Author: Alyssa

I blog on brilliantdistraction.com about relationships, friendships, and the art of genuine integrity and character! Come visit me!

Redesigning Retirement or Luxury is not overrated if you can afford it….

So I have been rethinking a lot of what I have believed most of my adult life. I got my Doctorate. I began my career when I was 30 years old (though I have been working since I was 16 years old and neighborhood jobs before that). I have only stopped once and that’s when I got married and took 1 year and 9 months off to explore the country.

But here I am working away. I love what I do; don’t get me wrong, but I do feel that I work hard. With this, came my sense of deserving. I deserved to work hard, play hard. I deserved to travel. Most importantly, I deserved to have nice things. I certainly have a retirement plan and ancillary funds for “later in life”. I felt set. So, off I went. Acquiring things….like things I perceived as nice: Tiffany, designer handbags, decent shoes (nothing crazy, but Freebird boots aren’t cheap), and nice cars. Then nicer cars. I started traveling when I was 30. Small stuff..Mexico trips with my female friends and boyfriends. I got a time share and visited the Bahamas a few times. Then more recently (since 2017), trips to Europe and cruises. And more Louis Vuitton and Tiffany. And so it goes. Until I stunned myself into a stark reality in the past few weeks. I want to retire soon (well, in 10 years). And I am no where near ready. Sure, I still have my retirement funds. Yes, plural. But, alas, not enough. I took stock of what I had. In my newly acquired townhouse closet. Ohmygod….it mortified me. 

What the fuck am I doing? I don’t regret anything. Well, mostly anything. I don’t regret my travel experiences. At all. Do I regret the purses and shoes that aren’t even comfortable anymore? Do I regret the jewelry that I somehow collected from Tiffany, Cartier and John Atencio over the past 10-15 years? Well, it’s not Harry Winston of course, but did I need it? No. I will say there are a few pieces I bought in Europe and they are special; I wear them every day. Those are memories and I will never regret those. But, I don’t need the purchases that have no rhyme or reason. Why and how did this happen?

I have a pretty good idea and I said it before. I deserved it. I worked hard. I wanted to show myself I worked especially hard. The problem is I put that effort in the wrong place. What do I do now that I want to retire? Thinking about redesigning my retirement plans actually really motivates me to make new choices. The plan for success does not lie in what I have in front of me, in my closet. It is the cash stacked up in the bank, in my retirement fund, in my IRA. That’s what I equate with success now; not only does that make sense at my age, but it is abso-fucking-lutely mandatory. So where do I go from here?

I have a collection of barely worn shoes and jewelry that I plan on selling. I think the Feng shui of this crap is polluting my sense of the future and clean thinking. After I sell this stuff and Goodwill my larger sized clothes (next blog is ob my weight loss journey), I will be much more intentional in my purchases. As far as the luxury car, I am going to figure out the best economical plan when the lease is up. If it is less expensive to buy it out than buy a more responsible car (think Toyota, Volkswagen, Honda), I will do so. I will not lease again. Money lost. I did that just so I could afford the nicer cars monthly. I want to buy a car so I will have no monthly payments when I retire. I am buckling down. I am getting serious. I am actually enjoying this. Success is in the bank, not in my closet.

Now, is luxury overrated? No. I don’t think so. If you can afford it. If you can buy this stuff and still put the appropriate money in the bank and retire WHEN you WANT to, then all is good. I just could not do both. So here I am. And I am happier than I have ever been about my material existence. But, for the record, I am NOT giving up travel. Ever.

The boyfriend, the travel plans, and the real estate—it’s a lot!

I think after the six month mark, I can more than safely say he is the BF (boyfriend). We celebrated the milestone with a nice dinner. I am excited to go to Europe with him this summer. We have actually been planning this for a while; we are visiting the following cities:Galway (Ireland), Edinburgh, London, Paris, Carcassonne (France), Barcelona, and Porto (Portugal) in a short amount of time. This should be interesting!! I just bought us a 2 day London Pass, which appears economical but we shall see. Stay tuned on this trip!

Sooo, while this is so much fun, I am facing a major stressor and that is the selling of my condo. This market is horrible!! I am hoping that it sells soon because I have a townhouse to move into this fall. I am so excited for this townhouse, I can hardly contain myself, but the deadline for selling the condo is wearing very heavily on my mind. My realtor is doing everything he can with marketing and being strategic. Everything I am reading financially tells me this is a market issue, not a realtor issue, but I am still stressed to the max. My boyfriend has been extremely supportive. He has been helpful in helping me with my pup on showing and open house days, etc. I just can’t wait to get into this newer larger townhouse; by newer, I mean brand new. It is being built as I write this.

