life – Brilliant Distraction

Redesigning Retirement or Luxury is not overrated if you can afford it….

So I have been rethinking a lot of what I have believed most of my adult life. I got my Doctorate. I began my career when I was 30 years old (though I have been working since I was 16 years old and neighborhood jobs before that). I have only stopped once and that’s when I got married and took 1 year and 9 months off to explore the country.

But here I am working away. I love what I do; don’t get me wrong, but I do feel that I work hard. With this, came my sense of deserving. I deserved to work hard, play hard. I deserved to travel. Most importantly, I deserved to have nice things. I certainly have a retirement plan and ancillary funds for “later in life”. I felt set. So, off I went. Acquiring things….like things I perceived as nice: Tiffany, designer handbags, decent shoes (nothing crazy, but Freebird boots aren’t cheap), and nice cars. Then nicer cars. I started traveling when I was 30. Small stuff..Mexico trips with my female friends and boyfriends. I got a time share and visited the Bahamas a few times. Then more recently (since 2017), trips to Europe and cruises. And more Louis Vuitton and Tiffany. And so it goes. Until I stunned myself into a stark reality in the past few weeks. I want to retire soon (well, in 10 years). And I am no where near ready. Sure, I still have my retirement funds. Yes, plural. But, alas, not enough. I took stock of what I had. In my newly acquired townhouse closet. Ohmygod….it mortified me.

What the fuck am I doing? I don’t regret anything. Well, mostly anything. I don’t regret my travel experiences. At all. Do I regret the purses and shoes that aren’t even comfortable anymore? Do I regret the jewelry that I somehow collected from Tiffany, Cartier and John Atencio over the past 10-15 years? Well, it’s not Harry Winston of course, but did I need it? No. I will say there are a few pieces I bought in Europe and they are special; I wear them every day. Those are memories and I will never regret those. But, I don’t need the purchases that have no rhyme or reason. Why and how did this happen?

I have a pretty good idea and I said it before. I deserved it. I worked hard. I wanted to show myself I worked especially hard. The problem is I put that effort in the wrong place. What do I do now that I want to retire? Thinking about redesigning my retirement plans actually really motivates me to make new choices. The plan for success does not lie in what I have in front of me, in my closet. It is the cash stacked up in the bank, in my retirement fund, in my IRA. That’s what I equate with success now; not only does that make sense at my age, but it is abso-fucking-lutely mandatory. So where do I go from here?

I have a collection of barely worn shoes and jewelry that I plan on selling. I think the Feng shui of this crap is polluting my sense of the future and clean thinking. After I sell this stuff and Goodwill my larger sized clothes (next blog is ob my weight loss journey), I will be much more intentional in my purchases. As far as the luxury car, I am going to figure out the best economical plan when the lease is up. If it is less expensive to buy it out than buy a more responsible car (think Toyota, Volkswagen, Honda), I will do so. I will not lease again. Money lost. I did that just so I could afford the nicer cars monthly. I want to buy a car so I will have no monthly payments when I retire. I am buckling down. I am getting serious. I am actually enjoying this. Success is in the bank, not in my closet.

Now, is luxury overrated? No. I don’t think so. If you can afford it. If you can buy this stuff and still put the appropriate money in the bank and retire WHEN you WANT to, then all is good. I just could not do both. So here I am. And I am happier than I have ever been about my material existence. But, for the record, I am NOT giving up travel. Ever.

An eligible bachelor….

So maybe in the last couple of months, I have gone out with some real duds; there was one who yelled at the waitress for separate checks before I could verbalize my order. He did not drink and that was fine, except he seemed resentful of mine. He said he was sober, but he was pretty bitter about it. Then, he even so much as told me he had no ambition and lived with a bunch of guys, so he wouldn’t have to pay the bill for his own apartment. Again, great for him, but this was not for me.

Then just a few weeks later, I matched with someone on an app and we had actual chemistry right then and there. We finally met on the Sunday, towards the end of the weekend that we had started texting back and forth on the app, He had a slight cold and I was afraid he was going to cancel, but he did not. We did not trade numbers till the end of our first date. It was one of the best first dates I have ever been on, better than the first date with my ex-husband. That good- I really didn’t want it to end. He was assertive during the date and just kissed me right there in the bar. Granted, I had been scooting toward him over the course of an hour or two. It was perfect. Nothing more than kissing even transpired that night, which was refreshing. I am pretty sure he liked me, but we just ended it on a really good note.

