Alyssa

What my marriage taught me: about my relationship with money

When I met this guy, I had a good job. I owned (at least financed) a condo, and had a time share. I had one of my many VW’s and I was independent. I didn’t need anyone to help finance my survival. I actually took a trip with him that he financed. That was fine with me, if he wanted to do that. He didn’t just kinda seduce me with his constant treats. Dinners, snacks, a trip to Mexico. Whatever…. he did seduce me. I got swept away with all this free goodies when I dated this guy. We broke up a few months after the Mexico trip in the spring of 2006.

Advance to December, 2008: He contacted me. I fell for him all over again. I will skip a lot of these details of the marriage, but the beginning was the end. The alpha and the omega. And I didn’t even realize it. I thought this was the beginning of a long beautiful marriage; we eloped in the Bahamas. He suggested I would want rings, engagement and wedding bands. YES. I wanted it all. Of course I did. I have never been married and I didn’t care about a big wedding or even a wedding dress that lasts a few hours. I wanted the jewelry that would last a life time. We talked in the Bahamas about money and our financial situation. Suffice it to say: I wouldn’t need to worry, he said. He’d handle it, he confirmed. I was elated. Everything looked good. Maybe it always looks good at T minus 4 days. So four or so days later we got married, in the Bahamas as planned. It was simple and the details are important, but not in this context. It was not all that perfect in those elopement days. I will get to that in another post in my three-part series.

We returned home. We lived an interesting existence based his income alone. I loved not working, but what I dealt with in the mean time was definitely not what I had bargained for. Let’s just say the meat of this marriage is what I am saving my memoir for. I want to share about the relationship I had with money and how its affected my relationship now as a result of this marriage. I lived in this marriage, free of gainful employment. But I worked for it. Believe me. I worked. Nothing is for free.

In 2010, I went packing. I took everything I owned in one evening. While my ex-husband claimed he was my meal ticket during those last days, I begged to differ. I lost everything that was mine and became dependent on his income because I had NO RESPECT FOR THE VALUE OF WHAT I HAD: My profession. My own income. My own belongings, in my own name. Even my own measly retirement funds. I was seduced by what he had to offer and lost sight of what I had to offer because his purse was larger. But his purse strings were tighter. I was given about 3-5 hours to frantically pack all my memories into cardboard boxes. I had already had my American Express frozen and a visa I had from the marriage rendered unusable as well. Mortifying, as this happened in a busy line at Walmart. Thankfully, I had thought to get as much money as I could out at an ATM while I still could. I packed my things and left to return to Denver, Colorado, my long time home.

Within a year, I was divorced and regained my maiden name. Within two years, my ex-husband had chosen to hold me responsible for the home we ‘bought’, even though the court agreed he had signed up to make payments. I was bankrupt within the next year.

With 3 months to go, I am looking forward to the end of my bankruptcy. As I regained footing in my chosen profession, I had a job and I filed according to my capability to repay. I have learned so many things. So much that seems cliché and obvious by theory. So much that people assume as transparent conclusions. Maybe I am slow and had to learn the hard way. Maybe I am greedy and I had to have it taken away from me back in 2009. Maybe I am all those things. But I don’t think I am the only one. I can’t be the only one seduced by a financial situation that seemed so fantastic, it was worthy of erasing any self-worth. SO yeah, I got away with living in alternative RV life style, seemingly semi- retired for less than 24 months, but I paid the price. I definitely paid the price. I sold my self worth and self-respect and pride to a higher bidder; i was seduced by shiny objects, starting with an over priced engagement ring and wedding ring, followed by an oversized SUV, etc.etc.etc.

What I learned in the last 6 years:

1.NOTHING IS FREE. EVER.

2. I can survive on way less than what I THINK I NEED.

3. I can choose to value what I have if I can learn to respect how hard I had to work to get it.

4. I can choose to be frugal, even when my pride is bruised. I learned how to cook and buy what I need, not what I have coupons for. I have learned to buy (more) whole food and avoid packaged food. This is really the cheaper way to go in the long run.

5. I can learn that one can survive in a CASH ONLY EXISTENCE; my debit visa card was a good thing to have: my bank didn’t have to give an account to a bankrupt person, but they did. This visa debit card made it much easier to use cash.

6. I MUST value what I have, even if the price tag and asset summary seems like a joke. IT’s not a joke. Its mine. And I will NEVER lose my self-worth again. I just can’t afford to.

My relationship with money has changed dramatically. While I wish i did not need to go through a divorce and bankruptcy to teach me the real value of self-worth and monetary assets, it changed the way I see everything I consume and everything I choose not to consume. I consume less so that I can have more. I buy less food so that I can feel better about my health. The benefits of my new outlook go on and on. But it’s not all about the money.

