There’s something missing: Part II

I mentioned at the end of Part I that I did not date for a year. I don’t think I could have if I tried. I was a mess. I knew I had to get things settled and resolved in my head before I could seem somewhat appropriate for dating.  That was a hard fucking year. My newly estranged husband, soon to be my ex-husband broke a majority, or maybe all, of his promises to me (and my parents).  Those broken promises are what put me in bankruptcy. I would have never needed bankruptcy protection because of my own choices (except the choice I made to fall in love and marry him).  But that’s neither here not there for this tale.  Once I started counseling, hiring a mediocre lawyer (from Florida), and generally getting my life back on track, I decided it was okay to start considering dating.

In 2011, I started up again. WIth dating. While no one seemed quite as dramatic as the ex, there was still some crazy decisions I made. I made some choices that led to humorous exchanges online within the dating sites. I made some questionable choices that led me to some new dramatic episodes. Some choices led to quite UN-dramatic dates. I didn’t feel a spark. It’s as if my spark only ignited with the deranged dramatic ones. Recently (in the last two years or so),  there was the prison guard who turned into a supreme douchebag after the second date. Perhaps I should not have spent the night with him. Jus’ saying. And being honest in the process. He kept texting then stopping and then reappearing online messaging me. I would tell him to text me; he kept messaging me that he lost his phone and lost all his contacts (three times?). I told him it was done.  I was sending him to the island of lost douchebags. Never to be heard from again (at least not from me).  Then after that was the whole ordeal I blogged about last year around October:  Relationship Quandary I realized after that ordeal  that drama comes in many shapes and sizes. I  have a part in  all of it. If I don’t recognize this, I am damned and destined to repeat the failure of dating men who bring out the worst in me: insecurity, self -doubt,  and neediness. I know these are all pretty much the same thing, but they have their individual qualities in their own shortcomings. I needed to be done with it all. I needed to know outside my friend circle that I could meet a guy and attract him to me. I needed that guy NOT to be someone who I felt these things around.

I have not talked about romantic relationships in a long time because I just didn’t know where my life would go. And plus, the  guy from the post above made it patently obvious I fucked things up because I wrote about our relationship on my blog. He had a point. For sure. Except that I had told him each time I blogged and he was like “great, cool. I will have to read that sometime”; only, he never read any posts till the end. That’s when the shit hit the fan with him.

In this past year, I was eventually able to attract a guy that was very un-drama as they came. Smooth sailing. No rip tides.  I swore something was absent from the relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was missing. Of that, I was absolutely sure. We ended up just being true good friends, but there’s a moral here.

The moral, the take home message is this: When you are sick and tired of where you have been in relationships, you will have to do something different. I did a few things differently. I was NOT going to be destined for failure. While that relationship ended up in friendship and not the Happily Ever After, it was a MAJOR gift. One that told me a drama-free life with a guy is possible.  The only thing missing from that experience was drama.

And you know what? I didn’t miss it at all.  The future is promising!

There’s something missing…: Part I

So, I have had enough drama to last a very long time. I feel that every single minute of dating and married life carries with it some kind of drama. I get so involved in the intrigue of it all. Then, things seems to go so quickly, so damn hot and heavy, I can hardly keep up. Then what  happens? What do you think happens? Routine and expectations. What the hell…they just come out of nowhere.. For me,  it usually involves expectations that I set unreasonably. The bar is so high, an Olympic pole vaulter would have no change for Gold. Yet, I put it there, up high in the sky. Am I sabotaging myself? Am I ruining any possibility for a viable relationship? Probably. As soon as expectations are in place, things go bad. Very bad. Is it because I start perseverating on details that are not critical, because I want  things my way, I  wanted things to go well. I didn’t know why they  never did.

Things end. They always do.  I remember when I was dating my ex-husband. I didn’t mind it so much. I was at a period in my life where I was not drinking alcohol. I thought I had a problem with it (I didn’t), so I was in AA. I met him there (which I may have mentioned before). LIfe was NEVER boring.  I always was in a situation of some sort. This time,  it was the angry boyfriend from AA. Back then, during our dating period, I could just leave his home when he was being temperamental (and that’s being generous!).  Then I married the angry boyfriend in 2009. Never a dull moment. Mostly something was more or less always crashing around me: his patience, my patience, the refrigerator contents, the patio door, you name it.  It probably crashed.  Then he got sober. There was never a predictable moment. I must have had more expectations for this marriage that could not have been met. Then eventually, the only expectation I  always had was that I would always be safe and it would never get “that bad”.