Sooo, for the past few weeks, we have been dating and its been fun. He is so good to my dog and that’s so important. I had to put my older dog down and that’s a totally different blog post. We have had fun dates, amazing conversation and good communication. There’s this one thing. He keeps saying so far. “We’re great…. So far”. I get it, things have been rough on the dating scene, but seriously, we need to be positive. I am waiting for the other shoe to fall sometimes, but I know that being in the moment and not stressing about the future is what forms our memories and communications, our quality time… We have a lot of quality time, and just talk and talk for hours in the kitchen. I think we are both hesitant to go to fast and mess this up, so there have been sleepovers, but nothing really physical. That can wait. I haven’t felt like this in a very long time. I don’t even know what “THIS” is. It is so easy with him. I have told my friends about him but not my family (yet); he’s told his sister about me as well. Maybe just that I exist, who knows!

For now, I am getting more active than I have been lately. We go on walks with the puppy, bowling and I am even learning golf. Imagine that, I think I will keep this eligible bachelor,

Stay tuned. More on holidays, vacations etc with the EB!

I’m still writing…with thicker skin….

It has been quite a few months since my last post, six of so to be exact. I know I let something from last year hinder my progression on my site; while it’s not important what the reason was, it is critical that I move on. I need to move on in this world and remember the writing is still important. I keep hearing that I should write for myself, not for anyone else. If I write for someone else’s satisfaction, I may not get to my truth. If I don’t get to my truth, then what’s the point of writing or reading this, even?

I had a person who was very upset about what I had written a few years ago. He came on the scene over time in my messages and then made this very big hissy fit in late December of 2021. Even though no one knew who he was or where he came from. Even though no one could pick him from a line up-absolutely no identifying information was expressed in my post. I regretfully took down that post to meet his childish ego’s needs and wish I had just kept it. It was well written and funny. It was called “The Jesus Complex”. I took it down just to shut him up; I had drama when he was in my life and now that he has not been in my life for almost 2 decades, I just wanted to be done with it. I can write again, I thought. I can flow creatively at the drop of a hat, I thought. He won’t affect my ability to go forth and blog publicly, I thought….

Well, it turns out that it has been harder than I thought. I know I won’t be writing stories that involve that fool again, but I have not been able to freely write with out wondering if I will get any hate mail. I need to grow thicker skin and not worry about such criticism. People are going to be critical and judge mental. They are going to poke fun. I need to keep going and write my truth. I will write what I need to and not concern myself with the rest.

Stay tuned!

A spending problem….

What is a spending problem? A shopping spree? Is it really just a shopping spree? What if it happens when you go to the mall for said spree monthly? Weekly? When you know you deserve a nice perfume or new purse? Or if you’re feeling down because it’s fall and the holidays are coming? You’re lonely? You know you want those really cute boots? 2 pair? Go ahead and get them!!

I am pretty sure there is more to it. I am confident when I spend money I don’t really have, when I ask someone to hold on to my credit cards, except one, that I have more than a spending problem. Some people call that an addiction. I rationalize my decisions, entitle myself to material goods, ignore my debit and engage in the risky behavior of spending addiction. I know I need to stop.Today. Of course there is more to it.

There is the problem to stop and then there is the WHY of it. Why am I using spending to feel loved when I am having trouble feeling loved outside of my acquisition of new shiny things? The WHY will come; right now I need to stop the problem. One day at a time, I am told. Like any other addiction. What can I do to assuage my profound need for things? The need to feel empowered by pulling out my credit card and getting the new Louis Vuitton coin purse or Freebird boots? I have a few ideas…

1. Everyday I will look in the mirror and say no spending on unnecessary things today; I will do this one day at a time.

2. I will make a budge and commit to it.

3. If I am compelled to go to the mall (surprisingly my addiction does not involve Amazon or other online purchases at this time), I will go on a walk, blog, text a friend that is supportive and fully understands my plight.

4. Recommit to the budget and sit the fuck down and watch some tv, read a book, anything.

I think this is a start. I know what’s going on here now and I am ready to stop. Before you naysayers say that’s not a true addiction, let me ask you: does it cost money and at any cost I could end up hungry from now having food, does it cause me to go in debt, does it affect my mental and physical health, is it a compulsion that is rationalized by anything? Hell, yes..

I have a spending addiction and I am ready to stop..

Music I am listening to now: Addicted -Amy Winehouse

The end of the writer’s block—at least I hope so!

It’s been so many months since I have posted; I know that it’s not right, but I had a big dose of life going on. I finally got my place in Denver. I’ve always lived in Denver and the surrounding area, but this is ownership in the actual city! Amidst the homelessness, the violence, the substance abuse crisis, and many others ailments of Denver, I am the proud owner of a condo in a very established neighborhood. While I moved in August, I am just now feeling more settled.

