Category: self-care

Redesigning Retirement or Luxury is not overrated if you can afford it….

So I have been rethinking a lot of what I have believed most of my adult life. I got my Doctorate. I began my career when I was 30 years old (though I have been working since I was 16 years old and neighborhood jobs before that). I have only stopped once and that’s when I got married and took 1 year and 9 months off to explore the country.

But here I am working away. I love what I do; don’t get me wrong, but I do feel that I work hard. With this, came my sense of deserving. I deserved to work hard, play hard. I deserved to travel. Most importantly, I deserved to have nice things. I certainly have a retirement plan and ancillary funds for “later in life”. I felt set. So, off I went. Acquiring things….like things I perceived as nice: Tiffany, designer handbags, decent shoes (nothing crazy, but Freebird boots aren’t cheap), and nice cars. Then nicer cars. I started traveling when I was 30. Small stuff..Mexico trips with my female friends and boyfriends. I got a time share and visited the Bahamas a few times. Then more recently (since 2017), trips to Europe and cruises. And more Louis Vuitton and Tiffany. And so it goes. Until I stunned myself into a stark reality in the past few weeks. I want to retire soon (well, in 10 years). And I am no where near ready. Sure, I still have my retirement funds. Yes, plural. But, alas, not enough. I took stock of what I had. In my newly acquired townhouse closet. Ohmygod….it mortified me. 

What the fuck am I doing? I don’t regret anything. Well, mostly anything. I don’t regret my travel experiences. At all. Do I regret the purses and shoes that aren’t even comfortable anymore? Do I regret the jewelry that I somehow collected from Tiffany, Cartier and John Atencio over the past 10-15 years? Well, it’s not Harry Winston of course, but did I need it? No. I will say there are a few pieces I bought in Europe and they are special; I wear them every day. Those are memories and I will never regret those. But, I don’t need the purchases that have no rhyme or reason. Why and how did this happen?

I have a pretty good idea and I said it before. I deserved it. I worked hard. I wanted to show myself I worked especially hard. The problem is I put that effort in the wrong place. What do I do now that I want to retire? Thinking about redesigning my retirement plans actually really motivates me to make new choices. The plan for success does not lie in what I have in front of me, in my closet. It is the cash stacked up in the bank, in my retirement fund, in my IRA. That’s what I equate with success now; not only does that make sense at my age, but it is abso-fucking-lutely mandatory. So where do I go from here?

I have a collection of barely worn shoes and jewelry that I plan on selling. I think the Feng shui of this crap is polluting my sense of the future and clean thinking. After I sell this stuff and Goodwill my larger sized clothes (next blog is ob my weight loss journey), I will be much more intentional in my purchases. As far as the luxury car, I am going to figure out the best economical plan when the lease is up. If it is less expensive to buy it out than buy a more responsible car (think Toyota, Volkswagen, Honda), I will do so. I will not lease again. Money lost. I did that just so I could afford the nicer cars monthly. I want to buy a car so I will have no monthly payments when I retire. I am buckling down. I am getting serious. I am actually enjoying this. Success is in the bank, not in my closet.

Now, is luxury overrated? No. I don’t think so. If you can afford it. If you can buy this stuff and still put the appropriate money in the bank and retire WHEN you WANT to, then all is good. I just could not do both. So here I am. And I am happier than I have ever been about my material existence. But, for the record, I am NOT giving up travel. Ever.

Four months later…

So, I had a great holiday season with the Eligible Bachelor (EB) and we are still together four months later! I celebrated some of the holidays with his family and all of them with him. It’s been unexpected and amazing… who would have known, especially meeting in October and going into the awkward holiday season? But it worked. And you know what? When it’s right, it will all work out.

So, on our first date, it was all about travel. That’s my biggest hobby and he is way more well travelled than I am. Our first trial getaway was Glenwood Springs, CO and it went well. We knew we were going to travel well together; we knew more trips were in our future. Since then, we went diving in Mexico in January and have finalized 90% of our 2 week itinerary in Europe (in July). Does this sound like too much after a few months? Maybe so, but for the first time in a very very long time, it just feels right. I know what wrong feels like.