Well, it got that bad. I was forced to lower my expectations and stay with someone who was bound to drink again or leave. I did not actually want to leave. I wanted to work out the problems, oddly enough. He didn’t.  And he didn’t want to be with me apparently. Fair enough. He was starting to scare me. There are a ton of details that will come in future posts, but right now, suffice it to say: The Drama Ended. At least for a minute. Don’t worry, it picked up right after I left and moved back to Denver.  Our relationship pretty much ended right there. The divorce came 6 months later.

I had enough of the relationship drama to last me a while (the other drama was financial messiness that had nothing to do with me). I did not date for a year. I needed time for me.  That was probably one of the smartest things I have done in a long time. For me. Besides quitting smoking of course, which happened two years later.

Stay tuned: the drama and expectations continue with dating stories that I have told here.  They will make more sense now that my propensity for drama was at an all time high. I thought it was low, so low, from what I had been through with my ex. My zero tolerance policy for drama did not come till later.

 

Music Pairing: Concrete Blonde’s Joey. Because it fits.

I have the right to

I must admit: I am in a creative slump. I want to write and I felt that I had nothing to say. Until now.  Last year I had an unforgettable experience. I attended a very short segment of  the first annual Washington Area Independent School Institute on Sexual Assault and Consent at Georgetown Day School in Washington, DC (where I went to high school).  I was going to blog about it when I got back home. Then I lost my nerve. I am just being honest. My blog was new and I was just not sure how honest I was capable of being with such a current subject that deserves attention and respect.

Then this week I finished Amy Schumer’s book, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo. She wrote about consent in one of her chapters. Just as I was finishing her book, I got the GDS magazine in the mail. One of the students had written on the Summit from last year. I read it, and combined with Schumer’s book, I was completely inspired.

I decided that my mistakes, my decisions, and my experiences were mine, yes,  but perhaps someone could learn from my deficits in judgement back in the day.  So, I feel compelled to share a few of these stories.  So if they make ONE person not feel so alone, so isolated and misunderstood, then I have no problem subjecting myself to judgment and the haters that are going to see something wrote with anything anyone does.  Let the haters hate and the judges judge. I am here to be honest Share what I know and have experienced with relationships: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

If I write on the subjects of consent or sexual assault, I may drop a hashtag. That’s not my norm, but I do want to recognize the work being done to bring this subject to light  I want to be part of the movement to allow people to understand what consent means. And what it means to me.

Look for a post about this in the coming week. In the future, I may share some ugly stories about this subject, mostly to let it live in the light, not the dark.

#Consentsummit16

#Ihavetherightto

#PAVE

Have a great rest of your weekend!

 

Silent all these weeks…but still very much alive and kicking!

These last few weeks have been crazy. I have been sick, working a nine-day stretch, and just generally busy. I prioritized blogging not so high and I am sorry for that. I love being here and talking about what’s going on in my life and sharing any tidbits with you, my readers!  I have lots going on and grateful for a full life.

I am still working out and I have a great personal trainer, but time with my PT is going to be done sometime in July (no mas dinero). I need to continue my good food habits (and get wayyyy better) so that I can lose 6 pounds and 2% body fat.  That’s my fitness goal in June.  I’m getting pushed harder to get past my comfort zone and I am grateful I have someone to help me do that. I need to push myself around the lake doing my cardio/walks. I used to walk about 14-15 minute miles. Now it takes me 16-17 minutes.  I’ve definitely lost my groove from last year and I want to get it back. I am going to walk 5.5 miles if it kills me tomorrow before work. I have NO EXCUSE, except the one I make. And that doesn’t count.

It’s good to be back to blogging. I can’t wait to see you all soon!!