I have been writing about relationships and exercise. Separately. Two different entities. I think its time to stop that. I think that I am ready to blend those tow areas of my life, because they have truly been intermixed this whole time. I think my weight has gotten in the way of my relationships and I think seeking a relationship has taken time from my time at the gym. They are indeed fused and I can’t compartmentalize them any more.

I think its also time I write about my valuable friendships, because they are the glue that holds me together sometimes; I think it’s only right that I make a few changes to my approach…mostly because its overdue, but also it may help me break my creative block. In the next posts to come, you will read about my life and adventures in staying fit, navigating the dating scene, and travel.

More to come….

Larger than life.

Okay, so I was told, or rather texted that I was the most shallow person ever. That I should be ashamed of myself for how horrible I was for ultimately having to confess I was not attracted to him after meeting him. I thought I could get there (attraction), but I just could not.

Let’s back up a second. I guess I should begin at the beginning. We didn’t talk that long before we met, but our first night of talking was a marathon. Yes, a marathon of 5.5 hours. Jesus. I was attracted to his face. I asked for more pics because well, I needed to get the full picture! He warned me that he had back surgery almost 2 years ago and had gained some weight then got sick, so his weight loss has not really taken off. He sent me some vague pics, but they didn’t seem so bad. So bad is an understatement. I agreed to visit him in the Springs. So we decided on last Tuesday. I was pretty excited, because our conversations have been great and we were looking for the same things; I didn’t see anything that could go wrong, except physical attraction and I was hoping I would not be disappointed.

I got to his house. I knocked on the door. It was kind of downhill from there. He warned me his house was going to be a mess because he had been sick a few weeks ago and had not cleaned his kitchen yet (even though he was sick weeks ago and fine now). And while his kitchen was fairly atrocious with dishes everywhere and crap food sitting on the counter tops (does he even eat healthfully?), the biggest issue was staring back right at me. He was much bigger than he led me to believe. His photos that he sent to me were very vague and hid a lot, as it turned out. My face didn’t lie. Apparently, he could tell right away that I was taken aback by his appearance. I know this is downright horrible, but I feel this is misleading advertising. I feel that while beauty is skin deep (I really do), physical attraction is a huge part to a spark.

I know I need to lose weight too, so this is the part that is so hard. I had full pics on my profile though from the last few months. So we talked about it …the weight. We talked about weight being temporary and how we can both lose weight; I just couldn’t keep the disappointment off my face. I wasn’t convinced, but I was trying to rationalize my long trip down to the Springs and my investment in this very short lived relationship. We came to the conclusion that we would try to lose weight together. So I felt that would satisfy me for a while. I spent the night with him, which was a huge mistake. Huge mistake. It just brought the fact home that I absolutely COULD NOT do this. I didn’t sleep at all that night. I don’t know if it was the strange bed, the strange man, or simply the size of the man sleeping next to me. I couldn’t wait to get out of there in the morning.

The next day, I barely texted; he asked me what was up and I said all was fine, but I was busy working. The truth. And not the truth. Yes, I was on the clock, but that never stopped me from spending time texting with him through out the day. He could tell there was something different. When he asked me what was going on, I was vague. I was kind. I didn’t see the need to be blunt, but in all honesty that was at the recommendation of my good friend. I really just wanted to be done with it. He pressured me and dug for answers. He told me to not give him riddles.. Tell him like it is. So I told him there was no sexual chemistry for me; I was not physically attracted to him. It was then I got the text. The horrifying text that I was indeed shallow. I was awful and should be ashamed of myself. This was the shittiest thing that ever happened to him. I apologized. He said to stop messaging him. So I stopped. But I couldn’t stop thinking how I made him feel. Even though he sent me misleading photos. Even though I invested a lot of time into the beginning of this relationship.

That would be great if that was the end of the story, but its not. It’s not a good story without a little irony thrown in for good measure. So a few days after he told me I was extremely (he used a different word) shallow, I stepped on the scale.

I weighed more than I have ever weighed in my life. Ever.

Music I am listening to: Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette (think Ironic).

Stay tuned: I am now embarking on a new journey toward weight loss and fitness reminiscent of the others I have blogged about, but more permanent.

Just do it.

I have been in such a stagnant mess about my nutrition. I don’t know what it is, but I am half-assed about my diet plan and eating lifestyle. I think I want to eat well; I even try on many occasions by grabbing one of my fueling on this lifestyle plan I am on. But it is NOT working. I end up going out and being half-assed: eating a big cheeseburger with out the bun and salad on the side instead of fries. Healthy-ish at best. It would be best to get a salad with grilled protein. Taco salads are not real salads either when you consider the sour cream and cheese. Or Chipotle for the same reason, even when I go with out the tortilla and with black beans and brown rice. First of all, I need to lose the rice. And the cheese and sour cream. What am I talking about? I need to just not walk into Chipotle. Nothing personal Chipotle, but you are not healthy eating for me. I am doing okay on the fitness part of weight loss, but the nutrition is so difficult right now for me. Weight loss is mostly about nutrition. Once I lose this weight, my awesome core from my good fitness practice will show through!