My next two installments in this series address the other perspectives changed as a result of my marriage. I know I will tend to skip big pockets of time, but those pockets are filled with other lessons, other turmoil that aren’t germane to the post at hand.

What is not covered n the three-part post series I am going to complete will be addressed in another format, to come hopefully in the next year or two.

Please comment if you can share about your experience. I would love to hear how other people have learned from financial crises and changed the way they see themselves and the way they spend/use money.

Happy new years!

I want to wish you all a happy new years! Please, 2017, just get here!!

I realize that I have announced my three-part series on what my marriage taught me, but have not yet posted. I became a little distracted by two other issues that I will call real life issues; I want to occasionally have a real life series as well. I knew that I wouldn’t have a shortage of topics. I am so grateful the writer in me has a lot to say. I just don’t want to make promises about upcoming posts that don’t get written quite as quickly as I had anticipated. I just seem to simultaneously want to unleash as much as possible. That’s my conflict and writer’s struggle!

So far my real life issue topics:

Sexual assault and consent (at any age)

Bullying (old school, cyber….)

There’s more that will come up, I am sure, but those are the ones that speak to me now.

Please be patient and if you have a preference before this Tuesday, please let me know which of these topics should I write on first? Should I write on both then move on to a consecutive posting on my three-part series?

Please comment on any preferences on how /what order I present? Otherwise, I guess we will all be surprised!!

Paired music selection right now: I am listening to Tori Amos (Little Earthquakes). I saw her at Red Rocks and at DU. Powerful musician. This album says a lot for me about the real life issues I mentioned above. She’s what’s on my mind now.

If you are out and about please be careful.

If you are at home, be good to yourself and sleep well.

HAPPY 2017!

Thank you readers!!

Thank you!

I started this blog as a fresh start in my intention to really write. I wanted to write and learn how to write. I still want to do that and it has exploded into so much more.I have started to learn about others and their style of blogging. I have been encouraged by your “likes” and “following” of my blog /posts.

My dream is to write a memoir. I am starting here. Thank you for sharing the journey with me and please keep reading.I welcome any comments that may help or give insight into the art of blogging and/or writing. I started in September and I have a huge open road in front of me and extremely excited to explore it!

Thank you so much for your support thus far; it is appreciated more than you could know!

See you soon!
-Alyssa

My Apple watch tells me to breathe so I press “dismiss” OR: How do I make time to breathe, much less meditate?

So there. I disregard healthy reminders to breathe. I do self-care, but it seems more haphazard than it had been earlier in the year. The “Breathe” app magically appears with a “ping!”, gently nudging me that I need to take time out of my busy life to remember me, to breathe, to take a time out. One minute. That’s all Apple asks of me – a mere and measly minute. So, of course, I promptly press dismiss. I do occasionally press “start” when I have nothing else I should be doing. I must take this time out to literally remember to breathe. How did I meditate for 15-20 minutes once upon a time and now I can’t be bothered to breathe?! Where are my priorities?

Let’s get back to basics. My new years resolution will be to breathe intentionally as much as possible throughout the day. I would like to work up to getting back to meditation, but seriously…how can I hope to meditate when I can’t even take a minute to breathe with purpose and exhale everything toxic and inhale new life. Let’s take one thing at a time. I’m going to start with breathing with intention at least 3-5 times a day. Why don’t we begin there and see what happens?

Meditation is a whole other beast and my mind needs to learn to exhale the toxic crap with lists of shit to do and reminders about dry cleaning pick ups and bills to pay. Yeah, I need to exhale that crap before I can hope to meditate.

Please leave a comment if you have any good tools or tricks to remember how to take a time out, even for a minute!

FOR MY LOYAL READERS: My series on what my marriage taught me will commence soon! I promise you that and look forward to sharing my experience.

Good secrets, bad secrets…: My introduction to a three part series on what my marriage taught me

Are secrets okay? Are we only as sick as our secrets? Why do we keep secrets? I feel that sometimes we keep other people’s secrets and some of our own to preserve a bit of privacy and dignity, some self-respect and a dash of mystery. We keep secrets about arriving baby gender, relationships (of any type), opinions on work, money and politics. We do this to keep the peace and keep our opinions and personal history to ourselves. Is there anything wrong with this? Other times, our secrets aren’t based in any nobility.

Our other secrets are not based on dignity, respect or privacy. These secrets build upon each other, slowly growing till they get so big. Then airing out these well-kept skeletons is so daunting, it’s scary. Super scary. If we wait long enough, the secrets create a solid icon clad wall. The wall is fused with pride, fear, and insecurity including financial and emotional. To get through this from the inside out we have to be strong. SO strong. This is the part that can really suck. Like.Really.Suck. We can’t expect others to get in if we can’t even get out. These are the secrets that make us sick and poisoned inside. Poisoned by the pride that makes us feel that we are better than you. The toxic insecurity that makes you NEVER as good as. These secrets that destroy us. Unless…..