 

A crouton ain’t nothing but a carb

Okay, I must make inroads on the whole diet debacle. I thought, or incorrectly assumed, that I would automatically make a dramatic weight loss with my new work out regimen of cardio and strength exercises. Eating that same crap I have been eating…for quite some time. How I was that delusional, I have no clue. So my Personal Trainer said it was finally time for me to weigh myself, 1.5 months in. I gained weight. Crap! A lot of it too, not just 1-2 pounds. Where do I go from here? Lose it. Just do it, Nike said. I have a new respect for Nike’s ad campaign. Maybe it’s the athlete in me. Just kidding. Okay, maybe there is an athlete that knows I can get through the transition and break through my old patterns. I am actually doing okay with the work out, it’s the diet that I am failing at miserably. I need to revisit the State of Slim, the amazing book for my diet that helped me lose 30 pounds.

It’s the bread. Damn you, crouton! Now I did NOT regain all my weight (and more) by eating croutons, obviously, but there’s been a ton of bread on that path back to my overweight status. Nothing but carbs. That and some high fat desserts and such.  I don’t need them! I can live with a lot less carbs. Sooo, this morning I did eat breakfast out, but I did NOT eat pancakes. I ate scrambled egg whites with turkey bacon and applesauce. I won’t lie, there was whole wheat toast. But according to IHOP there was just about 440 calories in my breakfast. I can live with that.  I plan on salad and a protein for lunch and I am baking chicken for dinner. My trainer wants me to keep track of everything I put in my body. I can do that!

Hello health! Good Bye Carbs!!!

IF you have any good tips on helping us all get back on the right path, drop me a line in the comment area!!

Back in the business of the work- life balance…

 


I have been a bit out of touch these past two weeks. I am not making excuses, but I am back! I feel that I have let work get the best of me lately. Not the time on the job  per se, but more so the energy it drains from me. I am left mentally wasted and unable to get creatively grounded here, where I would rather be! Then there are the workouts…

 

When I am not working, I am training at the gym with my PT.  It seems like between my training/work outs and my job, I have not left any time for blogging and that makes me sad. I need to redistribute my time. I think I need to get back to sticking to a blogging schedule. I used to have more structure and now my structure has been rededicated to working out in the last month, if you haven’t noticed.

I am going to work on getting a schedule for myself. Without that, I end up on the couch with hot air popcorn, watching Mad Men or something.

Have a good weekend and I will be back very soon!

 

Sorry for the radio silence…new ideas are percolating!

I have taken a week off and it feels so quiet to not be writing. I have also had a lull. I have had a case of writer’s block, or blogger’s block, as the case may be.  Then I kept thinking of all these ideas during my attacks of insomnia. I am back!!

I hope no one thought I would be one of those bloggers that has a site up for 3-6 months and then just loses interest. Definitely not the case.  I have been doing a lot of work out like posts and that’s because my relationship with myself has been first and foremost in my mind as far as really dedicating myself to self-care.  I have some ideas about posts on friendships, because after all, this is a blog about relationships and I want to introduce all types, including the one I have with myself and my female and male friends.  I wanted to also post about the importance of our reltatioinships and connections with our pets.  

I have also been paying a lot of attention to the music I have been listening to, becoming inspired by those influences s well.. 

Please leave me a comment if there are any relationships I haven’t mentioned or you would like to hear about.
Music pairing: The music I have been listening during my waking hours the last week or two is from In The Valley Below and their debut album “The Belt”. 

Off track…featuring gummy bears and lemon drop martinis

Why am I posting exercise and fitness rants when I am supposed to be writing about dating, relationships and communication between males and females as well as female friends?  That was the focus, right? Well, I have found that the relationship I have with myself is pretty damn important. If I can’t be happy with the way I look or feel, how can I exude confidence? I can’t. If I can’t, how can I expect others to be confident in me and experience an attract to someone they want to get to know (male or female)? I can’t do that either. I am going go to be successful in the adventures of relationships with guys and my female friends when I am successful in the relationship I have with myself. Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City character) said this pretty exactly in the last episode of Sex and the City Season six, part two.

Enter fitness and exercise.  And diet (seemingly my albatross). When I have the tools in my tool chest, I have no excuses. Especially when I have used the tools with success in the last year. I have no one to blame but myself when I am to happy with the way things are going. I love the fitness part. I hate the healthy eating part.  Except, I love the way I feel and look when I am successful with healthy eating patterns and habits. I hate the way I feel after eating at  McDonalds. Why is it so hard? It makes total sense that I should be fully on board with the “eating right” thing. But I am not. So far from it. This weekend I have consumed the following in no particular order:

  • gummy bears
  • hot wings and sweet potato fries
  • two IPAs
  • movie popcorn
  • lemon drop martini
  • red wine
  • omelet with bacon and cheese (don’t forget the potatoes and bread with that please)
  • and some other stuff I can’t get remember.

