I mentioned at the end of Part I that I did not date for a year. I don’t think I could have if I tried. I was a mess. I knew I had to get things settled and resolved in my head before I could seem somewhat appropriate for dating. That was a hard fucking year. My newly estranged husband, soon to be my ex-husband broke a majority, or maybe all, of his promises to me (and my parents). Those broken promises are what put me in bankruptcy. I would have never needed bankruptcy protection because of my own choices (except the choice I made to fall in love and marry him). But that’s neither here not there for this tale. Once I started counseling, hiring a mediocre lawyer (from Florida), and generally getting my life back on track, I decided it was okay to start considering dating.
In 2011, I started up again. WIth dating. While no one seemed quite as dramatic as the ex, there was still some crazy decisions I made. I made some choices that led to humorous exchanges online within the dating sites. I made some questionable choices that led me to some new dramatic episodes. Some choices led to quite UN-dramatic dates. I didn’t feel a spark. It’s as if my spark only ignited with the deranged dramatic ones. Recently (in the last two years or so), there was the prison guard who turned into a supreme douchebag after the second date. Perhaps I should not have spent the night with him. Jus’ saying. And being honest in the process. He kept texting then stopping and then reappearing online messaging me. I would tell him to text me; he kept messaging me that he lost his phone and lost all his contacts (three times?). I told him it was done. I was sending him to the island of lost douchebags. Never to be heard from again (at least not from me). Then after that was the whole ordeal I blogged about last year around October: Relationship Quandary I realized after that ordeal that drama comes in many shapes and sizes. I have a part in all of it. If I don’t recognize this, I am damned and destined to repeat the failure of dating men who bring out the worst in me: insecurity, self -doubt, and neediness. I know these are all pretty much the same thing, but they have their individual qualities in their own shortcomings. I needed to be done with it all. I needed to know outside my friend circle that I could meet a guy and attract him to me. I needed that guy NOT to be someone who I felt these things around.
I have not talked about romantic relationships in a long time because I just didn’t know where my life would go. And plus, the guy from the post above made it patently obvious I fucked things up because I wrote about our relationship on my blog. He had a point. For sure. Except that I had told him each time I blogged and he was like “great, cool. I will have to read that sometime”; only, he never read any posts till the end. That’s when the shit hit the fan with him.
In this past year, I was eventually able to attract a guy that was very un-drama as they came. Smooth sailing. No rip tides. I swore something was absent from the relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. Of that, I was absolutely sure. We ended up just being true good friends, but there’s a moral here.
The moral, the take home message is this: When you are sick and tired of where you have been in relationships, you will have to do something different. I did a few things differently. I was NOT going to be destined for failure. While that relationship ended up in friendship and not the Happily Ever After, it was a MAJOR gift. One that told me a drama-free life with a guy is possible. The only thing missing from that experience was drama.
And you know what? I didn’t miss it at all. The future is promising!
Brilliant Distraction 