So let me talk about this a little bit. What does wrong feel like? Agitation, extreme butterflies in the stomach, can’t sleep, suspicion….the list goes on. Everyone says butterflies is an indication of that flutter of first lust and attraction. I am not sure I agree; I have anxiety and butterflies was always a sign of that. When I have extreme anxiety, something is usually wrong or concerning. With the EB, I have felt more calm and self-assured than other relationships in the past. Sure, I had some anxiety in the very beginning with some unknowns, but the truth is I think everyone has a little. I am usually overboard. He does not arouse suspicion, jealousy, or concerns for troublesome behavior. Over a very small amount of time, I have felt even more comfortable and at ease with him. Things just work well. So there are no butterflies, but instead a sense of calm that I wouldn’t trade anything for. I will take calm over butterflies any day!

Our relationship is fairly easy and this has been a long time coming for me. I feel like I can tell him anything and that if something is bothering me about “us”or anything else in my life, I can come forward and discuss it with him. He was able to do the same thing with me about something that was slightly bothering him and I think he was relieved that I was approachable as well. I think this bodes very well for the future. Is everything perfect? Nothing is perfect. Sometimes he is a little sarcastic and I sometimes am a little sensitive….but generally, I am getting a lot better at handing it back to him. He can take it as well as he dishes it out, so all is good!

Right now, we are on a fitness/weight loss journey together. How long have I been attempting this journey people (see past posts!!)?? We have a bet going and will be working on losing the greatest percentage of weight individually. Our bet will end the Monday before we leave for Europe in the summer, so about 5 months. We will continue to maintain our weight loss, but the initial loss will take place from now (the beginning of February, actually) til July. This has been so amazing and I have lost 6 pounds in the last 2 weeks, so things are off to a great start.

Personally, the winter season is one of my hardest. I hate the snow and the cold and not being outside; if my mood can be lifted and my will for weight loss and thrice weekly exercise at the gym can be attained now, I think my overall health and this relationship with the EB are off to good things in this exclusive relationship…

Stay tuned!!

What I am listening to now: Lana Del Ray Essentials

Happy birthday to me.

As I get closer to my birthday this year, I realize there is so much I want to do to transform myself and to improve myself. I am starting a physical transformation in the next few weeks to months with my appearance. I am getting a mini makeover with my hair (big cut and color to go back to brown). I loved my hair blonde-ish but it fried my hair and it looks fried and so unhealthy, so this weekend, I am starting with a cut. Then, later this month comes the color. I can’t wait! The more important physical transformation will come with my weight loss and that comes with physical fitness, which I as you know has been a continuing struggle for me.

I’m going to the gym today with a friend to really commit to this because June didn’t cut it. I want to lose 40-50 pounds by next April and nothing really happened in June. I have joined Weight Watchers, which is awesome, but I have not been as consistent as I should have. To use an old phrase from my old life, it only works if you work it! I changed gyms because while I love, love, love the gym I have been going to, it’s been financially prohibitive. I joined a new gym that offers so much of the same stuff, but less than half of the current gym. I plan on going there Saturday (I am going to my friend’s gym today). I need to up my cardio game and try 30 minutes on the bike or treadmill instead of just 20. I think I am doing a good job on the weights as I am NOT trying to body build, but add muscle tone and strength.

The last part of my transformation is going to be mind/spirit oriented. I am looking at simplifying my life. How will I do that? I need to focus on filtering out the toxic people, working on my anxiety and spending more time at home with my new pup Cosette and English Bulldog, Sasha. I bought a coloring book and colored pencils and I think starting that will be really calming. I have heard good things about the practice of that type of focus.

I am going to use my birthday for New Year’s resolutions of sorts. I will keep you posted!!

Why so long???

I ask myself this….. why haven’t I posted in so long? I could say that I have been busy, but everyone is busy….excuses, excuses… Is it because I am afraid of getting stalked a little and my voice is self-censored because I don’t want to deal with that? Maybe. Is it because I don’t have anything to say right now? I don’t think so, I am always thinking of things to blog about at the most inopportune time.

I changed gyms and getting regular with a gym that I love; the problem has been food. Food gets in the way and we know you can’t outrun a bad diet. Not that I run….of course not, but you know what I mean. Over all, I have been better, but as I type, I am sipping on a calorie free iced tea paired with a polycaloric croissant. Why do I do this to myself? I have eaten slightly less sugary crap. Though, when that Cinnabon store opens at the mall, I will be in trouble.

What I need to do is carve out time for meal prep like I used to do. I prepared the week by making chicken on one day and a big salad and eating that during the week, This is what I need to be doing. I will blog more. And more often. That is my promise to you!

Till then….