More to come….

Four months later…

So, I had a great holiday season with the Eligible Bachelor (EB) and we are still together four months later! I celebrated some of the holidays with his family and all of them with him. It’s been unexpected and amazing… who would have known, especially meeting in October and going into the awkward holiday season? But it worked. And you know what? When it’s right, it will all work out.

So, on our first date, it was all about travel. That’s my biggest hobby and he is way more well travelled than I am. Our first trial getaway was Glenwood Springs, CO and it went well. We knew we were going to travel well together; we knew more trips were in our future. Since then, we went diving in Mexico in January and have finalized 90% of our 2 week itinerary in Europe (in July). Does this sound like too much after a few months? Maybe so, but for the first time in a very very long time, it just feels right. I know what wrong feels like.

So let me talk about this a little bit. What does wrong feel like? Agitation, extreme butterflies in the stomach, can’t sleep, suspicion….the list goes on. Everyone says butterflies is an indication of that flutter of first lust and attraction. I am not sure I agree; I have anxiety and butterflies was always a sign of that. When I have extreme anxiety, something is usually wrong or concerning. With the EB, I have felt more calm and self-assured than other relationships in the past. Sure, I had some anxiety in the very beginning with some unknowns, but the truth is I think everyone has a little. I am usually overboard. He does not arouse suspicion, jealousy, or concerns for troublesome behavior. Over a very small amount of time, I have felt even more comfortable and at ease with him. Things just work well. So there are no butterflies, but instead a sense of calm that I wouldn’t trade anything for. I will take calm over butterflies any day!

Our relationship is fairly easy and this has been a long time coming for me. I feel like I can tell him anything and that if something is bothering me about “us”or anything else in my life, I can come forward and discuss it with him. He was able to do the same thing with me about something that was slightly bothering him and I think he was relieved that I was approachable as well. I think this bodes very well for the future. Is everything perfect? Nothing is perfect. Sometimes he is a little sarcastic and I sometimes am a little sensitive….but generally, I am getting a lot better at handing it back to him. He can take it as well as he dishes it out, so all is good!

Right now, we are on a fitness/weight loss journey together. How long have I been attempting this journey people (see past posts!!)?? We have a bet going and will be working on losing the greatest percentage of weight individually. Our bet will end the Monday before we leave for Europe in the summer, so about 5 months. We will continue to maintain our weight loss, but the initial loss will take place from now (the beginning of February, actually) til July. This has been so amazing and I have lost 6 pounds in the last 2 weeks, so things are off to a great start.

Personally, the winter season is one of my hardest. I hate the snow and the cold and not being outside; if my mood can be lifted and my will for weight loss and thrice weekly exercise at the gym can be attained now, I think my overall health and this relationship with the EB are off to good things in this exclusive relationship…

Stay tuned!!

What I am listening to now: Lana Del Ray Essentials

An eligible bachelor….

So maybe in the last couple of months, I have gone out with some real duds; there was one who yelled at the waitress for separate checks before I could verbalize my order. He did not drink and that was fine, except he seemed resentful of mine. He said he was sober, but he was pretty bitter about it. Then, he even so much as told me he had no ambition and lived with a bunch of guys, so he wouldn’t have to pay the bill for his own apartment. Again, great for him, but this was not for me.

Then just a few weeks later, I matched with someone on an app and we had actual chemistry right then and there. We finally met on the Sunday, towards the end of the weekend that we had started texting back and forth on the app, He had a slight cold and I was afraid he was going to cancel, but he did not. We did not trade numbers till the end of our first date. It was one of the best first dates I have ever been on, better than the first date with my ex-husband. That good- I really didn’t want it to end. He was assertive during the date and just kissed me right there in the bar. Granted, I had been scooting toward him over the course of an hour or two. It was perfect. Nothing more than kissing even transpired that night, which was refreshing. I am pretty sure he liked me, but we just ended it on a really good note.

Sooo, for the past few weeks, we have been dating and its been fun. He is so good to my dog and that’s so important. I had to put my older dog down and that’s a totally different blog post. We have had fun dates, amazing conversation and good communication. There’s this one thing. He keeps saying so far. “We’re great…. So far”. I get it, things have been rough on the dating scene, but seriously, we need to be positive. I am waiting for the other shoe to fall sometimes, but I know that being in the moment and not stressing about the future is what forms our memories and communications, our quality time… We have a lot of quality time, and just talk and talk for hours in the kitchen. I think we are both hesitant to go to fast and mess this up, so there have been sleepovers, but nothing really physical. That can wait. I haven’t felt like this in a very long time. I don’t even know what “THIS” is. It is so easy with him. I have told my friends about him but not my family (yet); he’s told his sister about me as well. Maybe just that I exist, who knows!