So why is this so hard this year? If I could break through that, I think I could get to the crux of the problem. Just Saturday, I was reminded of my fat content when my personal trainer said “today, we are doing measurements”. Uh? What? I thought the fat caliper measurement was all that we needed to determine how out of shape I was. Clearly, not so much.

I have done the diet, the eating right, the changing of the paradigm. What happened over this last holiday season that got me so far off track? I am going to work on answerig that one, right after I grab a rice cake.  Seriously, they are not so bad when you  put some white cheddar cheese on top. Just kidding….Not.

 

Feats and frustrations

I want it now. I’m working hard to accomplish my goals. So where’s the pay off? I mean, I’ve been at it for a solid week and a half and NOTHING to show for it. I have to say the frustration of not having the pay off by now has me infinitely irritated. I’m kinda pissed. Like really pissed that my hard-working isn’t leaving anything behind. Like globs of fat. And laziness. And crap food.  Now I know in order to get the body I want (the flattest stomach ever and no visible cellulite), I simply can’t expect it now. It’s going to take time and effort. Definitely more than 1.5 weeks of working my body hard, but slightly less focused on my daily nutritional  intake. That part sucks. I have been improving, but then I ordered Italian food for delivery tonight. How am I supposed to get it now, when all I am ordering now is baked ziti and garlic knots?   It’s going to take a dietary overhaul and this kick ass work out at the gym. Its going   to take both in big doses. Wanting it all now is going to have to wait for later.

In the midst of my frustrations and hard work, there are the (not so) small accomplishments. The little feats that make up my personal best to date in my recent experience. They make it ALL worth it.  I honestly had no earthly idea that I could row or really do  anything remotely athletic. Sure, it’s a rowing machine.  Sure, it’s a contrived experience in a gym. But, I am rowing! I am doing these 2 minute cardio bursts and going to out-distance  myself each time. The first few times, I rowed 250 meters in 2 minutes. Yesterday, I beat my personal best with my trainer and rowed about 410 meters in 2 minutes. I guess this is meaningless unless you’ve rowed (in real life or the gym). And I am guessing my personal best only applies to the gym version of rowing.  I don’t care. And this is why. Its my personal best on this machine. It is the most athletic thing I have ever done in my life.If you went to school with  me, you knew I was far from sports-minded. You chose me last for kickball and that’s okay today. Because tomorrow I am headed for the gym to beat my personal best.  And that’s all that matters.

Healing power

via Daily Prompt: Heal

So I remember a long time ago, back when I had my other blog, I wrote about the healing process because it is something any honest person can relate to. I say honest because it really takes someone who can be true to themselves, and less importantly to others, to admit she (or he) is healing from something, that there was something broken to begin with. That’s ego. If the ego can make way for healing, then we have half a chance, don’t we.

Physical illness is a process, but a sympathetic process. People can get behind that. There are those who have the disease of addiction and healing from that. Who’s supporting them, encouraging the healing and sobering process (although it is ultimately up to the addict).  People seem  slightly little less  sympathetic. “Oh you’re clean and sober? That’s great”… Healing from  years of the disease of addiction is not easy. I am not an addict, but I know those who have died from the disease. I even heard someone say of those having difficulty of the healing process: “if they die from overdosing its just natural selection” . It was a bit shocking to hear this. I guess I am naive to think that the general public could have sympathy for  those with addiction. From my experience with people close to me, it is probably one of the hardest diseases to recover from  and heal successfully from the ravages of addiction. I was slightly more shocked at the statement about natural selection as my stepbrother died from an overdose and the person who said this may or may not have known this. It really doesn’t matter whether he knew it or not.

Everyone is trying to heal from something. You never know who is working on some path to recovery, Whether someone is healing from a physical injury, a broken heart,  or depression, it really doesn’t matter does it?

Have some compassion people and let us heal ourselves in the best way we can. We are not infallible; we are mere mortals.

 

Music pairing: Hold on by Sarah McLachlan