Committed to fitness…

So I am currently working out at an inexpensive gym. I just finished work with a personal trainer and I have a good routine. My dream is to get to a more full service gym that is a lot nicer and has a leisure pool for summer enjoyment. In order to justify such an expense, I need to make sure it is going to pay off. My experiment is this: If I can work out at the gym at least 3 times a week regularly for at least 4 weeks, I will join the bougie gym. It’s actually closer to me and they may have classes that I will actually enjoy.

Fitness has been a struggle for me and it’s closely tied with my dietary lifestyle. I need to want these things more than French fries and pizza. You know what I mean? I enjoy the feeling of going to the gym AFTER I am done; it is the ‘getting there’ that is the biggest challenge for me. I think the motivation of weight loss and feeling awesome is getting stronger and as soon as it surpasses the motivation for eating a really tasty order of nachos, I’ll have a good handle on it. The really cool thing is exercise regularly makes me NOT want to eat that crappy food. This is super cool. Because I need something to get me going when the struggle is so real.

Maybe I need a vision board for this? What would help me get past the shit food and oh, alcohol!? I don’t drink a ton, but when I do, the alcohol is completely a waste of calories. I am thinking of going off alcohol for a month and seeing how that works, calorie wise. I will admit when I drank too much last weekend, it rendered me useless the next day; I didn’t even feel like I could work out. Booze just isn’t helping the cause either. I was mad at myself for letting vodka and cranberry cocktails ruin my Saturday. No more!

I must sign off now as I am headed out for a hike! Here’s to fitness and a healthy lifestyle…. If anyone has good ideas on how to motivate for healthy weight loss or hints on how to fit this in, leave a comment! Please!

A spending problem….

What is a spending problem? A shopping spree? Is it really just a shopping spree? What if it happens when you go to the mall for said spree monthly? Weekly? When you know you deserve a nice perfume or new purse? Or if you’re feeling down because it’s fall and the holidays are coming? You’re lonely? You know you want those really cute boots? 2 pair? Go ahead and get them!!

I am pretty sure there is more to it. I am confident when I spend money I don’t really have, when I ask someone to hold on to my credit cards, except one, that I have more than a spending problem. Some people call that an addiction. I rationalize my decisions, entitle myself to material goods, ignore my debit and engage in the risky behavior of spending addiction. I know I need to stop.Today. Of course there is more to it.

There is the problem to stop and then there is the WHY of it. Why am I using spending to feel loved when I am having trouble feeling loved outside of my acquisition of new shiny things? The WHY will come; right now I need to stop the problem. One day at a time, I am told. Like any other addiction. What can I do to assuage my profound need for things? The need to feel empowered by pulling out my credit card and getting the new Louis Vuitton coin purse or Freebird boots? I have a few ideas…

1. Everyday I will look in the mirror and say no spending on unnecessary things today; I will do this one day at a time.

2. I will make a budge and commit to it.

3. If I am compelled to go to the mall (surprisingly my addiction does not involve Amazon or other online purchases at this time), I will go on a walk, blog, text a friend that is supportive and fully understands my plight.

4. Recommit to the budget and sit the fuck down and watch some tv, read a book, anything.

I think this is a start. I know what’s going on here now and I am ready to stop. Before you naysayers say that’s not a true addiction, let me ask you: does it cost money and at any cost I could end up hungry from now having food, does it cause me to go in debt, does it affect my mental and physical health, is it a compulsion that is rationalized by anything? Hell, yes..

I have a spending addiction and I am ready to stop..

Music I am listening to now: Addicted -Amy Winehouse

No more treadmill….

I am writing for the first time in quite some time. So much that in this time, I joined a gym, got a personal trainer, again, and got my treadmill recalled. They picked it up and now no more treadmill. I have been going to the gym fairly faithfully to meet up with my trainer and to work out on my own.

I haven’t been motivated to write in a while because while I am working out, I have been struggling with the food piece of fitness and a healthy lifestyle. I am recommitting to fix that starting June 1st; my goal is to stress veggies and protein in each of my meals and to eat every 2-3 hours. I am just being honest, but I do think once I make a firm change in the food component of healthy living, I will see weight loss and feeling better on a daily basis. It’s pretty obvious that is what it takes, so why is it so hard for me?

Colorado: a dating desert 2.0

I am floored. I thought my text was firm, confident. I thought I left it with him on no uncertain terms, that I never wanted to talk to the guy again. You know, the dangerous guy with all kinds of red flags. Now he wants to meet at services today. As it is Shabbat. And talk. Talk? Talk! What is there to talk about? You are accused of terrible things and are standing trial in early 2020. What do I want with you?  After leaving what I thought was a distinct text to leave me alone, he waited a few weeks.