For now, I am getting more active than I have been lately. We go on walks with the puppy, bowling and I am even learning golf. Imagine that, I think I will keep this eligible bachelor,

Stay tuned. More on holidays, vacations etc with the EB!

Happy birthday to me.

As I get closer to my birthday this year, I realize there is so much I want to do to transform myself and to improve myself. I am starting a physical transformation in the next few weeks to months with my appearance. I am getting a mini makeover with my hair (big cut and color to go back to brown). I loved my hair blonde-ish but it fried my hair and it looks fried and so unhealthy, so this weekend, I am starting with a cut. Then, later this month comes the color. I can’t wait! The more important physical transformation will come with my weight loss and that comes with physical fitness, which I as you know has been a continuing struggle for me.

I’m going to the gym today with a friend to really commit to this because June didn’t cut it. I want to lose 40-50 pounds by next April and nothing really happened in June. I have joined Weight Watchers, which is awesome, but I have not been as consistent as I should have. To use an old phrase from my old life, it only works if you work it! I changed gyms because while I love, love, love the gym I have been going to, it’s been financially prohibitive. I joined a new gym that offers so much of the same stuff, but less than half of the current gym. I plan on going there Saturday (I am going to my friend’s gym today). I need to up my cardio game and try 30 minutes on the bike or treadmill instead of just 20. I think I am doing a good job on the weights as I am NOT trying to body build, but add muscle tone and strength.

The last part of my transformation is going to be mind/spirit oriented. I am looking at simplifying my life. How will I do that? I need to focus on filtering out the toxic people, working on my anxiety and spending more time at home with my new pup Cosette and English Bulldog, Sasha. I bought a coloring book and colored pencils and I think starting that will be really calming. I have heard good things about the practice of that type of focus.

I am going to use my birthday for New Year’s resolutions of sorts. I will keep you posted!!

One pup, two pup, go…..

I am finally writing again. It’s been quite a while, I know. In December 2022, I rescued an English Bulldog I named Sasha. I am told she may be around 7 years old. What I discovered is that she is not really potty trained; its now been 6 months and she’s getting better, but can you really teach an old dog new tricks? I have been trying, but probably not hard enough. She has been awesome though, and in all honesty, I am pretty sure she rescued me, just like my other pups. I have since had to put down Max and Lucy in 2021 & 2022. I waited 5 months before I adopted Sasha. Then I slowly realized two things. Sasha needed companionship and I really had always wanted a French Bulldog. So the search began.

I tried to rescue, but forgive me, the attempts did not work out. I ended up finding an amazing breeder. They were so patient with me before I decided to place a deposit; the woman who was my contact answered all my questions thoroughly and thoughtfully. I was able to lock down on a Frenchie that was going to be born in April. Sure enough, a huge litter was born on April 9th. Eight babies and I was number six in line to choose my fave. I got updates on photos and had a few in mind; while the males had the cool coloring (blue Merle and black solids), I got to pick out mine on May 20th.

When May 20th came around, I took one look at the ones I had to choose from; one of the ladies chose another litter, so I became number five to choose and this little blue Frenchie spoke to me. I picked her up and knew she was mine. I had a name already chosen for both male and female, depending on which I chose. She was perfect for me and her new chosen name. Because she is a Frenchie, her name was inspired by the French book by Victor Hugo, Les Miserables. I named her Cosette. As I was doing some traveling, we worked it out that I would pick her up June 21rst.

Finally, June 21rst arrived!! Before this date, so many friends gave me advice and the breeders told me exactly what food to give her (what she was receiving prior to pick up). I got a pen (compliments of Amazon and controversial because of the flooring, but it seems to be working out) and toys and food for her. My friend encouraged me to boil up some chicken for her and get pumpkin for her because she was not eating much… hypoglycemia is a thing in puppies and I certainly wanted her as healthy as can be….was she nervous and sad leaving her old life and puppy parents? Maybe. She did eat the kibble sprinkled w chicken and pumpkin (not always at the same time). I had a vet appointment for her the next Tuesday and I would ask lots of questions then. In the meantime, bonding, bonding, bonding… for me and Sasha!

By the time we were ready to leave for the vet’s, I had a sling for carrying her (compliments of Amazon, once again). The vet was great and confident. I was told she was growing well (now 7 pounds) and did not need chicken or pumpkin unless she was not eating anything; because she had been eating her kibble (finally), I have since held back on the human food. The vet also said I needed to start on potty training sooner than later. I have started, but this is something you can’t do half-assed. I was told “The Art of Raising a Puppy” was a great book for this and ordered that…. Now I need to read it, but I heave been so busy with Cosette, its been hard; once I am up every 2-3 hours potty training her, when will I get a chance to read!!?!