Unless we can talk or write or get out alive. This is why I want to write about what my marriage taught me. I can write about it. I want to share it because if it gives you pause, if it makes you think about how you view something sour and wretched and awful, then I say thank you. I have done my job writing this three part post series:

Part I: What my marriage taught me about my relationship with money

Part II: What my marriage taught me about fear

Part III: What my marriage taught me about me and future interpersonal/romantic relationships

*****************************

I am going to ask for your input, your experience, how your last relationship prepared you for the next one!
Stay tuned!!

I continue to wear these jeans since my very first post about them. I think they are magical. They give me courage. They also make me cold as you can see the holes! Perhaps I will shelf them for a warmer season or even a warmer Colorado day! They are the jeans I wear when I self-doubt my ability to get through these next three measly months. They are the jeans I choose when I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. Miraculously, I am usually 99% comfortable as is, but sometimes I need to put something on that makes me feel I can do anything. These jeans are that “something”. Pending snow, I think I will wear them on my next day off. I could use an extra special something this week.

Have an amazing week and let this last week of 2016 be your inspiration for an impeccably awesome 2017. Nothing is perfect, but I strive to move forward! How about you?

What do you wear or bring with you to get a handle on comfort?

On writing fiction

Do I dare? Do I take a complete risk? I have no fiction writing experience, but I want to write. I know that I have material for my blogs and my plans for a few memoirs (literally three life experiences that could each take up a book), but fiction?

Plot lines, premise, main characters, story interest and relevance? Is this really any different than a well written memoir? I don’t think so. I can’t NOT write. I can’t NOT put myself out there.

Thank you. You’ve helped me answer my own question!

Have an awesome weekend!!

Happy holidays, part deux

So I was asked by someone, with whom I shared my last post topic : “so what does offend you?”…..

Hmmm. I think this is more dicey. It’s easy to see I am all easy-going with this holiday greeting crap. I am easy going there and happy to be so. I do get offended, but I think it needs to be more personal. So, lets ponder. If someone says “Merry Christmas” and they don’t know me, I am not offended as no harm was meant by it. There is no dig, no ignorant slam against a group of people, no attempt to make a joke at someone’s expense. It is simply a greeting of kindness and sharing joy.

There is a time to be thick-skinned and a time to be offended and take action. There is a time to let things go. But when something pisses me off about some joke told by some ignorant jackass (male or female) aimed at a group of people, it’s hard for me to shut up. I know of Asian and Jewish comediennes who make fun of their own and it is funny up to the point of self-deprecation. The problem is the pushing of the envelope. I am not offended by women talking about sex, graphically, in comic detail. I find it more offensive when men do it. Why is that? So, just to be clear I am not talking bout racist comments and slurs passed off as jokes. I am talking about WHAT OFFENDS ALYSSA? A proper list should be made! Here we go:

ignorant Jewish and other ethnic jokes
shitty parents
people who cheat and/or lie ( stealing the right to truth from their loved ones, so yes, offensive)
male comedians telling graphic sex jokes (women don’t bother me and I recognize the irony of this double standard)

Okay this is a short list. I am stumped. Things irritate me much more than truly offend me, hence a short list.

One person that has NEVER offended me is John Lennon. I heard a Beatles song during the writing of this post. I am compelled to include a photo I took in Central Park 4-5 years ago.

The “holidays”

I am Jewish, but I’m not religious. Since it’s hard to be a religious Jew with eight tattoos. The part during the “holidays” that makes me cringe is when people assume I resent being greeted with a “merry Christmas” because I am Jewish. How could I possibly resent a pleasant holiday greeting from a total stranger? How could I hate your generosity in thinking of saying “merry Christmas” to me? How could I possibly be offended by goodwill? Tis the season!

But then there are the people who may be aware that I may not be Christian or don’t care or know and they usually end up saying “happy holidays”; the holidays, being the ones that happen generally at the end of the year and nothing really specific. Okay, I’ll gladly take their friendly holiday wishes too! They are trying to not “offend” non Christians and I think that’s pretty cool, but it still doesn’t make a big difference; you thought of me and reached out to wish me a great holiday season. Thank you. I mean that sincerely.

Then there are those few people who know me. They wish me a “happy Chanukah”. They know me. And that’s pretty cool.

Whatever you celebrate, have an amazing end of year! I plan to blog a lot in these last few weeks. I am feeling inspired. I almost wished you all a happy Chanukah, but I lost my nerve during spell check!

Please please please share your thoughts on the holiday spirit and how you express it with others, especially strangers!