Last night I got a voice mail asking to meet him at Shabbat services and talk. He mentioned that I am amazing. Great! What does that mean coming from an accused man? I am so conflicted. The obvious choice  would be to absolutely ignore his requests. But I find it hard to blow off people, treating them like scum and not human beings.  Here in the United States, where people are innocent until proven guilty, where do I stand? Do I treat him as an innocent in the Dating Court and at least respond? Or for the sake of my safety, do I blow him off? I believe the term is “ghosting”?! If he is really found guilty, in real court in 2020, I will be so glad I stayed away. I think for my personal safety and peace of mind, I am going to treat him as guilty. Guilty of not explaining things through BEFORE I discovered all the news items about him. Guilty of making me feel uncomfortable asking totally normal questions about his kids, work, etc…

Okay, I think I know my answer. I just need to leave it alone. The curious blogging woman wants to know what he would say. The forgiving woman is wanting to see how he would say it. But no, I need to start my new path.

I’ll keep you posted. Any comments or suggestions? Please leave them for me? I could definitely use some input. My friends have been great, but its been a bit embarrassing. I am blogging about this experience because it’s important that people know there are some dangerous people out there on the dating apps. It all sounds so cliche, but I am here to tell you, its OUT THERE! Be careful!!

Music I am listening to: Searching for a Devil by In The Valley Below

Colorado: a dating desert

I don’t know how anyone meets an emotionally available, non-drug using, single man in Denver. I have loved this city for decades, but the men? Not so much…. Since men are not a reason to stay or leave a city, I have stayed and loved most of what Colorado has to offer: beautiful mountains, good career, awesome friends and more! Those are the reasons I stay, but honestly, is too much to ask to meet a normal guy? One that doesn’t just want a hook up or lies about their divorce status?  Colorado is essentially a dating desert devoid of truly eligible men. I have heard this from women younger than I am, so I know this is not just me.

I have gone through my non judgmental phase. Sure. I dated a homeless guy (though I didn’t realize it at the time, I confess!) and a guy on public assistance (not that there’s anything wrong with this except I wasn’t allowed at his house because his case manager said its against the rules…this was a drag). How do you avoid guys like this? I did not meet those guys on a dating app. That was before Plenty of Fish, Bumble, Tinder, etc..

Is it so much to ask that the guy have natural teeth, not be accused of killing his wife and/or be free of any deep seeded addiction issues? I am not going to tell you if all these are my personal experiences, but let’s just say, I have the details to back up my experiences.  Scary, I tell you. I thought one of these guys I was starting to date was a nice Jewish guy ( as I happen to be Jewish, this was an interesting detail as there are not loads of single Jewish men in Denver). The guy took me to the synagogue on our first date. On our second date, I went to his house to swim and brought my dogs; how nice it was he invited them. It was great. There could be opinions on going to his house so soon, I am aware!  There were a few off limits topics and I just brushed them off as “maybe he needs to open up later when he knows me more”, but  it was already a red flag in my book that he couldn’t talk about some basic things that you talk about at the beginning of any dating situation; I’ve not come across this shut down before.

It was late at night when some of the topics were shelved and I almost felt like leaving.  I even texted a friend who encouraged me to leave. But I stayed. I had breakfast with him that morning. I left right after breakfast where we talked about my job. He seemed fascinated (because the topic was not him, I imagine). The next day, I shared some details with another friend who did some  digging. Lo and behold- this guy had a past. One too dangerous for me. I have my limits, despite my unlucky dating past.  I just couldn’t be a part of this drama. I texted him as much and never heard from him again, which was the goal as I requested no further contact. Within a minute, he deleted my Bumble profile. I am not sure to this day if he deleted my profile before I texted him but does it matter?

So, I was shocked and floored over the news of this guy’s past (and present, for that matter). I am taking a month or so break from the dating agency I signed up with. They encouraged me to look at other avenues of dating.  I did, and this is where I am. Ugh! So frustrating… but I am going to use this month to just take care of me, my fitness, my diet and healthy lifestyle and my good friends.

If any of you have had a scary dating story or frustrating, drop me a comment. I would LOVE to know I am not alone!!
PS: There is a new guy I met, but I need to do some research first….

MUSIC to listen by: Everything But The Girl’s Walking Wounded