So here we are…. Two pups and a very busy human mama!! This is new territory for me. I have had two dogs simultaneously in the past, but as they were both trained and adults, this is a totally novel ball game for me. If ANYONE has any hints, advice or encouragement, leave me a comment….I would love to hear from you!!!!

Till next time…..

Why so long???

I ask myself this….. why haven’t I posted in so long? I could say that I have been busy, but everyone is busy….excuses, excuses… Is it because I am afraid of getting stalked a little and my voice is self-censored because I don’t want to deal with that? Maybe. Is it because I don’t have anything to say right now? I don’t think so, I am always thinking of things to blog about at the most inopportune time.

I changed gyms and getting regular with a gym that I love; the problem has been food. Food gets in the way and we know you can’t outrun a bad diet. Not that I run….of course not, but you know what I mean. Over all, I have been better, but as I type, I am sipping on a calorie free iced tea paired with a polycaloric croissant. Why do I do this to myself? I have eaten slightly less sugary crap. Though, when that Cinnabon store opens at the mall, I will be in trouble.

What I need to do is carve out time for meal prep like I used to do. I prepared the week by making chicken on one day and a big salad and eating that during the week, This is what I need to be doing. I will blog more. And more often. That is my promise to you!

Till then….

Committed to fitness…

So I am currently working out at an inexpensive gym. I just finished work with a personal trainer and I have a good routine. My dream is to get to a more full service gym that is a lot nicer and has a leisure pool for summer enjoyment. In order to justify such an expense, I need to make sure it is going to pay off. My experiment is this: If I can work out at the gym at least 3 times a week regularly for at least 4 weeks, I will join the bougie gym. It’s actually closer to me and they may have classes that I will actually enjoy.

Fitness has been a struggle for me and it’s closely tied with my dietary lifestyle. I need to want these things more than French fries and pizza. You know what I mean? I enjoy the feeling of going to the gym AFTER I am done; it is the ‘getting there’ that is the biggest challenge for me. I think the motivation of weight loss and feeling awesome is getting stronger and as soon as it surpasses the motivation for eating a really tasty order of nachos, I’ll have a good handle on it. The really cool thing is exercise regularly makes me NOT want to eat that crappy food. This is super cool. Because I need something to get me going when the struggle is so real.

Maybe I need a vision board for this? What would help me get past the shit food and oh, alcohol!? I don’t drink a ton, but when I do, the alcohol is completely a waste of calories. I am thinking of going off alcohol for a month and seeing how that works, calorie wise. I will admit when I drank too much last weekend, it rendered me useless the next day; I didn’t even feel like I could work out. Booze just isn’t helping the cause either. I was mad at myself for letting vodka and cranberry cocktails ruin my Saturday. No more!

I must sign off now as I am headed out for a hike! Here’s to fitness and a healthy lifestyle…. If anyone has good ideas on how to motivate for healthy weight loss or hints on how to fit this in, leave a comment! Please!

I’m still writing…with thicker skin….

It has been quite a few months since my last post, six of so to be exact. I know I let something from last year hinder my progression on my site; while it’s not important what the reason was, it is critical that I move on. I need to move on in this world and remember the writing is still important. I keep hearing that I should write for myself, not for anyone else. If I write for someone else’s satisfaction, I may not get to my truth. If I don’t get to my truth, then what’s the point of writing or reading this, even?

I had a person who was very upset about what I had written a few years ago. He came on the scene over time in my messages and then made this very big hissy fit in late December of 2021. Even though no one knew who he was or where he came from. Even though no one could pick him from a line up-absolutely no identifying information was expressed in my post. I regretfully took down that post to meet his childish ego’s needs and wish I had just kept it. It was well written and funny. It was called “The Jesus Complex”. I took it down just to shut him up; I had drama when he was in my life and now that he has not been in my life for almost 2 decades, I just wanted to be done with it. I can write again, I thought. I can flow creatively at the drop of a hat, I thought. He won’t affect my ability to go forth and blog publicly, I thought….

Well, it turns out that it has been harder than I thought. I know I won’t be writing stories that involve that fool again, but I have not been able to freely write with out wondering if I will get any hate mail. I need to grow thicker skin and not worry about such criticism. People are going to be critical and judge mental. They are going to poke fun. I need to keep going and write my truth. I will write what I need to and not concern myself with the rest.

Stay tuned!