I need to just stick with proteins and veggies. That’s really it. I lost 32 pounds this way. I am going to use the rest of my fuelings from this diet/lifestyle plan I started again (I had lost some weight temporarily with the plan in the beginning of 2018 or end of 2017 I think). Then I will go 100% to proteins and veggies. .I think my biggest thing is I need to jump in 100% and just do it. I can’t overthink all the reasons why I am not choosing to jump in 100%. I just need to DO IT!. What is my problem? I can’t even think about it. Just do it. What is stopping me? Not important. Just do it.

Get the idea?

A new hopeful

Back into the dating scene and completely exhausted. I’ve met a few guys so far. The first two were not viable options; the second of the two was downright obnoxious. He reminded me too much of the live in. This third one is definitely viable, though our relationship is as developed as a zygote.

I think I want to keep it as light as possible this time around compared with my last disaster! For one, the guy is laid back and there’s no pressure. That helps. I won’t lie. There are some other factors that play into the whole situation which makes this guy so appealing. He is 1 hour form me which means he won’t be over all the time. I enjoy his company very much; don’t get me wrong, but I want the summer to enjoy my friends and going out as well. He has his shit together and loves where he lives, so he won’t want to move in anytime soon……or ever. Bonus! He also goes away for travel quite a bit, business and pleasure. Sometimes on the weekend. This gives me time to get stuff done. With all this being said there are a few drawbacks to the whole situation.

There are times that I would have liked to see him, just to spend time getting to know each other in this initial phase. With the time differences in travel, its been awkward. I mean we got off to a good start then with time away and an inability to keep the spark when the spark needs to stay lit is a bit frustrating. I am thinking I can get over this soon, He’ll be home this week and we may see each other for dinner toward the end of the week and spending some much needed quality time on Saturday. I like that the relationship is light for now. I don’t know what he thinks of it; he’s so laid back, I imagine he thinks it is a pretty casual situation. I think this is dating sans the intense togetherness. We have decided to be monogamous after sleeping together (after the FOURTH date), I think. Maybe I need more clarification on the details, but that does not mean serious per se. More like safe. I think I will find out more this weekend. But for the first time in a very long time, I am NOT in a rush. It feels good. I think this is going to shape up to be a very fun summer!

Another thing: He knows I blog, but he does not ask me about it. Ever. Never. I am not sure if this means he doesn’t care or if he lets me be with the privacy to write what I want, uncensored.

Heavy baggage

So, on Sex and the City, Carrie started dating Berger, another author, soon realizing the Ex-Files would have to be opened. Ugh. Like Carrie, I so wish we could start a new relationship with a brand new slate. No background noise, no messy past. Is it really necessary to go there? Really? What good can happen from the discovery phase of old failed relationships?

Okay, I will give it a try. I will try to be open to the fact that heavy awkward baggage can be okay, if we communicate about it. I can’t see how we can dance around with baggage filled with unintended resentment and triggers and expect our partner to read our minds when we become ultra sensitive in a situation. I think we kind of have to discuss the weirdness. And thus, unpack our messy baggage. And here we go: alcoholics, workaholics, fathers, mothers, and mentally unstable people come tumbling out waiting to shock, dismay and discourage us from exploring the further depths that our great new relationship can go, Sometimes I feel like our skeletons are scarier locked in those bulky bags.

Since the beginning of our budding relationship, my boyfriend and I have brought the contents of our baggage to the forefront, into the light We have to bring it up really, because our lives have become what they are because of our past. We can’t put our heads in the sand and pretend our past relationships never existed; they are part of who we are, for better or for worse. I think the passage of our past relationships have made us better, stronger people, but they have also created triggers. In order to understand why we react the way we do to certain situations, we need to share our stories of the alcoholic, the workaholic, the mentally unstable partners of the past. I guess we could start fresh and not talk about them and pretend that we don’t have any triggers or buttons that can be pressed. At my age, I think that’s a little unrealistic . When my guy and I talk, it helps me diminish the power of past loves, because its only in the dark where they seem to unleash their venom, if we were to keep their power (to upset us) secret. We won’t let the past relationships ruin us when they are out in the open.

So, as much as I hate bringing up some of my past, I think it just may be the way to go in an open and honest relationship that is geared for a great and prosperous future, rich in love.

What I am listening to now: Hymnal by In The Valley Below