have a great week everyone!

 

Hold on…

I guess I am going to sit tight, fasten my seatbelt and have some faith. I am going to stop questioning every thing. I am going to make myself sick. Exhausted. Done.

I am going to hold on for a nice calm ride on a roller coaster that stays level.

Hold on to security, stability, sanity, but not so tight that you will lose it all.

Know what I am saying?

 

 

 

Conquering the mole hills

So I need to stop conquering the mole hills like they were the mighty Colorado mountains. Why do I seek out discord where there is none? Am I so conditioned to be attuned to the ever so loud thump  of the other shoe falling that I can’t listen to the incredible music all around me? I need to stop it. Right now. I have come across one of the best things to happen to me and I feel so scared. It’s the littlest things I am making into a big ordeal. I wish I could reason this out. Is there was some obvious reason for  turning  nothing into something? I know I am abnormally sensitive. I know I am really intense. I feel these things to my core. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I am blessed for these attributes.

I don’t want to mess this up.  I have been through the frogs, the toads, the venomous scorpions. I have survived the unpredictability of a raging alcoholic.   I deserve goodness.  I have to keep repeating this. Everyday. Until I actually believe it. Every single day.

Have you ever had to remind yourself of the goodness that you so deserve? Did it work? Can you actualize goodness just by finally believing it?

Please share your experience.
Thanks and have an amazing evening!

No drama, no problem

As I got ready for bed, I was playing around Facebook. I posted an old picture of me as a blonde. Check out my About Me Page: I am clearly not blonde. I was feeling nostalgic for circa 2009.  I guess as I got ready to actually sleep, I found that I couldn’t. More nostalgic than ever, I guess.  And now just realizing that I may just be plagued with a writer’s mind. Why is it that my most intense thoughts come late at night? Why do I not trust my self to remember them in the morning at a more post-appropriate hour? I am SO NOT a night person. However, I am compelled to write now. I keep hearing “don’t write it later,  censored by a good night’s sleep and a will to kindly protect those who crushed me”…So I trudge on.

Instead of counting sheep tonight, I found myself counting all the past relationships (female friends, male friends, boyfriends, husband, girl I mentored) that were so toxic for me that I had to leave them in the past. Leaving those relationships behind , as venomous to my spirit as they were, were some of my most difficult and turbulent moments in the last 5-6 years. The most interesting thing is that the memories are coming back into my thoughts at a time where I am developing a very nice healthy relationship. It’s as if I am setting out to sabotage myself with still-too-vivid memories of disappointment, betrayal, distrust, sadness, perpetual anxiety, and loss. Basically  a Pandora’s box of misery. Why, oh why? Why are they coming to the surface now?  I have a  really awesome  thing going here.

What.Am.I.Doing.To.Myself?  I would almost think if I was some psychologist, that  I just suffer from low self-esteem, that perhaps I don’t know how to deal with a great thing when it comes, perpetually destined to  think: “do I deserve this?”. Maybe the damage is done. The horrid years of being bullied/harrassed/perpetually teased  and no way back.  How would I know smooth sailing if the sailboat’s boom hit me in the face?  I wouldn’t.  Or at least I haven’t. That needs to change. Now.  What I can tell you, after quite  a few years of self discovery, is that I know that I, do in fact, deserve good and amazing things.  I know  my diet and exercise achievements, my acquisition of French as a foreign language, and blogging are a great start. A healthy relationship is here. It is my job not to royally  fuck it up.

So I am learning. Learning from a very good guy that there can be life with out drama, anxiety, sabotage, frequently broken hearts or abundant tears. Why in Hell did it take me so damn long?  I seriously hope you are not planning on telling me that perhaps I wasn’t ready for it.  Yet, I would probably end up agreeing with you in the end.  My life could potentially and finally be so much better than it was 5-7 years ago. I am starting to feel great and if I don’t watch out, I am going to turn into my worst enemy and really mess up a fantastic thing.

Be your own advocate. Be your own support system and accept the wisdom of your friends around you. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, they know you pretty damn well. I guess I have been blessed this whole time,  after all!

And, yes, you ARE worth it. You ALWAYS were.  Don’t fuck it up!